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Thread: Keeping “The Closet” door locked

  1. #51
    Member Celee's Avatar
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    I’m still locked safely back in the closet. Im sure my wife suspects something but she hasn’t brought it up. I haven’t felt the need to rock the boat yet although when the pink fog hits hard sometimes I think, what could go wrong? Then I think about that old saying, it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, it’s worked well so far even if it is a bit lonely inside my closet.

  2. #52
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    Hi all, it's been a while since I posted as I outed myself to my SA a few months ago. At the time I was in a bad place and had agreed to go to counselling as I was very depressed and suffering bad head aches all the time. I outed myself to the counsellor after she kept digging into my childhood looking for the cause. I was in complete denial believing my problems were from PTSD. Despite the counselling my condition got worse, denial kicking in again. A long time male friend rang me to check on me and I told him. He said he was cool with it, "its not like you're going to run down the street in a frock is it?"
    I told my SA shortly after that. It was like I transferred all my problems to her. I felt better, but she was devastated, her perceptions of me were destroyed, we had been living a lie. She had no one to talk to, she didn't want anyone to find out. She wanted to know why I didn't tell her 16 years ago as she would have thought twice about our relationship.
    So now I'm in a deep DADT relationship, the trust destroyed, walking on egg shells all the time. The problem being, as you all know, it's not something you can switch off, the urge to dress is still there and gets stronger. Hence the head aches are coming back and I feel I should never have opened the door of the closet but as they say "you can't un-ring the bell". I can only hope some sort of compromise can be reached in the future.
    I stopped seeing the counsellor after we got onto the PTSD, she never said anything but the expressions on her face suggested she was going to have night mares about the things we faced on tour. Civvies don't like hearing about the things you have to do to keep them safe. Thank you all for being here. Alice -one day in the future

  3. #53
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    I told each of my wives of my crossdressing before we got married. Both of my exes, like my current wife were accepting or DADT (wife 1). Everything went well until they decided they wanted to start having an open marriage without letting me know about it. Since my wife and I have moved away ( she is accepting and very helpful) My second ex has told everyone we knew together about my dressing. I keep in touch with a few of them and they told me about her telling everyone. Most think she is nuts since as a "man" most people think I am very macho.
    So like we always say.. think carefully about who you tell.

  4. #54
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    I have thought about not just telling someone but more time spent on why? I’m sure everyone has something different to say on this. A little more than a year after coming out to wife. She has supported me 110% I just finally said enough I am gender fluid been dressing all my life. I went on a tell all rampage no need to tell the family they live hundreds of miles away but I did. Sister thinks it’s fun, brother said don’t call or write. Told my two neighbors both girls. I didn’t need too I hadn’t dressed here but I did. One don’t care. The other one thought I got some new religion running around in my skirts. The best reason I can give. Besides the closest is full of girl clothes and there is no more room left. I’m tired of hiding! So telling people is all about me not about them. This is my affirmation of who I am and I’m not hurting anyone so they can get bent all they want. I can truly say it’s has done wonders for my self esteem. I don’t have to feel like I’m some leper any more!

  5. #55
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BTWimRobin View Post
    Besides everyone here, there are three people who know about my dressing, my wife, therapist and the SA at Lane Bryant. There are a couple of close friends who I would like to share my secret with but now is not the right time for me. I feel it's easier to tell a total stranger than people you care about. While I am in the closet the door does have a tiny crack in it. I do have a couple of tells if you look close enough. So far no one has questioned me about them.
    Quote Originally Posted by HelpMe,Rhonda View Post
    I'm trying to think of who one could possibly come out to that isn't somehow six degrees of separation from everyone else you know.
    My life is totally compartmentalized, as if I had a security clearance and couldn't talk about my work.

    My wife knows, but wishes that she didn't. She knows that I crossdress, but doesn't want to see me dressed. The only thing she wants to know is when I'm going out and when I'm returning. She has the phone number of a good TG friend, but she moved out of state, and wouldn't know of my whereabouts in an emergency. I practice 2 degrees of separation, except with medical professionals that we share. They are required by law (in the US) to keep the secret. Medical professionals often include the receptionists and sometimes nurses, in addition to the doctor.

    As I said above, some of my medical professionals know, sometime because I walk in, and by surprise, am asked to take my shoes and socks off, exposing my painted toes. Or maybe an unplanned visit to the emergency room. Sometimes I just don't care and refuse to remove the nail polish from my painted toes, as long as my wife isn't with me. Sometimes I even share pics of Steffi with some medical professionals. One of my favorite "designers" is Adrienne Papell. It turns out that the bridesmaid dresses at one of my GG doctoctors wedding were Adrienne Papell. I guess your doctor needs to know you pretty well to discuss here bridesmaids dresses.

    Then, there my TG/CD girl friends in my DC social group. They all know. All you girls here and hundreds of girls that I've met at Keystone.

    There are also many SAs, makeup associates and nail associates who know.

    Sometimes I'll out myself to some random GG, like GG waitresses at some vanilla restaurant of GGs and the local straight-friendly LGBT bar.

    I'm not out to anyone at work.

    So, I'm still in the closet, but it's a very big closet.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  6. #56
    Junior Member Kelly-o's Avatar
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    Very interesting thread. I am also in the dress closet so to speak. My wife knows and she actually wants me to dress more full time if she had her way. So I am lucky that in home support is not an issue. She is really the only person that I know closely in on it. I have had a make-up lesson from a TG make-up artist and went out once dressed up to an event but those were just strangers.

    I have had an urge or two to see if I could somehow make another CD, TG, TS, TV friend in real life and dress up together tell stories share advice in person. but as far as coming out to a friend, co-worker or family member I am far too fearful of the real life consequences. Though I shave my legs I have a girly voice and I am short I honestly think many people already suspect it and would not be so blown away.

  7. #57
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    I've been outed in the past several times. My wife did it once at a 4 martini lunch with a bunch of women friends. It didn't really hurt me or cost us friends. I ended up becoming one of the girls when I went on shopping trips with them. On the other hand I have heard disaster stories. One of the things to my advantage is that I'm self employed and people hire me because of what I know and can do.

  8. #58
    Once upon a time... Veronica Lacey's Avatar
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    Hey there Nancy J…

    A very thought-provoking post. I have casually contemplated the same notion in the past couple of years as well (in my late 40’s) but decided that there was no value for me to share this info beyond my wife (semi-positive DADT) shortly after we met more than 25 years ago. Here are some random thoughts and observances.

    I tend to lean towards the idea that if you are involved in multiple social circles that encompass a large age range then you can feel each one out about such things as you deem comfortable. One may be more accepting than another.

    Those in the 20-30 range may not really blink at any such disclosure. My 20 year old niece has indicated that her peers don’t seem very phased, impressed nor put off by people that are not your cookie-cut gender. Same attitude towards crossdressers.

    Given your age, for same-age peers it can be double edged, I suppose. You were a teen in the 60’s so there may have been a surge of social acceptance of your peers for many such things of the time (your folks and my folks probably not so much.) If they have known you for that long there may be some who would be ok with knowing even if it takes some time to adjust. Of course there may be some who just cannot get over that you’re not the same person they’ve known all these years but many are probably emotionally adept enough to eventually mesh their past and present understandings of who you are and continue moving forward.

    It could also depend on just how much socializing you do within those circles. People you visit with once every few months are perhaps safer to disclose to than those whom you see daily or weekly. If somebody in one social circle cannot handle it others might and at least your other social circles would know nothing about it.

    As for myself I have considered sharing the info with a select handful of people. They are very close friends whom I consider as family (there are 3 such people: 2 female, 1 male) as well as my sister-in-law and the aforementioned niece. I get the true sense that, to these people, my crossdressing would not be this deep, dark secret that would keep them up at night until they burst at the seams to tell yet somebody else. Would it surprise them? You bet. Would they ostracize me? I doubt it. And I'd be okay with the ensuing questions if there were any.

    I also go in with the notion that I would not take their acceptance as opportunity every time we meet to dress up in their company. If they popped over and I was wearing something feminine then sure, it would be rather nice not to panic and change clothing. I would only disclose it to them for the sake of sharing more of who I am with them: a simple, caring, married heterosexual man who has also found private preference in dressing in female attire. It also helps that I have accepted myself.

    And I agree with those who have expressed along these lines: If you share this information with one then be prepared for more to know. If you get comfortable wearing whatever you wish in the company of one you may inadvertently give yourself away in the company of others via your words or if they come to visit and they just happen to see some of it in person. By then, I suspect/hope that you may not be as concerned anymore that others learn this about you.

    Feel welcome to pm any time.

    Veronica.

  9. #59
    Member jamienoir's Avatar
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    Only people who know abt my CDing is a few drag queens who have helped me with makeup and SA or two at cosmetics stores.

    My wife w whom I'm separated doesnt know (I started dressing again a few yrs ago). She tells our family biz and is a bit mouthy in certain situations. So I'm reluctant to tell her.

    I have no desire to confide in family and friends because CDing is a personal endeavor for me. I only want to communicate w other CDs abt my CDing.

  10. #60
    New Member Nicole79's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NancyJ View Post
    I’ll bet the vast majority of us are “in the closet.” We keep our crossdressing, underdressing, and gender identity to ourselves — a closely guarded secret. For those of us who are married, usually our wives know (with widely varying degrees of acceptance), but almost always no one else knows. That, to me, is part of why connecting and communicating on forums like this one are important.

    But, I’ve often considered telling someone else — someone in my day-to-day life, some one close to me. Each time I’ve considered this it has been because I was feeling isolated, or lonely, or maybe even just the pressure of keeping the secret was getting to me. And each time I’ve considered telling someone I’ve found multiple reasons not to do so, most of all, not wanting to burden them with having to carry a secret of mine that they didn’t ask for. They then would have a secret of mine that they couldn’t tell anyone.

    Plus, I knew that I couldn’t predict how anyone would handle it. I’ve ended up concluding that my wanting to share my secret is selfish — that it really would not benefit, for example, my sister, for her to know, or even a close male friend. I think it would (or could) alter our relationship in unpredictable ways that really does not benefit them and would only benefit me if they embraced my “gender issues” and offered support and understanding — but would they?

    So, I stay in the closet. It is lonely in here, but safer. I realize that I have been more forthcoming (about this) with SAs at DressBarn and Soma than I have been with my best friends. Anybody have success with voluntarily (not being “outed”) venturing out of the closet? Nancy
    Nancy, I am on the same page as you. I think I`m staying in the closet.

  11. #61
    A Woman Inside KarenSusan's Avatar
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    For some reason a few years ago I felt the overpowering need to tell someone. I confided to an elderly lady who I worked with after she retired. She had no problem with it and even let me visit with her dressed. She passed away a few years ago so since I am not married I am back in the closet. I worry that I will die before my sister because when she cleans out my place she will think less of me because I was a crossdresser.


    Karen Sue

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