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Thread: My wife said emphatically no!

  1. #1
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    My wife said emphatically no!

    Please excuse me for the delay in posting an update, but I’ve been very busy the past couple of days, but not crossdressing.

    Tuesday, I told my wife about the job offer at Lane Bryant. And asked her if she would “give me permission” to do it. She said emphatically no.

    She also said, “If you do take the job, don’t bother coming home.”

    We didn’t even get to the discussion part, about pros and cons. I was not able to tell her that:

    1. It would get me out of the house.
    2. It would give me something to do.
    3. It would bring in some cash, but not very much.
    4. It would exercise a different part of my brain, which is probably the first thing experts say that will eliminate or postpone dementia.
    5. It would make me very happy, and she has said that she thinks I’m depressed about the search for a job in my engineering field (and I am depressed, but not clinically, from time to time).

    In retrospect, I probably never had much of a chance of her acceptance, this in spite of the fact that several people I told in the RW were very accepting.

    I’m not sure what the difference between being dressed as a girl in a bar versus being dressed as a girl in a retail shop, except that drinking is involved in one of them.

    I’m not sure what the difference between buying a dress in a retail shop versus selling a dress in a shop.

    I actually considered Option 2, that is not coming home, but it’s not the right time.

    But I am starting to wonder if I can or should continue living this way in a DADT relationship. As many have said, we only have one life to live, and we should live it as we desire. I’m getting along in years, and it’s clear that my wife’s attitude is not going to change. I’m starting to wonder if I should Teresa’s approach to living as a girl more often.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

    Gender fluid (adj.) - Describes a person whose gender identity is not fixed. A person who is gender fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel [more] like one gender some days, and [more like] another gender other days.

    Ref: https://www.lgbthealtheducation.org/wp-content/uploads/LGBT-Glossary_March2016.pdf

  2. #2
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Well you got your answer.
    I would like to hear what her actual reasons for saying no was.
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  3. #3
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    I wonder if it had gone better if you had discussed it before you went out and found a job to dress at.

  4. #4
    Seňora Member
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    Well you did put the cart before the horse.

    And the horse is not happy about it.

  5. #5
    Member kimberly c's Avatar
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    We're you really surprised by her answer. You should have started this process by asking her first.

  6. #6
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Could we say its another case of a CD doing their best to mess up a relationship?
    We all said you should have asked first but my guess is you didn't find her input important enough.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.
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  7. #7
    Aspiring Member Joan_CD's Avatar
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    I’m sorry this happened to you, but in all honesty I feel badly for the LB personnel that spent their time interviewing and discussing you as a candidate. I’m wondering if someone else was given a rejection letter as a result. Best of luck with your wife.

  8. #8
    Member Joyce Swindell's Avatar
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    Personally my opinion is to call her bluff. As long as you've been married is it all worth her giving you up over the clothes you wear?

  9. #9
    I ♥ pink! AndreaCalifCD's Avatar
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    The way things are going, the job at LB might not be around for long anyway?
    Two local(ish) to me have closed of the past few years.
    Wouldn't surprise me if they go the way of Dressbarn as well...
    Last edited by AndreaCalifCD; 09-13-2019 at 01:07 PM.

  10. #10
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    Im sorry it's come to this.... I would be quite angry though if Sam came home and told me he got a job offer while being dressed without telling me beforehand that he was contemplating doing that.. and Im usually supportive of his dressing to begin with....

    So maybe it's not that you would be dressed while at the job but because you didn't discuss with her beforehand as others have said? Good Luck! Hope it works out whatever you choose...

  11. #11
    Senior Member NancySue's Avatar
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    I’m sorry to hear of your dilemma and agree with bits and pieces of other posts. In my post, I suggested you never “assume” anything until the deal is done...final. Not to be viewed as taking sides, however this whole episode, pros and cons, should have been discussed with your wife before moving forward. Most of us, male or female do not appreciate being “blindsided” and the dishonesty that usually accompanies it. This, not the dressing, could be the real issue. With her response, I sense you’ve got a big mountain to climb. Good luck.

  12. #12
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Steffi,
    I can't rub salt in the wound , it was a brave attempt to step out in the RW , so sorry with the outcome .

    I'm not sure if you realise the big difference between going out occasionally for a social drink and stepping out full time to hold down a job .

    So I guess now you've taken a big step back with your wife , maybe it's time to let the dust settle , perhaps even a gentle conversation won't go down well at the moment .

    I can only speak now from my own experience but somehow you have to know if you have taken a step too far , as I found once the damage is done there is no going back , it could well be finding workable compromises but as I found they were one sided . You have to really decide which direction you want your road to go , how much is the dream or dysphoria driving you ? Again from my own experiences I knew I couldn't backpedal , as I'm sure you're aware separation had to happen she couldn't live with my TG needs and I couldn't live without them . Now the dust is beginning to settle we are both happier and I might add I have lost very little in the process . My biggest problem has been deciding what to believe from my wife but now I have full control of my life and she doesn't .
    The real me ,no going back.

  13. #13
    Silver Fox Sheren Kelly's Avatar
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    Now I know I made the right decision to never marry.
    As an adult, I could never accept having to "ask for permission" to do something that I wanted to.
    Warmly,
    Sheren Kelly

  14. #14
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Sheren,
    It's all swings and roundabouts ! I wouldn't change those years of my life for anything ! I have no regrets .
    The real me ,no going back.

  15. #15
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Joyce Swindell View Post
    Personally my opinion is to call her bluff. As long as you've been married is it all worth her giving you up over the clothes you wear?
    I disagree, Joyce. There seems to be more to the entire situation than "clothes". Secrecy and lack of communication seems to play into this.

    Steffi, Do you think your wife would be comfortable with the job if you worked in "man mode"? Was it a "requirement" that you work cross dressed? Or do they want you, as a person. I realize that it was exciting to you to think you could work dressed as a woman but in reality, work is work.
    Last edited by char GG; 09-13-2019 at 02:58 PM.

  16. #16
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    In the words of the late great laurel and Hardy "That's another fine mess I have got into" I think the time to talk of your intention was before you went down the road of interviews, behind her back all the way now your good wife could be thinking what other secrets are you holding back? withdrawing from the job could have an impact on how LB look at future TG/CD people. Sure it was a great success to get the job but I think you have dug a bit of a hole for yourself, how you get yourself out of this I have no idea at all I only hope you will be able take the job offer up it would be a huge boost for our community all round.
    good luck let us know how the "talk" goes.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  17. #17
    Silver Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Steffi, I am sorry to hear that the talk, however long it was, did not go well at all. I think it is a good point made by Char about doing the job dressed as a male if that is possible.
    Crissy

  18. #18
    Member Joyce Swindell's Avatar
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    My suggestion is merely to stay out later to get your wife's attention. If she isn't open to discussion then I would feel a lack of love and well-being for me and our relationship.

    Sometimes people need a little "jolt" as in we don't realize what we miss until it's gone. Love isn't something we say, it's something we do.
    We are all human, we all make mistakes. Stephanie now knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she made a mistake in following the DADT rules.

    How deeply does she love you and your relationship?

    I agree if it's ok with DB to work in dude mode then if she will talk about it that is.

  19. #19
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    You’re not missing much tbh. Retail is pretty miserable. It’s less “playing dress-up with customers” all day and more “getting yelled at by strangers for no reason”.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Joyce Swindell View Post
    My suggestion is merely to stay out later to get your wife's attention. If she isn't open to discussion then I would feel a lack of love and well-being for me and our relationship.
    You mean like how Steffi wasn’t open to discussion BEFORE she went out and got a job behind her wife’s back?

  20. #20
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    Well you have your answer, don't think anyone is surprised.

    According to you if she said no that would be it.

    It doesn't matter what, she gave her answer.

    Working as a woman means you are basically full time. That alone should be a big problem for your non accepting wife.

    I am sorry , I know the pain of having your dreams crushed.

    Maybe it is time to settle things. See what you each want and can live with.

    I hope it works out for you two.

  21. #21
    Aspiring Shopaholic BTWimRobin's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Maybe you can do it in guy mode.
    - Robin


    Because life is too short not to.

  22. #22
    Senior Member Tracy Irving's Avatar
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    You probably aren't surprised by your wife's response as I chronicled in your "yes, yes, yes" thread.

  23. #23
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Steffi,
    I can't rub salt in th wound , it was a brave attempt to step out in the RW , so sorry with the outcome .
    Sorry... Which "real world" would that be? The one where deception, in pursuit of our selfish ends is effective? Please...
    Stef, I don't mean to be unkind. I was rooting for success, truly, but I also saw this coming. I won't say that the outcome would have been an different had you been open from the start. It probably wouldn't, but you'd have had a better chance than hiding it until the last minute. Relationships require trust. That something that must be built, over time, like a bank account. You seem to have made an overdraught.

  24. #24
    Seasoned Member Rhonda Darling's Avatar
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    Steffi:

    First, an adult asking permission from someone who does not respect them seem loke folly. Your wife hates your crossdressing, and may well hate you when you do it. That said, she is very unlikely to tell anyone because that would reveal that she has stayed married to a crossdresser, which would embarass her to death.

    Have you considered what the real consequences would be if you told her you were going to accept the job, and that you were going to dress at home, including makeup, wig, forms, the whole nine yards, and slowly leave the house every day in full view . . . . and if she has a problem with your doing that, then you are agreeable to a less drastic approach than that, but only if she withdraws the threat about YOU not bothering to come home, and further agrees to shut up and sit down. It’s your home, too, and your life.

    Is there any joy between the two of you any more? If not, why do you let her control you? What is the point? Tell her this is you, and you’re not leaving!

    YMMV. I wish there was some way to really help you. My heart is heavy because of your pain.
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    Be all the woman that you can be!
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    . . . and now, On With The Show!

  25. #25
    Goddess-In-Training Macey's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you Stef, and I just can't compute.

    Are you and your wife determined to make each other cosmically unhappy? Can you and she not find common ground with each other? I'm not speaking about the job specifically or the solely the crossdressing.
    Too much mascara is almost enough.

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