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Thread: Wife drops the hammer

  1. #1
    Junior Member Gaz's Avatar
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    Angry Wife drops the hammer

    Well, last night was interesting.

    My wife has known about my sporadic dressing since before we were engaged. It's always been a topic she's gone back and forth on - sometimes acceptance, sometimes veering into DADT. Because I only get the urge to dress a couple of times a year (usually during stressful periods at work/home) and it generally lasts just a few weeks, its been an easy topic to avoid. She has always done her best, but I know there's lingering discomfort, so I don't dress around her. I'm fine with that - I don't wear things for her or anyone else, it's more "me time". But since our daughter was born, I still get the urges but have just ridden them out for the most part - I have other outlets for stress, so hasn't been an issue for me, really, and its not something I really want her exposed to.

    Several weeks ago, the urge returned strongly though, and I succumbed. Busted out my gear out of the boxes, and it was... a rush. I let her know what had happened, and she seemed 100% fine with it - to the point she even commented that she couldn't understand why I suppressed it since our daughter came. The fog was stronger than usual though - probably because I hadn't breathed it in for four years or so - and I ordered some dresses on Lands End. I told her about it, since to that point my purchases have been strictly underwear and shoes, and now was buying actual clothing. She seemed surprised, and I reassured her that aside from ordering different things, nothing had changed in that even wearing what I had it didn't make me feel girly or feminine, and that the urge to be such wasn't something I had experienced, or felt I was likely to. She seemed fine with that, and when the dresses arrived she had me try them on. (Cue laughs when one of them turned out to be one she already owned herself!)

    Suddenly last night though, it came out.

    The sight of me in womens clothing was repellent to her. A massive turn off, and she admitted she viewed me as less of a man when doing so. And that despite all history with me pointing to the contrary, she is waiting for "the other shoe to drop" - because I didn't tell her about it immediately when we began dating (Took me several months to work up the courage) and therefore she can't trust me.

    I am, the following day, decimated. I got zero sleep last night, and finally at 5am I got up and purged. It dawned on me that my stress outlet was now gone - that I could never wear any of those things again without her judgment ringing in my ears. She woke up and asked me to stop, that I was crazy to throw everything away, that she knew I needed it but I honestly couldn't answer. Undies went in one garbage bag, sleep stuff went in another, and my shoes and clothing went in a box for donation. The garbage bags are now in the trash.

    Can't adequately put into words how I'm feeling. Betrayed? Let down? Disappointed? No clue. I am 100% MIAD, and have never given her any reason to even begin to potentially suspect any of the societal stereotypes about the fact that I'm a crossdresser, but there they were. Despite the fact that I work my ass off and am a good husband and father, I'm less of a man. Despite the fact that I've never shown the remotest feminine trait (well, beyond occasional clothing preferences!) I am a massive turnoff, and a ticking girly timebomb that can go off at any time.

    Took me years and hard work to break down those stereotypes in my own head, and get myself to the point where I was comfortable with it, that it was just clothes. Ot took her sixty seconds to put 'em all right back.
    Bearded, hairy, beer-chugging, truck-drivin', wife lovin' manly man...
    ...sometimes in lingerie and heels, and occasionally a cute dress. MIAD 4 life!

  2. #2
    Silver Member giuseppina's Avatar
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    Maybe a chat with a duly qualified and licensed mental health practitioner is in order for both you and your wife.

    There may be other issues lurking beneath the surface.
    Cheers
    Giuseppina
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  3. #3
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    Welcome to the closet, Gaz. Not all wives are forgiving and/or participatory. You have been able to go further with your wife than I could with mine. I guess that's good. You must figure out your own navigational route through the stormy sea of marriage. I met with a pretty much instant barrier and elected not to push as I did not want to chance destroying an otherwise excellent situation. Hence, I am in the closet along with many others. I dress when opportunity arises and don't hope for more.

  4. #4
    Junior Member Marianne S's Avatar
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    If I were you I'd grab those bags back PRONTO, before they get collected! Otherwise you never know when you'll regret throwing everything away! I've regretted purging too, in the dim and distant past. I learned never to do it again. Granted, your situation is different, but even your wife thinks you're crazy to throw everything away! NEVER do anything major on impulse that you can't undo!

    Give it time! You can work this out!

  5. #5
    Silver Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Gaz, First take a deep breath and slow things up. I absolutely can understand you being upset but I would retrieve the items even if it is for a short period of time. I think you need some time to let the dust settle and in a few days or a week have a talk with your wife. Maybe the dresses put her over the top but you need to find out what if anything you can do. If it is only panties then so be it.
    Please do not throw anything away yet. I hope you can get at least a partial resolution in your favor. Hang in there and we are here for you. Hugs, Crissy
    Crissy

  6. #6
    Member Kelli_cd's Avatar
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    I agree with the others - don't discard your items. Situations may change, your favorites may be irreplaceable. The last time I purged I threw away so much and just pictured all the money I had spent.
    And of course, I started again. I will never throw everything away again.

  7. #7
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Many wise words here all I can say is in accord with tje others hold off throwing everything way and try and talk some more with your wife, there has to be a way through this.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  8. #8
    Junior Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Gaz

    I feel your pain. You are not alone. Although it?s not the only driving force for me, stress can certainly trigger a sudden return of the desire to dress. Understanding that is important to keep it at bay. Sadly , my wife would never give an inch so my dressing is in complete hiding. For me it?s better that way because I hated the scolding. It only works for me because I travel a LOT. I am not recommending my method as it has its own risks. I had to overcome the guilt associated with being dishonest about it, and that does take it?s toll. I was just not willing to pursue dressing in the open which would have ultimately doomed my marriage for sure. Good luck, you may want to seek counseling as others suggested because it?s a lot to get your hands around. Trust me though when I say I feel your pain.

    Sandi

  9. #9
    Junior Member Gaz's Avatar
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    The problem (or lack of problem, I dunno) is that I look at all those things are purely clothes now. They're no longer taboo objects, or things I felt I needed to keep hidden. They're things my wife has always known about - hell, she bought me a fair chunk of them. And now, after her broadside, they're not even that now.

    I don't have a feminine drive. I know a lot of people here do, and I've always assumed I had it as well. Maybe I was repressing it, maybe I was in denial about it. (Am sure that there are some who will say that's still the case.) But I've spent years of reflection, on who and what I am and I don't see it. My dressing comes from a different place - its about escapism and a form of coping mechanism for me. But even so, the "stigma of the crossdresser" still applies - that I'm weird, deviant. That I'm a sissy, that I long to be a woman, and dream about sex with men. I've never felt a scrap of that, and finally got to a place of peace. Now though, knowing that my wife still has that stigma means that any time I wear any of it, it'll echo in my ears. I didn't dress around her because I knew I could never fully relax, there was always a nagging voice knowing there was some level of disapproval. Now that I know just how titanic that level is, even wearing it in private I don't think I'll be able to relax in it.

    Am sure in the coming days/weeks/months that there will be a lot of talking. At least on my part - her way (and her family's) is to avoid conflict at all costs, and pretend the next day like things never happened (likely the reason that she was in disbelief that I was purging).
    Bearded, hairy, beer-chugging, truck-drivin', wife lovin' manly man...
    ...sometimes in lingerie and heels, and occasionally a cute dress. MIAD 4 life!

  10. #10
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    Hi Gaz , I think that you are trying to punish your wife by trashing all of your things,

    You will soon see and feel the error of your ways. >Orchid .oOOo.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  11. #11
    Curmudgeon Member donnalee's Avatar
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    May I suggest an alternative?
    Take all those things you bagged and put them in an area you'really not likely to go into; out of sight, out of mind (both you [U]and[U]your wife). Purging is a former of suicide, in my opinion and, like suicide, is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is also a way of hurting your wife in a similar manner " you'll be sorry when I'm dead". Many things said and done in the heat of the moment are wished undone in more sober reflection, and this is one of them.
    ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!

    "The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)

  12. #12
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Why are you letting her control the narrative? You are the man of the house right? Well maybe not.
    Sounds like you are trying to get back at her and trying to make her feel guilty about things she said.
    All you are doing is hurting yourself to try to make her feel bad.
    Thats the old martyr syndrome. Guys do that a lot.
    Why not stand your ground and tell her to back off its just clothes right?
    Some here claim to be men but they sure don't act like it.
    What I would do is go get my stuff out of the trash and drop the hammer on her for once.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 11-11-2019 at 06:40 PM.
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  13. #13
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    To the OP:
    1 - reclaim your stuff. All purging does is cost you money.

    2 - You and your spouse need to find a counselor.

    3 - Re-read points 1 and 2 until you do them.


    A woman falls in love with, and marries, a MAN. She has her own expectations of what that means. If one fails to meet those expectations, one can expect consequences.

    And people change, over time. What she once found tolerable, can become intolerable.

    Back when I was on The Job, there was a saying: "There are 3 sides to every story: yours, theirs, and somewhere in the middle, is the truth" We are hearing your side of the story, but we ( and you!) don't know her side. What is she feeling, thinking, worrying over?

    Someone recommended standing your ground, delivering your own ultimatum. Go ahead, just be prepared for the worst, when she calls your bluff, or worse, raises and calls.
    Before you can love another, you must first like yourself

    I Aim To Misbehave

    Labels belong on BOXES, not PEOPLE!

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    Hi Gaz,

    I hope you keep the clothes. Who know, maybe you may have more freedom to dress openly. I've done feminine Fridays, in which I'll wear florals or heels to work.

    When I was in a relationship we would talk every day, but I didn't ask permission to crossdress. Instead, I just got some VS PJs and wore them to bed the same day I got them.

    Marion
    Last edited by Maid_Marion; 11-11-2019 at 07:47 PM.

  15. #15
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Jodie standing your ground is not delivering an ultimatum or even close.
    Basically standing your ground is not giving in to pressure from others especially your spouse.
    She said for better or worse just like he did they do need to work things out no doubt about that.
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  16. #16
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
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    Welcome to the wonderful world of DADT, Gaz, or its evil twin...DWTSI ("Don't Want To See It").

    There are many members of this forum who can relate 100% to what you have expressed here...in fact, many of us could actually have written the same post verbatim. I know I could have...especially the part about being so uber masculine in all other aspects of our lives, so why is this crossdressing quirk of ours such a "no fly zone" for our wives and SO's, totally overshadowing all of our other admirable traits? I guess for some women, given their 'druthers, they would rather be married to a shiftless, wife-beating, unemployed, porn-addicted drunk instead...I mean, that's more "manly" and more "normal" by current standards, and that behavior probably carries less of a social stigma than the "perverted" crossdressing activities that we engage in, right?

    The older (and hopefully - wiser) I get, and the more I think about it and try to rationalize this dichotomy in my mind, the more convinced I am that more than just the typical heterosexual biological male-female sexual attraction is at play here. A huge part of this is also the way males and females are conditioned socially in what is still an inherently binary and gendered environment in the Western world. Add to this the fact that we also still live in what is essentially a patriarchal society where the "real" men still call the shots, and some of this toxic masculinity rubs off on women as well. How else to explain their propensity to fall for the "bad boys" because they are "dangerous" and "exciting"? Trouble is, once they realize what bad news these "bad boys" really are, they inevitably settle for us benign dwebs to establish safer, more protective relationships, procreate, and eventually ease into a comfortable old age. Of course, when we benign dweebs turn out to be crossdressers, this whole vision of a "safe", stable, and "normal" relationship crumbles before their eyes, and then the proverbial excrement hits the ventilator.

    Funny thing about clothing, though - and to get back to my original point about social conditioning...for a man to prefer what is considered to be "feminine" clothing by today's standards often makes him seem to be less of a man in many peoples' eyes. And yet, back in the 1700's the men populating the higher social strata routinely wore high-heeled shoes, elaborately embroidered lace-trimmed waistcoats, breeches, stockings, and powdered wigs tied back with ribbons as well as makeup. Kind of what passes for female (or female-inspired) clothing today. Yet no one thought to call these 18th century men "sissies". If anything, they conquered and settled vast tracts of lands and newly discovered continents far beyond Europe's traditional borders.

    Eminently "manly", by all conventional standards. Go figure...

  17. #17
    Junior Member HelpMe,Rhonda's Avatar
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    Wondering if your wife would be willing to discard an important aspect of herself at your command.

  18. #18
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    Sorry you are going through this.

    Not so much the cost but I is an empty jester unless you are able to close the door on it and not look back.

    That is if her can't be moved to accept the way you are. To me you sound like a typical CD.

  19. #19
    Dreaming in Color! ColleenCD's Avatar
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    Hi Gaz,

    Long time member, rarely posting these days but have been through much of your dilemma. I understand purging as your answer to her reaction, I too have regrettably tossed items after feeling attacked. IMHO, your frustration rings of confusion to your wife's reaction varying from acceptance and support to demeaning statements. The only solution appears to be to not dress (purge), then she will have to accept you. But will you accept you?

    I've found that wive's often wander on their level of "Okayness." One day they buy something for you and the next criticize you for it. For me, this is a deeply sensitive area for which I don't need her against me, so I don't dress around her. Maybe your answer could be consistent ground rules? You're a solid provider, but she voiced her struggle of the absence of your masculine presentation. Talking with her will show her she matters most, but Gaz time is also essential to you. If this is not a relationship breaker, then find some middle ground that does not demean you.

    Very best wishes Gaz,

    Colleen

    [
    Last edited by ColleenCD; 11-11-2019 at 10:31 PM.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Feeling pretty on the inside.

  20. #20
    Junior Member Gaz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    Why are you letting her control the narrative? You are the man of the house right? Well maybe not.
    Sounds like you are trying to get back at her and trying to make her feel guilty about things she said.
    All you are doing is hurting yourself to try to make her feel bad.
    Thats the old martyr syndrome. Guys do that a lot.
    Why not stand your ground and tell her to back off its just clothes right?
    Some here claim to be men but they sure don't act like it.
    What I would do is go get my stuff out of the trash and drop the hammer on her for once.
    Wow, ain't you empathic.

    Am I the man of the house? That's not really a thing anymore, is it? I'm comfortable in my masculinity, but that doesn't mean I live in a house where the attitude where "do as I say, woman" doesn't actually happen. How should I "act like a man" in this sense? Slap her about a bit and tell her to get me a scotch?

    I've said in other threads, a marriage is a partnership where crossdressers can (and often are) selfish to the point of only caring about their own wants and needs, and often ignore their wives' wants and needs in the process.

    Which is why I'm currently fuming.

    I've spent our marriage specializing in compromise and finding the happy medium with this. She's know about it since before I popped the question - she said yes anyways. She had ample opportunity to decide that she didn't want to hitch her wagon to a guy who crossdresses, she chose to anyways. She's bought me lingerie, she's bought me heels. She's offered me hand-me-downs from stuff she's outgrown or doesn't wear much. In return I don't shove it down our throat (my decision) and don't wear around our child (my decision). For that to now turn into it disgusting her and deciding that apparently its only a matter of time before I come out of the closet or begin MTF transition frustrates the hell out of me.

    An I martyring myself? Possibly? My motivation to wear is dealing with stress and escapism. Last night I went to bed (angry) and got my PJs on. Instead of feeling comfortable, they filled me with the old feelings of shame, frustration, and a modicum of self-loathing - I stripped them off and threw them in the trash. I tossed and turned all night struggling with it. I went into my closet and the sight of my shoes made me angry. I picked one up, and once again a flood of self loathing. She didn't order me to purge, but I think she knew what to say/do to trigger me. It no longer feels like they will do their "job" since the feelings they trigger aren't positive ones. It might be down to it being fresh and raw, but... it doesn't feel the same now.

    It does make me wonder... she went away for a girls' weekend with two of her friends, and came back with this. I wonder if she had a chat with her friends about the fact that I'm now buying clothing, and she got some advice. Not sure. Due for a chat tonight - she's avoiding me like the plague though.
    Bearded, hairy, beer-chugging, truck-drivin', wife lovin' manly man...
    ...sometimes in lingerie and heels, and occasionally a cute dress. MIAD 4 life!

  21. #21
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Maybe her girls weekend had a little something to do with it that is possible indeed.
    I martyred myself all thru my two marriages and always compromised to keep my partner happy and that was my mistake.
    My first ex didn't like the fact I wouldn't stand up for myself and gave in to her every time no matter how ridiculous the reason was. Hence I worked 16 to 18 hours a day trucking then came home did the laundry and took care of the kids plus took the kids to school she did nothing because I was stupid enough to put up with her lazy ness.
    Second wife God knows she would leave for months at a time while I was working so no respect from her either.
    I don't make comments to be a smart a$$ or to hurt any ones feelings I just can see things in people comments describing their situation and I have been there twice so I know exactly what I am talking about.
    Sorry if you got offended but thats on you because I didn't say it to offend you.
    If I had just stood up to them and their demands and said no sometimes and stood my ground I might have two women that actually respected me and not walked all over me.
    Remember Mr nice guy always finishes last.
    Why do you suppose women always hook up with the bad boy types? Because they say no and act like what they think a real man acts like.
    I can be and am empathetic a lot of times but I don't sugar coat things as you can see.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 11-12-2019 at 01:30 AM.
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  22. #22
    Silver Member Leslie Mary S's Avatar
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    Hi GAz. Like it or not, you presently no longer feel a need to CD. I warn you the urge WILL return. It is like a heavy smoker giving up smoking and then eventually they start smoking again. Just put everything into a wooden box or footlocker. If you don't return for them in about 5 years then move the box farther away.
    Unfortunately, I think your SO is being guided away from each other by her "friends", who either don't know anything about your lives together, or one or more of them has been hurt or taught wrong. You need to know, in depth, about what was said during that weekend your SO was away, because that was what triggered your SOs change of mind.
    If you two do not talk this out and come to some understanding, then this will be the start of a separation. seen it before.
    Leslie Mary Shy
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  23. #23
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gaz View Post
    I've spent our marriage specializing in compromise and finding the happy medium with this. She's know about it since before I popped the question - she said yes anyways. She had ample opportunity to decide that she didn't want to hitch her wagon to a guy who crossdresses, she chose to anyways.
    Gaz, I spent my former marriage attempting to make my ex-wife happy by compromising on everything. In the end I got nothing and was miserable. Eventually I left. My point, is you have taught her that she gets to make the decisions and you will just go along.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  24. #24
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Gaz,
    Purging clothes or not won't remove that part of your brain that has this need to be satisfied, whether it's everyday or once a year it will surface again .

    Oddly stress is a two way thing , OK to dress does appear to relieve that stress but then we pile it back on again with the fear of being caught and outed .

    Maybe it's time to get a little professional input , you may not have dysphoria or if you do it's not overwhelming like some but you need to be honest with yourself and find what drives that need . At the moment you will be going round in circles , wondering who is right and who is wrong and you said it all in commenting you didn't sleep at all after your wife made her true feelings known .

    You need to work on the fact that you are no less of a man , she has you on a male pedestal or as I use to call it a male straightjacket . I burnt myself out trying to prove that point but it turned out there was no point to prove no one suffered or went without apart from me who be then was being torn apart mentally .

    You say you are ONLY A MIAD but that label is irrelevant you still have something driving that basic need , denying that need can at times be mentally destructive and if that need really takes hold which for many of us it does , eventually you may cease to function . This is not BS because I've lived it and worse .
    Last edited by Teresa; 11-12-2019 at 07:35 AM.
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  25. #25
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    This post is so important to discuss, this forum is right for this debate. Im well and truly in the closet and your post Gaz has hit home with me as im really petrified of my wife knowing. Ive been crossdressing for 34 yrs and with my wife for 27 years. Shes knows nothing about it so in some ways i could be in a worse situation at some point.
    I do have strong feminine feelings that i find impossible to shake off so I've learned to love and enjoy it.
    I agree with keeping your clothes as you paid good money for them and like you i am a great husband and dad and thats what your wife needs to separate and thats only achievable by her truly understanding how your mind ticks and conversely you understanding her worries about the situation. The only reservation i have with a third party mediation is that its chosen carefully with someone who is completely conversant on the subject and not a standard psychologist.
    I truly hope it works out for you.

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