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  1. #1
    Curmudgeon Member donnalee's Avatar
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    Is there really a woman within?

    One of the more common concepts on this site is that of the "feminine side" of our personalities that we express when dressing. While this may be true for others, I've never felt that I've had one. My personality remains unchanged, although it may appear to others to have done so. I am just as likely to pick up a socket wrench as an eyebrow pencil (actually more likely as I gave up on makeup sometime back and actually prefer women who don't use it, or if they do, do so very lightly).
    I don't think we should necessarily invoke some sort of multiple personality as an excuse for a clothing preference. Mine is perverse enough to come up with that on it's own. All I know is that the level of comfort afforded by a full length silk skirt is it's own reward and needs no such excuse.
    ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!

    "The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)

  2. #2
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    DL I can sure relate to what you wrote. I have older vehicles, and have to work on them an awful lot, all my adult life. I am an abused man, from my extremely toxic family, and i am insane, at least much of me is, and an extremely sensitive depressive damaged misunderstood tortured soul. No love in this toxic world. Dressing is my artistic temporary escape from the living hell of my family and life. Not sure about the woman within. I tend to think like an abused man or woman.

  3. #3
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    I am the same donnalee. I believe my personality is the same, whatever I am wearing.

  4. #4
    Member CayleeMarie's Avatar
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    For me, I would not say that I have a woman within. There is definitely a female side to my personality. In an effort to help my wife, and the couple we have come out to, I use the analogy that I have an alter ego, and she is female. That helps to compartmentalize my dressing into something with a label that is easier to accept. In many ways it helps my wife accept this facet of my personality when I refer to my female persona as she or her and that she is only a small part of the complete me. I am very fortunate to have a wife and close friends that accept my dressing, and if using a second person pronoun helps to maintain that acceptance then I am more than willing to continue doing it.

  5. #5
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Caylee, I like your term of "alter ego". I think that is what i really have, too. Not really a woman.

  6. #6
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alice Torn View Post
    DL I can sure relate to what you wrote. I have older vehicles, and have to work on them an awful lot, all my adult life. I am an abused man, from my extremely toxic family, and i am insane, at least much of me is, and an extremely sensitive depressive damaged misunderstood tortured soul. No love in this toxic world. Dressing is my artistic temporary escape from the living hell of my family and life. Not sure about the woman within. I tend to think like an abused man or woman.
    If your family is abusive, there is no rule forcing you to stay. Why not remove yourself from said toxic situation?

  7. #7
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    Micki_Finn: Alice has said on numerous occasions that there is just her. But, to a large amount, she has accepted that.
    Pink is more than a color: its an attitude!

  8. #8
    Junior Member Jessifox85's Avatar
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    For myself, my look changes with the hair and make up. my shape changes with forms and pads. My walk changes with the shoes. The nails change how I touch. Ect. So of course my mind changes into its female self. The more I "transform", the more Jessi comes out. Its relative to how complete I am and how I see myself. When I am head to toe and I look in the mirror, my male self kind of fades away and the female takes over. So both male and female are both always there but my senses aid in the female comming out completely. In my mind though the female is there all the time though. I'll see a dress I like or something like that and think, oh that's pretty, or I like her make up for example. But it's not until I'm 100% dressed that the male fades away.

  9. #9
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    I wouldn't say "a woman within," but most definitely a feminine side that unleashes when I dress. It feels like a release when I do. My walk, talk and mannerisms assume definite feminine attributes and I love it. My perspective alters and on occasion even a shift in sexual orientation. (To the point I realize that I'm bi-sexual and probably always was, but never admitted it to myself.)
    Took me a long time to accept that my feminine side was not a sign of weakness which is what the environment I grew up in conditioned me to think.
    Actual gender is irrelevant. I enjoy it and that's it. I don't feel bad about it.

  10. #10
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    Hi Alice Torn. Realy sorry to hear about the pain in your life and sincerely hope you continue to find peace with this. I always find comfort within the pink fog.

    I find expressing my feminine side a beautiful contrast to my daily male role. I enjoy exploring this new opportunity.

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member NancyJ's Avatar
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    donnalee, I really do not think of myself as having a woman within, multiple genders, or taking on a different persona or personality when I dress. As I have written about elsewhere on this forum, my view is that gender, and transgender, is a continuum. Some people are, and feel, solidly male. I do not. I feel more female whether or not I am presenting as a man. The image you see in my avatar IS my self-image and I often am literally surprised (and frankly disappointed) to look in the mirror and see my male presentation staring back.

    For me, it is not that I somehow become somebody different when I dress. I am always the same person, always the same place on the gender continuum, just playing different roles and wearing different costumes. So, I have never liked or agreed with the terminology of feminine side or woman within. I just do not compartmentalize like that. Wearing women’s clothes, for me, is gender confirming. Nancy
    Last edited by NancyJ; 10-27-2019 at 05:52 PM.

  12. #12
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Nancy, I can relate with what you wrote. I think part of why i am this way, is my mom was smothering, and my dad was distant, and great troubles between my dad and i. I think i am a lot like my mom , but sometimes like my morose, angry dad, too

  13. #13
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Most definately there is with me.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  14. #14
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    My experience with dysphoria suggests it's not a "woman inside" or a "feminine aspect", but something more basic in my life. If I'm not engaged in something that takes my full attention or can't be seen as validating my internal view of womanhood, the dysphoria pops up. I've spent way too much time accommodating the dysphoria only to discover I've been playing a short game against a long term challenge.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  15. #15
    Princess Candice candykowal's Avatar
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    Oh, sure...a women within, though a relative term, defines that we all have a set of personality potentials that are part of our birthright, but that society labels as “feminine” and says he should suppress.
    I believe most of us here have made contact with these potentials and found their expression fulfilling.
    We integrate this into our whole personalities, and are able to smooth off some of the macho rough edges programmed by being brought up in a gender defined society.
    I for example was raised to embrace my feminine side as a coddled undeveloped baby boy that got well with hormone therapy and grew breasts before most girls my age.
    Whether Mom saw divine intervention or what, it was evident she saw the daughter she always wished for.
    Hence I was a girl in my mind very early in my life. I do believe my experience, beside having menstrual issue, living as a female and not transiting do to cost, had me wondering and exploring my male side later in life.
    Today, it's all about reminiscing about my childhood and longing to return to being my feminine self again.
    I'll always have the need to wear soft fabrics, smell nice and clean, cross my legs when sitting, and don jewelry.
    Feminine women were always a big influence throughout my life.
    Candice Coleen Kowal ....all my friends call me Candy!

  16. #16
    Junior Member Gaz's Avatar
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    *scratches beard thoughtfully*

    Nah, not me. As I stated in another thread, we're all different and we all have different motivations or triggers for this, from people who suffer from true gender dysphoria to guys who simply have a bit of a kink to them. For my own lot - I've felt the guilt and shame, coupled with the worry that even though I didn't feel these feminine feelings I've read about either emotionally or sexually, they'd appear at some point and throw myself into turmoil. 35 years and a spot of therapy later and they STILL haven't arrived, so the only conclusion I could draw was... I just view myself as a regular guy who from time to time has slightly different clothing preferences than "the norm." and that realization has been massively freeing for me.
    Bearded, hairy, beer-chugging, truck-drivin', wife lovin' manly man...
    ...sometimes in lingerie and heels, and occasionally a cute dress. MIAD 4 life!

  17. #17
    Silver Member Elizabeth G's Avatar
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    I wouldn't say my personality changes when I dress. I have some strong feminine aspects to my personality in general that are always there and dressing is an outward way for me to express them. I'm not using it as or looking for an excuse.

  18. #18
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    Only with SOME crossdressers. Since there is a WIDE variety of REASONS that express themselves in Cross-Dressing, Transsexualism, sadomasochism, escapism other things combinations of factors and varying degrees, we cannot say any one thing is common to all male crossdressers, except they are inclined to wear women's clothing.

  19. #19
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    The crossdressing behavior we all exhibit to some degree or other takes on many forms of expression and reaction. It seems to be the nature of the phenomenon. There is no right way or wrong way; there are just different ways and the behavior serves many different purposes. For me there is a definite shift that occurs in my thinking and that seems to generate the desire to express differently than the way of social expectations.

    But in reviewing the professional, peer reviewed literature on the subject, it appears that may be one way that some use, others achieve the feeling of femininity by dressing. In other words, the clothes trigger the feeling rather than the feeling triggering the dressing. Then there are others who dress in women's clothes but never really gain the feeling of "being a woman."

    Of course the feeling of being a woman is mostly an expression, a way to state what is felt. The fact is, nobody feels like a man or a woman - they feel like themselves. So the feeling like a woman is more of an interpretation of how one feels and with no other way to actually communicate the feelings in such a way that others can understand, the expression is generated. At least that is what some experts in this field believe is the case. In other words it is not a matter of simple cause and effect. It is a complex behavior where a person adapts their behavior and the feelings they have to express it in the terms of the society in which they live. In that sense, the behavior that we exhibit, is no different than the behavior that everybody exhibits. It is all a matter of adapting our personal, individual sense of self as generated by the interplay of physiology, genetics, and environmental influences. It is a style of expression that identifies a location, your location, on a vast and diverse spectrum of actually normal behaviors.

    In societies where the behavior we exhibit is perfectly acceptable the conflicts we experience as a result of living in a society that has a different view of sex and gender simply do not occur. People like us feel perfectly acceptable and are viewed as perfectly acceptable although different from the more "normal" people in that society and culture. If those gender variant people came here they would likely face the same conflicts many of us face. And they would be very puzzled about why being who they are is somehow not alright in the view of many.

    In my view, your personal perception of yourself and your reactions are normality for you. The problems that sometimes arise come from finding ways to adapt that feeling of self to a social context where it is not, at least at present, widely accepted by "normal" people - whatever "normal" might be relative to the social context. If your behavior serves a purpose in your life then it may be a behavior that allows some degree of adaptation to the society in which you live. Even though what you and others like you and like the rest of us who do this may seem out of whack with reality it most certainly is not. It is our way of adapting who we are personally to a society that avoids the need to deny yourself to fit. That denial never ends well. In short, you are fine. It is just a difficult adaptive behavior to implement. Fortunately, society is changing rapidly so people like us are viewed as more acceptable, even though different. But it may be a long time before people like us are accepted completely by all.

    So, is there really a woman within? No, there isn't. There is only you within and you are configured along the lines of the multitude of ways that human beings can be configured. My suggestion, is to enjoy being yourself and who you are, but do it wisely. You are just a part of the minority group the rest of us are a part of. Why? There are no firm answers, but it does appear to be a part of the vast and wonderful diversity that is a part of being human.

  20. #20
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    I find "no personality change" to be true with most of the CDs that I know in real life. It also seems to be true with the few transexuals that I've met. As far as a woman within, that's not the same as personality and it varies with each of us from zero-X%. That could be psychological, hormones or something else physical.

    With me, the thought and feeling of a woman within comes and goes. If my personality changes it's kind of just an act, or is it a part of me that wants to be expressed? Anyway, it's a good question to ponder.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  21. #21
    Senior Member Angela Marie's Avatar
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    Gender is a continuum; as is society's expectations of how a male or female should react, dress, or engage in specific activities (i.e. sports, "masculine" activities such as construction, etc.). That having been said there are emotional, and physiological differences between the sexes. I fall many times on the female side: and the dressings and mannerisms are a reflection of that.

  22. #22
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    Alter ego works for me too - a second self.
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  23. #23
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    For me the answer is yes

    It's complicated as I live like two lives. My work life and my personal life.

    Yes at all times I'm the same person, even though my behavior may be a little different. I have been told I think like a girl, I don't know what that means. I do get emotional.

    I'm out and not hiding, I have found that most everyone accepts me. A few years ago I was standing with a friend, we are in the middle of the room with our backs against the bar. A small town locals hangout. this is my home town, these people are my friends. Anyway my friend looks at me and says " you know we are the only normal people here". My friend is a machinist , normal guy. I'm me, in a dress and heels.

    Yesterday I worked construction during the day. I was working for a friend so I left my nails on. I normally don't as work trash's your nails. last night I took my roommate to the bar for the Halloween party. I made her a poodle skirt and my sexy nun costume.

    So worked all day with my nails that I had put on the day before, and lost one at the bar.

    My gay boyfriend who dumped me, we are still close friends. his sister is a costume designer, lives in LA, made him a beautiful wedding dress that he wore last night, full beard. Also another couple I know we're dressed alike. I don't know the characters but they were both in blue chiffon dress. He too has a full beard.

    These are close friends of mine. they are not like me, for them it is just a costume.
    Last edited by Jean 103; 10-27-2019 at 11:08 AM.

  24. #24
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    What an interesting discussion. Now, when a boy wanted so badly to be a girl, prayed every night to wake up as a girl, played with girls and girlish things, who wanted so badly to wear girls pretty things, who so envied girls long hair and curls, that would be me. So, is there really a woman (female) within, considering I fully dress every day as one, my answer would be, yes, I think so. Hmmmm.

  25. #25
    Senior Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    For me, I'd have to say "In my early days, yes there was a 'woman within.'" Nowadays, I'd have to say "not so much." Here's why I think it happened.

    At first, while I was still young, I tried being the typical male. I'd hang with the boys, do boy stuff, etc.

    Anything that I felt was feminine or girly I tried to bury, or at least hide away. Getting rid of it wasn't even a possibility. Those feelings, those (dare I say it?) needs were as much a part of me as my breath.

    The end result was that I was splitting myself in half. There was the male presentation that I showed to the outside world, and the female me that only came out in secret (such as some clothes hidden in an old abandoned house that was on the edge of collapsing - and something I'd "borrow" from my sister and hide under my pillow at night).

    The different sides seemed to me to be almost become two different people living in one body - and fighting for control.

    Eventually, I allowed the feminine feelings or urges to come out and be expressed. They have become blended back into the entirety of ME. There really is no more "He vs. She" in my existence any more. I now understand that I'm a little bit of both genders - and that's that.

    The only conflict I still have is that I still wish I could be seen (at least from time to time) as female - but for a number of reasons, that's totally off the table these days .

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