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Thread: slowly but surely

  1. #1
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    slowly but surely

    So coming out to people slowly and so far every result has been positive... so more people that I can talk to and be real with BUT why is it I feel more empty now than before!!!!!

  2. #2
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    That is a tough question. Could it be that now that you started you want more? I came out verbally and realized that is only half of the process. The second half would be seeing me as me, and that is even harder for some people.

    My coming out was liberating as it was one more thing, being caught, that I did not have to worry about. I would just continue as you are doing at your own pace. Once I started I wanted it to be over (the coming out part) as soon as possible so that everyone that should know heard it from me. Be yourself and move at your own pace. Trust your internal feelings and only push yourself when you feel like pushing yourself.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    I am no expert but... It sounds to me like you had this anxiety about coming out but everything has been positive so the anxiety bubble is gone and you feel empty! OR You were in anticipation of telling people and now that you have it is sort of a let down! Just my two possible takes on things! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
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  4. #4
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    Thank you both for your thoughts... coming out is very liberating and knowing that I have others who will listen to my wining is GREAT but I guess I see a future that is somewhat out of my grasp right now... it's like knowing you have a month to live but still make plans with others for Xmas..... does that make sense?

  5. #5
    Hear Me Roar MiraM's Avatar
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    I also experienced an emptiness after coming out. In my case it was that my biggest secret was no longer a secret. I could no longer use it as a reason to isolate myself, and had to find something to fill the space where that secret had been kept. Filling that void is a process of just learning to live my life as the best me that I can possibly be. I think that most of my friendships are now stronger, and relationships with other acquaintances as well. Where I once isolated myself, and let no one see who I really am, my life is now filled with people that love and accept me for me, no something I was trying to be to meet the expectations of others. I don't have an extremely active social life, but the activities I do, and the people I surround myself with have given me a very full life recently. The emptiness is leaving, and I find it necessary now to purposely make time to just be alone. Jut keep going like you are, don't rush things (I made that mistake once), and that empty place will start to fill up.

  6. #6
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    Thank you MiraM that actually makes a lot of sense...

  7. #7
    Colorado Country Girl Jin Xer's Avatar
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    Some ideas:
    You've past the "fantasy" stage. I don't mean that literally, just can't think of a better word. Reality is a whole new mindset. For me, reality never lines up with what I thought it would be. Perhaps you had some expectations (realistic or not) that were not met. Maybe it's just not as big a deal to others as you had thought?

    From my own experiences I know that a long-endured stress, once alleviated, results in some temporary exhaustion. I've learned (ok, still learning) to take a mental nap, then wake up and look for the next big thing. Personally, I consider it a new chapter, unwritten. Perhaps that void, or emptiness, are simply blank pages which will just take time to fill in.

    If I were to recommend anything, it would be to celebrate, goal achieved, cross it off your list, or however you wish to measure it.
    Congratulations!!
    Jinny

  8. #8
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    Hey Jinny,
    this also makes a lot of sense... I also tend to get those "what the hell are you doing moments" then realize that it's what is supposed to be and that every one who is aware if fine with it... there will be many struggles to come and that emptiness might also be a way to keep me grounded..... who knows I guess that's why I pay for therapy!!!

  9. #9
    Member Sara Olivia's Avatar
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    Lisa I just want to comment on the fact that you have told us that you have been coming out to people and every result so far has been positive. Without being a spoiler of good news let me just add this note of cautious optimism. I had a similar experience when coming out to people. The response was almost one hundred percent positive and supportive. Three years later and having lived two of those years full time as Sara, has tarnished some of that early optimism. My colleagues at work have been, and are all still, great as is my family, both extended and immediate family, including wife and kids. At work I have not been sidelined, I get as much respect from my colleagues now as I did before. If anything, I am being given more opportunities now than I was previously and my managers are pushing for a promotion for me. All that said, and here is the point of this post - in time most of my friends, many of whom had been close friends for decades stopped calling and getting together with me. They were very supportive when I first told them I was transgender but that is not the same as being comfortable having a transgender friend and spending time with them.

    This is not just a cautionary tale though. Yes its true I lost a lot of my old friends, however, other people have come into my life and become new friends. I have been included in a girl's night out with some of the women from my work and some of their friends. They've been great and treat me as just another one of the girls. Not all in the group even know I'm transgender. Other women I knew as a man, but who were just acquaintances or female colleagues, have gone out of their way to be my friend and have taken the place of those old friends who were not comfortable with continuing a friendship with a transgender woman. So I've lost some friends but also gained others. I am just telling you this to alert you to the fact that a favorable response to your disclosing your transgender status to them may not always mean that they will be in your life in a few years. I've heard it said that transition lets you really know who your friends are. Clearly I've chosen poorly who my friends were. Most have left. Hopefully you chose better friends than I did.
    Last edited by Sara Olivia; 08-03-2019 at 12:32 PM.

  10. #10
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Sarah makes some excellent points. I understand that coming out is really a two step process with each individual. Most will understand when told (Step 1) and appear to be ok with everything. Step 2 is actually seeing you, and an optional Step 3 is being with you and with others. That is, they may be able to deal with seeing you as you in a one on one situation, and not be able to deal with being seen with you with others. That I believe is my daughter's situation, and she was not thrilled with my big reveal. My son is more tolerating but probably still has those similar concerns. That all being said, being out and free is PRICELESS!!!!!

  11. #11
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    Lisa,

    I have another post out there someplace that may reflect a little of what you are feeling. I've come out to a lot of people in the last several months and it's all been positive. But there are two things I've realized, one is I came out to the easy folks who I was confident would be supportive, but not those who would be more likely to be critical or withdraw from my life immediately. So that victory is a victory, but it's only half done. The second is what Allie suggest, is getting past the verbal acceptance and getting to real interaction with those people I want to keep in my life. I've set up expectations that I still have to meet. What I feel isn't necessarily one of being empty, but it's still having significant challenges to be met as I continue on this journey. But until they put my ashes in an urn there will always be more to the journey regardless of how far I've come.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  12. #12
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    thanks Sara cor the cautionary tell this being said one of the people that I did come out to (my manager) has in fact changes his tune, though I am sure he supports me on a personal level out "plans for the company" future which in his words included me no mater what... told a fellow co-worker that he is having struggles looking me in the eye and doesn't think that the future could include me... I was expecting some negative feedback but being told "no matter what" then learning it's not so simple really stung....

    I know there will be casualties on the way but trying REALLY hard for it not to be family or work!

    better days ahead????

  13. #13
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    Lisa,

    One thing I forgot to mention was whenever I came out to anyone I had a few photographs to share with them. It really helps put their minds at ease and can eliminate their mental images of drag queens or men in dresses scratching their bellies and rubbing week-old beard stubble. The other thing is I've befitted from using humor whenever possible to ease the tension. Being able to laugh at myself and this unusual situation makes it a much more human experience for others and reminds them that I'm still really the same person they have always known.

    Good luck as you move along.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  14. #14
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    LisaLove,
    Coming out is a huge hurdle to many , you have to build yourself up to take that step , it can give you a bit of a HIGH . The emptiness is usually because all that mental anguish was possibly for nothing , the person you told didn't bat an eylid , the World didn't end .

    Looking back for me did pose the question, " What did I expect ?" People are far more accepting than we're lead to believe but they won't jump up and down with excitement because it doesn't mean the same to them . Please remember coming out and telling people isn't the same as being seen in reality , personally I'm pleased I've passed that situation . One aspect I didn't expect is how quickly people forget what you looked like and accept how you look now .

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member Eemz's Avatar
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    I agree Sarah; I have really found photos to be helpful and now I always have one teed up on my phone when I'm about to tell someone new. Give them a few seconds, photo. It helps to avoid them going mentally to some worst-case scenario, or dismissing it as some sort of quirk never to be spoken of again. It's a real thing, here's a photo. And humour is great. When people stumble on pronouns I laugh now and say don't worry I'm confused myself.
    Last edited by Eemz; 08-13-2019 at 06:37 PM.

  16. #16
    Member Helena's Avatar
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    Lisa, I think we may have been running on parallel courses as I have gradually been telling colleagues in my section and on the 2nd or 3rd day experienced feeling of emptiness too along with "what have I done", not due to regret but suddenly hit by the enormity of it and what it meant. Jin xer makes a good point swapping fantasy for reality.

    Realising too, as several have said, that the telling is only half the process, and seeing the second half. That may take a while. One woman was a little surprised I had been out, so I think I may have left things a little woolly and undefined. I never thought about photos except I was worried someone would ask.

    But it is liberating. Only this morning I was able talk with the same woman about some boots we had both been fancying. I feel freer, like Allie no longer have to worry about being caught.

    And they have been so accepting that I have been invited on a hen do (not the main one, but the small one for her colleagues).

  17. #17
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Lisa, you seem to be doing it correctly! I came out to two fellow employees and then the boss! All accepted without hesitation and stated I have to be who I am! I came out to another today and she is OK with it! There are a few others that I will have to come out to but the telling thing will be when Lana Mae shows up for work! I must first change my name and then change it on my nurse's licence! That is the only conditions my boss made! I was planning that anyway! Just go slow and easy and things should work out! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

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