Apologies for starting this. I'm not good with words, and I tend to ramble - so the point will get lost in translation, or something. I dunno. But there's something that's been troubling me so... er,
*takes deep breath*
Hello, my name's Gaz, and I'm a crossdresser. (Hello, Gaz!)
For over 30 years, I've struggled MASSIVELY with that. When I was a kid and trying on my sister's/mother's stuff, it was just goofing around, silly, dressup, who cares. But once I hit puberty and started thinking to myself "Holy crap, what does this actually SAY about me?" it became so much more. Worry. Shame. Guilt. Was I going to start liking boys now? Was I a weirdo? A freak or a deviant of some sort? And being a kid of the 1980s, it.. didn't really get better. And in those three decades since, l didn't get any better until about two weeks ago when I said... "Stop caring." And it... sort of worked. When my urge to dress comes, I don't repress or fight it. I don't walk around on eggshells with my wife now. I sat her down, cooked her an awesome dinner, and said "Look, I'm not gonna be ashamed of this any more" and she's been great. But I still need support, some approval, and the occasional reminder that... well, I'm not a weirdo/freak/deviant.
Which brings me to this.
I've been a member of this site for quite a few years, but don't post much. I wanted to get involved, but honestly its been intimidating. Not because the members here aren't by and large great, but more down to the fact that I've felt like I'm not in the same "ballpark" as everyone else. I was an inch away from disappearing again, when I saw GeorgeA's MIAD thread and it was an absolute revelation. Because... I don't identify with being "feminine" per se. I don't have any desire to pass. I have no desire to pretend to have breasts. Or shave my legs. Or my beard. Or leave the house wearing anything but a smile and maybe a pair of panties under my Carhartts.
But because of all that, I've never felt that I fit. This forum feels a lot more like its more geared towards trans women, people who are either living their lives 24/7 in female mode, or are seeking to go that way. And a few responses I've gotten or seen from some members made it seem like I was lying to myself somehow. That being a regular guy who likes to wear different clothes every now and again wasn't enough, that I should be out and proud. (I'm not going to name names, and please understand I'm not saying this to the forum overall)
It's a very weird feeling. To have society on the overall think I'm going too far because I'm crossdressing, but the crossdressing community thinking I'm not going far enough.
At the moment, there are 270 people looking at this forum. Of that 270, 12 are members myself included. The rest are guests - unregistered folks. Some of whom are bots, some of whom are POSSIBLY people hoping to see some inappropriate content, but I'll bet the vast majority are people looking for help and a bit of guidance. Men who might be living with the same shame and guilt I've dealt with and have nobody to talk to about it. Younger guys who have no idea what any of it means about them. TGs, TSs, CDs, MIADs, FTM, TVs, LGBT, BFFs, and a dozen other acronyms I've never heard of but are still bloody valid. To those guests who are reading this - you're not alone, you're not weird, and its all good. Keep reading, sign up and participate if you feel like it (but you don't have to!), and know that everyone's story is different - just because you read someone who has a marriage that ends because of this, it doesn't mean yours will. Just because someone's dressing revealed something about their sexuality doesn't mean yours will. Just because people now present publicly as a woman, doesn't mean you will. Just because someone's journey began with their sisters clothes and ended with them getting life-changing surgery doesn't mean yours will.
We're all different folks. Walk your path. Do it in work boots in public and heels in private if you want. Do it in heels forever if its what you need. Swerve the shoes completely if thats not your thing.
We're all different.