Well, last night was interesting.

My wife has known about my sporadic dressing since before we were engaged. It's always been a topic she's gone back and forth on - sometimes acceptance, sometimes veering into DADT. Because I only get the urge to dress a couple of times a year (usually during stressful periods at work/home) and it generally lasts just a few weeks, its been an easy topic to avoid. She has always done her best, but I know there's lingering discomfort, so I don't dress around her. I'm fine with that - I don't wear things for her or anyone else, it's more "me time". But since our daughter was born, I still get the urges but have just ridden them out for the most part - I have other outlets for stress, so hasn't been an issue for me, really, and its not something I really want her exposed to.

Several weeks ago, the urge returned strongly though, and I succumbed. Busted out my gear out of the boxes, and it was... a rush. I let her know what had happened, and she seemed 100% fine with it - to the point she even commented that she couldn't understand why I suppressed it since our daughter came. The fog was stronger than usual though - probably because I hadn't breathed it in for four years or so - and I ordered some dresses on Lands End. I told her about it, since to that point my purchases have been strictly underwear and shoes, and now was buying actual clothing. She seemed surprised, and I reassured her that aside from ordering different things, nothing had changed in that even wearing what I had it didn't make me feel girly or feminine, and that the urge to be such wasn't something I had experienced, or felt I was likely to. She seemed fine with that, and when the dresses arrived she had me try them on. (Cue laughs when one of them turned out to be one she already owned herself!)

Suddenly last night though, it came out.

The sight of me in womens clothing was repellent to her. A massive turn off, and she admitted she viewed me as less of a man when doing so. And that despite all history with me pointing to the contrary, she is waiting for "the other shoe to drop" - because I didn't tell her about it immediately when we began dating (Took me several months to work up the courage) and therefore she can't trust me.

I am, the following day, decimated. I got zero sleep last night, and finally at 5am I got up and purged. It dawned on me that my stress outlet was now gone - that I could never wear any of those things again without her judgment ringing in my ears. She woke up and asked me to stop, that I was crazy to throw everything away, that she knew I needed it but I honestly couldn't answer. Undies went in one garbage bag, sleep stuff went in another, and my shoes and clothing went in a box for donation. The garbage bags are now in the trash.

Can't adequately put into words how I'm feeling. Betrayed? Let down? Disappointed? No clue. I am 100% MIAD, and have never given her any reason to even begin to potentially suspect any of the societal stereotypes about the fact that I'm a crossdresser, but there they were. Despite the fact that I work my ass off and am a good husband and father, I'm less of a man. Despite the fact that I've never shown the remotest feminine trait (well, beyond occasional clothing preferences!) I am a massive turnoff, and a ticking girly timebomb that can go off at any time.

Took me years and hard work to break down those stereotypes in my own head, and get myself to the point where I was comfortable with it, that it was just clothes. Ot took her sixty seconds to put 'em all right back.