DADT Creates Confusion

[Jayne44C]

So my S.O asked my opinions about 3 separate pantsuits she bought for the office. I told her two of them were complimentary to her skin tone and figure. The last one, not so much.

She went on to ask "are you saying that as yourself, drab male, or as "Jayne?" I told her Jayne is always a present, she's not a schizophrenic character. I saw that confused her by the expression on her face.

Maybe one day she will come to understand me, on her own, a bit more. Or perhaps I will find a way to help her understand 'me' more.

[Robertacd]

You should have asked why it matters.

But if they were two different people I would think Jayne would be more honest than the guy that doesn't want to hurt his wife's feelings by saying the clothing she just bought looks terrible on her..

[Jenny22]

Jayne, you are apparently in a DADT situation. So, how much does your SO know about Jayne? Has she softened in any ways towards your being Jayne?

[NancySue]

One big plus, if I read your thread right, your SO knows about Jayne. This could be an opportunity to “have the talk”. Will she understand? I doubt it, but hopefully, she’ll appreciate your courage and honesty to tell her. I took that leap of faith before we married...fearing the worst. After hours of discussion and reading, to this day, neither of us understand cding. We know one thing, it’s here to stay..it ebbs and flows, which, I sense, you already know. Please keep us updated on your next steps.

[Micki_Finn]

I kinda get what she was asking and why. Cis-men tend to approach women’s fashion differently than women do.

[Jayne44C]

Jayne, you are apparently in a DADT situation. So, how much does your SO know about Jayne? Has she softened in any ways towards your being Jayne?

I guess my definition of DADT is a bit different. I look at it here as she knows, but doesn't support or speak about my dressing. There's been no noticable change in her attitude towards my dressing IMO.

[Stephanie47]

I do think her question as to whether your male self or Jayne is critiquing the dress is valid. I don't any man who would analyze skin tone as it relates to a dress/pantsuit. I know my wife all the time makes comments about whether a particular color works for her. That's a woman thing. If she showed confusion when you said Jayne is always along for the ride with your male self that probably contradicts an erroneous belief or assumption. If you were schizophrenic that would give her some reasonable basis for cross dressing behavior....at least in her mind.

I think the confusion as pointed out in the heading is trying to figure out makes a cross dresser tick. From your prior posts it is safe to say neither of you can answer the question. When you figure out the answer you can bottle it and make a lot of money.

[jacques]

hello Jayne,
If your So asked if your reply was as a "drab male" then it seems to me as if she has done her research and may be more accepting than you think. Maybe you should tell your SO that you are the same loving partner whatever clothes you wear?
luv J

[NancyJ]

Jayne, I think your definition of DADT is a fair one, but even within this category there is a variety. I would absolutely LOVE for my wife to even acknowledge that there is a “she” to me, and my wife does not know that I think of myself as Nancy. She knows I dress, I wear only panties, I have women’s clothes hanging on my side of the closet, I wear feminine floral-patterned sleep pants to bed at night, etc. But, not a word is spoken about it. After our last big fight about my crossdressing many years ago I agreed that I would not bring it up again — that it would be up to her to bring it up. She hasn’t. Not holding my breath. :-( Nancy

[Kelly DeWinter]

Jayne;

Don't be bitter, you are missing out on a great opening to communication with your spouse. I've spoken to many wives who have said that thinking of their spouse by their female names helps them process how they feel when dressed. Ironically a lot of theses same wives were in DADT or divorcing relationships. Your snappy retort might have made you feel better, but consider that you had an opportunity for honest dialog. Next time bring it down a bit and engage in a way to encourage a thaw in the DADT part of your relationship, your wife is obviously willing to talk about it.

[alwayshave]

As a guy I think every time my wife asks me a question, it is a trick question. As in do these pants make me look fat. As my alter ego, it would be how I feel.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm confused why you're confused, Jayne?

When I was married and wasn't sure what my wife meant? I asked her! Because whenever I tried to guess what she meant, like we're doing here? I was ALWAYS WRONG!

[GretchenM]

It is difficult for many SOs to grasp what is really going on. I think a lot of this stems from the common concept that gender comes in two forms and in between the two forms (male/masculine and female/feminine) it is a vast uninhabited wilderness. It is hard to grasp that a person can actually be both in various ways and often that blend is not really a choice they made. It is just the way they are, or, rather, we are. But as others have recommended, now is a great time to introduce your wife to the concepts that we live with everyday, whether we want to or not. We can modify those feelings to some degree, but eliminating them completely is very often not something we can accomplish. That is probably because our behavior has a foundation in our genetics and you cannot turn off genes at will. They define you and once activated there is no readily available off button you can push. Your body can deactivate them but that usually turns out to be a malfunction as a result of hormone loss or extremely severe emotional trauma.

Edit addition: Also they are usually cisgender which means they cannot experience what we experience. If you can't experience it then it is hard to accept that the blended identity is possible. To them it appears to be some kind of fantasy that we have. In most of us it is no fantasy.

[Jayne44C]

I'm confused why you're confused, Jayne?

When I was married and wasn't sure what my wife meant? I asked her! Because whenever I tried to guess what she meant, like we're doing here? I was ALWAYS WRONG!

The confusion here was on behalf of my S.O. She was unsure about which her perceived part of my personality made the assessment and comments about her outfits. She still sees me as a dual personality individual. I've tried to explain to her that I have just one and that "Jayne" is 'ON', to use an expression, 24/7.

[Chloe St Clair]

Great Analysis Gretchen! It does a much better job trying to explain why we have these feelings than anything I've tried to come up with. I'm saving your post for the next time the subject comes up with my wife.

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Jamie,

When my wife asks that question I generally answer yes, you look .... "Pretty Hot and Tempting" (PHAT)