It's been more than 10 years since I have hung up my "wig" sort of speak. I used to be on HRT and was on my way to transition until reality hit and I couldn't accept losing my family or my job, so I quit. The woman in me still lied within, but I somehow managed to be happy until my marriage ended b/c my spouse cheated. I am honestly still reeling from the experience, but I thought this would be another opportunity to see if I want to go down that path. I honestly do not know whether I am a TS or just a CD. All I know is that I sometimes have a yearning to be accepted/seen as a woman and it definitely is not a sexual fetish. I honestly thought that this new experience would be satisfying and bring me happiness, but it actually has made more depressed b/c when I dress, I cannot see anything but a man in a dress. I live in the SF Bay area, one of the most liberal areas in the US. I am not afraid of being "clocked" per se b/c it's not like someone would beat me up or kill me if they found out. I am worried that a co-worker might see me though, so I mainly dress privately on my own. Regardless of whether I dress publicly or privately, I want to pass and I want to be seen as a woman and most importantly, I want to see the woman in me. When I transitioned 10 years ago, I was in my 20s, now I'm in my 30s so maybe things shifted around (skin, posture, etc) and maybe it's harder than it used to be...but I was able to feel beautiful and sexy and passable then, I can't anymore. I feel a bit ungrateful b/c to many on this forum, I might be considered to have hit the genetic lottery, I am Asian, 5'6, rather petite for western standards, but big IMO for eastern standards, and 150lbs. I am currently restricting my diet heavily to hopefully come down to 135lbs (my original weight when I started to transition), but I don't know if it'll happen or not. I am starting to think I'm forming an eating disorder. Whatever the case may be, I spent the last couple days reading threads about passability and it seems the general policy is that "I don't try to pass, I try to blend in". That's the thing I don't seem able to accept, I want to be able to pass and have normal interactions with my peers. I don't want to be the subject of gossip or side looks. I don't want to just blend in, to me, it basically means that I am accepting to just be average and that's something I'm struggling with. I went to get fitted for a wig the other day at a CD store and when the wig was placed on, I was so sad I started to cry. Instead of seeing a woman in the mirror, I saw an ugly man with a wig on. Thankfully, the shop owner was super nice and consoled me. She said that HRT would help, but I cannot be on HRT b/c of medical reasons. So I'm not sure what I will do to pass or even if I'll continue. Please help....maybe I'm not a TS, who knows?