Keeping “The Closet” door locked

[NancyJ]

I’ll bet the vast majority of us are “in the closet.” We keep our crossdressing, underdressing, and gender identity to ourselves — a closely guarded secret. For those of us who are married, usually our wives know (with widely varying degrees of acceptance), but almost always no one else knows. That, to me, is part of why connecting and communicating on forums like this one are important.

But, I’ve often considered telling someone else — someone in my day-to-day life, some one close to me. Each time I’ve considered this it has been because I was feeling isolated, or lonely, or maybe even just the pressure of keeping the secret was getting to me. And each time I’ve considered telling someone I’ve found multiple reasons not to do so, most of all, not wanting to burden them with having to carry a secret of mine that they didn’t ask for. They then would have a secret of mine that they couldn’t tell anyone.

Plus, I knew that I couldn’t predict how anyone would handle it. I’ve ended up concluding that my wanting to share my secret is selfish — that it really would not benefit, for example, my sister, for her to know, or even a close male friend. I think it would (or could) alter our relationship in unpredictable ways that really does not benefit them and would only benefit me if they embraced my “gender issues” and offered support and understanding — but would they?

So, I stay in the closet. It is lonely in here, but safer. I realize that I have been more forthcoming (about this) with SAs at DressBarn and Soma than I have been with my best friends. Anybody have success with voluntarily (not being “outed”) venturing out of the closet? Nancy

[Tracii G]

You do have to weigh the pro and cons of telling people. Why do they need to know in the first place?
When meeting new people there is no need to hide it so be up front and open about it.
Some may find it interesting and some may not just the luck of the draw.

[GretchenM]

Hi Nancy,
In my experience, staying in the closet is a mixed bag. You are quite correct in your views on the matter in that it is a safe way to go. I was that way for a long time and am still very cautious.

On the other hand, I also found sharing it with carefully selected others provided a great relief of the stresses from having to keep the "double life" a secret. All but one of my selected people have been very accepting, but supportive to various degrees. I was not wise about one I told, an old high school friend from longer ago than I care to mention, and that did not go well at all. He is pretty misogynistic and I should have considered that. The friendship ended. But that is the only calamity. The important thing is to have a reason why you want to share this with someone else rather than just sharing it to do so or to see the reaction or some such shallow reason. It can be viewed as an act of trust in them and end up being complementary to them that you shared it.

Follow your heart and continue to feel the way you do if you wish, but, on the other hand, don't rule out telling someone who you really trust. It is a hard decision, but the fact is, more often than not, it turns out to be a lot more joyful than you might expect. Just be careful to not impose it on them; just keep it factual and don't drop it out of the blue. If the talk is leaning in that direction and there is an opening and you feel good about the person, go ahead and spill the beans. Sometimes you find out that they suspected that all along and it is no surprise. Many people are a whole lot more perceptive of our inner selves than we think. Some of your friends may already figured it out.
Gretchen

[Cynthia_0101]

I did let it slip once to a co-worker.

I had worked with her for almost 6 years at that point and we were both pretty upfront with each other about other things that were going on in our lives. She had let me in on the details of her past because it kind of mirrored what was going on with my wife. I had contemplated telling her on occasions before but could never just bring myself to blurt it out. Then about 5 years ago I was super stressed out while my wife was in the hospital and it just kinda ended up coming out. I was freaked but she handled it like a true friend and just told me "Everyone deserves to be pretty"

After that, she was great at giving me advice and was super helpful. It turned out OK but the same can not be said for all situations. I would tread with caution.

Cynthia

[Judy-Somthing]

When I was in my teens all my friends new I liked to cross-dress.
We would would get together and three or four of us would dress up.
Sometimes girls would help with makeup.

At about the age of 19 the cross-dressing with friends stopped and I went into the Closet.

I had one friend who never never cross-dressed but knew I cross-dressed.
For about the next five years I would show him dresses I bought, then one day when he said "your really a strange person"
After that I never talked about cross-dressing with him.

[Linda Leigh]

Nancy,

I agree with you as I am in the same situation.

[Kendra Sue]

What you said pretty much reflects my life. I am in the closet and will stay there. It is a private matter. My spouse knows but it is DADT.

[Taylor186]

Nancy you sum up well where I'm at closet-wise, only luckily, I don't feel the least bit lonely about it. [I will add that I am a CD with seemingly no gender dysphoria.]

Fifteen years ago or so I joined a CD social/support group where I found meeting other like minded CDs and TGs and their partners beneficial to my journey. Four years later I left the group much happier and wiser. Groups are hard to find these days but if you locate one nearby you might consider giving them a try.

[Rhandi Spencer]

I have read this topic many times trying to determine how I feel, also taking in many of the comments.
I feel that my closet door is wide open except when I want to have it locked tight.

I have gone to therapist fully dressed many times.
I have had several makeovers fully dressed
2 weeks ago I went out with a friend fully dressed.
I have told many many people that I crossdress, most are female friends, most very accepting and supporting.
My nephew is a person I want to tell because him and his wife are very accepting and caring people they support LGBTQ. I have shared with his wife who has not told him.
It causes me a lot of stress when I start to tell people just from the fact I have no idea who they will tell.

Very difficult for everyone that has a network of people and not knowing how you will be judged or accepted.

Good luck to all

[Sissy_in_pink]

I use to be a closet crossdresser, but it was a very lonely time. I have gradually told some friends, one is an ex-girlfriend that I still see, we are great friends and I owe my life to her or I would have died 2 years ago long story.
In the last 12 months, I have been wearing full on makeup and jewellery to work and have been issued with the female version of the uniform, I have thinning hair but refuse to wear a wig to work.
3 work colleagues have seen me dressed only because I outed myself to them when I ran into them whilst out and another female work colleague has seen photos of me dressed
To date, both son and daughter know and have seen me dressed, so that makes it 4 males and 9 females know I dress, not counting everyone at work who sees me.
I found that it is much more exciting to go out dressed whether it be to the movies the club or just to do some shopping, one of my female friends has been to lunch with me at various places whilst I'm dressed and doesn't mind one bit.
I have also been to see my doctor fully dressed.

[jamienoir]

Only people who know abt my CDing is a few drag queens who have helped me with makeup and SA or two at cosmetics stores.

My wife w whom I'm separated doesnt know (I started dressing again a few yrs ago). She tells our family biz and is a bit mouthy in certain situations. So I'm reluctant to tell her.

I have no desire to confide in family and friends because CDing is a personal endeavor for me. I only want to communicate w other CDs abt my CDing.

[lingerieLiz]

I've been outed in the past several times. My wife did it once at a 4 martini lunch with a bunch of women friends. It didn't really hurt me or cost us friends. I ended up becoming one of the girls when I went on shopping trips with them. On the other hand I have heard disaster stories. One of the things to my advantage is that I'm self employed and people hire me because of what I know and can do.

[Teresa]

Nancy,
There are no rules in the TG World , we are individuals , your needs are different to mine as they are with other members on this forum .

Being in the closet to some is a safe haven , a secret possibly comfortable World . To me it was like solitary confinement , through various circumstances my head felt like exploding in my forties , I just had to let go and tell the nearest person who happened to be my wife . From that point on the floodgates had opened , a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders . I then went from totally hidden in the closet to a solid wall of DADT so I wasn't much better off . The continuous feeling of suppression and also being unloved lead to me nearly ending my life , counselling had to happen twenty years on from that I'm now full time as Teresa.

The bottom line is how bad is your dysphoria , how deep are your needs to move into the RW living more as a woman ? To feel that way and suppress it in the closet is almost mental cruelty to some people , denying your own feelings and needs to appease others is unacceptable , stopping a person being true to themsleves is wrong . I know we often question who is being the selfish one but I know I'm now the rounded person I always should have been by coming out , telling people has cost me very little but gained me so much .

Other people live with problems we may never know about but we know being TG is more common than we think , coming out to people often opens the door for them to open up to us , it has happened on numerous occasions for me . It's not a human frailty, we do need to talk , that's why we have so many counsellors .

Try and lose the guilt , the selfish feelings and consider yourself , accept yourself and your needs and be honest about it , the World does not end .

[Sallee]

I like to say I am n the closet but the door is open So if any one looks in they can see and I'll let them know and talk about it. The truth is not many people look in. I have told a few family members and some select female friends. Most don't care and don't push the issue or ask to many questions after about 10 min. Some want to go out with me, but most don't care.

[Bobbi46]

Heidi, Like you I am "out" to many in fact all of my village council, the Mayor, some English ex pats not to mention all of my French neighbours. The fact that all these people know is of no worry to me because of so many knowing.
With you in mind "the cat is out of the bag" so to speak so the people you have already told may have spoken of you to others the fact that so far there has been no no fall out from your disclosure suggests to me that all is well and ou should not worry about telling, the more people you tell the easier it is to tell without being nervous.
I am no longer nervous telling new people about me, you should be the same if you can.
If you want to Pm me I can elaborate on my experiences for you.

[Krea]

It is very lonely in the closet and i can understand why people want to come-out. But if you do, then you can't undo it if it goes badly. You might be able to guess whether someone would be supportive or not, but you can never be sure. So i can also understand why people remain in the closet.

Yet, i have begun sticking a few toes out of the closet, by openly wearing female clothing in a gender-blurred presentation. I haven't got as far as wearing a skirt in public yet, but i think that time is nearing....
If my work colleagues were to find out, then i really couldn't care less. If they don't approve, then that's their problem not mine. My employer has a very strict diversity policy, which is aimed at prevention of transphobia etc in the workplace.
As far as our friends go, my wife and i both take the view that if they found out and wanted to be nasty about it, then they're not real friends and we're better off without them anyway.

Yet, i will remain in a specific closet:
My wife asks that our relatives should not know about this and i respect her feelings. This is a minor difficuly really, as they all live several hundred miles away and we only visit them for a few days once a year, at which time i revert to some very discreet underdressing.

[carhill2mn]

Hi Nancy,

Over the many years that I have been a CD there were times when I considered telling others (women only) that I was a CD. Each time I decided not to tell anyone. In the long
run these were the correct decisions for me.

[Angela Marie]

My wife is really the only one who knows. Would I like to tell others? Yes!! But what purpose would it serve and what would be the consequences? You have to weigh all variables before embarking on a risky course.

[Stephanie47]

My wife is the only person who I can confirm knows of my desires to wear women's clothing. Once she said she had noticed I had not totally removed some eye makeup (eagle eye she is) but did not say anything art the time. So, she knows there is a little more to it than just putting on a slip. I believe she does not know the extent of my wardrobe. I would gladly share it with her, but, alas, that is not going to happen. Really deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." She did say one time the hardest part of "our secret" is not having anyone to talk to about it. She said that decades ago when our cross-dressing life was turbulent. She did say she may have said something to her close female cousin way back then. Maybe, is not a confirmation. If she did spill the beans it is not evident from my interactions with her cousin, who incidentally will be staying with us for ten days starting this week.

I do agree "outing" oneself may have an unpredictable outcome. I really cannot remember having a conversation with anyone about cross-dressing. Is cross-dressing part of a normal day to day conversation? The issue of transgender rights does come up within the context of news; bathroom bills, etc. The issue of a man cross-dressing just does not fit into day to day conversation. So, what will happen if I spring this knowledge onto someone? Do I ask them to not to tell anyone else? Haven't I put a burden onto him or her? I'd really be concerned about the outcome of asking secrecy from a guy. Wouldn't he wonder why I was asking for his secrecy? I could image what would be going through his mind? Of course, from reading years of posts on this forum there seems to be a good chance friendships may cool. The outcome may put the man into a worse situation.....isolated.

If I develop the need to engage with fellows humans attired as a woman I would seek out a support group.

[susan54]

I am a very self-contained and happy person and do not NEED to tell anyone. A couple of exes knew about it but not the extent of it. I personally do not have any need for groups or meet-ups but understand that others do. Though I am in the closet because of possible impact on the perception of my work (the job itself would be safe and I work for very 'woke' people) a couple of women know both the real me and Susan. In fact I have a good GG friend whom I met when dressed as a woman at a fashion show. I value their feedback on my outfits. Recently I met a new woman and we seemed to hit it off - only time will tell if it comes to anything. Then I would have the challenge of telling her. Keeping it secret from her would not be on the agenda. Though I have excuses for my shaved legs and armpits (they are even true) I would not want to appear to lie about this. So I suppose I am about 90% in the closet. It works for me and I am able to spend most of my free time in a dress - a complete outfit below the neck plus earrings, and I sleep in a nightdress. I think honesty in relationships is important but I do not try to advise others on this. Each of lives an individual life and we represent a very wide range of reasons for dressing so what works for one may not work for anyone else.

[Micki_Finn]

I think there’s a lot more of us out of the closet than you might think. I’m so far out, I’m out loud.

I understand that it’s scary, but it’s only as scary as you want it to be. Sure you might lose some friends or family by coming out, but if they can’t support you, do you really need them? But I make no judgements about those who choose to stay in the closet. If their life balance works that way, then that’s great for them.

[jacques]

hello Nancy,
I prefer to think of my dressing as "private" rather than "secret".
We are not doing anything wrong and we are entitled to a private life.
Similarly - when I go to the toilet I don't feel the need to tell others, I prefer my toilet preferences to remain in the closet .... ooops. perhaps that is not such a good analogy!
luv J

[Jenny22]

Jacques, It's OK if it's a Water closet.

[Elizabeth G]

I'm out to my wife, therapist, son and several SA's. In addition, for no practical reason, I came out to a gg coworker and I'm so glad I did. She's become my alternate therapist of sorts who I can get fashion tips and advice from as well. If you choose to come out to someone just be careful as obviously there can be repercussions.

[lingerieLiz]

I think I've had people who knew that I crossdressed just about everywhere I've lived. I've only came out of the blue to one woman. The rest were people who found out either saw me dressed or learned from others. I didn't hide it, but wore what I wanted. I found it interesting that a good ole redneck was told I was a CD and he said he didn't care I was a good guy. He told me personally the same thing.

I've had people who couldn't handle it, but that was years ago. I have no idea how many know today. "Big Time Tommie" says never tell people about your life. The less they know the safer you are. He also says be nice to everyone. Well I'm nice to everyone, but a lot of people know my un-secret "secret". When a woman asks to borrow a dress from you, or someone sees you come out of a dressing room at a women's boutique wearing a blouse and carrying a blouse matching one on the rack they know.