Wife drops the hammer

[Gaz]

Just like YOU have high stress times that you get relief by cross dressing your wife has peak stress times too. Allow her to have them.

I do, and I am fine with it - to a point, of course. The difference is that when it gets past that point, I don’t refer to it as repellent, make it personal, or question her motives. That’s what infuriated me, and that was after weeks of taking time for spa visits, mani-pedis, binge watching Bachelor Australia (don’t ask!) nights out with the girls, and a weekend away.

When it comes to her work hours, they’re often by choice. Again, she’s a workaholic, and admits to having an inability to saying no to her boss. (Not to say her job doesn’t require more hours by default though, it most certainly does)

But point taken. In the heat of the moment, and prior to the after talk, I vented when she was behaving like the night before never happened. After a bit of time, and reading input from others, I'm taking a step back from the anger. She's asked for forgiveness, and I've given it of course, but forgetting it will take a little longer.

[SaraLin]

after weeks of taking time for spa visits, mani-pedis, binge watching Bachelor Australia (don?t ask!) nights out with the girls, and a weekend away.

I'm sure others are thinking it, but I'll come out and say it...

Are you SURE that there isn't something else going on - with her?

"working late", increased interest in personal grooming, girls' nights, weekends away, suddenly finding fault with (and personal attacks on) you, etc. etc. etc...

If it were me, I'd be worried.

just saying - It might not be your dressing that's the real issue... but I hope I'm way off base here

[Maid_Marion]

A common problem with any relationship is trying to balance individual time versus time spent together. CDs get lost in the pink fog and relationships suffer. Add a kid to the mix and you have a difficult situation.

[LingerieLuvr]

Honestly it sounds like she was just saying that she felt less attracted to you when you are dressed. It sounds like you are somewhat invested in your ?manhood? and were hurt by her words that you felt cut you to the core of who you are. She tried to stop your purge. I don?t think she?s saying she thinks less of you. So she isn?t attracted to you when you?re dressed, so what? Best case scenario is that you make a gorgeous woman, but she?s straight and not really into women. Worst case scenario is that you look completely ridiculous, and that?s why she?s not attracted to you when you?re dressed. She?s not the only one. My wife isn?t attracted to me when I?m dressed either. That doesn?t mean she loves or respects my any less.

As for the not trusting you thing, you admitted you had never purchased outerwear before. It?s logical for your wife to see you take that step and assume that your dressing had become something it never had been before, and in a way she was right. Why buy dresses bless you?re planning to go out in public right? She doesn?t know where your dressing will take you, and it?s already taking you to new places so of course the trust is going to be a little shaky.

I don?t know you personally, or your relationship, but my take is that you over-reacted. Your wife expressed her feelings, but because they were the bed-of-roses you were hoping for, you decided to punish her by making yourself miserable and making it clear to her that she was the cause of your misery. I think you need to revisit this conversation and do more listening than reacting. Honestly I think your wife just used a poor choice of words to express herself.

This is the most objective and realistic reply I've seen, and I agree 100% with the assessment.
Good comments, Micki!

[Bea_]

Suddenly last night though, it came out.

The sight of me in womens clothing was repellent to her. A massive turn off, and she admitted she viewed me as less of a man when doing so. And that despite all history with me pointing to the contrary, she is waiting for "the other shoe to drop" - because I didn't tell her about it immediately when we began dating (Took me several months to work up the courage) and therefore she can't trust me.

Before I make much of a comment, I'm curious just how accurate the quoted part of your original post is to the conversation. But, I'll say up front that I've heard similar things and the reaction I had was one of total rejection. If you ever told your wife that ANYTHING she did, the way she looked or the things she liked about herself was "repellent" and a "massive turn off" she'd feel totally rejected too.

I ask about the accuracy because I know that we tend to take much that's said to the worst interpretation rather than the actual words.

[ReineD]

Appreciate that, Reine. I have zero problems with her opinions, wants, or needs. I think what hurt was that it came out of nowhere - again, I don't dress around her, and the last time I'd even brought it up was several days prior to say that I'd felt the urges were subsiding again.

Things don't come out of nowhere though.

I'll give you an example from my own relationship. Last week my SO walked away from me in the middle of a conversation. I got really upset and told him so. He thought the conversation had been over. Just to let you know, my SO and I on the same page 99% of the time. We very rarely argue about anything! So we talked about it and as I was trying to explain why his walking away had bothered me so much (my reaction had been pretty strong for something seemingly so insignificant), I realized something that I had not been consciously aware of up until that minute. And this was that over the last year or so, I've been perceiving that he has wanted to spend less and less time with me. He's been spending a lot more time at work, or in his office downstairs, or when we're together he is buried in a book and he seems to resent it when I try to connect by commenting on things I'm reading on my laptop.

We did resolve it and I won't get into all the details, but it's just to show you that a reaction on my part that seemed to have come out of nowhere actually had been brewing, without me even being consciously aware of it, for about one year!

There just seems to be different rules for us - not specifically when it comes to dressing, but our marriage in general. When she takes time to herself its because she works hard and its needed; when I take time to myself I get questioned on why I don't want to do things as a family. When she says anything that's hurtful to me its because she's being honest, and marriages are built on honesty. If I say anything hurtful to her, it's because I'm being deliberately spiteful. I love her to the moon and back, but there's definitely an element of selfishness to her that's been crept in the past few years (and I'm not the only one who's noticed it.) Perhaps selfishness is too harsh - the inability to accept blame or be wrong is a bit closer to it, I think.

The balance of power between any husband and wife is never 50/50. In some areas, one person will always give more than the other, and in other areas this is reversed. The idea is that it should all work out over all. Yet, as human beings, most of us seem to be only aware of what more WE ourselves give that we feel is not reciprocated. Or we expect our spouse to react or behave in a way that we deem suitable, and when they don't we become upset or feel put upon.

That said, when it gets to the point where one or both partners become resentful because they think they're giving too much or they're not getting what they need, and talking about it together doesn't produce any satisfactory results, it definitely is time to seek a marital counselor ... who, as I mentioned in my prior post, will help you BOTH get on the same page - if he or she is any good at it. You may have to go through one or two counselors before you hit on the right one for both of you, but it's really worth the effort.

Please don't listen to armchair psychologists here who will diagnose your wife and tell you how deficient she is. lol. They don't know her, they don't live at your house and they don't understand the hundreds of subtle dynamics that constitute your marriage. Just see someone who can talk to BOTH of you (preferably someone who also understands the crossdressing since this is one of the issues in your marriage).

Good luck!