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Thread: The Mostly False Perception that Crossdressers are Gay

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member Lacy PJs's Avatar
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    The Mostly False Perception that Crossdressers are Gay

    It was hard to come up with a title for this thread because I fully realize that indeed, some crossdressers are gay but that certainly isn't the majority of us if we are to believe numerous studies & surveys on the subject. But still, that seems to be the immediate conclusion most people come to when they first learn of a person who crossdresses.

    Things are indeed changing in society today and there is a slow but growing acceptance of homosexuality as a legitimate lifestyle. That being said, there is still a seemingly large majority of people who are still in the non-tolerant/non-accepting camp. I wonder if this is why crossdressing is still not even close to an accepted lifestyle in our society?

    In a lot of the stories posted here, when a CD finally admits to his wife/SO that he is a crossdresser, in many cases, the first question is, "Are you gay?" In literature, it is usually the same way; crossdressers are portrayed as being gay. We seldom see a movie or read a story where the CD is 100% male except for the clothing he chooses to wear; it's almost always that he wants to be with another man and somehow dressing that way gets him closer to what he really wants.

    It seems to me that because there is still a large segment of our population that will not accept homosexuality, they won't accept CDs either because of this false notion. Given that, I'm not sure how we can change those perceptions unless it's just one person at a time. And in many cases, that starts with our spouse or SO.

    Anyone else have any thoughts on the subject?

    Lacy PJs

  2. #2
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    I feel like this post would have been super relevant like 15 years ago. I think we are much farther along to acceptance of gay and trans people than you think. Just look at the Emmys last night. Billy porter wins best actor, Ru Paul’s Drag Race won for best competition show or something like that. Sure there’s a large segment of people that don’t accept homosexuality. There’s also a large segment of people who don’t accept minorities still either, but that isn’t representative of society as a whole. You can’t jist look at individuals because there will always be outliers and extremists. You have to look at the culture as a whole, and as a whole we are much more enlightened than we were.

  3. #3
    Seňora Member Robertacd's Avatar
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    Simple minds believe that women look, dress, and act the way they do for the sole purpose of attracting a man.

    Therefore the only reason a man would dress like a woman is to attract men.

    Believe me, I have answered the "But wait? What? You are still atracted women? How does that work?" Question more than once.

  4. #4
    Carole carhill2mn's Avatar
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    It seems that a great many people cannot understand that we like to present and act like women without there being some sexual reason. I just like how I look and feel when I am wearing pretty clothes, shoes, jewelry and makeup. I also enjoy being treated as a lady!
    Hugs, Carole

  5. #5
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Lacy,
    I'm inclined to agree with Micki , it is a dated assumption . All the time I've been out in the RW not one person has asked the question or made the obvious camp gestures . As far a I can see the non-tolerant camp are in the minority .

    While I accept we all crossdress , I've never used that label and again no one has said , " Oh you're a crossdresser !" Being TG has become a more common way of life and lets not forget the number of F/M is a catching the M/F community up very rapidly , some clinics now have a 50-50 split , the point being M/F are possibly more obvious .

    Most people are intelligent enough to segregate the TG needs from homosexual needs , I thought it would pose me a problem when being out in the RW with other members of the TG community but the public just hasn't responded the way I feared . Personally I'm not gay but some of my TG friends are BI , I have light hearted banter with them but they know it's not my scene . ( As Mararet Thatcher famously said , " The lady is not for turning !" OK it was said with a totally different meaning but quite a relevant quote for me .)
    The real me ,no going back.

  6. #6
    Lisa Allisa's Avatar
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    First who cares what other people think. If someone thinks I'm gay and still accepts/tolerates me and they do not discriminate against me, no foul, no harm. If one moves about in the RW they must develop thick skin and realize change takes time, I believe this misconception will never be eradicated.
    "you are a strange species and there are many out there;shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you ,you are at your best when things are at their worst" ...[ Starman]
    It may of course be a bit disturbing to sense that one is really not so firmly anchored to the gender one was born into.

  7. #7
    Queen of Chinatown jennifer0918's Avatar
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    The question "wait you are still attracted to woman? How does that work?" I get that a lot from trans woman and younger cd's. Most cis woman are okay with it and understand it.

  8. #8
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I don?t believe that the spurious association with homosexuality or homophobia itself are the only obstacles to greater individual or societal tolerance of transgender people. I think many people just react negatively to things they don?t understand....as if somehow ?it? might rub off. Then there?s the reactionary element of society. Opposition to change...even tho ?we? have always existed, the reactionary element of society wishes that we would be invisible...something they could either ignore or deride, rather than acknowledge.

    re: “you’re attracted to women? How does that work?” I’ve had several conversations with gay men who just could not get it. Oddly, gay and cis women got it. Maybe its just a guy thing to not understand.

    Easy come, easy go;
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  9. #9
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    There is and will be for the foreseeable future the uninformed that will believe a crossdresser or whatever has to be gay? since coming out I have been asked that very question "are you gay" my reply each and every time has been "no" but along the way I have lost a friend who I thought would accept me as before but no his response was " I would rather you did not come to my house dressed" I am dressed every day! result? I don't go to his house and we are no longer friends, reinforced this last coffee morning when he could hardly bring himself to speak let alone look at me, his loss not mine.
    There will always be the non believers and non accepters those are the ones who we will never convert
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  10. #10
    Silver Member CynthiaD's Avatar
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    I’ve told this story before, but I think it’s worth repeating. There were two men that I knew were homosexual back in the small town where I grew up. One was extremely masculine, but made no secret of his homosexuality. He often talked about the men he wanted to have sex with. He was accepted as just one of the guys. The other was somewhat effeminate, and was the subject of constant derision.

    I also remember gay men, near the beginning of the gay movement, saying over and over, “We don’t want to be women ...”

    It makes me wonder if homosexuality was ever the real issue. Perhaps it was the idea of crossing gender lines that was always the issue. Of course I’m exaggerating to make a point, but it explains why the public finds it easier to accept the gay lifestyle than it does to accept us. Just thinking.

  11. #11
    Gold Member Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    That perception is most likely never going to change. It?s part of how many see us and like has been said who cares
    Also if Ru Paul?s show was a winner last night well hate to break it to you but that will just reenforce that concept consider
    the majority on that show are most definitely gay. So no that show does us trans folk and straight CDs any favors
    We are who we are just get out there and be you no matter how you love

  12. #12
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    I think the problem is, when we were kids growing up, "Queers" or "Gays" were DEFINED to us as boys/Men "who thought they were women" or "Who wanted to be women", rather than the proper definition , men who were sexually attracted to other men.---A big difference, Many Adults STILL believe the kid's Definition, even today-----It's why us CD ers get confused with or accused of being "Gay" (Along with Transsexuals) . Indeed, Most Gays I know, are NOT turned on by women, or want to look like them.------Indeed, it is really hard to "understand" the few who DO dress like women, unless it's some sort of a "Strategy" to attract partners.-----I think that what the DRIVES to CD are may not be related to sexuality at all, but something else. Escapism, identity or other personality factors.
    Last edited by MarinaTwelve200; 09-23-2019 at 05:43 PM.

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    Vespa Vixen AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    I am certain that most people I interact with would assume I am attracted to men (and also full time). Then again, the vast majority of CDs I have met claim to be bi.

  14. #14
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    Everyone seems to see things thru their own lens made of of personal experiences. A lot of that has to do with where one lives but it still boils down to personal experiences. West Hollywood is much different than West Ohio yet any two of us could live in the same town and have completely different experiences, good or bad. As a result, we might come up with different conclusions.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  15. #15
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Rachel, I was actually addressing the OPs entire second paragraph which was about acceptance of homosexuality in general, and a TV show depicting homosexual men winning a major award is quite relevant as a marker of societal acceptance, which was my entire point.

  16. #16
    Gold Member Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Micki_Finn View Post
    Rachel, I was actually addressing the OPs entire second paragraph which was about acceptance of homosexuality in general, and a TV show depicting homosexual men winning a major award is quite relevant as a marker of societal acceptance, which was my entire point.
    I hardly think a Hollywood awards show giving an award to a show that many would find offensive including some in the trans community will help mainstream our community in anyway
    We will have to agree to disagree here
    Last edited by char GG; 09-28-2019 at 03:53 PM. Reason: political comment

  17. #17
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Of all the gay people I know personally and associate with I am the only one that dresses or presents as female.
    I am talking about 75 to 80 people and all think I am the odd one.
    Gay men generally don't want to get into a relationship with a gay trans person because they want a guy not a guy that wants to look like a girl.
    They really don't understand the whole "trans" thing but are tolerant to me at least.

    P.S.
    Hollywood is not what it used to be and most people don't give a rats behind what actors think these days.
    Of course Hollywood actors "think" they are so much better than the rest of us.
    That group is more messed up than the rest of society.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 09-23-2019 at 07:43 PM.
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  18. #18
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Jennifer,
    " Wait you are still attracted to women , how does that work ?"

    From my personal point of view I feel my male side is overlaid with my female side , I'm more comfortable with my female side but both sides feel attracted to women . There is no attraction at all to men . Since coming out full time I've had more hugs and kisses from women as Teresa , I can only assume some feel safe and not threatened and some are attracted to me but I can't truthfully answer as what . Do they still see the underlying male or or they attracted to me as a female , it doesn't concern me that much, I just enjoy that contact for whatever reason .

    Ressie may have a point but again I'm seeing differences in the replies between the US members and the UK members . What I am beginning to see is the same acceptance to the TG community as has happenend with the gay community .

    Angela,
    In the members of the TG groups I know the minority are BI , very few appear to be totally gay but then I find it's mainly the BI ones that talk about their preferences whereas the gay and straight members don't .
    The real me ,no going back.

  19. #19
    Junior Member Lacey86's Avatar
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    When I was in college (pretty conservative area) I think this was roughly 8 years ago. I took a health class that covered basic sexuality. The teacher included a question in a quiz, exam, and final exam. The question essentially said with multiple choice answers, the average crossdresser is...
    And the correct answer was hetero sexual men, and I believe it even said married, but I could be mistaken. One of the other 4 choices was always homosexual. This sparked a conversation in the class as the answer surprised a few people. And having it show up again on later exams ensured people would remember it. It was small but I really appreciated that I felt like I had some small acknowledgment, even though I'm not out. I wonder if the Prof knew a crossdresser or what prompted her to keep that question across 3 exams/quizzes. Either way I was glad she did as it sparked a conversation among people around me and the misconceptions that can be associated with crossdressing.

  20. #20
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Teresa the fact women give you hugs and such and why they don't feel threatened is "because" they assume you are gay.
    Its ingrained so deep in society they haven't let that way of thinking go.
    You may have said I am not gay but they may think no that can't be right he just won't admit it.
    I have been thru that more than a few times.
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  21. #21
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Tracii,
    I've never been asked the question but some of those contacts with women have come from ones that know my background as a husband and father . Again I do feel it shows a difference in thinking between out two countries , being TG does not equate to being gay , in fact it was interesting to read Lacey's comment #19 . The only problem I see is what some men are thinking when they won't make eye contact .
    The real me ,no going back.

  22. #22
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    The no eye contact thing I think is they are dealing with their own guilt.
    I have had that happen a few times.
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    Why would lesbians wear pretty clothes?

  24. #24
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robertacd View Post
    Simple minds believe that women look, dress, and act the way they do for the sole purpose of attracting a man.

    Therefore the only reason a man would dress like a woman is to attract men.

    Believe me, I have answered the "But wait? What? You are still atracted women? How does that work?" Question more than once.
    That's it, in a nutshell. There are still a lot of ignorant people out there. I do not mean to sound condescending, but it's a simple truth - they just don't know any better. Yes, it's changing, but by bit, but Caitlyn Jenner and Ru Paul have a lot more work to do before a real understanding of TG people is common.
    Well, somebody has to make up that base of the bell curve that defines "normal".
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  25. #25
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    The wife /SO thing is different. This is someone you entered into a contract with, not the same as the general public.

    Most people likely think I'm gay, except for those who know me. I have a boyfriend, he recently said to me, "you don't think of yourself as gay because you see yourself as a women?", Me "yes".

    I find that it is easier to just not address this and just live my life. If I'm the only CD/TG person that someone knows, (which isn't likely), for me to tell them that most are not gay, just doesn't sound true. I have but don't seem to get into these conversations anymore, as I'm not alone much anymore.

    Women hug and touch, this is something that for me took some getting used to. Some close guy friends will hug me too, as they all see me as a women. These are not random people, they are friends, they know me and I know them. Still there are some that will hug me on first meeting, I always let them make the first move.
    Last edited by Jean 103; 09-23-2019 at 10:57 PM.

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