Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 44

Thread: To change name/gender or not to change?

Hybrid View

Previous Post Previous Post   Next Post Next Post
  1. #1
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    7,274

    To change name/gender or not to change?

    It costs $500 to hire an attorney to change your name! I guess it is a Lee county thing! My daughter wants me to forget changing my name since I already know who I am and it will cause some difficulty with the finances! I however do feel it would make a difference in my life! (Note that I have not gone to legal aid yet! Not sure if they can help or not!) I need some responses to help me decide something! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Houston
    Posts
    1,107
    If you are serious about completely transitioning, surgeries and all, you will have to change your name and gender marker. It is essential to transition. Any therapists that knows what they are doing will not give you the necessary letters for surgery. The surgeon you are considering requires two letters and will not do mtf GRS on a guy.

    This is not about feeling like a girl. Transition is about finding your niche in the real world as a woman where everyone knows you as a women.

    Everyone that I know who had to transition did not let the money stop them. They came up with the money.

    $500 is cheap for any legal representation requiring court action. If a few hundred dollars causes you to pull up short in the beginning of the transition process, then I would seriously reconsider the need to transition.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    7,274
    Thanks, Jeri Ann on your thoughts on the matter! I will go ahead with the name change in all likelyhood! It is not likely that I will come up with all the money for the various surgeries! I guess this is all for the "rich bitches" and I can just put a gun to my head and say goodbye! Seriously? I thought this was about the way we feel and think and see ourselves! Not about how many surgeries we have! Is what we have between our legs the final deciding factor? Do big boobs matter all that much? Not all women are beauties! I think money is being pushed instead of what is important and that is our state of mind! So call me an idiot who knows nothing! Regardless I am no less Lana Mae now or with or with out surgery! I am highly insulted that it is all about surgeries and money spent! What about the ones who can't have the surgery for health reasons? Are they any less women than the ones who can have the surgeries? I scream-Bulls--t! LM
    Last edited by Lana Mae; 08-02-2019 at 06:49 PM.
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Houston
    Posts
    1,107
    Lana Mae,

    Your rant is out of line. Your implication that someone who has surgery is a rich bitch is in very poor taste.

    None of the steps of transition are necessary unless they are necessary for you. I do not require what is best for you. It was YOU that mentioned surgeries, not me. You even checked a surgeon’s website and discovered that she does not take Medicare. It was you that recently indicated that surgery was important for YOUR state of mind.

    When you stayed with me for five days in June I introduced you to several of my friends. If you recall, when the girls came over to my house after setting up for the conference, you had dinner with Danielle. She has completely transitioned in every aspect of her life, including her law practice. She has had no surgeries and no HRT because of her health problems. None of this brings any judgement from me and I will always think of her as a woman.

    You also met Kayla, the blind girl. She transitioned 22 years ago and has had no surgery yet.

    You asked for responses to help you decide to change your name or not. It seems important to you but that is only my perspective. However, I would not pursue anything so important based on what people in an open forum, who do not have a dog in the fight, might offer in the way of advice. You are the only one who can know if it is right for you.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 08-03-2019 at 07:24 AM.

  5. #5
    Member Tracey Corset's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Norfolk UK
    Posts
    293
    Hi Lana Mae,
    At the end of the day it's just a name, my male name is Terry, my female is Tracey, I had short hair on yesterday because it was hot, i bumped into my next door neighbour and she can never remember what to call me, she said my hair was nice, that meant more to me than my name, perhaps you should set yourself a target for transition and insert the name change when you are ready
    Tracey

    Youtube as Tracey Corset

  6. #6
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    7,274
    I would like to thank everyone for their responses! Again I apoligize for my outburst!
    There is great wisdom and knowledge here! I just want to hug all of you!
    I have decided to cancel my appointment with the attorney! Not giving up just postponing to a better financial time! I have a loan that will be paid off in a few months and I won't renew some insurance that I do not feel I need! That will loosen up some cash and then I can proceed with the name change!
    I have gone too far to go back so I will remain Lana Mae! Hugs LM
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  7. #7
    Member Sara Olivia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Victoria, British Columbia
    Posts
    136
    Lana Mae, you have already received a lot of advice so I am not going to add to that. What I would like to add though is that in my own personal experience, legally changing my name and gender designation on all my id was probably among the most gender affirming steps I've taken to date and probably will take. Having people correspond with me addressing me by my new female name and seeing my new name on legal documents was a huge high for me. I get the cost issue, its not inexpensive. That said, once you are able to afford it I would strongly recommend proceeding with it if it is your eventual goal to be recognized by society as a woman.

  8. #8
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    San Francisco Area
    Posts
    11,239
    Lana Mae, what is the total cost for a name and gender change for you? That means walking out of the court, or whatever, with legal documents for a name and gender change, start to finish. You said that my cost here is California ($453 plus maybe another $100 for copies and other fees) was much more expensive than where you are, done through the court system with no need to publish your requested name change in public newspapers for set time period, which I understand at today's price for news paper legal notices is very expensive. A Curious friendly mind wants to know.

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member OCCarly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    611
    Hi Lana Mae: I am very sorry for your frustration.

    I DIY’d my name and gender change using the downloadable online guide from the Transgender Law Center and the online guide from the Superior Court Website in my County. Although I am a lawyer, I practice criminal defense and The name change papers were something I had to cookbook my way through.

    And I needed it. I have to put my legal name on all court documents, and if I walk into a federal courthouse my ID needs to match how I am dressed or I can be ordered out for violating dress code.

    You should really consider saving your hard earned money and DIYing the name change.

    And—I got FFS covered by my health insurance, but the recovery has been quite an ordeal. You can read more in the body issues section.

    Hugs, Carly
    Last edited by char GG; 08-06-2019 at 10:25 AM. Reason: No political references please
    Carries a spray bottle of "pink fog" around with her in her purse at all times.

  10. #10
    Member BillieS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    Connecticut
    Posts
    106
    I’m surprised at the tone of comments here and in the gatekeeping thread. People have seemed to make broad, and harsh, generalizations, sometimes based simply on their personal experiences.

    A little empathy can go a long way.

    Jeri Ann, the thread appears to show that it was you, not Lana Mae, who brought up surgeries initially. That seemed like an awfully a big jump.

    And for some people, $500 is not a small amount of money.

  11. #11
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Houston
    Posts
    1,107
    Billie,

    Lana Mae and I have spent a lot of time together. In addition, we have had many conversations about these matters and many more.

    You are correct, $500 is a lot of money. I can not come up with it on short notice either. But, if Lana Mae feels that a name and gender marker change is what she needs, then she will make it happen. $500 is actually not a bad deal. Mine was $3000 but Texas is tough.

    I care very much for Lana Mae and she knows this. It is because of my caring that I come across as tough. This is serious business.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 08-03-2019 at 09:11 AM.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Location
    Greater Houston
    Posts
    1,984
    Quote Originally Posted by BillieS View Post
    I’m surprised at the tone of comments here and in the gatekeeping thread. People have seemed to make broad, and harsh, generalizations, sometimes based simply on their personal experiences.

    A little empathy can go a long way.

    Jeri Ann, the thread appears to show that it was you, not Lana Mae, who brought up surgeries initially. T
    That is incorrect, though to be fair, if you had not seen the other communications, this thread would seem to make it look that way.

    Jeri Ann may have been able to afford the treatments for her condition, as is the case with most of us who pursue such a course, it is not without great sacrifice; familial, social and of course, financial. To characterize her as a "rich bitch" is inaccurate on it's face, but more to the point, using that term to reject well intended advice, advice born of direct experience, is out of line.

    Jeri Ann is good friend, and perhaps the most generous and caring person I know. Her advice on the realities of the choices we must make WRT the journey to transition is always well-intended and well-informed, if not always what the recipient wants to hear. There is a tendency towards cheer leading in this online community, and that is sometimes counterproductive. Being "supportive" does not always mean unconditional encouragement.
    Well, somebody has to make up that base of the bell curve that defines "normal".
    https://groups.io/g/gno-houston

  13. #13
    Country Gal.... Megan G's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Southern Ontario
    Posts
    488
    Wow that really triggered you Lana.... a person really needs to develop some thick skin during transition if they honestly want to not only survive but thrive.... life is tough, it’s even tougher for people who actually transition. If Jeri Ann’s comments about a simple name change sets you off I’m going to say that your not ready for this.....

    As for my thoughts on name change and gender marker change..... IMHO it’s a must for anyone who transitions. That name and gender marker is the core of our identities, not surgeries (those just cement it in stone). If you show up to your doctors office looking and dressing as Lana Mae, asking to be called Lana Mae but still possess identification saying your “Bob Jones”..... guess what.... your still legally Bob Jones.....

    As for surgeries, that’s a personal thing if you want it, need it or not and only you can decide if they are right for you. If they are important you will find a way to make it happen. We all do thru sacrifices, saving and long term planning. Having surgeries does not make you any less of a woman identity wise.... but it can effect your life when you have to be classified as either male or female in what you have down below.... a person does not have to look any further than the nutcase that has taken 16 salons to the human rights tribunal in Vancouver after they refused to wax their penis and testicles.

  14. #14
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    10,534
    Meghan,
    Is that standard practice in the US and Canada about name changes . The reason why I ask is in my GP's sugery here in the UK I registered initially in my full male name , which I assumed was the legal requirement but when I was called by my full male name in front of a full waiting room when waiting for my flu injection . I immediately asked the registration nurse if I could ammend it to Terri as a shortend female version of my name , she replied no problem and typed the correction onto my notes on the computer and then asked if I wished to change my gender title which she did . She didn't ask if I was transitioning or taking hormones , which I'm not .
    Last edited by Teresa; 08-03-2019 at 01:47 PM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  15. #15
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    7,274
    Devi: Jeri Ann and I are like sisters! The conflict is now over and yes we still love each other like sisters! I am sorry if I offended you!

    I was to the doctor today and finally changed my preferred name on my records! From now on it will be Lana Mae going to the doctor and not Harry! I know it is not a "legal" chage of name but it feels good anyway! LOL
    Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  16. #16
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    10,534
    Lana,
    I'm so pleased you have had the change accepted . On a one to one basis it may not be much but as I found when waiting for my flu injection last year in a busy waiting room being called by a full male name is more unsettling . It did raise a few eyebrows as I was Teresa wearing a skirt , they were perfectly happy to change the details to read Terri instead of the male version . I must admit to receive letters and Emails with a femme name does feel good .
    The real me ,no going back.

  17. #17
    Senior Member Devi SM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Location
    Riverside, CA near, Corona, Los Angeles.
    Posts
    1,978
    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Meghan,
    Is that standard practice in the US and Canada about name changes . The reason why I ask is in my GP's sugery here in the UK I registered initially in my full male name , which I assumed was the legal requirement but when I was called by my full male name in front of a full waiting room when waiting for my flu injection . I immediately asked the registration nurse if I could ammend it to Terri as a shortend female version of my name , she replied no problem and typed the correction onto my notes on the computer and then asked if I wished to change my gender title which she did . She didn't ask if I was transitioning or taking hormones , which I'm not .
    Teresa,
    I haven't legally changed my name.for some issues ut basically procastination.
    The process of change name and gender in the states is different in each state. As Jeri mention, for her was $3000 in Texas, for me, in California, it would be just $400 (rounding numbers) that can be waived if you proof low income, so it would be free. The process is easy and fast, no more than 6 weeks that the law needs you wait for someone presenting an appeal or seize to your change of name for any legal. After that they would give you a court letter to present on any federal office to proceed on legal documents.
    When I go to a public place where have to wait to be called, I always ask to be call by Devi or just my last name, that had never failed.
    Last edited by Devi SM; 09-10-2019 at 07:28 AM.
    See my daily posts and pics on tumblr, just look for @sexyvane,
    At Instagram @nessatrans,

    Facebook, Vanessa Grandy from riverside, california.

  18. #18
    Member BillieS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    Connecticut
    Posts
    106
    I am well aware it is serious business Jeri Ann.

    Speaking in terms of what other people “must” do, Megan, seems harsh and unhelpful.

    Different people take different paths. Everyone’s journey is their own.

  19. #19
    Member BillieS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    Connecticut
    Posts
    106
    These are public forums. I read them for insight. Taking the comments at face value, it seemed that a member asked a genuine question that has broad interest to many us.

    Some comments here and in the gatekeeping thread, in my view, appear to be telling people what to do when, in fact, each of us have highly personal decisions that are truly ours alone to make..

    Showing empathy is not cheerleading.

  20. #20
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    6,529
    Compassion and empathy are very interesting concepts

    It's not always clear what is and isn't compassion. If somebody thinks they can fly, and wants to fly... empathy and compassion require making sure they dont try to fly...or at least make sure they have wings or a parachute...

    If you carefully read the posts, surgery was only brought up in the context of "if you want surgeries, you are gonna have to change your name"...seems pretty common sensical to me...
    and the follow up was perfectly sensible and empathetic to this reader. " ..finding your niche..." and "...money doesnt stop you..." do not imply surgery is necessary ...

    it does imply transition(if thats what you want) needs to be an IMPERATIVE in your life...otherwise your quality of life will likely suffer
    and to me this is a very compassionate thing to say regardless of whether some readers find it tough...its the truth.

    over and over and over I see it that folks who don't do surgery, regardless of the reason, are defensive about it and project that into comments...
    thats a general statement but its an observation over many years...
    and "rich bitches' is a pretty nasty turn of phrase to put out there...maybe meant in jest but misses the mark IMO

    as for Megan's comments, I have to say I basically agree... and if you want to get picky about "telling people what to do", Megan made it very clear it was her IMHO, and her statement was plain old common sense..
    it was not telling people what to do...

    clearly you don't have to change your name but life aint easy for a boy named sue, or a girl named Bob...

    and NOT ONCE in this thread has anybody suggested a surgery is required. In fact quite the opposite....

    and that is very different than saying surgery is a very helpful thing and is very meaningful to folks that pursue it... its worth saving for, its worth sacrificing for it if you really want to do it
    I am real

  21. #21
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    7,274
    Sara: I received a letter from my former(now retired) endo addressed to Lana Mae W------! I almost cried with joy when I read it! I know it will be just wonderful to have it on legal documents!
    Allie: Our's gets posted on a courthouse bulletin board at no cost! The fees vary but there was one for the FBI and one for the SBI ! The filing fee was variable! Maybe I figured wrong initially but with the lawyer fees it was $550-$700!
    Carly: You are on my prayer list now! Best wishes for a speedy and complete recovery!
    Katya: Yeah, sometimes all of us could use a wake up call to some of the realities of all this!
    Pat: Thanks for the tip! I will check out GLAAD! I will tackle the surgeries another time and then there will probably be another wild thread! LOL
    Thanks so much for your responses! You have all been so much help!
    Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  22. #22
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    7,274
    OK, so now I feel like a total ass and am just so depressed! Jeri Ann, consider this a public apology! I am so sorry and embarassed! It is just another instance where my life's desire has been foiled due to money! What Jeri Ann has said is correct and I had no right to talk to her like that! I just feel that Lana Mae will never be fully realized without the surgeries and I can not afford the surgeries! I live paycheck to paycheck and seldom have $100 left at the end of the month let alone 5 figures! It is all a big dream for me! I am so sad that I hurt my friend and the realization about Lana Mae! Yes, I am crying! I will end now as I am all choked up! Hugs LanaMae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  23. #23
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    San Francisco Area
    Posts
    11,239
    Getting back to the first post, Lana Mae I recommend that you start contacting all the LGBTQ+ organizations around, including out of state to see if there is a cheaper option for a name and gender change. I did mine in California, did not need an attorney and the court costs were $453.00 for the name change, $20-50.00 for document registration in the same court building, then another $25.00 for each certified copy. I would also contact that legal aide group. Sometimes, States require that attorneys do a certain amount of pro-bono work. Some attorney my be looking for someone like you to help him fulfill that requirement.

    On another note, we all have our bad days, sensitive days, etc. I hope all here in this thread get over theirs, including me.

  24. #24
    Country Gal.... Megan G's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Southern Ontario
    Posts
    488
    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Meghan,
    Is that standard practice in the US and Canada about name changes .
    Teresa, speaking from only a Canadian healthcare perspective, and i will go out onto a limb and say it is most likely the same around the world.... there is a difference between legal name and preferred name... and there is a spot on the same form for both of those names....

    We will call you Terri, we will treat you like we would treat any other woman....but your medical records are legal documents and the name and gender on them is your “legal name and gender”. When we bill for services to provincial/federal health plans or private insurance companies it’s in your legal name.

    This is why trying to transition without a name/gender change just seems crazy to me as that is the core of our existence and i can’t imagine any woman in this world would like to have to produce ID stating “Bob Jones.....male”.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by BillieS View Post
    Speaking in terms of what other people “must” do, Megan, seems harsh and unhelpful.
    .
    And if that’s what people want to think of me that’s totally cool as i am a firm believer in sometimes what a person needs the most is some tough love. This “using kids gloves” on trans people approach does not work and is creating a generation of entitled babies who cry to the world every time something goes wrong. i want every single person here to succeed in what ever they need in life but to do that you need to get out of the starting blocks and quit hiding.

    And if you think I’m tough just you wait.... the real world will tear you up.....

  25. #25
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Houston
    Posts
    1,107
    Lana Mae,

    Thank you! I am not a rich bitch but I am a tough bitch. At least that was what a therapists once told me. Maybe you have had a hormonal outburst or something. I don’t know. But, I am still here for you.

    Allie is on track about LGBT organizations. There are a couple here in Houston that help with the legal changes. Danielle has even done some pro bono work for transwomen.

    Surely you know how hard I work to afford extra things. You and I have had conversations about my selling cupcakes, selling items on eBay and driving for Uber. Any extra money is extra money.

    There is another option too. Check into Care Credit. It will allow you to spread out payments for medical expenses. You do, however, still need to afford the payments.

    Please take it slow. Do what you can as you can but, be certain it is the right thing for you. Remember, no one ever needs to see your private parts. What is important is to make the most of the life you should have always had.

    Still lovin’ you,
    Jeri Ann

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State