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Thread: Should I be jealous; I'm not sure

  1. #1
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Should I be jealous; I'm not sure

    I was at a local GNO meetup last Friday.

    One friend who I originally met here showed me her new driver's license with a femme pic and F gender marker.

    Another friend who I originally met here is planning to start HRT.

    A third friend was rocking her recent BA.

    Another friend moved out of state and used the opportunity to go full time and start HRT, with her wife's permission.

    Several other friends are now playing for the other team.

    Me, status quo, still a CD with a tolerating but non-accepting wife.

    So, I'm doing a self assessment. Who am I? Who do I want to be?

    Am I jealous of all these girls going femme?

    Am I stuck in neutral to avoid further confrontation withe my wife?

    Or, will I be happy being a part-time CD/TG? Forever?

    I'm not really sure how to begin said self assessment?

    Any advice?
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  2. #2
    Banned Spammer
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    Its not a competition and your situation could be completely different from all the others.
    If you are not sure then don't make any moves you may regret.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 09-25-2019 at 12:33 AM.

  3. #3
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    Are you happy? If so what others do may not be important.

  4. #4
    Goddess-In-Training Macey's Avatar
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    Might be time to talk with a therapist. Just o help sort things out a bit.
    Too much mascara is almost enough.

    Contact me on MeWe mewe.com/i/maceyg

  5. #5
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Yes! Answer the questions you posted honestly. Then, do what is necessary!

    Be that:
    Get a therapist to help u
    Make arrangement with wife.
    Get a divorce
    Become a woman
    Or, live happily ever after as a CD!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  6. #6
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    Are you happy?
    If so, then stop worrying.

    If not, what will make you happy?
    Start working towards making it happen.

  7. #7
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Sit tight, if you are not sure what you want don't do anything until you come to a rock solid solution. It really comes down to what you want from life, if what you want is unatainable because of your domestic situation then let sleeping dogs lie rather than pushing a situation and ending up with a whole pile of marriage grief.
    Some people one can never change their stance on something, without talking to your wife in greater depth you will not know whether you bounderies can be bigger than now or the status remains as you are now.
    I think talking is the essence here, try and find what your wife really feels about your CD needs and if there is any wriggle room, good luck with all of this.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  8. #8
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    See a therapist familiar with gender issues?

    What could you gain by transitioning? What life goals do you have after transitioning?

    In my case, I think I've gotten where I need to be without surgery or HRT.
    Last edited by Maid_Marion; 09-25-2019 at 06:01 AM.

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member NancyJ's Avatar
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    Steffi, It’s so hard. I think what you are describing is envy, actually, and envy is a really tough and destructive emotion. It eats away at us, gets us longing for things that others have rather than valuing what we have in our own lives. I find myself doing it all the time. I’m not sure that you can stop it entirely, or that it’d be good t suppress it. Maybe instead just own it and understand it. When I get to fantasizing about transitioning and living my life as a woman, eventually I come back to the reality of why I‘ve chosen not to do so. I’m not leaving my marriage, risking my relationship with my kids and grandkids. It’s okay to be happy for your friends, and sometimes wish for what they have. Of course ultimately only you are responsible for who you are and who you become. (I would have been jealous, or filled with envy, at that meeting too.) Nancy
    Last edited by NancyJ; 09-25-2019 at 05:56 AM.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Steffi, You sound like a kid in a candy store, I like that one, I want one of those, and I can totally understand how you feel. I think many of us had we been at your GNO last Friday would feel the same. I think it comes down to what you want on the home front, if your wife refuses to talk about this then you have to choose to do nothing or maybe consider moving on in life without her. You may also still be feeling the sting of her saying no to the LB job.
    Step back, weigh everything, and make a choice. I wish you luck as it could be a difficult situation
    Crissy

  11. #11
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Thanks. I knew that I'd get some great advice here.

    There is an old expression, "(S)he who has the most toys when (s)he dies wins. I can understand that thought, but realize that it is a very poor value statement. You don't win anything by having the most toys. What is really of value is the relationships we have with our family, other people and our community. We will be judged on whether or nor we were a good person, a "mensch" in Yiddish.

    I should be happy for my friends, and for them achieving (some) of their goals.

    If one were to think of "toys" as femme "parts" or femme experiences, one could see how "getting the most toys" could be confused with accomplishments.

    It's also important to keep things in perspective. I think what I would really like are "Air Partons", and analogy to Air Jordan sneakers. I'd like to be able to pump up the air Parton breasts when I want them, and let the air out when I don't want them, which would be most of the time. Just because I have several friends who flaunt their new "girls", doesn't mean that I should get them just to flaunt them. The upgrade from tennis socks to silicone was well worth the price. I'm not so sure about a BA. and if I were to get them, I would have to own them every day, not just on GNOs.

    I think I need to have "The Talk v3" with my wife and see if I we can loosen the boundaries, giving Steffi more girl time.

    I do have a gender therapist who I really like. Maybe I should go back to seeing her.

    And lastly, it's good to know that others of you would have been jealous (or full of envy) whatever the correct term is. It means that I'm not totally crazy (yet).
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  12. #12
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    Steffi,
    Set aside your DADT situation what are your true needs ? Are you happy with your situation ? If not what would be your goal be, how far do you want to go ? Your TG friends have all made their decisions but it is their lives not yours , besides they may not be totally happy and may backtrack on some of their choices . The other point is in the US especially is how deep are their pockets ? They may have waited a long time to take those steps .

    I have gone full time and now living comfortably without hormones , BA or official name changes , I know many on hormones, I know some with name changes but I can't say their lives are any different to mine .

  13. #13
    Senior Member JocelynJames's Avatar
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    I normally give no advice as we?re all different but take all those things out of the equation. Were you considering them seriously before? I?ve seen couples go through divorce because friends of there?s did. I don?t think the grass is greener where the Joneses live.
    If you only knew the power of the pink fog! ~Joss

  14. #14
    Banned Spammer
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    NancyJ's post #9 says it all right there and I agree with her.
    Envy does a lot of harm to people.

  15. #15
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    Your list is a rather shallow analysis of their lives. I'm sure not all is rosy with all of them. Perhaps you're dwelling on the known "positive" aspects of their lives and not any of the unknown negatives. I suspect you're experiencing a lot of self generated angst because of the relationship you have with your wife as it relates to dressing.

  16. #16
    Junior Member Paige Winslow's Avatar
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    Try having someone read the options to you, one-by-one. Then watch how you respond to each.
    They used to do this in one of the groups therapies I belonged to. Inevitably, somebody would break out into a big smile on one of the options.
    Good luck,
    Paige

  17. #17
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
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    Envy doesn't have to be bad. Sure if you compare your storm cloud to everyone else's rainbow it can be bad, but perhaps you can see the other rainbows and maybe make similar rainbows for yourself to some of the ones that really catch your soul.

  18. #18
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    Have you ever talked with your wife about why she tolerates your dressing, but can't be accepting? The differences can be substantial, and it may well help you make some decisions.

  19. #19
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    I have talked with her. In short, I don't think she knows why she hates it any more than I know why I love it.

    I think the best answer I got besides, "I just don't", is that men, especially her husband, should be men, not women.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  20. #20
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Steffi, I think that is the same as my wife, we are also in a DADT marriage. It is always easy to look at others and think they are doing so much better but we really just never know.
    Crissy

  21. #21
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    I have a CD friend who knows someone who transitioned years ago. This woman recently told my friend that if she could have lived the public part-time life that we can, she may not have transitioned at all. While everyone is of course different, we are indeed very fortunate to live in a [generally] more tolerant society that affords us the freedom to happily sail along as we wish. For marriages...you are on your own there!

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi View Post
    I have talked with her. In short, I don't think she knows why she hates it any more than I know why I love it.
    I think the best answer I got besides, "I just don't", is that men, especially her husband, should be men, not women.
    I'm in the same boat, although, some of my wife's experiences before I met her weigh heavily on her. I know what has shaped her thoughts, and, I know I will never will be able to break through. As it stands, if she were to tell me today to be en femme in front of her I couldn't do it. I do think a wife should do some self reflecting and try to figure out how her feelings are negatively affecting her husband and her marriage. Decades ago after "The Talk" my wife came to realize I am still the guy she married. She did not want any part of her husband emulating a woman. That's the rub. Up to a point she was alright with incorporating lingerie on me (nighties and hosiery) into bedroom play. However, when it became apparent there was more to it she was turned off. She did say it was alright with her if I found a support group. I looked, but, back in 1983 there was none in my area. I've mellowed out over the years and do not climb the walls, but, I don't know what the future holds either.

    You may want to have "The Talk, vol. 3" and take the initiative to list all the reasons cited on this forum by others as to what their wives fear:

    1) Loss of friendship with church and neighbors and family
    2) Loss of employment
    3) The appearance of lesbian fantasies
    4) _______________(fill in the blank)

    All these lead to isolation of the woman. I've said many times many women fear the inference there is something wrong with the wife; "Why isn't she divorcing him? What wrong with HER?"

    I think you know your wife was going to hit the ceiling when you interviewed for a job working en femme. However, there are social groups in your geographic area. Perhaps, a reasonable accommodation can be negotiated.

  23. #23
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    People are more friendly since I've grown out my hair and been wearing decidedly feminine clothes. People hold the door for me. I think I look good and it gives me more confidence in social situations.

    Marion

  24. #24
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    Teresa is right you can socially transition without any help from the medical community, but that's a bit off topic.

    The big question is what do you want and what if anything are you willing to give up?

    Both are hard questions that only you can answer.

    We all know that your end run didn't work, and I do feel sorry for you.

    Going back to therapy maybe your best option for sorting this out for you. You know how others are, but this is your life and you are the one that has to live it. I do feel the job would have answered this for you.

  25. #25
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    I?d say answer the questions you just asked yourself.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

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