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Thread: Keeping “The Closet” door locked

  1. #26
    Aspiring Member Lacey New's Avatar
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    Nancy,
    I’m in the same boat that you are. I have too much reputation baggage to risk blowing it all up by revealing my cross dressing. And yes, it is frustrating, but this forum is great because there are others here who share and understand our dilemma. Hang in there.

  2. #27
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    I had both extremes in my life for many years and I can tell you the one who was totally out was the far better relationship .
    I'd always preferred androgynous men though all of my life so I am sure I gravitated in that direction but still . Many here remember the crazy episodes with my former husband who's exile to the closet was totally self imposed . I merely watched in amazement at the level of shame he had for himself and refusal to make any sort of progress or even PEACE with himself . He would get aggressive if he even perceived that he could be found out . Aggressive if he had to do something that cut into home dressing . Once a maintenance man came in the door with plenty of advanced notice and he knocked me down and stepped on me trying to get away from him . It actually drove me away first to my late TG partner then on my own . I do not miss him at all . The older he got the meaner , more bitter he got.
    Unless it truly interferes with making your living , I hate to see people so pent up like that . If you will lose your livelihood over it then I can understand your hesitation . I also know there are many that just like to dress who don't WANT to go any farther and that is fine .
    My late partner was always 100% out and simply did not care. NO hostility and alot of love . Life is so short .
    IG : Knightress Oxide

  3. #28
    Aspiring Member Georgina's Avatar
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    My closet is my house and yard. In my work I am dealing with customers for long hours so when I am off work I am happy to be alone. I do not feel lonely and dressing keeps me calm.

  4. #29
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    I’ve had to mull this one over. Here’s my take on it. I have tried denial. I’ve tried repression, and I continue to practice a kind of dual existence. I’ve maintained a facade for so many, for so long that I am having a much harder time shaking it than even I could imagine. Fear remains the big barrier. And I know that has repercussions in my attitudes, my mood, and basic enjoyment of the world.

    the mental image of one of those marine species, anchored to a rock, living inside a self constructed tube, only emerging when it seems safe, the snapping back inside at the first perception of hazard. For a while, I was largely free of this fear and able move confidently in my neighborhood or about town. Now...I lift the lid...peek out....emerge briefly... then snap back into hiding even before the first signs of threat appear.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  5. #30
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    Hi Nancy. I agree about the selfishness. Telling someone close is cathartic for the one doing the telling, but maybe not so good for the person your telling. Once you tell someone will they keep it a secret and not tell anyone else?

    I told my sister and my GF about 40 years ago. Back then it was a release since there were no anonymous internet people to share it with. It all started because my GF told me she was bisexual and later on my sister told me she was too.

    I've told a few of my past girlfriends but I doubt that I'll ever have a coming out party. Sometimes I feel that I'd like to dress every day. I've just had a long life of being known as a male. Dressing privately causes an inner conflict that I just have to live with until I face the fear of possible consequences.

    In closing, keep it a secret unless you want to transition or start dressing full time.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  6. #31
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    kimdl93. I can sure relate. Great analogy you put forth. I have not been out in public since Oct 2017. I live in small town midwest now, in a big apartment complex, many seniors. I do not dress near as often now, too. But think about much of the time. It does not go away . Sometimes, i think of driving to a big town or city, and going in public, but at my unusual height, is
    I stick out like a scare crow, and all eyes on me, and a bit unsure if i want to do that again. I think there is some exhibitionist in me.
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 08-25-2019 at 07:55 AM.

  7. #32
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    Hi Nancy. My situation is much like yours. Very in the closet. I'm married, but in a deep DADT. Several SA's at stores know. I did accidently out myself in the past to a couple female co-workers. It was no big deal and not much of a part of our conversations since. It all comes down to what do you want versus what are you willing to lose. I agree with your take about it can be selfish telling people and if you're not totally out. Maybe that is a good yardstick to use when telling someone. Would telling them benefit them or the friendship in some way?

  8. #33
    Member Rhandi Spencer's Avatar
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    I have read this topic many times trying to determine how I feel, also taking in many of the comments.
    I feel that my closet door is wide open except when I want to have it locked tight.

    I have gone to therapist fully dressed many times.
    I have had several makeovers fully dressed
    2 weeks ago I went out with a friend fully dressed.
    I have told many many people that I crossdress, most are female friends, most very accepting and supporting.
    My nephew is a person I want to tell because him and his wife are very accepting and caring people they support LGBTQ. I have shared with his wife who has not told him.
    It causes me a lot of stress when I start to tell people just from the fact I have no idea who they will tell.

    Very difficult for everyone that has a network of people and not knowing how you will be judged or accepted.

    Good luck to all
    hugs and more hugs

    Rhandi

  9. #34
    Sophie Sissy_in_pink's Avatar
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    I use to be a closet crossdresser, but it was a very lonely time. I have gradually told some friends, one is an ex-girlfriend that I still see, we are great friends and I owe my life to her or I would have died 2 years ago long story.
    In the last 12 months, I have been wearing full on makeup and jewellery to work and have been issued with the female version of the uniform, I have thinning hair but refuse to wear a wig to work.
    3 work colleagues have seen me dressed only because I outed myself to them when I ran into them whilst out and another female work colleague has seen photos of me dressed
    To date, both son and daughter know and have seen me dressed, so that makes it 4 males and 9 females know I dress, not counting everyone at work who sees me.
    I found that it is much more exciting to go out dressed whether it be to the movies the club or just to do some shopping, one of my female friends has been to lunch with me at various places whilst I'm dressed and doesn't mind one bit.
    I have also been to see my doctor fully dressed.
    Sophie Mosley

  10. #35
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Heidi, Like you I am "out" to many in fact all of my village council, the Mayor, some English ex pats not to mention all of my French neighbours. The fact that all these people know is of no worry to me because of so many knowing.
    With you in mind "the cat is out of the bag" so to speak so the people you have already told may have spoken of you to others the fact that so far there has been no no fall out from your disclosure suggests to me that all is well and ou should not worry about telling, the more people you tell the easier it is to tell without being nervous.
    I am no longer nervous telling new people about me, you should be the same if you can.
    If you want to Pm me I can elaborate on my experiences for you.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  11. #36
    Senior Member BrendaPDX's Avatar
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    Hi Nancy,
    I too am in the closet, and I am in a DADT relationship with my wife. I have been enfemme with another person only twice, but three others know. I do get out in the wild every few months but stick to myself, I don't mind not telling others, I just don't feel the need to come out. I have enjoyed your insight, and the responses to your post.
    Thank you for sharing.
    Brenda

  12. #37
    Non-Binary Member Krea's Avatar
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    It is very lonely in the closet and i can understand why people want to come-out. But if you do, then you can't undo it if it goes badly. You might be able to guess whether someone would be supportive or not, but you can never be sure. So i can also understand why people remain in the closet.

    Yet, i have begun sticking a few toes out of the closet, by openly wearing female clothing in a gender-blurred presentation. I haven't got as far as wearing a skirt in public yet, but i think that time is nearing....
    If my work colleagues were to find out, then i really couldn't care less. If they don't approve, then that's their problem not mine. My employer has a very strict diversity policy, which is aimed at prevention of transphobia etc in the workplace.
    As far as our friends go, my wife and i both take the view that if they found out and wanted to be nasty about it, then they're not real friends and we're better off without them anyway.

    Yet, i will remain in a specific closet:
    My wife asks that our relatives should not know about this and i respect her feelings. This is a minor difficuly really, as they all live several hundred miles away and we only visit them for a few days once a year, at which time i revert to some very discreet underdressing.
    Last edited by Krea; 08-20-2019 at 02:48 PM.
    "The only way is onward. There is no turning back."

  13. #38
    Carole carhill2mn's Avatar
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    Hi Nancy,

    Over the many years that I have been a CD there were times when I considered telling others (women only) that I was a CD. Each time I decided not to tell anyone. In the long
    run these were the correct decisions for me.
    Hugs, Carole

  14. #39
    Silver Member Elizabeth G's Avatar
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    I'm out to my wife, therapist, son and several SA's. In addition, for no practical reason, I came out to a gg coworker and I'm so glad I did. She's become my alternate therapist of sorts who I can get fashion tips and advice from as well. If you choose to come out to someone just be careful as obviously there can be repercussions.

  15. #40
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    TL;DR.
    As always, before coming out to anyone, consider the worst possible outcome. If you're fine with that, then proceed. Otherwise, reconsider why you feel that this other person must know. Coming out very rarely benefits those that you are coming out, too.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  16. #41
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    There's only two people in this world my wife and son, that I really care about how they feel, and they have accepted me. My Mother pretty much let me know at a young age that her love is not unconditional, same for the rest of the family. Sure it will hurt, but I am prepared to turn my back on any family members who won't accept me. .The remainder of the Earth's population can take a flying (you know what) if they have a problem with it.

    It is my job that I am worried about losing and that is the only thing stopping me from going full time.

    BTW: Sorry about the repost. The mobile site doesn't allow me to edit posts.

  17. #42
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Years ago, i almost came out to my only sister , who is older than me. I did mention to her about a Cd, at a singles dance, that i asked to dance, thinking the CDer was a GG. She cringed, so that made me change my mind about telling her. Also. she would have told my dad, who was still living, and my brother, and then others, and i would have really regretted ever telling her. I did tell several people i knew years ago, and they were not pleased with finding out at all, and a few lectured me how wrong it is.

  18. #43
    Curmudgeon Member donnalee's Avatar
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    I'm normally a pretty shy person and prefer to keep my business private as much as possible; it's just simpler. However, if push comes to shove, I will not deny it. I'm retired, do not risk my livelihood if discovered and frankly do not care much what strangers think. My SO died some time ago, I have no children and my only close relative is a sister 9 years older who can be a pain sometimes so I'm not really interested in her knowing, but other than that, it makes little difference to me who does
    You cannot control who those you tell talk to and about what. The thing you have to remember is that once it's out of your mouth, it's out of your hands..
    ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!

    "The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)

  19. #44
    Aspiring Member abbiedrake's Avatar
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    I'm out to a small number of people. It started with SAs as a matter of practicality in asking for aid with makeup. Some of those I would now consider friends. They love knowing and talking to a man who is so far removed from their own all too typical SOs.

    Then I came out to a small handful of close friends. Why? It was more why not tbh. Those friends are all part of a gamer group I run and that also looks out for its members. I've long found that one of the best ways of getting people to trust me is to trust them first.

    As a result my life has been largely an open book to them. But I know for a fact that my sharing my dressing has led to a deepening of some of those friendships. All expressed gratitude and a degree of privilege in my sharing with them. And most have in turn shared more of themselves. One talked of his faith. Another called me to talk about a PTSD flashback that had left him shaken. Yet another told me of his bedroom dressing with and ex before lamenting that his current wife would never countenance such a thing.

    Yet another turned out to be trans too. I now have a girlfriend I'd never have had if I'd not taken the first step.

    Much has been made here of the selfishness of sharing one's secret but my own experience has been almost ubiquitously one of seeing the recipient feel they could then share something of themselves they would have otherwise have carried in secret. My bedroom dressing friend and veteran with PTSD both kept their situations secret from their spouses. Wasn't it selfish of me to allow them to feel I was someone safe to share with?

    I would also note no-one has reacted at all adversely to my sharing. No-one that is except my wife and it's fair to share she has far more invested in her relationship than anyone. But even there, while she finds my dressing a turnoff she does appreciate the ancillary benefits that have come with my self-acceptance. I've quit drinking, which was definitely killing me. I'm far more open and honest and loving than ever. So even there, the risk was worth it.

    A final aside. I'm estranged from my entire family, parents, sister, children, extended family. I'm not sure how I'd approach those situations, especially as my father dressed!

    Also I'm not employed so don't have that to deal with. Though given my flaunting of dress code for my last several years of full time employment I'm inclined to believe that I'd be likely to push things there and not give a crap. YMMV.

  20. #45
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    Hi Nancy , Before you dive into the Deep end of the Pool see #4 in my signature. >Orchid .oOOo.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  21. #46
    3dxchat User JuliaGirl's Avatar
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    New member here, Nancy, but exactly the same situation as yours. 56 and closeted ... last kid off to university, the desire to dress perhaps as strong as it has ever been. Or as I like to joke, at least be able to hang my dresses and get a load of laundry done in the open. But I'm not sure my wife of 25+ would understand anyway ... I don't need silent contempt and eye rolling to add to the burden of being slightly different than the "hetero-normative" man, anyway. So yes, safe but lonely ... and except for a few SAs suspecting and two pro makeup artists I've hired ... all alone but safely quiet here as well.

    P.S. Should also have mentioned I have never been outside the house while dressed.

  22. #47
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    Hi Nancy,

    This hits close to home for me. I am married but my wife has no clue about Angela. Because I felt what I was doing was wrong I locked up my feelings for years (wasn't a very good lock I suppose) and now here I am starting over again. I've decided I have to be honest with myself. I'm starting all over again buying clothes but the most important thing for me is that Angela is who I am... That was very difficult to say. As I now try to figure out where I'm going there is no reason to tell any of my family and friends. I may never tell them but that decision is for another day. I want to experience being Angela. Being on this forum is my first step. The support I see from the girls here is wonderful. To be able to write this for me is incredible. I'll be in the closet for a while but thats ok. Some day I hope to be out with the girls having a drink some place but for now just accepting me is good enough.

  23. #48
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    I am locked in MY "Closet" too----No one but me Knows, but my "Lady friend" may suspect---No big deal though. She would be open to it.----I would just rather NOT deal with it. I use CD to "relax and Unwind", sort of taking a "vacation" from my male self. Of course I have fun, primarily taking photos indifferent "disguises" and "Looks". I have only been outside TWO times, and then I had good 'excuses"---Once was as a (female) "Gypsy Fortune Teller" for our Adult Sunday School HALLOWEEN PARTY--I won FIRST PRIZE and also reinvigorated the costuming tradition that had been on the wane. (My realistic "Mark Twain" only won 2nd Prize the next year to an 80 YO"pregnant Nun") The second time was in a "Womanless Beauty Contest", at Church for our Valentine "Dinner and a Show"----Didn't win that one though-- Our retired Pastor did (it was rigged)

  24. #49
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    I think I've had people who knew that I crossdressed just about everywhere I've lived. I've only came out of the blue to one woman. The rest were people who found out either saw me dressed or learned from others. I didn't hide it, but wore what I wanted. I found it interesting that a good ole redneck was told I was a CD and he said he didn't care I was a good guy. He told me personally the same thing.

    I've had people who couldn't handle it, but that was years ago. I have no idea how many know today. "Big Time Tommie" says never tell people about your life. The less they know the safer you are. He also says be nice to everyone. Well I'm nice to everyone, but a lot of people know my un-secret "secret". When a woman asks to borrow a dress from you, or someone sees you come out of a dressing room at a women's boutique wearing a blouse and carrying a blouse matching one on the rack they know.

  25. #50
    Member Lea's Avatar
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    Nancy I am in a very similar situation as you.
    My wife knows and that is it. Several times I have wanted to tell people just to be able to share this part of me. I never did as the job I retired from I would have been fired when they found out. My wife does not want me to go out dressed, excluding Halloween, near our house and I respect that On the times we went out on Halloween my wife was very encouraging to me and made sure I had an enjoyable evening.
    It does get lonely not being able to share this side of me but for my situation it is for the best. It is one of the reasons I like this forum. It is my community.

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