Want to tell son about me dressing want advice

[susanmichelle]

My son just turned 45 first of September and I know his mother has said something to him he’s made a few homophobic remarks about it over the years. My first wife found out about me they my second wife that started the whole thing. I was mickeyed one night by her and her sister and dressed from head to toe taking pictures the whole bit. At any rate I’ve been dressing since not sure if there was underlying issues but have been to two different shrinks over it and they both said it was her trying to control me by taking away my manhood it was always fights with her and myself over her drinking and she would get mean hit me abuse the kids verbally etc. At any rate we divorce I remarried abot 6 years later for my third and final time but we eventually got divorced according to her over dressing issues but she knew from day one we’d discussed it in detail and she even told her 3 kids about me. They were cool with it. Anyway to the point now my son from my first marriage knew nothing about my past after myself and his mother divorced she died 10 years ago from drug and alcohol related disease. He ended up on drugs too almost died a few years back from overdosing and I took care of him for about 6 months then he disappeared got back on drugs and was out of contact with me for a ER three years. I’ve gotten back involved with him and really want to have as good a relationship as we can but I have to be honest with him and myself so we can either go on with our relationship or end it before we get too close again and hurt each other beyond repair. He’s opened up to one point in he said he was molested by more than one of his step cousins raping him several times growing up I knew nothing about. I can relate to it somewhat by the mental abuse my second wife put on me. Could this be a point of discussion, I’m not sure. I really understand and feel for him in the respect of what he encountered I just want to if we can come to terms with me being a cross dresser he’ll anymore maybe transgendered due to my hormones being out of whack so much for years don’t have any hair on body including face haven shaved even face for over two years now. Also not I’m 67 years old now too I even had hormone injections for over 6 months with no effects my levels are extremely low. Sorry for long winded post and hope it all makes sense just want to make the correct decisions about myself and son if it’s not too late already. I’m looking more and more gem as time goes on naturally anyway.

[Tanya silk stocking]

Personally think your son has enough on his plate at the moment and needs to build his life up

[TerryWa]

Your wanting to share this aspect of cross-dressing with your son may hinge upon why you cross-dress in the first place. If you are role-playing as a woman to enhance intimacy in the bedroom, then it is really no business to others what two consenting adults do behind closed doors. However, you seem concerned that others may divulge your 'secret' to your son before you do. You appear to be striving to find a confidant and, as yet, have not found one you can truly trust - including your former wives. If you risk divulging to your son, you must be prepared for the consequences.

[Tracii G]

Yeah I don't see what benefit he would get from one more thing he has to deal with.
You are wanting to tell him for you and not giving his well being any thought IMO.
If he were to find out and confront you admit to it and tell him you were only thinking of him by not adding to his problems by telling him.

[Joyce Swindell]

He's faced waaaay more serious things in his life. He is an adult. It really comes down to what his feelings are towards the trans community. If he understands the community or is at least willing to listen then you have no issues. If he's hard core against it then there's your answer.... don't get closer.
Bottom line is we all have only ourselves to answer for.

[Teresa]

Susan,
The first question you need to answer yourself is how bad is your dysphoria , how desparate are you to go full time . The point I'm making is be honest with yourself first , do what you need to do to be comfortable with yourself . Once that happens it becomes a whole lot easier dealing with other people . From your thread I understand you can't blame your son's problems on your TG issues , so you have no guilt to deal with . I feel personally you son will deal with your situation if you are totally honest , it won't stop you helping him deal with his problems , it could even bring you closer .

I could relate how I came out to my son and the situation now but he's not fighting the issues your son is . My problem is how the grandsons might react .

Like most parents we can only do our best , we have to console ourselves by saying they are grown adults , old enough to make their own decisions , we can't live their life for them all we can do is try and be their for them should they need us . I'm afraid it's a case of sort your life but make it clear your door is always open .

[Bobbi46]

If there is no need to tell him DON'T you could lose him again.
I have pondered over this very fact for years now, after my first divorce I lost contact with both of my kids for the next 20 years or so finally divorcing for the second time I managed to reconnect with both of them and out of the two of them I am closer to my daughter, I live here in France both of them live in England, both now with grown up kids of their own.
The thing is do I tell them because of not wanting to keep my femme life a secret from them? the answer comes back the same every time I think about and it still is the same NO
Why, basically the risks are too high, losing them again because they could not understand or come to terms with my life is too great a risk.
Which brings me back to the beginning, if there is no reason to tell other than self gratification then my advice is DO NOT TELL the risk in your case is huge, bond a greater strength with your son and keep hold of him, it sounds as though he has had a whole bucket of strife to deal with in his life, if I was youIi would not rock the boat at this stage.

[char GG]

Personally think your son has enough on his plate at the moment and needs to build his life up

Yeah I don't see what benefit he would get from one more thing he has to deal with.
You are wanting to tell him for you and not giving his well being any thought IMO.
If he were to find out and confront you admit to it and tell him you were only thinking of him by not adding to his problems by telling him.

I tend to agree with Tracii,Tanya, and others here. It sounds to me like your son may be in a fragile state dealing with his own problems. I really can't see anything useful coming out of telling him about you unless there is some reason (like... does he live with you?) that he absolutely needs to know.

Of course, this is your decision to make. However, once you tell him, you can't take the words back if it causes him any more anguish than he already deals with. Again, just my opinion, I feel like it may be selfish to tell him anything more about you than he already knows.

[susanmichelle]

I am reading and listening to everyone’s advice . One of the reasons I would prefer to let him know is he just stops in a lot no calls or whatever and I feel it would. E worse for him to see and not totally understand the reasoning behind me too. But I’m not doing anything yet like I said listening to you alls comments advice and experience of your own lives

[Tracii G]

Why make things worse than they already are is the way I look at it.
Making things worse by telling seems to be commonplace in the CD world.
I know there is a strong urge to tell everyone you know but its not always a good idea.

[marshalynn]

I would tell my son, come over and visit any time you wish, but call ahead of time out of respect for me, I may need a little time to get ready for a visit. Marshalynn

[Jean 103]

Pop ins are a big problem when you are in the closet.

You are going to need some ground rules.

With his past you being TG could be a trigger. Please be careful.

[Pumped]

I would not tell him, asking him for a phone call before he comes over is simply a courteous thing to do. Also, with his history you can not be certain how stable he is. He might fall back into drugs and you never know who he might tell or how he will handle it. Too soon, to unstable right now. I am not sure how i would handle the relationship at all! With all the negative history I would have a tough time with simple, normal day to day stuff.

I have a nephew that I have pretty much stopped relating. In the past he would never contact me unless he wanted something from me, cash, free labor for car repairs, what ever. I tried in the past to include him but have been burned so many times I gave up. My dad keeps trying to get a connection started again, but it is still the same old B.S., he needs his car repaired or something. Never just an invite for lunch.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Unless there is a pressing need for him to know (i.e. you are going fulltime), there is no need to tell him. Also, he may not like gay or trans people, but everyone has a right to their opinion, and it is unlikely you will change his mind.

Tell him if he wants to come over he must call first, or you just won't open the door. Setting boundaries with loved ones is a good thing, especially with the way he chooses to cope with his problems and the collateral damage it causes others.

[Aunt Kelly]

This sounds like a minefield of emotional issues. You both have issues that you must work on alone before you should consider tackling the one that might lie between you. I am NOT saying don't do it. Just saying that you want both of you to be strong when you do. Get help. It will be the surest path towards that which so rightly want.

[Kelly DeWinter]

If you talk to him, its more about "How" you talk to him. He has opened up about a very serious traumatic crime against him that occured over long period of time. He may really need a listener right now, someone he can confide in. I think listening to his problems and being a friend and a dad for a year or two will go a long way to establishing a solid friendship. Then you can ease in with your life and what is going on with you. The hardest part of being a parent is putting your kids needs over your own.
Give it time and you will both find what you need.

[susanmichelle]

I have read and reread all the advice given and want to sincerely thank each and everyone for their replies and advice. I have decided to listen to what you all have suggested and I have tried to be open with my son and listen to his problems as well. I guess one of the issues was him living so close and just stopping in without calling. I suggested to him that sometimes I’m sleeping and may not hear the door when he’s knocking and to some point it might be working somewhat .

I’ve decided to just let things ride the way they are and if I’m caught somewhere along the way just try to make the best of that situation as it comes up. I do dress more often in the cooler months and will be out and about more soon especially since I almost always get invited to Halloween parties and dress for the event and sometimes go to the extreme with jell nails and so on. The nice thing is hair since mine is all natural and natural blond. Have always worn it longer and it’s way below my shoulders and usually in a ponytail. I’ll just take things one day at a time and work as much in talking about his issues until the big day comes and pray it goes well. Again thank you all you wonderful ladies in this group for the great advice and knowledge you’ve gone thru more than myself.

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I have read and reread all the advice given and want to sincerely thank each and everyone for their replies and advice. I have decided to listen to what you all have suggested and I have tried to be open with my son and listen to his problems as well. I guess one of the issues was him living so close and just stopping in without calling. I suggested to him that sometimes I?m sleeping and may not hear the door when he?s knocking and to some point it might be working somewhat .

I?ve decided to just let things ride the way they are and if I?m caught somewhere along the way just try to make the best of that situation as it comes up. I do dress more often in the cooler months and will be out and about more soon especially since I almost always get invited to Halloween parties and dress for the event and sometimes go to the extreme with jell nails and so on. The nice thing is hair since mine is all natural and natural blond. Have always worn it longer and it?s way below my shoulders and usually in a ponytail. I?ll just take things one day at a time and work as much in talking about his issues until the big day comes and pray it goes well. Again thank you all you wonderful ladies in this group for the great advice and knowledge you?ve gone thru more than myself.

[docrobbysherry]

Susan, don't get "caught" by your son. U both have have WAY too many issues to deal with as is!

He doesn't live with u so just keep your door locked when u dress. End of that problem!

Many crossdressers out themselves at Halloween by presenting carefully as a woman. When if u dress in a female costume instead, people will be unsure!

[Judy-Somthing]

I didn't tell my son, I told my 22 year old daughter and the same day she told my 25 year old son and he said his fedish is bigger than mine .

I'm curious what it is.