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Thread: Advise please

  1. #1
    New Member Leslieluv's Avatar
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    Advise please

    So i havent been on the site for sometime now. I guess ive been going through the feeling of purge. Instead of getting rid of all my stuff i decided to go a year without dressing fully in fem. Ipacked most of my stuff up in a vac bag and put it in the attic. I will still underdress with bra and panties. Why did i decide to give it up for a year. Well to be honest right now i hate being a crossdresser. Its so confusing and uncontrollable at times. I feel like doing this will help me gain control. I would love to be out to the world but thats not an option in my normal lifestyle which i love.
    I am a father to all boys and have an accepting wife. I never want my boys to know. I think this is the hardest. My wife is the only person who knows and we have came along way with my dressing. I explained my decision to give it up for a year and i try to talk to her about it but its been tough. She manages to quickly change the subject. So i feel really alone with this issue and hope you ladies can help. The whole situation leaves me with the great question why.

  2. #2
    🌹💋🌹🌺💋🎀❤️🎀💋🌺🌹💋🌹 Patience's Avatar
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    What about CDing do you find uncontrollable?

    And what's the ideal outcome you're hoping to get out of this exercise in self denial?
    ...and though she feels as if she is in a play, she is anyway...

  3. #3
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    There’s a lot to unpack here. But I think a lot of it comes down to one sentence. “I never want my boys to find out about this” Why do you feel this way? How would you feel if it turned out that one of your boys grew up to be a dresser as well, but had to live his whole life with shame and confusion because nobody ever told him “You know what? It’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with it”?

  4. #4
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    Leslie, I'm guessing that your lingerie was all that was not packed away. Why didn't you just pack everything away for a year? Your wearing same (daily?) sort of contradicts your saying that you hate being a crossdresser.

  5. #5
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    I sounds like some serious guilt being felt, Leslie, but before we call it that, do answer Patience's question.
    There are some valid reasons for suppressing the need, the impact on young children being one of them. Guilt, on the other hand, borne of the notion that "this is wrong", is not. Whatever the motivation, know that the suppression will come at some cost. Professional help will allow you to minimize that cost, or to get past the misplaced guilt. A better, happier life is possible, believe me. Some of us just need more guidance than others. <raises hand>
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

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  6. #6
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    Yes this ^^^^^^ contradiction on a high level here.

  7. #7
    Member SHINY-J's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leslieluv View Post
    So i havent been on the site for sometime now. I guess ive been going through the feeling of purge. Instead of getting rid of all my stuff i decided to go a year without dressing fully in fem. Ipacked most of my stuff up in a vac bag and put it in the attic. I will still underdress with bra and panties. Why did i decide to give it up for a year. Well to be honest right now i hate being a crossdresser. Its so confusing and uncontrollable at times. I feel like doing this will help me gain control. I would love to be out to the world but thats not an option in my normal lifestyle which i love.
    I am a father to all boys and have an accepting wife. I never want my boys to know. I think this is the hardest. My wife is the only person who knows and we have came along way with my dressing. I explained my decision to give it up for a year and i try to talk to her about it but its been tough. She manages to quickly change the subject. So i feel really alone with this issue and hope you ladies can help. The whole situation leaves me with the great question why.

    I get it... that’s s about all I can say... I honestly don’t t really have an answer, but I do understand where you’re re coming from.

    I honestly hate being a crossdresser... there are so many great things I feel when I dress... happiness, serenity, calm, thrills, excitement, optimism, satisfied, gratified, aroused, enlightened, at peace, etc... but in my social life with the ladies, it makes me feel, ashamed, disgusted, scared, fearful, frightened, depressed, defeated, guilty, etc... and it’s s really because of how short-sighted, close-minded, hateful, and ignorant many people are about crossdressing.
    Not only can I NOT tell my g/fs about my dressing, but I have to physically hide my wardrobe all the time,... I’m constantly packing everything up into boxes and stashing it away in the garage or back of the closet... I still have a over a dozen large boxes that are chocked full with clothing, heels, boots, wigs, lingerie, dresses, etc.. that I still haven’t t unpacked from my last move because I don’t t have the time or the hiding space necessary to have access to it but also keep it out of sight from guests at my house.

    I guess I was just born too soon... at some point in the future, I believe there will be understanding, tolerance, and even acceptance for CDs... after all, in terms of acceptance, while it isn’t t where it should be, it’s s still better now than it’s s ever been before... and it’s s only going to get better. But theres no way it happens in my lifetime.

    If there was a pill I could take and make the dressing desires and urges go away, I would take it in a heartbeat.. I think most would.

    Maybe in another time or another place...
    Last edited by SHINY-J; 11-24-2019 at 04:40 PM.

  8. #8
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    I can relate to what Leslie and Shiny wrote. I have not met one GG in my age range who likes men CDing. I am lifetime single, 65, and if i could take the pill, to cure me of it, i would too. As it affects my interactions with both men and women, and stunts my confidence with people. i have anew dress, and pantyhose, and another dress from Ebay on the way, but had a near terrible highway crash this week, and am still shaken, and no interest in any dressing now. I was inches from being no more in the land of the living Tuesday night. It is ok to not dress if you dont want to. And take a break.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  9. #9
    Silver Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    You are by no means alone in how it makes you feel. No one can tell you how you should feel about this, they don't know your family, they don't know your situation, they don't know your relationship with your wife.

    Unfortunately, there are no good answers. We all struggle with this. If you were able to manage the dressing for a year, that is certainly something you can lean on when necessary. But please don't feel alone in these feelings, you are not.

    Quote Originally Posted by SHINY-J View Post
    If there was a pill I could take and make the dressing desires and urges go away, I would take it in a heartbeat.. I think most would.
    Amen........
    Pictures and stories of every time out: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131254150@N06/.

    Google "Kandi's Land" and visit my blog for positive and uplifting posts!

  10. #10
    dress to feel the energy Shely's Avatar
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    Sounds very familiar. I would also be 100% done with it right now if I only could. I have purged and quit several times and I do hate the burden it places on my family. We have been happily married for almost 50 years and this is the only thing that really comes between us. We have a DADT situation which is better than nothing. I also have two grown daughters and several grand children who I don't want to ever find out about my hobby. But I do love the dressing. I think most of us here can relate if not totally agree with you, at least I can for sure. But did I say I do love it. I wish there was something that I could offer in the way of advice, but you and your wife re on your own in this difficult subject.
    https://www.flickr.com/photos/lovethatdress/

  11. #11
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I can tell y what I did to get control of my dressing, Leslie. But, u won't like it!
    I dress whenever the desire to, comes up!

    After not being able to control my constant thots of dressing and women's things? I told myself I would dress whenever the desire struck me. I had a family that didn't know with 2 young kids at the time. I dressed after midnite when all were asleep. I dressed in hotel rooms, my car, at lunch, in a spare room at work, and a storage garage. After 3 months of that? I was so sick of dressing the desire vanished!

    Folks here said it would return. 3 months later it did. And, I promised myself I would continue to dress whenever the impulse hit me. That was 12 years ago. But now, dressing 2 to 4 times a month has completely satisfied me during that time!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    There is no explanation as to why. All I know is I wanted to do it at a young age (like 7), and I want to do it 55 years later. Fortunately, I made peace with myself a long time ago, once I realized there were many others like myself.

    My belief is all guys have a kink--just look at all the porn variations if you don't believe me.

    Yes, I understand that dressing per se is not a kink. But guys have a wide range of sexual interests. If not wishing to dress, it would be something else. How can anyone know the alternate interest would be any more acceptable to your partner?

    If it's been a year and you are no further along, then your "solution" didn't work.

    I suggest you find a sex positive counselor and discuss your issues. The urge isn't going to go away, but you can hopefully change your ability to deal with it.

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member
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    As long as you're under dressing you're STILL cd'ing. If you're gonna' give it up you have to give it ALL up.
    Jon

  14. #14
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    A case of wants to but doesn't want to.

  15. #15
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Leslie,

    Reading your post I reached the conclusion that you like so many of us have, have fallen victim to the social pressures we learned as children. Put simply, boys will be boys and dress in blue. Girls will be girls and dress in pink. Any deviation from that is well, deviation. Getting rid of those notions is a very difficult thing to do. It was part of our childhood.

    To be caught wearing clothes of the opposite sex when young by a parent would crash your world around you. To now accept that those rules were falsehoods takes a huge amount of re calibration.

    Your attempt to stop is a measure of just deeply ingrained those rules still are. Until you accept that while they may have applied back when but don't anymore then you're always going to struggle. As for the underdressing, I'm with others on this. Either stop or don't. Underdressing is still CD'ing and will be considered by some as a form of perversion. No-one here will see it that way but the knuckle draggers well could.

    I understand you're desire to keep it from your boys. It can place significant burdens upon them to keep that secret if you're not out to the wider world. There is always the potential for bullying at school.

    There is always a way if the willingness is there to dress. However you first have to make the decision that you want to dress and to discard those long held ingrained sociologically outdated beliefs.


    Quote Originally Posted by SHINY-J View Post

    If there was a pill I could take and make the dressing desires and urges go away, I would take it in a heartbeat.. I think most would.
    Not me and as this has been proposed before my recollection is that most wouldn't.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Leslie, your situation is not uncommon at all. So, first realize you are not alone and your thinking about this is to be expected under the circumstances. That said, there is a need here and complete suppression will not likely make it go away for a long time. I think your solution of underdressing is not a bad thing or a contradiction. I think it is currently your mode of dealing with the feelings that are very likely inherent. And your consideration of your boys is a noble one. Micki does have a point though. It is possible, but not proven, that this behavior has an inheritable genetic link and you may one day find one of your boys is also like you. Possible, but not likely. Look and watch closely for patterns that you recall in you. If they are there he is going to need your support and personal understanding.

    One factor in all of this identity thing is that if it is inherent then it does not necessarily require full expression with the total transformation we love to do. Femininity, at whatever level in a male or a female is not a thing; it is an activity, a behavior pattern that affects much of our personality. Perhaps you can translate your feelings and desires into a more sensitive behavior; that is, more sensitive than is normally the expectation for a male. I am not talking about effeminate but enhancing such elements as sympathy, empathy, compassion, and tenderness. I see in your post those elements, but maybe they need a booster shot. Going whole hog with being viewed as an alpha male is not necessarily a good thing. The fact is, a lot of women and more sensitive men do not appreciate that behavior. In short, if that is uncomfortable, which I think in you is probably the case, then ignore the urge to do that to compensate for the more feminine basics you feel and attempt to hide it behind a false behavior. It doesn't work. I did that at times over 60 years and it just made everybody miserable and fearful of me. High price to pay for something that doesn't work. If we are honest with anyone it is most important to be honest with ourselves and adapt that to your circumstances.

    Perhaps you should think a little more deeply about who you are and how you would like to be during this period of a partial downturn in the dressing behavior. I don't think there is anything wrong with what you have done or are doing - we are all different. But I do get a sense that you might not be thinking about it with a broad enough view to find other outlets that would be very "respectable" and embraced and accepted by others. In the end, you may not need the full dressing but you may very much need the feminine behavioral traits that go along with that identity. And finally, Aunt Kelly's suggestion of seeing a professional should be seriously considered. They can help you sort things out a bit better.

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member NancyJ's Avatar
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    Leslie, As others have indicated, most of us have experienced similar feelings. I believe it is about deeply held shame that accompanies our gender dysphoria. There are all sorts of societal messages that reinforce this. Until you come to terms with the reality of your gender identity, you will feel somehow less than others. Embracing yourself does not mean that you need to come out to the world, or certainly, not to your boys, it only means that you accept who you are on the transgender continuum. Sounds like you ARE one of us! Nancy

  18. #18
    Sort of a n00b Pixie_94's Avatar
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    Leslie, you know that you have gotten a golden opportunity? You said that your wife accepts you like that.

    Have you seen at least how many "don't ask, don't tell" stories are here in this forum? There's many and they often involve tension, discussions, fights and/or divorce. Come on! I don't want to sound harsh, but you have gotten what people here would call an achievement.

    Now, about your kids, I have no idea of how your wife and you have raised them, but I can suppose you both have guided them into being people that it's nice to talk to and that don't have as many prejudices as previous generations. If that's the case, there shouldn't be any problem with them eventually knowing the truth, or do you prefer it to blow up in a really unexpected, sudden and scary way?

    Patience and Aunt Kelly have strong points, by the way.

    Have a nice day.

  19. #19
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Been there done that.
    Learned a long time ago that a purge is not the answer.
    That desire always comes screaming back at me. First I said, well it's just a pair of pantyhose, then well I should have a bra too, then well I might as well wear a dress and not be half-naked.

    for so long I felt the guilt and the shame and the fear of discovery. I had to accept myself before I could unburden all that weight. I had to realize that this is part of who I am and these feelings make me who I am as much as anything else in my being. It's not easy. For sure we understand your boys not finding out. It's a tightrope act trying to be who we are and yet not having someone else find out.
    You are still a crossdresser. You are still wearing women's underwear. The fact that your shoes and dresses and such are vacuum packed away doesn't change who you are. You just need to find out how much of this you need to be you and how much you can live without.
    Perhaps talking to a professional will help clarify things.

  20. #20
    Member Bea_'s Avatar
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    My take on your post is that, if you feel the need for a temporary distancing from parts of your dressing, you should follow your gut/instincts. Even if you don?t make it a certain predetermined period of time, (a year), it will give you some breathing room.

    I, personally, can definitely understand the feelings of disconnection with much of the world around us based solely on the fact that our tastes are different from the ?norm?. I came to find myself being a crossdresser years after my kids were grown and can only imagine the complications of having children in our situation.

    You say that your wife is accepting, but then that she changes the subject when it?s brought up. From what little I can know from your post, I'd say that her 'acceptance' comes across more as 'tolerance'. Forgive me if I'm misinterpreting since I may be interjecting my personal story into yours. An underlying feeling that she wants it just to go away could weigh heavily into your feelings. We all hate the feelings of being a disappointment to those we love.
    “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” - Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member jacques's Avatar
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    hello Leslieluv,
    you do not say how old your children are.
    I have never dressed in front of my children nor have I told them about it; but they very probably know. Probably because I did not want to embarrass them - parents are embarrassing enough, anyway! We will always love our children however old they are and do anything for them even putting aside our own wishes.
    the only piece of advice I can give you is that everything changes - you present situaution will not last for ever.
    luv J

  22. #22
    New Member Leslieluv's Avatar
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    Ok let me give you a little back story
    So my wife is not fully accepting we are actually in a dadt situation. She doesnt want to see leslie. Its my fault i pushed it on her to soon and i dont blame her. She hasnt left me and doesnt expect me to stop. She doesnt mind me under dressing either. That is why i still do it. She explains to me her take is like smoking cigs she doesnt like but wong leave me over it. Like most of us im over thinking everything.the tinking about crossdressing and fantasies are the uncontrollable part to it. Ive come to terms with bieng a crossdresser but sometimes i just dont like bieng one. I am an alpha male brought up by alpha s work and socailize everyday with alpha males. I like bieng and alpha male. But i love the feeling of dressing as a woman. Its so confusing and makes no sense. All this really makes me ask who am i

  23. #23
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    A highly decorated Navy Seal is now a transitioned TS. I have seen cops and firemen, and military and construction guy on here, too.. Part of me thinks it is also an escape from the alpha male testosterone filled environment and world.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  24. #24
    Member Bea_'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leslieluv View Post
    Ok let me give you a little back story
    So my wife is not fully accepting we are actually in a dadt situation. She doesnt want to see leslie. Its my fault i pushed it on her to soon and i dont blame her. She hasnt left me and doesnt expect me to stop. She doesnt mind me under dressing either. That is why i still do it. She explains to me her take is like smoking cigs she doesnt like but wong leave me over it. Like most of us im over thinking everything.the tinking about crossdressing and fantasies are the uncontrollable part to it. Ive come to terms with bieng a crossdresser but sometimes i just dont like bieng one. I am an alpha male brought up by alpha s work and socailize everyday with alpha males. I like bieng and alpha male. But i love the feeling of dressing as a woman. Its so confusing and makes no sense. All this really makes me ask who am i
    Thanks for the clarification...

    No one would ever accuse me of being alpha. Never was and it never bothered me. I was always independent, more Omega or lone wolf type. So I cannot say much to that part of your post. But, I would say that if your fantasies move towards anyone other than your wife, you should definitely move away from the source of ignition. I don't have that problem as ALL of my fantasies involve my wife's acceptance moving towards enthusiastic embracing of who I am. I would love to be free to be open with my taste to the world at large, but it's mainly an unconditional appreciation by my wife that would be my main goal.

    It's much easier for me and my wife as we were empty nesting when my appreciation of feminine things became a thing. I can definitely understand the reluctance for my sons to be aware of my taste. I hope that it will eventually be something that would bring you and your wife closer.
    “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” - Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

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