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Thread: Had the discussion with my wife and it?s ok

  1. #1
    Member Charla's Avatar
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    Had the discussion with my wife and it?s ok

    After years of doubt and anxiety, I finally came out to my wife. I disclosed my entire transgender history from 4 years old to now, and all the explorations I‘ve made. The notion to do this came after I visited yet another therapist, looking for the cure to my transgender desires, and she said what you would expect - there is no cure, it never goes away, and most people just transition and live their lives. I knew all that, and finally accepted that I had to discuss this with my wife. After a discussion on why I liked shaving my legs, I told her I was transgender and wanted to do something to relieve the stress but did not want to separate from her. I told her that I planned on continuing HRT, that I would adopt some more feminine elements in my daily life (nails painted and groomed, shave all over, brows thinned, pierced ears, and no more male underwear) and she was ok. She had no problem with me shaving all over. She even gave suggestions on panties (Tommy Johns wide waist band) and suggested getting a camisole for underwear. I did explain that this was a journey and that I would go as far as I needed to in order to find comfort. I did voice a concern about what family thought (we do not live close to what few relatives that we have) and she said that I have to do what I need to and they have to learn to accept it.

    It was the hardest and most emotional discussion that we?ve ever had, and it?s taken two nights to get through it. For me, it?s been both sorrowful for any hurt I?ve caused, but freeing because now I can start living closer to an authentic life. I don?t plan on going out in womens? outerwear right away, but I can start moving toward a comfortable position and stop concealing so much. I have the freedom to shop and act as I need to. Today we?ll get breakfast and then go do a joint mani-pedi and get color on my nails. I am thinking of doing my fingers in a matte finish and red for my toenails. Then I?ll clean out my underwear drawer and go shopping and order those Tommy Johns panties! My American Express May lose a few millimeters of plastic!

    I do need to find a support network and that I why I am here. I have not been very responsive with the kind people who have visited me and that will change. Thanks to you all for the encouragement and ideas!

  2. #2
    Rural T Girl Teri Ray's Avatar
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    The big talk (as I describe it) is never easy or comfortable. But once you get through it its a good time to reflect and take your time. This new information is never easy to digest and accept. You need to keep your wife's feelings forefront. Take your time and keep open communication going. Be honest as you can. Best wishes.
    Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    If I may give a bit of advice: wait on the HRT until you are more socially transitioned. I’m gathering from your post that you haven’t gone out dressed yet? Get your toes wet before diving in the deep end. You may find that simply dressing and going out is enough to scratch your itch. Like I’ve said before, it’s not a race, and you need to learn to walk before you can run anyway.

  4. #4
    Goddess-In-Training Macey's Avatar
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    Whole thing helps so, so much when your life's partner is on board. Good on her! Good on you for your bravery!

    Also, listen to Micki. Take great stock in this and get your feet wet.
    Too much mascara is almost enough.

    Contact me on MeWe mewe.com/i/maceyg

  5. #5
    Member Charla's Avatar
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    Dear Micki, thanks for your advice! Dressing wasn't enough of a relief for me, so I started HRT about 3 years ago. The stress of being in stealth mode was too great, and stopping was not an option.

  6. #6
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    has your GREAT wife seen you dressed up much yet? if not go slow so she does not go into overload and go running out the door.
    good luck

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    Congrads on coming forward to your SO.....Take your time as going out...It is your life and enjoy it...Love is great....
    I live in CT and love to meet like minded friends....

  8. #8
    Member Charla's Avatar
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    Yes, she’s seen me dressed but not in a while. She did a makeover and dress-up session with me several times on New Year’s Eve. We stopped as we got busy with our careers and kids, and, at the time, I wanted this desire to go away. Now that we are approaching retirement and the kids are now adults, I can work on finding an acceptable solution for both of us. We don’t want to split up so that is in hand. She is ok with complete shaving of all body hair and even suggested trimming/ shaving the bikini area (which I did right away). It’s amazing how much insulation that body hair provides! I may need to start wearing a gown or nightly to bed. Today she will paint my toenails in a really neat purple color in gel and paint my fingers in clear. We’re going to start getting manis and pedis every 2 weeks to keep up with nail care. I’ve also discarded and stopped wearing all male underwear and ordered, at her suggestion, Tommy John women’s panties.

    Our agreement is that I will keep to presentations that aren’t overtly externally visible. I am not passable, so this is not a big strain on me. I have 46C breasts and I’ve been successful in hiding them somewhat under baggy shirts at work. I will start wearing women’s casual clothes (bra and panties, t-shirts, shorts, and slippers or flats) at home and possibly for short runs yo the store. I will seek resumption of HRT (I stopped recently for a month and found that I could not deal with the resumption of gender dysphoria) so I am seeing my endocrinologist on the 26th to resume treatment.

    I know this is a lot to write, but the relief I am experiencing after decades of repression is incredible. It’s like a 50 lb weight has been removed. Onward we go!

  9. #9
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Hi Carla! I am happy for you that you too, like me, after a lifetime in the closet are beginning to come out. Better late than never. I would add that seeing as you posted this in the TS section, that if you are TS then there is a deep need to be on the path to social acceptance as a woman that is full of difficulties and suffering, but worth it all. I hope that your wife will be with you in all this.

  10. #10
    happy to be her Sarah Charles's Avatar
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    I'm happy for you and your wife Charla as you've come to a new level of acceptance and support. Having that weight off your back is an amazing feeling and it's interesting to hear of your reaction to going off your hormones. I know I may never manage to take this full time, but I will do all I can to avoid ever having to deal with dysphoria again. I wish both of you the very best.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.
    http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001872677630

  11. #11
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    Hi Charla,
    Your wife is amazing and be sure to stay tuned to her feelings and check back as needed.
    On another note - despite having mostly female clothes, I still wear men's underwear partially for comfort reason and partially when I looked for briefs, my wife asked me to order male briefs to make the laundry sorting easy. A small gesture on my end that I was ok with. I still wear bra and everything else I want. For running, male briefs are still a must for me to avoid any irritation from a stitch that often goes in the middle.

  12. #12
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Good luck, Charla. Tell your wife we said she's (literally) one in a million, and start thinking of ways to return this incredible gift of love she's given you.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

    https://groups.io/g/gno-houston

  13. #13
    John JohannaH's Avatar
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    My advice on M2F HRT is at odds with others, but let me express my experience. At one time I thought about transitioning but later I decided against it. I have been on injectable estradiol valerate and spironolactone for over 6 years and I will continue the regimen. I no longer am suicidal and no longer drink heavily. As a result my health improved considerably. My wife prefers me a lot more than before starting the HRT.
    With my longer than shoulder length hair and DD bra cup size I look very much like a genetic woman but I certainly don't have a voice of one as I am a bass. I still regard myself as a man and not a woman. No one has EVER insulted me with my appearance, and the odd thing is I get along much better than I did before the HRT.

    If HRT is not for you, you can stop before the effects become permanent. For me it is a godsend.
    John - Please use my legal name John. I also prefer masculine pronouns referring to myself.
    Been on M2F HRT for over 8 years
    Don't mind if I am addressed as Sir or Ma'am as long as I am treated with respect.
    Just don't call me "Maggot".

  14. #14
    Member Charla's Avatar
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    Dear Johanna,
    Thanks for the reply! We are still navigating the new currents of this relationship. More to come later!
    Last edited by Charla; 11-20-2019 at 05:01 AM.

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    Congratulations!
    Go slow and make sure your wife is included in every step. They might seem small to you, but it?s so important to keep her on board.
    All the best with your transition.
    Natalie x

  16. #16
    Member Charla's Avatar
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    To be sure, it’s not all smooth sailing. We’ve both had a blowup each. But she is being very supportive and understanding. She turned me on to Tommy John second skin panties ( love them!) and ordered clothes for me. It’s a journey...

  17. #17
    Member Carolina's Avatar
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    Wow! You are incredibly lucky with your wife! I?ve been having ?the talk? with my wife several times and she is not buying it. She doesn?t like Carolina and has promised to leave when Carolina comes out socially. Our kids now live abroad but I still have several years before retirement, thus cannot come out at work as of yet. But I?m on my second week of HRT and I don?t know whether or not I?ll be able (or willing) to stop it when and if my breasts start coming out. I?ll cross that bridge when I get there though.

    Have you had ?the talk? with your adult kids? I want to do it when I see them but my wife is not supportive of that either...

  18. #18
    Member Charla's Avatar
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    Hi Carolina,
    No, I haven’t had the talk with my adult son, but it will happen eventually. Last week, I got my toenails painted in this beautiful purple gel color, so I’ve been wearing slippers around the house when he’s here. I came down this morning to put on shoes, and thought he had left for work, but he was eating breakfast at the table and my bright purple toenails were conspicuous. I noticed that he looked twice at them, but did not say anything. As my wife and I drove off to go shopping, I asked if he had said anything to her. She said no, but it’s just a matter of time.

    By the way, love your outfit!

  19. #19
    Member Carolina's Avatar
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    Thanks Charla,
    When I do my mani pedis in a nice beauty salon near our holiday place my wife usually comes to do a facial at the same time, but lately I?ve been going as Carolina and she is no longer wanting to go with me (I?m ?out? at that salon and they make me feel very welcome as the woman I am, which my wife hates). There, I love having my toenails in deep fuchsia color. Back at home I wear wedges around the house (under the pretext that I need some heel to protect my Achilles? tendon), with my bright fuchsia toes quite conspicuous. My wife seems to be ok with it, but our house help must have seen them, although she says noting. I?ve tried to get my wife to let me tell our house help so that I can be who I am at home, but she still refuses to let me tell her...
    My daughter caught me one time she was in town with an ?OMG, you have painted your nails!?. It was the one time I had used permanent gel in another out of town nail salon. I made up a lame excuse of a bet with my wife (she was frowning on me) and had to go back that same afternoon to the salon 20 miles away to remove it. But I?d love to tell my kids. Not sure how they?d react though...

  20. #20
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charla View Post
    Hi Carolina,
    No, I haven?t had the talk with my adult son, but it will happen eventually. Last week, I got my toenails painted in this beautiful purple gel color, so I?ve been wearing slippers around the house when he?s here. I came down this morning to put on shoes, and thought he had left for work, but he was eating breakfast at the table and my bright purple toenails were conspicuous. I noticed that he looked twice at them, but did not say anything. As my wife and I drove off to go shopping, I asked if he had said anything to her. She said no, but it?s just a matter of time.

    By the way, love your outfit!
    Hi Carla!

    I think you need to have that talk with your son now. I believe that being open and confident in who you are with him is a much better start than him picking up "hints" and wondering what is going on with you.

  21. #21
    Member Charla's Avatar
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    Hi Dorit!
    My son is a special case - he has Aspberger’s Syndrome and is a high functioning person for someone in the autism spectrum. I have to carefully tailor the message and I do want to tell him soon. There are so many changes happening right now for all of us (me, wife, son) so I want to control the rate.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    My wife got “The Trans Partner’s Handbook” on Kindle and read it. She is much calmer about me being trans than before and is more understanding of the ways that I cope with it. We did have a several hour discussion on Saturday afternoon about our lives, my formative years, House decorating, clothes, and HRT. All is ok. She shows me clothes that I might like and thinks about things we can do together. For instance, we went to the Pledge The Pink fund raiser for breast cancer and many guys were doing the 10 mile walks in tutus, bras, nighties, etc. she asked if I’d like doing that and of course I’ve agreed. My big surprise was how accepting she was of my being on HRT. Life is good...

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