Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 61

Thread: Keeping “The Closet” door locked

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member NancyJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    539

    Keeping “The Closet” door locked

    I’ll bet the vast majority of us are “in the closet.” We keep our crossdressing, underdressing, and gender identity to ourselves — a closely guarded secret. For those of us who are married, usually our wives know (with widely varying degrees of acceptance), but almost always no one else knows. That, to me, is part of why connecting and communicating on forums like this one are important.

    But, I’ve often considered telling someone else — someone in my day-to-day life, some one close to me. Each time I’ve considered this it has been because I was feeling isolated, or lonely, or maybe even just the pressure of keeping the secret was getting to me. And each time I’ve considered telling someone I’ve found multiple reasons not to do so, most of all, not wanting to burden them with having to carry a secret of mine that they didn’t ask for. They then would have a secret of mine that they couldn’t tell anyone.

    Plus, I knew that I couldn’t predict how anyone would handle it. I’ve ended up concluding that my wanting to share my secret is selfish — that it really would not benefit, for example, my sister, for her to know, or even a close male friend. I think it would (or could) alter our relationship in unpredictable ways that really does not benefit them and would only benefit me if they embraced my “gender issues” and offered support and understanding — but would they?

    So, I stay in the closet. It is lonely in here, but safer. I realize that I have been more forthcoming (about this) with SAs at DressBarn and Soma than I have been with my best friends. Anybody have success with voluntarily (not being “outed”) venturing out of the closet? Nancy

  2. #2
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Between here and there
    Posts
    21,062
    You do have to weigh the pro and cons of telling people. Why do they need to know in the first place?
    When meeting new people there is no need to hide it so be up front and open about it.
    Some may find it interesting and some may not just the luck of the draw.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    573
    Hi Nancy,
    In my experience, staying in the closet is a mixed bag. You are quite correct in your views on the matter in that it is a safe way to go. I was that way for a long time and am still very cautious.

    On the other hand, I also found sharing it with carefully selected others provided a great relief of the stresses from having to keep the "double life" a secret. All but one of my selected people have been very accepting, but supportive to various degrees. I was not wise about one I told, an old high school friend from longer ago than I care to mention, and that did not go well at all. He is pretty misogynistic and I should have considered that. The friendship ended. But that is the only calamity. The important thing is to have a reason why you want to share this with someone else rather than just sharing it to do so or to see the reaction or some such shallow reason. It can be viewed as an act of trust in them and end up being complementary to them that you shared it.

    Follow your heart and continue to feel the way you do if you wish, but, on the other hand, don't rule out telling someone who you really trust. It is a hard decision, but the fact is, more often than not, it turns out to be a lot more joyful than you might expect. Just be careful to not impose it on them; just keep it factual and don't drop it out of the blue. If the talk is leaning in that direction and there is an opening and you feel good about the person, go ahead and spill the beans. Sometimes you find out that they suspected that all along and it is no surprise. Many people are a whole lot more perceptive of our inner selves than we think. Some of your friends may already figured it out.
    Gretchen

  4. #4
    Kind of shy ;) Linda Leigh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    State of Confusion
    Posts
    1,369
    Nancy,

    I agree with you as I am in the same situation.
    Sometimes I like to dress as Linda Leigh

    WARNING:Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies , projects or any other reasons You DO NOT have permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications.

  5. #5
    Member Cynthia_0101's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Kingston, Ontario Canada
    Posts
    231
    I did let it slip once to a co-worker.

    I had worked with her for almost 6 years at that point and we were both pretty upfront with each other about other things that were going on in our lives. She had let me in on the details of her past because it kind of mirrored what was going on with my wife. I had contemplated telling her on occasions before but could never just bring myself to blurt it out. Then about 5 years ago I was super stressed out while my wife was in the hospital and it just kinda ended up coming out. I was freaked but she handled it like a true friend and just told me "Everyone deserves to be pretty"

    After that, she was great at giving me advice and was super helpful. It turned out OK but the same can not be said for all situations. I would tread with caution.

    Cynthia
    Be Yourself, And Be Fabulous While Doing it!

  6. #6
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    2,070
    When I was in my teens all my friends new I liked to cross-dress.
    We would would get together and three or four of us would dress up.
    Sometimes girls would help with makeup.

    At about the age of 19 the cross-dressing with friends stopped and I went into the Closet.

    I had one friend who never never cross-dressed but knew I cross-dressed.
    For about the next five years I would show him dresses I bought, then one day when he said "your really a strange person"
    After that I never talked about cross-dressing with him.
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  7. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Kentucky
    Posts
    337
    What you said pretty much reflects my life. I am in the closet and will stay there. It is a private matter. My spouse knows but it is DADT.

  8. #8
    Crossdresser Taylor186's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Midwest USA
    Posts
    980
    Nancy you sum up well where I'm at closet-wise, only luckily, I don't feel the least bit lonely about it. [I will add that I am a CD with seemingly no gender dysphoria.]

    Fifteen years ago or so I joined a CD social/support group where I found meeting other like minded CDs and TGs and their partners beneficial to my journey. Four years later I left the group much happier and wiser. Groups are hard to find these days but if you locate one nearby you might consider giving them a try.
    Last edited by Taylor186; 08-18-2019 at 12:58 PM.

  9. #9
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    10,286
    Nancy,
    There are no rules in the TG World , we are individuals , your needs are different to mine as they are with other members on this forum .

    Being in the closet to some is a safe haven , a secret possibly comfortable World . To me it was like solitary confinement , through various circumstances my head felt like exploding in my forties , I just had to let go and tell the nearest person who happened to be my wife . From that point on the floodgates had opened , a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders . I then went from totally hidden in the closet to a solid wall of DADT so I wasn't much better off . The continuous feeling of suppression and also being unloved lead to me nearly ending my life , counselling had to happen twenty years on from that I'm now full time as Teresa.

    The bottom line is how bad is your dysphoria , how deep are your needs to move into the RW living more as a woman ? To feel that way and suppress it in the closet is almost mental cruelty to some people , denying your own feelings and needs to appease others is unacceptable , stopping a person being true to themsleves is wrong . I know we often question who is being the selfish one but I know I'm now the rounded person I always should have been by coming out , telling people has cost me very little but gained me so much .

    Other people live with problems we may never know about but we know being TG is more common than we think , coming out to people often opens the door for them to open up to us , it has happened on numerous occasions for me . It's not a human frailty, we do need to talk , that's why we have so many counsellors .

    Try and lose the guilt , the selfish feelings and consider yourself , accept yourself and your needs and be honest about it , the World does not end .
    Last edited by Teresa; 08-18-2019 at 10:20 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  10. #10
    Sallee Sallee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    San Diego
    Posts
    2,775
    I like to say I am n the closet but the door is open So if any one looks in they can see and I'll let them know and talk about it. The truth is not many people look in. I have told a few family members and some select female friends. Most don't care and don't push the issue or ask to many questions after about 10 min. Some want to go out with me, but most don't care.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Sallee

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member Angela1954's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    Upstate NY
    Posts
    534
    My wife is really the only one who knows. Would I like to tell others? Yes!! But what purpose would it serve and what would be the consequences? You have to weigh all variables before embarking on a risky course.

  12. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    10,232
    My wife is the only person who I can confirm knows of my desires to wear women's clothing. Once she said she had noticed I had not totally removed some eye makeup (eagle eye she is) but did not say anything art the time. So, she knows there is a little more to it than just putting on a slip. I believe she does not know the extent of my wardrobe. I would gladly share it with her, but, alas, that is not going to happen. Really deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." She did say one time the hardest part of "our secret" is not having anyone to talk to about it. She said that decades ago when our cross-dressing life was turbulent. She did say she may have said something to her close female cousin way back then. Maybe, is not a confirmation. If she did spill the beans it is not evident from my interactions with her cousin, who incidentally will be staying with us for ten days starting this week.

    I do agree "outing" oneself may have an unpredictable outcome. I really cannot remember having a conversation with anyone about cross-dressing. Is cross-dressing part of a normal day to day conversation? The issue of transgender rights does come up within the context of news; bathroom bills, etc. The issue of a man cross-dressing just does not fit into day to day conversation. So, what will happen if I spring this knowledge onto someone? Do I ask them to not to tell anyone else? Haven't I put a burden onto him or her? I'd really be concerned about the outcome of asking secrecy from a guy. Wouldn't he wonder why I was asking for his secrecy? I could image what would be going through his mind? Of course, from reading years of posts on this forum there seems to be a good chance friendships may cool. The outcome may put the man into a worse situation.....isolated.

    If I develop the need to engage with fellows humans attired as a woman I would seek out a support group.

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Highlands
    Posts
    802
    I am a very self-contained and happy person and do not NEED to tell anyone. A couple of exes knew about it but not the extent of it. I personally do not have any need for groups or meet-ups but understand that others do. Though I am in the closet because of possible impact on the perception of my work (the job itself would be safe and I work for very 'woke' people) a couple of women know both the real me and Susan. In fact I have a good GG friend whom I met when dressed as a woman at a fashion show. I value their feedback on my outfits. Recently I met a new woman and we seemed to hit it off - only time will tell if it comes to anything. Then I would have the challenge of telling her. Keeping it secret from her would not be on the agenda. Though I have excuses for my shaved legs and armpits (they are even true) I would not want to appear to lie about this. So I suppose I am about 90% in the closet. It works for me and I am able to spend most of my free time in a dress - a complete outfit below the neck plus earrings, and I sleep in a nightdress. I think honesty in relationships is important but I do not try to advise others on this. Each of lives an individual life and we represent a very wide range of reasons for dressing so what works for one may not work for anyone else.

  14. #14
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    2,349
    I think there’s a lot more of us out of the closet than you might think. I’m so far out, I’m out loud.

    I understand that it’s scary, but it’s only as scary as you want it to be. Sure you might lose some friends or family by coming out, but if they can’t support you, do you really need them? But I make no judgements about those who choose to stay in the closet. If their life balance works that way, then that’s great for them.

  15. #15
    Member jacques's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    East Yorkshire UK
    Posts
    409
    hello Nancy,
    I prefer to think of my dressing as "private" rather than "secret".
    We are not doing anything wrong and we are entitled to a private life.
    Similarly - when I go to the toilet I don't feel the need to tell others, I prefer my toilet preferences to remain in the closet .... ooops. perhaps that is not such a good analogy!
    luv J

  16. #16
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Location
    Orange County, California
    Posts
    2,390
    Jacques, It's OK if it's a Water closet.

  17. #17
    Senior Member Bobbi46's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    France, Villessot near St Christophe
    Posts
    1,967
    I like the humour somebody has been following my examples!!! LoL
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member Pumped's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    611
    In my opinion, if you tell one person, you better be ready to "come out" You never know how that one persona will handle it. Anywhere from acceptance and keeping your secret, to loosing a friend and the word gets out.

  19. #19
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Illinois
    Posts
    8,010
    My Wife was the only one who knew about my dressing. We talked about it many times, and we agreed not
    to go out of he house dressed. It would embarrass her, and I did not want to do that. We did have fun dressing,
    She would order outfits and dress me up on occasions.
    My Wife said, Society is just not ready for a man in a dress.
    Rader

  20. #20
    New Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    12
    I sometimes wonder if I'd be more open if I was single, or lived elsewhere, or had a different job. While I'm TOTALLY in the closet, when I do have the opportunity to venture out, I'm sooo nervous, but also find it exciting, to have the friendly conversations with staff at stores and especially getting my nails done. A very small and very separate group of people know my feminine side.

  21. #21
    Silver Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Midlands UK
    Posts
    4,519
    Nancy,

    In the closet to all and while there are obvious advantages to be out to your SO, if the big reveal goes badly there's so much to loose.

    In some ways being in the closet has certain advantages. If I were fully out, leaving the house enfemme it would alter the dynamic with my neighbours. I'd have a label, the bloke at No 7 who dresses up. While I'd hope everyone would remain civil and engaging, it's not a genie that can be put back in it's bottle.

    As for friends, I don't think I'd be shunned but again the dynamic would change and as it stands I like the current dynamic.

    The one thing being in the closet stops me doing is getting out and about as often as I'd like. That said as I'd prefer the neighbours not to know, I'd still dress away from home and the logistics and to some extend the costs involved would be a limiting factor anyway.

    So ideally being out to my SO would undoubtedly make things simpler but before I make that voluntary leap or get caught dressing I'll live with the status quo.
    Last edited by Helen_Highwater; 08-19-2019 at 08:34 AM.

  22. #22
    Aspiring Shopaholic BTWimRobin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    725
    Hi Nancy,

    Besides everyone here, there are three people who know about my dressing, my wife, therapist and the SA at Lane Bryant. There are a couple of close friends who I would like to share my secret with but now is not the right time for me. I feel it's easier to tell a total stranger than people you care about. While I am in the closet the door does have a tiny crack in it. I do have a couple of tells if you look close enough. So far no one has questioned me about them.

    Robin

  23. #23
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    10,286
    Helen,
    I don't have the neighbour problem as I no longer have to consider my wife . It's still a mixed bag for me , my neighbours are still friendly but two out of the three will only speak when I'm in male mode . The lady on my left is a sweetie , we chat for hours . The surrounding neighbourhood obvioulsy know as I come and go and they see me gardening . What they choose to say about me is up to them but most will give me a wave as they drive by , I'm not going to deny my happiness for the odd stray comment .
    The real me ,no going back.

  24. #24
    Junior Member HelpMe,Rhonda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Location
    Mid-Atlantic
    Posts
    79
    I'm trying to think of who one could possibly come out to that isn't somehow six degrees of separation from everyone else you know.

    On a couple recent flights I watched a makeover video and a 'Say Yes to the Frock' show, that's as close as coming out of the closet I've come to anyone not on a site like this or someone selling me something.

  25. #25
    Silver Member Crissy 107's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Location
    Virginia USA
    Posts
    3,067
    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    What they choose to say about me is up to them but most will give me a wave as they drive by
    Teresa, A hi and bye wave from neighbors is fine and if they choose to not get to actually know you it is their loss.
    Crissy

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State