My wife said emphatically no!

[Sometimes Steffi]

Please excuse me for the delay in posting an update, but I’ve been very busy the past couple of days, but not crossdressing.

Tuesday, I told my wife about the job offer at Lane Bryant. And asked her if she would “give me permission” to do it. She said emphatically no.

She also said, “If you do take the job, don’t bother coming home.”

We didn’t even get to the discussion part, about pros and cons. I was not able to tell her that:

1. It would get me out of the house.
2. It would give me something to do.
3. It would bring in some cash, but not very much.
4. It would exercise a different part of my brain, which is probably the first thing experts say that will eliminate or postpone dementia.
5. It would make me very happy, and she has said that she thinks I’m depressed about the search for a job in my engineering field (and I am depressed, but not clinically, from time to time).

In retrospect, I probably never had much of a chance of her acceptance, this in spite of the fact that several people I told in the RW were very accepting.

I’m not sure what the difference between being dressed as a girl in a bar versus being dressed as a girl in a retail shop, except that drinking is involved in one of them.

I’m not sure what the difference between buying a dress in a retail shop versus selling a dress in a shop.

I actually considered Option 2, that is not coming home, but it’s not the right time.

But I am starting to wonder if I can or should continue living this way in a DADT relationship. As many have said, we only have one life to live, and we should live it as we desire. I’m getting along in years, and it’s clear that my wife’s attitude is not going to change. I’m starting to wonder if I should Teresa’s approach to living as a girl more often.

[Tracii G]

Well you got your answer.
I would like to hear what her actual reasons for saying no was.

[Micki_Finn]

I wonder if it had gone better if you had discussed it before you went out and found a job to dress at.

[pamela7]

sometimes humour can ease situations. "as you've told me 'no', you're clearly wearing the trousers, so someone here has to wear the skirts!"

xxx Pam

[Crissy 107]

Pam, Pretty funny!
Stef, I really think you need to ask LB about working in male mode, if it works you get the job you wanted and the income, also I don’t see how your wife could say no to that.

[Sometimes Steffi]

When I had the interview at Lane Bryant, the interviewer said that I could come to work either in boy mode or girl mode. I said, "You mean 'gender fluid'". and she (the interviewer said, "Yes".

However, I did ask my wife if I could work in male mode. She said, "Now you're just trying to manipulate me to get what you want."

Since my wife didn't know of the job application to LB, nor the interview before "The Talk v2.0", I could have started with "asking permission" to apply for the job, then a couple of days later,telling my wife I had scheduled an interview, and the telling her a couple of days later that I got the job. I know, not truthful. But based on how emphatic she declines me, I don't think asking in advance would have changed anything.

as for the income, the pay rate was $9.75 per hour, for 3 to 4 hours per day for 3 to 4 hours per week. Best case, that comes out to $160 per week, before taxes. That's probably barely enough to pay for my quarterly wardrobe upgrades to continue to be "fashion forward".

As for wasting the manager's time, my interview lasted an hour, and she probably worked another hour "doing paperwork",

[alwayshave]

Steffi, I am sorry that this was a no go with your wife. Not to jump on, but given your wife's dislike of your crossdressing are you at all surprised at her response?

[Robertacd]

Well you did put the cart before the horse.

And the horse is not happy about it.

[kimberly c]

We're you really surprised by her answer. You should have started this process by asking her first.

[Tracii G]

Could we say its another case of a CD doing their best to mess up a relationship?
We all said you should have asked first but my guess is you didn't find her input important enough.

[Joan_CD]

I’m sorry this happened to you, but in all honesty I feel badly for the LB personnel that spent their time interviewing and discussing you as a candidate. I’m wondering if someone else was given a rejection letter as a result. Best of luck with your wife.

[Allison Chaynes]

I’m sorry this happened to you, but in all honesty I feel badly for the LB personnel that spent their time interviewing and discussing you as a candidate. I’m wondering if someone else was given a rejection letter as a result. Best of luck with your wife.

This. 100%.

[Joyce Swindell]

Personally my opinion is to call her bluff. As long as you've been married is it all worth her giving you up over the clothes you wear?

[AndreaCalifCD]

The way things are going, the job at LB might not be around for long anyway?
Two local(ish) to me have closed of the past few years.
Wouldn't surprise me if they go the way of Dressbarn as well...

[char GG]

Personally my opinion is to call her bluff. As long as you've been married is it all worth her giving you up over the clothes you wear?

I disagree, Joyce. There seems to be more to the entire situation than "clothes". Secrecy and lack of communication seems to play into this.

Steffi, Do you think your wife would be comfortable with the job if you worked in "man mode"? Was it a "requirement" that you work cross dressed? Or do they want you, as a person. I realize that it was exciting to you to think you could work dressed as a woman but in reality, work is work.

[cdsamswife]

Im sorry it's come to this.... I would be quite angry though if Sam came home and told me he got a job offer while being dressed without telling me beforehand that he was contemplating doing that.. and Im usually supportive of his dressing to begin with....

So maybe it's not that you would be dressed while at the job but because you didn't discuss with her beforehand as others have said? Good Luck! Hope it works out whatever you choose...

[NancySue]

I’m sorry to hear of your dilemma and agree with bits and pieces of other posts. In my post, I suggested you never “assume” anything until the deal is done...final. Not to be viewed as taking sides, however this whole episode, pros and cons, should have been discussed with your wife before moving forward. Most of us, male or female do not appreciate being “blindsided” and the dishonesty that usually accompanies it. This, not the dressing, could be the real issue. With her response, I sense you’ve got a big mountain to climb. Good luck.

[Teresa]

Steffi,
I can't rub salt in the wound , it was a brave attempt to step out in the RW , so sorry with the outcome .

I'm not sure if you realise the big difference between going out occasionally for a social drink and stepping out full time to hold down a job .

So I guess now you've taken a big step back with your wife , maybe it's time to let the dust settle , perhaps even a gentle conversation won't go down well at the moment .

I can only speak now from my own experience but somehow you have to know if you have taken a step too far , as I found once the damage is done there is no going back , it could well be finding workable compromises but as I found they were one sided . You have to really decide which direction you want your road to go , how much is the dream or dysphoria driving you ? Again from my own experiences I knew I couldn't backpedal , as I'm sure you're aware separation had to happen she couldn't live with my TG needs and I couldn't live without them . Now the dust is beginning to settle we are both happier and I might add I have lost very little in the process . My biggest problem has been deciding what to believe from my wife but now I have full control of my life and she doesn't .

[Sheren Kelly]

Now I know I made the right decision to never marry.
As an adult, I could never accept having to "ask for permission" to do something that I wanted to.

[Teresa]

Sheren,
It's all swings and roundabouts ! I wouldn't change those years of my life for anything ! I have no regrets .

[Shelly Preston]

Steffi I am sorry it did not work out the way you hoped

Now you really have to ask objectively with your wife do you need the money. This might enable male mode working.

If she still says no then be very careful not to raise the question of that job again under any circumstances. You would not want your wife thinking you sere blaming her for not having a job.

Many have give her reasons so there is no point in repeating them.

Lastly make extreme apologies to LB if your not taking the job.
I am sure you don't need to tell them the real reason, but that's your choice.

[Bobbi46]

In the words of the late great laurel and Hardy "That's another fine mess I have got into" I think the time to talk of your intention was before you went down the road of interviews, behind her back all the way now your good wife could be thinking what other secrets are you holding back? withdrawing from the job could have an impact on how LB look at future TG/CD people. Sure it was a great success to get the job but I think you have dug a bit of a hole for yourself, how you get yourself out of this I have no idea at all I only hope you will be able take the job offer up it would be a huge boost for our community all round.
good luck let us know how the "talk" goes.

[Crissy 107]

Steffi, I am sorry to hear that the talk, however long it was, did not go well at all. I think it is a good point made by Char about doing the job dressed as a male if that is possible.

[Joyce Swindell]

My suggestion is merely to stay out later to get your wife's attention. If she isn't open to discussion then I would feel a lack of love and well-being for me and our relationship.

Sometimes people need a little "jolt" as in we don't realize what we miss until it's gone. Love isn't something we say, it's something we do.
We are all human, we all make mistakes. Stephanie now knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she made a mistake in following the DADT rules.

How deeply does she love you and your relationship?

I agree if it's ok with DB to work in dude mode then if she will talk about it that is.

[Micki_Finn]

You’re not missing much tbh. Retail is pretty miserable. It’s less “playing dress-up with customers” all day and more “getting yelled at by strangers for no reason”.

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My suggestion is merely to stay out later to get your wife's attention. If she isn't open to discussion then I would feel a lack of love and well-being for me and our relationship.

You mean like how Steffi wasn’t open to discussion BEFORE she went out and got a job behind her wife’s back?