To change name/gender or not to change?

[Lana Mae]

It costs $500 to hire an attorney to change your name! I guess it is a Lee county thing! My daughter wants me to forget changing my name since I already know who I am and it will cause some difficulty with the finances! I however do feel it would make a difference in my life! (Note that I have not gone to legal aid yet! Not sure if they can help or not!) I need some responses to help me decide something! Hugs Lana Mae

[Jeri Ann]

If you are serious about completely transitioning, surgeries and all, you will have to change your name and gender marker. It is essential to transition. Any therapists that knows what they are doing will not give you the necessary letters for surgery. The surgeon you are considering requires two letters and will not do mtf GRS on a guy.

This is not about feeling like a girl. Transition is about finding your niche in the real world as a woman where everyone knows you as a women.

Everyone that I know who had to transition did not let the money stop them. They came up with the money.

$500 is cheap for any legal representation requiring court action. If a few hundred dollars causes you to pull up short in the beginning of the transition process, then I would seriously reconsider the need to transition.

[Lana Mae]

Thanks, Jeri Ann on your thoughts on the matter! I will go ahead with the name change in all likelyhood! It is not likely that I will come up with all the money for the various surgeries! I guess this is all for the "rich bitches" and I can just put a gun to my head and say goodbye! Seriously? I thought this was about the way we feel and think and see ourselves! Not about how many surgeries we have! Is what we have between our legs the final deciding factor? Do big boobs matter all that much? Not all women are beauties! I think money is being pushed instead of what is important and that is our state of mind! So call me an idiot who knows nothing! Regardless I am no less Lana Mae now or with or with out surgery! I am highly insulted that it is all about surgeries and money spent! What about the ones who can't have the surgery for health reasons? Are they any less women than the ones who can have the surgeries? I scream-Bulls--t! LM

[Jeri Ann]

Lana Mae,

Your rant is out of line. Your implication that someone who has surgery is a rich bitch is in very poor taste.

None of the steps of transition are necessary unless they are necessary for you. I do not require what is best for you. It was YOU that mentioned surgeries, not me. You even checked a surgeon’s website and discovered that she does not take Medicare. It was you that recently indicated that surgery was important for YOUR state of mind.

When you stayed with me for five days in June I introduced you to several of my friends. If you recall, when the girls came over to my house after setting up for the conference, you had dinner with Danielle. She has completely transitioned in every aspect of her life, including her law practice. She has had no surgeries and no HRT because of her health problems. None of this brings any judgement from me and I will always think of her as a woman.

You also met Kayla, the blind girl. She transitioned 22 years ago and has had no surgery yet.

You asked for responses to help you decide to change your name or not. It seems important to you but that is only my perspective. However, I would not pursue anything so important based on what people in an open forum, who do not have a dog in the fight, might offer in the way of advice. You are the only one who can know if it is right for you.

[Tracey Corset]

Hi Lana Mae,
At the end of the day it's just a name, my male name is Terry, my female is Tracey, I had short hair on yesterday because it was hot, i bumped into my next door neighbour and she can never remember what to call me, she said my hair was nice, that meant more to me than my name, perhaps you should set yourself a target for transition and insert the name change when you are ready

[BillieS]

I’m surprised at the tone of comments here and in the gatekeeping thread. People have seemed to make broad, and harsh, generalizations, sometimes based simply on their personal experiences.

A little empathy can go a long way.

Jeri Ann, the thread appears to show that it was you, not Lana Mae, who brought up surgeries initially. That seemed like an awfully a big jump.

And for some people, $500 is not a small amount of money.

[Jeri Ann]

Billie,

Lana Mae and I have spent a lot of time together. In addition, we have had many conversations about these matters and many more.

You are correct, $500 is a lot of money. I can not come up with it on short notice either. But, if Lana Mae feels that a name and gender marker change is what she needs, then she will make it happen. $500 is actually not a bad deal. Mine was $3000 but Texas is tough.

I care very much for Lana Mae and she knows this. It is because of my caring that I come across as tough. This is serious business.

[Megan G]

Wow that really triggered you Lana.... a person really needs to develop some thick skin during transition if they honestly want to not only survive but thrive.... life is tough, it’s even tougher for people who actually transition. If Jeri Ann’s comments about a simple name change sets you off I’m going to say that your not ready for this.....

As for my thoughts on name change and gender marker change..... IMHO it’s a must for anyone who transitions. That name and gender marker is the core of our identities, not surgeries (those just cement it in stone). If you show up to your doctors office looking and dressing as Lana Mae, asking to be called Lana Mae but still possess identification saying your “Bob Jones”..... guess what.... your still legally Bob Jones.....

As for surgeries, that’s a personal thing if you want it, need it or not and only you can decide if they are right for you. If they are important you will find a way to make it happen. We all do thru sacrifices, saving and long term planning. Having surgeries does not make you any less of a woman identity wise.... but it can effect your life when you have to be classified as either male or female in what you have down below.... a person does not have to look any further than the nutcase that has taken 16 salons to the human rights tribunal in Vancouver after they refused to wax their penis and testicles.

[BillieS]

I am well aware it is serious business Jeri Ann.

Speaking in terms of what other people “must” do, Megan, seems harsh and unhelpful.

Different people take different paths. Everyone’s journey is their own.

[Aunt Kelly]

I’m surprised at the tone of comments here and in the gatekeeping thread. People have seemed to make broad, and harsh, generalizations, sometimes based simply on their personal experiences.

A little empathy can go a long way.

Jeri Ann, the thread appears to show that it was you, not Lana Mae, who brought up surgeries initially. T

That is incorrect, though to be fair, if you had not seen the other communications, this thread would seem to make it look that way.

Jeri Ann may have been able to afford the treatments for her condition, as is the case with most of us who pursue such a course, it is not without great sacrifice; familial, social and of course, financial. To characterize her as a "rich bitch" is inaccurate on it's face, but more to the point, using that term to reject well intended advice, advice born of direct experience, is out of line.

Jeri Ann is good friend, and perhaps the most generous and caring person I know. Her advice on the realities of the choices we must make WRT the journey to transition is always well-intended and well-informed, if not always what the recipient wants to hear. There is a tendency towards cheer leading in this online community, and that is sometimes counterproductive. Being "supportive" does not always mean unconditional encouragement.

[BillieS]

These are public forums. I read them for insight. Taking the comments at face value, it seemed that a member asked a genuine question that has broad interest to many us.

Some comments here and in the gatekeeping thread, in my view, appear to be telling people what to do when, in fact, each of us have highly personal decisions that are truly ours alone to make..

Showing empathy is not cheerleading.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Compassion and empathy are very interesting concepts

It's not always clear what is and isn't compassion. If somebody thinks they can fly, and wants to fly... empathy and compassion require making sure they dont try to fly...or at least make sure they have wings or a parachute...

If you carefully read the posts, surgery was only brought up in the context of "if you want surgeries, you are gonna have to change your name"...seems pretty common sensical to me...
and the follow up was perfectly sensible and empathetic to this reader. " ..finding your niche..." and "...money doesnt stop you..." do not imply surgery is necessary ...

it does imply transition(if thats what you want) needs to be an IMPERATIVE in your life...otherwise your quality of life will likely suffer
and to me this is a very compassionate thing to say regardless of whether some readers find it tough...its the truth.

over and over and over I see it that folks who don't do surgery, regardless of the reason, are defensive about it and project that into comments...
thats a general statement but its an observation over many years...
and "rich bitches' is a pretty nasty turn of phrase to put out there...maybe meant in jest but misses the mark IMO

as for Megan's comments, I have to say I basically agree... and if you want to get picky about "telling people what to do", Megan made it very clear it was her IMHO, and her statement was plain old common sense..
it was not telling people what to do...

clearly you don't have to change your name but life aint easy for a boy named sue, or a girl named Bob...

and NOT ONCE in this thread has anybody suggested a surgery is required. In fact quite the opposite....

and that is very different than saying surgery is a very helpful thing and is very meaningful to folks that pursue it... its worth saving for, its worth sacrificing for it if you really want to do it

[Teresa]

Meghan,
Is that standard practice in the US and Canada about name changes . The reason why I ask is in my GP's sugery here in the UK I registered initially in my full male name , which I assumed was the legal requirement but when I was called by my full male name in front of a full waiting room when waiting for my flu injection . I immediately asked the registration nurse if I could ammend it to Terri as a shortend female version of my name , she replied no problem and typed the correction onto my notes on the computer and then asked if I wished to change my gender title which she did . She didn't ask if I was transitioning or taking hormones , which I'm not .

[Lana Mae]

OK, so now I feel like a total ass and am just so depressed! Jeri Ann, consider this a public apology! I am so sorry and embarassed! It is just another instance where my life's desire has been foiled due to money! What Jeri Ann has said is correct and I had no right to talk to her like that! I just feel that Lana Mae will never be fully realized without the surgeries and I can not afford the surgeries! I live paycheck to paycheck and seldom have $100 left at the end of the month let alone 5 figures! It is all a big dream for me! I am so sad that I hurt my friend and the realization about Lana Mae! Yes, I am crying! I will end now as I am all choked up! Hugs LanaMae

[AllieSF]

Getting back to the first post, Lana Mae I recommend that you start contacting all the LGBTQ+ organizations around, including out of state to see if there is a cheaper option for a name and gender change. I did mine in California, did not need an attorney and the court costs were $453.00 for the name change, $20-50.00 for document registration in the same court building, then another $25.00 for each certified copy. I would also contact that legal aide group. Sometimes, States require that attorneys do a certain amount of pro-bono work. Some attorney my be looking for someone like you to help him fulfill that requirement.

On another note, we all have our bad days, sensitive days, etc. I hope all here in this thread get over theirs, including me.

[Megan G]

Meghan,
Is that standard practice in the US and Canada about name changes .

Teresa, speaking from only a Canadian healthcare perspective, and i will go out onto a limb and say it is most likely the same around the world.... there is a difference between legal name and preferred name... and there is a spot on the same form for both of those names....

We will call you Terri, we will treat you like we would treat any other woman....but your medical records are legal documents and the name and gender on them is your “legal name and gender”. When we bill for services to provincial/federal health plans or private insurance companies it’s in your legal name.

This is why trying to transition without a name/gender change just seems crazy to me as that is the core of our existence and i can’t imagine any woman in this world would like to have to produce ID stating “Bob Jones.....male”.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Speaking in terms of what other people “must” do, Megan, seems harsh and unhelpful.
.

And if that’s what people want to think of me that’s totally cool as i am a firm believer in sometimes what a person needs the most is some tough love. This “using kids gloves” on trans people approach does not work and is creating a generation of entitled babies who cry to the world every time something goes wrong. i want every single person here to succeed in what ever they need in life but to do that you need to get out of the starting blocks and quit hiding.

And if you think I’m tough just you wait.... the real world will tear you up.....

[Jeri Ann]

Lana Mae,

Thank you! I am not a rich bitch but I am a tough bitch. At least that was what a therapists once told me. Maybe you have had a hormonal outburst or something. I don’t know. But, I am still here for you.

Allie is on track about LGBT organizations. There are a couple here in Houston that help with the legal changes. Danielle has even done some pro bono work for transwomen.

Surely you know how hard I work to afford extra things. You and I have had conversations about my selling cupcakes, selling items on eBay and driving for Uber. Any extra money is extra money.

There is another option too. Check into Care Credit. It will allow you to spread out payments for medical expenses. You do, however, still need to afford the payments.

Please take it slow. Do what you can as you can but, be certain it is the right thing for you. Remember, no one ever needs to see your private parts. What is important is to make the most of the life you should have always had.

Still lovin’ you,
Jeri Ann

[Sarah Doepner]

I look to name change as yet one more validation of who I am. For instance, I join casino players clubs and can't have "welcome Sarah" show up on the machine when I insert my player card. Until I can provide ID with Sarah on it, I'm stuck. Yeah, it's a small thing but I think we can agree all those small things add up and I'm for making the world as simple as possible. It's taken me years and years to get where I am, so I'll be patient in saving up and getting the next steps accomplished.

I recently had a conversation with an attorney about name changes and asked about having property and financial interests that would be complicated following a name change and how it would be reflected in a will. She said unless the record is sealed things would still be smooth as the court would be just fine with that and might refer to me as "Sarah, aka Dave" in filings where the name change hadn't been finished. At least that's how I remember the conversation, I yield to anyone with actual legal credentials on that one.

[Lana Mae]

So, I answered everyone and timed out and lost what I said! Basically Jeri Ann, Kaitlyn, and Megan are out to help everyone! Call it tough love if you must but I respect their opinions over some others who only think they know it all! I am extremely sorry for my terrible outburst and my nasty comments! This is not me generally! I totally agree with Aunt Kelly! Jeri Ann; It must have been a Hormonal Outburst and I have felt so bad about it all day at work! I am glad you forgive me and I love you too! Hugs Lana Mae

[Jeri Ann]

The legal name/gender change is way more complicated than some people think. There will be things to change that you never thought of. After two years I am still dealing with it. It seems that there are nooks and crannies in the universal data base that no one knows even exists, much less know how to change. It seems that the older you are, and the more you have been connected to, the harder it is.

It is frustrating but, at the same time, worthwhile. Like someone has said, it is the name that identifies us. Making it permanent and legal insures that the world will know us the way we truly are.

[Megan G]

Lana Mae,

We all have had our moments in the beginning... it’s a huge mountain your just starting to climb with lots of peaks and valleys along the way.... so all is good cause I’m sure those of us that have transitioned can all relate....

You and I have had this conversation before but if money’s the issue than you need to sit down and figure out a way. Pick up extra shifts, a second job, cut unnecessary items out of your life.... put a plan in motion... it may be 2 years or 5 years but if the goal at the end is valuable enough you will see it thru.

Not only have i done the surgeries in my transition i have also put myself thru college in my 40’s (two years down, two years to go still) while still supporting my son who is a competitive minor hockey player. I rarely have a day off work, barely see my friends but i am dedicated to that end goal that i set out.... and in the end everything will have taken 7 years to accomplish... from the first time i stepped out the door as Megan to the time i am finished everything....

Nothing is impossible, but you have to WANT it and WORK HARD for it.....

I wish you lots of luck...

Meg

[Lana Mae]

I have thought about it in terms of how it is all coordinated! For instance, you must change with the doctors for your healthcare but also the insurance company(ies) that handle paying for that healthcare and don't forget the pharmacy who won't give Lana Mae's meds to Harry! That is just one instance and there are many! Grocery store cards are another you might no think of! I have figured out that Social Security and your driver's licence should be the first two! These can (it seems) be used in place of the court order!
Allie: Your costs in California are higher than here-total! I am going to look in to legal aid!
Thanks Megan! Best wishes for seeing yours through!
Hugs Lana Mae

[Teresa]

Meghan,
Thanks for that . Don't forget our NHS is funded through the tax payers not private insurance companies , if my details are changed at my GP's surgery , those records are then available thoughout the system .

[Megan G]

Teresa,

Your NHS is no different than my OHIP here in Canada and the point is.... without a legal name and gender change all the paperwork (including digital records) says your Terry.... and your gender is male.... regardless of what your “preferred name” is.....

Legally you are not Terri.... and you are not a woman.......you are Mr Terry (insert surname here). This is not an insult or shot by me.... just being real....

If you died today your death certificate would read Terry and you are a man..... let that sink in for a minute.

[Teresa]

Meghan,
I appreciate the legalities of name changes , the point I was making was my GP told me her door was always open as far as my TG issues were concerned and as there is no third party ( Insurance Company ) involved she is the starting point for me in the process if I wish to start hormones etc . so the acknowledgement of the small alteration to my name does carry some weight within our system in the UK .