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Thread: was I a hypocrite?

  1. #1
    Member jacques's Avatar
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    was I a hypocrite?

    hello All,
    I retired from work this year. At work I was a "equality and diversity representative" and at meetings I tried to champion better access for the physically disabled, quiet rooms for breast feeding, unisex toilets to help people transitioning, a prayer room and dignified washing facilities for Muslims, separate offices for staff with unseen disabilities so that they could concentrate, appropriate lighting for people prone to migraines &c. But, I never told anyone about my cross-dressing. I now wonder whether I should have come out?
    luv J

  2. #2
    Silver Member Meghan4now's Avatar
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    Hard to say. It might have been helpful but it could also have been problematic for you, or your family. There is a lot of missing data, especially your thoughts or reasons not too. You shouldn't feel obligated to paint a Target on your back. And even if you feel like you should have, your frailty as a human could be forgiven.

    Don't beat yourself up. Just move on and do your best in the future.
    Put on a Happy Face.

  3. #3
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    I don't think so. Most of us come out to people whom we trust and important to us. Most people, especially those we work with, do not need to know our business.
    Sara

  4. #4
    Of course she is. Patience's Avatar
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    No one can know that for sure but you. We don't know your workplace, your co-workers and come to that, we don't exactly know you either.

    That being said, there's no reason you can't share your secret with some former co-workers now you're retired.
    ... and though she feels as if she's in a play, she is anyway.

  5. #5
    Silver Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Jacques,

    If a colleague approached you for support because say they were Trans, wanting to come out to their colleagues and come to work presenting as female then it would have been a situation where you may have chosen to confide in that person as a way of showing empathy but you would be within your rights to ask for confidentiality.

    Not telling didn't impact your ability to do your role. The only time hypocracy charges could be levelled is if a colleage berates others for being CD and you stay quiet. Part of the role was to confront attitudes like that but beyond that, feel no remorse.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  6. #6
    Silver Member Elizabeth G's Avatar
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    In my opinion the short answer is no, you were not a hypocrite. Coming out or not is a highly personal choice with potentially large ramifications with a lot of entry arguments and your position at work was just one of them. There are many other factors that need to be considered weighed that play into that decision so I wouldn't beat myself up over the choice you made if I were you.
    It's just the clothes... isn't it?

  7. #7
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    No. Read the definition.

    Only if u think badly of someone else coming out or not coming out, mite u be considered a hypocrite!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  8. #8
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    It's an interesting question. I'd have to say, first of all, you had no obligation to come out. No one does. As long as stood ready to protect those who do, you've done your part.
    Now... where it gets interesting, is who qualifies as deserving of such protection. TS folk? Without question, but what about NB's or CD's? The arguments are different. I do know what "the right thing" would be, and if it were my shop, your performance would be all that matters.

  9. #9
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Thank you for being so generous with your time. Your private life is no one else?s concern. Only share what you want to share.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Jacques,
    No don't down yourself by calling yourself a hypocrite , maybe you let yourself down by not revealing the truth , I'm sure in your circumstances it would have worked out fine .

    Nothing to stop you putting it right now , I've been back to old friends and business contacts without any problems , I've now met several brides I've photographed over the years , everyone has been wonderful with me , just because you retire the doors aren't all closed to you .

    Aunt Kelly ,
    Is it really necessary to consider protecting ourselves no matter what label we choose to use , the fear is often ill founded , I really haven't had a problem with revealing the whole truth .
    Last edited by Teresa; 11-19-2019 at 01:53 PM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  11. #11
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Your job was helping the underrepresented. Not coming out wouldn’t make you a hypocrite. To be a hypocrite you would have had to join a supremacist group or otherwise work against their interest. Now if you were a counselor who as encouraging people to come out but weren’t out yourself, then you’d be a hypocrite. Instead you made safe spaces for other people, and there’s no reason to judge yourself just because your safe space was in the closet.

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member Eemz's Avatar
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    It sounds like you did a lot of good work and there is no reason to second guess it now. You meant everything you said and that's still true. Your private life is just that: private, and it is irrelevant in my opinion

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member Angela1954's Avatar
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    Your personal life is irrelevant. You were supportive of individuals in need, fostered a diverse workplace, and showed a genuine concern for your fellow workers. That makes you a good employee and a good person

  14. #14
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Sounds like you did a fine job as a "equality and diversity representative" . Kudos
    What you did in private needed not to come out unless you wanted to come out to everyone.
    If you are a Genetic Female (Female at Birth) and would like to join us in the F.A.B. Forum, please follow the link.

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  15. #15
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    No. You had a job to do and you did your job.

  16. #16
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Its not something you have to tell anyone.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.
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  17. #17
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    Why feel guilty. It's your own business. Don't feel any regrets

  18. #18
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    You did fine. No one needs to know your personal life.
    Last edited by char GG; 11-19-2019 at 04:16 PM. Reason: No comments about religion please.

  19. #19
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    No,

    If you were out, living as a woman, transitioning, things would be different.

    Still you would have to be telling someone not to do what you do, it doesn't sound like something you would do.

  20. #20
    Silver Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    I agree with the others, no you were not at all a hypocrite.
    Crissy

  21. #21
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Jacques, your position was to aid and advocate for others, not your self. As an advocate I understand that point of view. There is always greater purpose in advocating for others than yourself.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  22. #22
    Aspiring Shopaholic BTWimRobin's Avatar
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    Being respectful and supportive to others and coming out CDing are mutually exclusive. You were not hypocritical at all.
    - Robin

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member NancyJ's Avatar
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    We have no obligation to martyr ourselves. Had you not stood up for the rights of a trans co-worker, then, yes, you would have been a hypocrite. As you describe your situation, you were an advocate for all. Cut yourself some slack and enjoy retirement. Nancy

  24. #24
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    To actually find out it would be good to do a comparative experiment - come out at work and then not come out at work. Oops. Not possible to do that kind of comparison. I think it was a wonderful that you supported so many changes in work conditions for such a wide variety of people. And I suspect your effect was stronger with everyone thinking of you as purely male than coming out as some variety of trans. In that case, you support might have been viewed as self-serving and your activity in that quest might have been largely ignored by some. But you are retired now. So be you. You showed a lot of feminine compassion, empathy, and sympathy in your efforts. A few might have wondered what kind of guy you are, but I suspect most didn't think that. In my experience, most people decide what kind of gender identity someone has by assuming it is consistent with their appearance or presentation. Present as fully male and that is what most people see and think even when there are feminine traits - you are just a sensitive guy. Effective disguise that can take you a long ways without anyone knowing the real truth about what is deep, deep inside your heart and mind. It is sometimes hard to not be out, but sometimes it is an advantage when implementing change.

  25. #25
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Aunt Kelly ,
    Is it really necessary to consider protecting ourselves no matter what label we choose to use , the fear is often ill founded , I really haven't had a problem with revealing the whole truth .
    That's great that you haven't had a problem, but thinking that your experience applies to any one else is extraordinarily myopic. Neither you nor I should be making that judgement for anyone else. This is not about you.

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