"Straight" guy looking to experiment.

[LilSissyStevie]

I know a lot about depression and anxiety. When I was younger I cycled between anxiety/depression/rage/euphoria but mostly it was anxiety and depression. I was under psychiatric care by the time I was 9 and institutionalized by 12. Basically I was suffering from what is now called complex-PTSD. Up until puberty, I fantasized a lot about being a girl, but now I started fantasizing about being a girl sexually. During this time I had a couple of sexual experiences with girls that were disastrous. I felt like a total loser in that department. After that, the idea of taking the male role in sex filled me with dread. In my imagination, it seemed like it would be much easier to take the female role. All I had to do was look pretty and submit to his whims. I would also have lesbian and female domination fantasies for the same reason. Anything as long as it didn't involve me using my penis. At some point I decided that I must be gay or bi and I should just get on with it. The problem was that I just didn't find guys attractive in real life. That's putting it nicely. I was attracted to the idea of being a girl or a gay bottom. I didn't understand it clearly. But I finally realized that I wasn't into guys. Ultimately the solution, since I really was attracted to females, was to find the ones that were as sexually messed up as I was but in a somewhat compatible way. That's been a wild ride in both extremely good and bad experiences but good on balance. I wonder sometimes how things would have turned out if I had taken the plunge. Part of me wants to think that things would have been easier and made more sense if I were gay and another part thinks I would have had a worse set of problems since I can't imagine having sex with a man as a man nor can I imagine having any romantic feelings for a dude. I liken it to how I used to have vivid dreams and fantasies about being able to fly. I would just move my arms about and I could swim through the air. It was a wonderful feeling. But when I got up on the roof and looked down I didn't really feel like flying anymore.

[Aunt Kelly]

Definitely a theme going on here, Michelle. "Find yourself" is very good advice. Deal with the depression and other issues before entering into any kind of relationship. Then you will know what you want and can pursue it from that pos

[docrobbysherry]

I really dislike lables - gay, straight, bi, pan etc etc etc...why cant we just be Human...?
--------------------

U may hate labels but they r very important to most of us, Sabrina!

I used to have a T friend I hung around with. He said he was straight like me. Until one time we were alone together and he said he was turned on by Sherry!
End of our "hanging out"!

I met me current, close, T friend, Cindi, and she explained she's straight, too. And, she is! We've been hanging out and traveling together for 5 years!

I would not date a female if she said she was a lesbian. I would not "date" a gay guy. I wouldn't hire someone who said he was a roofer to fix my plumbing!

It seems to me, the only folks NOT interested in people's labels r hermits. U know, folks who never get out to meet anyone?

[TheHiddenMe]

As Dan Savage says, to have a relationship you need to be in good working order. Based on your comments, right now it seems you could probably use talking to a counselor, as others have suggested.

As to finding someone to explore a relationship with a man, I suspect if you look in the right places, you can find one. I just checked the numbers on the site; 222 people, 12 members and 210 guests. My suspicion is that a number of the 210 guests are admirers, who WOULD be interested in a relationship with a CD.

[Marianne S]

Michelle, I agree with what most of our members have been saying here. To start with, if for whatever reason you "haven't been able to connect with any women" recently, why do you think you'd do any better connecting with a man, sexually that is? In any case if anxiety is your major problem in relationships, you'd be far wiser to seek competent therapy for that, and for your depression, as a surer route toward new relationships in the future.

Although I'm also "straight," like some others here I admit I have toyed now and again with fantasies of sex with a man--always crossdressed of course, in the role of a woman. The notion of "gay" sex turns me right off. However, I agree with Tracii that for many of us, these ideas are better left as fantasies! Fantasy and reality are different.

I know this is quite another issue, but conversations about fantasy remind me of one I had long ago with a past (and treasured) girlfriend about how some women can enjoy a "rape fantasy." I had no trouble understanding what she was telling me. A fantasy is one thing, and can be pleasurable; rape in reality is of course ugly, brutal, and dehumanizing.

About sex with a guy, naturally "your mileage may vary"--though frankly I doubt it. Speaking for myself, I've never sought to act out such a fantasy, and I don't foresee ever doing so. There's more than one reason for this. Being married in the long term has been the first good reason! Apart from that, there can be distinct health risks, and in addition I've heard that some such encounters can turn violent. That's three good reasons right there.

However, there's still a fourth reason: namely, the fear that such an encounter in reality, unlike the fantasy, is likely to prove disappointing at best, or worse still, repulsive.

That's because a fantasy can be exactly the way we want to make it in our own minds, but reality doesn't give us that choice. Reality forces us to accept the whole package with all five senses. We have to take reality as it is: what the other person looks like, feels like, sounds like, smells like, tastes like, and actually does "with" us or "to" us. If any of that turns out distasteful to us, we're "SOL"!

If we have a particular sexual orientation--if we're gynephilic as you and I are, finding women "incredibly attractive" as you said--we generally find all aspects of women erotic: face, voice, body, aromas, feminine carriage and behavior, and so forth. If we're not truly androphilic, if we're not attracted to men in the same holistic way, it's likely that we're only attracted to one or more aspects of a relationship or encounter with a man that we might fantasize about, while other aspects might frankly revolt us!

These aspects can be many and varied, and different people who are "bi-curious" may find different subsets of these aspects attractive, while other aspects are repugnant to them. So you may find it worth your while to take an inventory of what attracts you about the notion of a relationship with a guy, while also paying attention to aspects of maleness you might find unattractive.

Needless to say, these include social and emotional traits along with the physical. You might ask yourself some questions--privately of course--such as why sex with a guy attracts you more than usual at this particular point in your life. Is it just a "bucket list" thing that's come to the forefront just because you're at a loose end right now with no permanent relationship? Or is there more to it at a social or emotional level?

For instance, do you feel you "get on better" with men than with women, that you have more in common with men in terms of shared interests or modes of thinking, and have more difficulty relating to women?

Alternatively, if you suffer from anxiety, do you feel that a male partner would be a source of strength and confidence that you need, while women are always looking to you for support that you feel unable to give? Then too, if anxiety affects your sexual performance, do you imagine yourself more at ease with a male partner who takes the initiative sexually, instead of with a woman who expects you to "perform" and leaves you feeling inadequate if you can't? Would you feel as comfortable living full time with a male partner as with a female partner? Could you, in the deepest romantic and emotional sense, imagine yourself "in love" with a man?

What aspects of dating a guy appeal to you, and which do not? Are you, like some people here, attracted to the notion of "being treated like a lady," romanced with dinner and flowers and courtesy and generally taken care of? How do you feel about kissing a guy? (That inevitably brings Katy Perry to mind, although of course she's the other sex. Could you "kiss a guy and like it?") How about cuddling with a guy? Sleeping next to a guy? How do you feel about the male body, or a male voice in your ear? A young guy, a muscular guy, a middle-aged man with a paunch? If and when it came to sex, would "anything goes" be OK with you, or just certain activities and no others? I don't need to name them; I'm only saying you might not get what you bargained for!

I say all this because I've noticed with interest that when it comes to the fantasy of dating a guy, different CDers are attracted to different aspects of it--and some of them are mutually exclusive! Several of our members, like Doc here, have said they'd enjoy the idea of "being treated like a woman." Yet they have no desire whatsoever to engage with what they call "man parts"! This euphemism is delicious for more reasons than one, because it could cover anything "male" that's not the slightest bit erotic to them, from bulging biceps and sixpacks all the way down to you-know-what! As for how they feel about anything in between, like kissing a guy, I guess we'd have to ask them.

And on the other hand there are CDers for whom the opposite is true: that it is specifically the notion of sex (in some form) with a guy that attracts them, even if they're not necessarily attracted to men overall. This is like being attracted to "part" of a guy without being attracted to the guy as a whole! What happens if they ever try it out I have no idea. If androphilia is involved, it's extremely fragmentary and incomplete.

Perhaps it is the phallus that attracts some people in a fetishistic fashion. But all this makes more sense to me if I view it in terms of roles. I have a suspicion that when many CDers find themselves attracted in some vague, incomplete way to the notion of dating a man, it's not so much that they find males per se so objectively erotic. Rather, it's the subjective enjoyment of playing a female role that's so gratifying, whether it's social, sexual or otherwise. This idea "fits" for many people, however different they may be as individuals. If what's enjoyable is the fantasy of "being treated like a woman by a man," without any desire whatsoever for sex with a man, clearly that's about indulging in the social pleasures of a female role. If what's alluring is the notion of sex with a man, without feeling any real erotic attraction to men as a whole, that's about indulging in the fantasy of sex in a female role: of exciting a partner sexually and being "possessed," no doubt "penetrated" in one way or another, "yielding and taking a partner's power and strength into oneself." I think this is what SHINY-J was talking about here. Needless to say, this would only feel right as long as one is "dressed for the part," en femme. It was never about "gay" male sex: not subjectively at any rate.

Do you REALLY want sex with a guy? I hope detailed questions like these will help you sort out the mixed feelings you might have about various aspects of experimenting with a male partner. I'm sure it can be a "dichotomy," as SHINY-J said: that some aspects of the idea may attract you, but others may be a turnoff. Among others I found Maria's comment illustrated this dichotomy very well: that a man's hand up her skirt, feeling her legs, was arousing, but to her, being naked with a man is "not me"! (I have to add that it's "not me" either!) How far do you really want to go? A man's hand sliding up your skirt, stroking your thigh--is that arousing to you, or is it creepy? Even if it is arousing, how about kissing a guy? Would you welcome a guy's tongue probing into your mouth? Some would, but some wouldn't. What if he's got a beard or a mustache? How does it feel? Do you like his cologne? Does any of that make any difference? Maybe you're OK with all that, so you're in private at last with your arms around his neck while you're kissing standing up. He's got his arms around your waist, clutching you against him, you can feel he's (ahem!) "turned on," eager to go, and suddenly you can feel his hands firmly unzipping your skirt down the back. Is that "arousing"--or frightening? Do you cling to him all the tighter, thinking "yes, please, do it to me!" or do you want to run right out the door? After he's taken your skirt off, are you still happy with whatever he wants to do next, when he starts unbuckling his belt and getting down to business? Come to that, what does he smell like?

These are some of the kinds of questions I think anyone should ask themselves before seriously considering sex with a guy. It does work out for some, I know. But for me at least, I agree with Tracii that some ideas are better explored in the privacy of the mind than in reality!

[Rhonda Jean]

Thanks a lot, Marianne S. I wan't planning on a cold shower this morning!

[CarolynO]

Well said Marianne.I think you summed this up very well.CDer's who fantasize about dating men basically fall into 2 groups.
1.Those who would want a full time relationship,sexual in nature and 2. those who would like to date to fulfill a strong desire take their female role a step further but not beyond that.
I fit the second.I would love being treated like a lady by a nice gentleman.Dinner,dancing,flowers and foreplay for me is so alluring but a sexual relationship is for me repugnant.
And this could only work if I'm dressed for the part,if not,the female role is gone and it's gay male sex.Would not be happy with my skirt off!

[Alice Torn]

Marrianne S. Thank you so very much for your very well thought out, important posting here. You covered all the bases, and made me think a lot. You hit it on the nail head Carolyn, you said it for me, too. I think i just have the fantasy, of playing the lady role, up to a point, but not full sex. I am not attracted to men, nor most women, but when all dolled up, fantasize about dancing with guys, being touched and caressed, but no penetration. I am realizing this is quite selfish of me, too, and i am turning away now from fulfilling the fantasy, as it is using a man for my selfish fantasy, but i would not want anything to do with being with a guy sexually in guy mode.

[Tracii G]

Alice that is so honorable to consider the man,s feelings.
I too would hate to think I used a person to just fulfill a personal fantasy.
Using people is just wrong and a horrible thing to do to someone.

[Pumped]

Sometimes I wonder if i am not bi, but then I think of sex with some big hairy guy and I want to puke! I am not sure what women find attractive with that type! Perhaps some younger, (no, not that young!), slim, petite, clean cut guy, but I still don't think I would go through with it.

No mater anyway. Happily married and not going to mess that up!

[BettyMorgan]

Maybe you need help or not but to answer your question.
There are also straight guys looking to experiment. I would stir clear of these people, at least till you have more experience. Even than they are more trouble than they're worth.

This statement is true. Some straight guys are attracted to trans women, then after sex think they have turned gay and it impacts their masculinity somehow. Then they can become violent to prove they aren't gay.

Perhaps you are bi-sexual and there's nothing wrong with that, but only you can determine if you are. Experimenting with sex isn't the answer. You have to know whether you are attracted to the male gender or not. And like most people, you know at a young age who you are attracted too way before you ever have sex.

[Nastasha]

Take care of yourself first and make sure that you are happy with you before you do anything along these lines.

Doing something with a guy was something I had thought about and flirted around the edges of going back to my high school days. I told my wife about it and we talked it over and even worked it into some of our fantasies. One day she just looked at me while we were watching TV and asked me if I really, REALLY wanted to be with a guy. Yes, I did, but didn’t know how to go about it, hence the fantasies. We have a friend who is bi that at that point we had known for about 10 years who had split with his wife because of his being bi. He was over at our place a couple times a month for dinner and movies and we had joked about a 3sum a few times when we were all a little tipsy. My wife suggested talking to him and feeling him out on it if I was serious so the next time he was over I made sure to get the alcohol flowing and jokingly brought it up. Fast forward a few months and some more drunken discussions and we had our first 3sum.

Now we get together at least once a month for a 3sum and he and I get together 2 or 3 times a month on our own. Am I worried about it? No, it’s just sex for us and our friend likes it this way too. Do I dress when he and I are together – I wear a bra and panties every day, so from that standpoint yes. He sees them when I undress, but I don’t wear anything else around him – he has no interest in it at all.

Am I glad I did it? Yes, Yes I am. Thanks to my wife I was able to explore another desire of mine and make it come true. It also verified for me that yes, I am bi as well.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Funny, it's usually the "straight guys" who want to experiment with 'girls'. Which I've always taken to mean that they want to try a little homosexual action while maintaining their "straight" definition. It seems like hetero guys can accept a little man-on-man play, if one of the men is dressed like a woman. LOTS of denial involved, methinks....

To the OP: if you want to play with a man and see what it's like, I say go for it. There is nothing wrong with a little experimentation. You might find you enjoy it, or that you don't. But you'll never know until you do try it.

But, for safety's sake, make sure your playmate knows what is under your skirt, AND read up on how to prepare for backdoor activities, if that is your goal. And for the love of all that's holy, use protection! Sex is fun, but not worth dying for.

[krissy]

be very careful my first time with a guy didnt go so good we got drunk later he asked if i would dress for him i did and after a while he got me in bed and he raped me i tried to fight him off but i was too drunk. when he finished i ran out the house back to my moms house i was 14 he was 20 to this day i regret ever putting myself in that situation. be sure its what you want and be safe .Dont drink .

[Rhonda Jean]

you know at a young age who you are attracted too way before you ever have sex.

I disagree. I think we are culturally programmed to choose straight as the default. If we grew up seeing other-than-straight relationships as equally accepted, expected, and celebrated options, we might have chosen differently. I think a lot of other-than-straight people end up in straight relationships far a lot of reasons, and they make it work to the best of their ability.

Another thing. Even on this board it seems you're supposed to be attracted to either (traditional) men or women. What about this whole middle ground that many (most? all?) of us exist within? Isn't it just possible that some combination of male and female is a legitimate and equal option and might just be the perfect recipe for some man or some woman or some person who is also a combination of both?