Bedroom Issues

[CrossKimmy]

Hi girls,

I'm not sure of this is the right place for this post. If not, I truly apologize.

So I've been trying to be intimate with my wife lately but IT is just not working for me. Like my wife is a little hottie, totally gorgeous, and she really turns me on, but I'm not responding well in the lower department like I used to. I keep feeling like I need that extra something to really push me, like I also want to be wearing cute lingerie. I feel like that will absolutely help improve my performance but the problem is I am not out to her yet.

I just want to be able to please her but I feel like performance anxiety.

[Tracii G]

If you are not out to her maybe your panty fantasy is not something you should spring on her.
Then again if she is kind of kinky it just might work.
No need to come out just say you have a kink about wearing panties during foreplay. Keep in mind if that doesn't do the trick you haven't caused any disturbance like coming out would.
Maybe you have ID or something like that.

[kimdl93]

Before resorting to lingerie or other gimmicks to stimulate a response, I strongly encourage you to visit with your medical provider. As we age the physiological reaction can be affected by a number of treatable conditions. Start there first.

[Bobbi46]

Just four words "go to your doctor" fantasy's and panties dont always work seek medical help first, also if you disclose your desire for panties you could open a whole can of worms and endanger the relationship you have with your loved one.
tread carefully and think thoroughly first.

[Micki_Finn]

Always eliminate medical issues first, but this sounds psychological to me. I would venture to guess that you’ve come to associate your dressing with “sexy time” so much that you’ve basically wired your brain to need that for arousal. This is going to be exacerbated even more if you tend to “pleasure yourself” while dressed. If that is the case, then the immediate solution would be to stop doing “sexy” or “sexual” things while you dress. If that’s the only reason you dress, then you have a choice to make.

[Tracii G]

Micki is right.
Sort out the reason why you dress first.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Miki is spot on with her reply. For some people sex becomes something that they have created a need for greater and greater stimuli to achieve the same level or result. It does sound as if you have transferred the "wearing cute lingerie" from your wife's role to your own. Assuming you accomplish this goal, the nex progression would be , shoes, or nylons then hair and make up to achieve the same level of stimuli. While a medical doctor will be able to prescribe something to fix the "down below", a therapist will be able to assist you in figuring out whats happening "up above". This is def something you should address wither with or without your wife. She would probably appreciate being in the loop.

[Vickie_CDTV]

If this is a new/recent problem, you really should see a doctor. It can be an indicator of a more serious medical condition (not that is always is, but it can be an indicator of something serious.)

Also, remember wearing lingerie may turn you on... but like most women it is likely to turn your wife off.

[docrobbysherry]

I have a different view from the group!

Having been married I believe adding fetishes to aid bedroom performance can work. If the items turn both partners on!
If not, they can be like pouring water on a lit candle!

It is my opinion that whatever 2 people do to keep their marriage alive in the privacy of their home is their business alone. As long as they don't end up in a hospital or draw blood!

If u have a solid marriage and r intimate with your SO u should be able to discuss your fantasies and bedroom desires with her. Not a doctor! If u can't discuss these things, your long term partnership outlook may be at risk.

[Stephanie47]

I have to agree with all the recommendations to first eliminate any medical issues. I read your bio page. You're relatively young, but, youngsters also can come up with undiagnosed medical issues.

Trying to work lingerie for you into the bedroom can be rather tricky and also become a mine field. I do agree with Sherry that fetish behavior or experimentation can be of benefit to husband and wife. What can blowup in your face is having coaxed your wife one way or another into your fantasy and then later you bring cross dressing. Your wife may react negatively and feel you conned her into a fantasy that really did not include her. She may feel she wasn't enough to turn you on. You needed some kinky sex aid. You may even find she loses any desire to wear sexy lingerie and even tell you not to buy her anymore. Out come the warm flannels.

I am not speculating. I am speaking from experience. It took a long time to overcome.

[prene]

I also agree ... see a doc first.

I kind of have the same issue but I try to just work on the foreplay forever LOL.

Does not always work but still fun

[GretchenM]

In my view, the problem with adding such enhancers is that there is a tendency to become dependent upon those in order to engage in what should be a natural and often spontaneous behavior of having sex. Once that dependency develops it is hard to turn off. So, my recommendation is like the others - eliminate medical issues first and if nothing is found there then work on the possible psychological issues that is producing the partial blockage.

Sex toys and other means of "getting creative" can be fun, but if you are having difficulty with the basic sexual stimulation then those can become necessary. Keep in mind that as we get older, whether male or female, our ability and desire to have sex often declines. When that starts happening, some people get very worried about it when that is normal. When that starts to happen we look for things that can bring back the "old me" and be able to perform as you did in the past. Some men take testosterone. If you are at the age where the decline is supposed to be happening then boosting the the T levels can be very dangerous and even fatal. There is a reason it declines and that reason is so we can live longer. Boosting T can produce blood clots, strokes, and heart attacks. Don't do it unless a doctor finds you are way below where you should be after factoring in your age.

We are all different in that way, but when it becomes what we think is a problem it is best to discuss it with your doctor first to make sure something medical isn't going on. Those can often be corrected fairly easily, unless it is the natural decline. But fixing psychological problems is a whole lot more difficult and is useless if there is a medical issue occurring.

[Alice Torn]

CK It is ok. Love is not merely a sexual "performance" , as stupid radio and tv commercials tell us all the time. It is ok to not have it always hot to go.

[Pumped]

Kimmy, does "it" work fine other times? If "it" never works, better go see a doc. If "it" works fine at other times, then it is a psychological thing. Your head is getting in the way. Then you might need to see a head doc. Understanding why is is a start. I know there are times with my wife that I wish I were dressed and my head gets in the way. Luckily, I don't have problems often and less lately because my wife has become accepting and we have brought dressing into the bedroom. Perhaps you can open up to your wife might be the best solution.

[alwayshave]

Kimmy, I would go see a doctor and discount any physical issue before just assuming lingerie will solve the problem.

[Teresa]

Kimmy,
You're quite young to have this problem , if I may ask was the dressing and sex linked very early on when it all started ?

I ask this because it is very closely linked for me , I also had GFs that were OK with dressing and sex during my late teens . It can be hard to separate the link , you can see a counsellor but the problem may not totally go away .

I'm not sure if Micki has the answer or not , to stop doing it may be more harmful , I appreciate an answer will have to be found before your wife starts to put two and two together and possibly comes to the wrong conclusions . The other option is to come clean and tell her the problem , she may be OK with some compromises to keep you happy as well .

[docrobbysherry]

Kimmy, does "it" work fine other times? If "it" never works, better go see a doc. If "it" works fine at other times, then it is a psychological thing. Your head is getting in the way. Then you might need to see a head doc. Understanding why is is a start. I know there are times with my wife that I wish I were dressed and my head gets in the way. Luckily, I don't have problems often and less lately because my wife has become accepting and we have brought dressing into the bedroom. Perhaps you can open up to your wife might be the best solution.

What Pumped said! U probably don't need a doc. I doubt whether many of those that recommended that solution have actually followed their own advice? I have. My sexual disfunction, like most, was a mental issue!
Which Sherry cured!

There was an old cure for sexual disfunction before viagra that still works: "A new, young woman!"

[Rileyaz]

Kimmy,

Just dress up completely and then surprise her. That should do it.
Just kidding....

GO SEE THE DOCTOR!

[BTWimRobin]

Talk to your wife. Then go see a doctor.

[Judy-Somthing]

If you get a woody while sleeping like morning wood then it's not ED.
I had several months I had trouble preforming with the wife but I still had "morning wood".
I found it to be that I was disappointed that she wouldn't dress a little more fem in the bedroom like she did in the past.
Once I was able to accept that she doesn't want to dress for me I let the anger/disappointment go and now I don't have a problem.
I will admit I have little interest in doing it without her dressing sexy like se did 15 years ago.
Last night I was hopping she didn't want it!

She told me yesterday that after manapose she lost just about all her drive! and it's not her fault! Well dressing is not my fault!

[Stephanie47]

With reference to Sherry's comment (#17) even if one person responding to this thread (moi) dealt with the issue, then the suggestion is valid. Even at a young age a man may be an undiagnosed diabetic which may interfere with performance. And, I do agree there may be an issue with mindset which may need to be resolved.

[Tracii G]

Whatever the issue is it needs to be dealt with and resolved.

[JeanTG]

I have fairly advanced ED. No more morning wood, just some swelling, not enough to enjoy penetrative sex; age and diabetes related. Fortunately vitamin "V" works well... but is hardly needed as my wife's sex drive has disappeared after menopause. So it's only a few times a year now on special occasions. Last time, I didn't take my vitamins and it was a fail. Wearing lingerie or not is not the issue; my wife tolerates me wearing panties to bed so that's not the problem.

As others have said going to the doctor is a good idea if you no longer get morning wood. It could be the "canary in the coal mine" for a more serious problem like diabetes, heart disease or high blood pressure. Diabetes was for me a signal to get fit. The erections have not come back but my cardio fitness is excellent and I've lost some 25 lbs since diagnosis 8 years ago, and in fact was able to reduce my medication through exercise and occasional fasting.

[LilSissyStevie]

I've had "ED" when it comes to vanilla sex since I can remember. Of course, it psychological since I don't have "ED" when it's the kind of sex I prefer. My wife likes vanilla sex sometimes so I went to the doctor and got some pills. They make the plumbing work no matter what I like. That makes her happy but it's kind of a chore for me and they give me a headache afterwards. But, I don't mind really, it can't always be about me. It gives me a chance for some fantasy role play where I pretend I'm a "real man." I don't feel any need to get "cured" any more than a gay person should feel the need to learn how to like hetero sex. The trick is finding a partner with whom you can be yourself. Easier said than done but it's possible.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kimmy , Don't ruin a good thing,

See line #4 in my signature. >Orchid .oOOo.