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Thread: HRT while outside life as male

  1. #1
    Member Carolina's Avatar
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    HRT while outside life as male

    I?m on my third week of HRT. 15 months with laser on my beard (I hate even that word), 4 months on laser on my chest, 15 months with my gender psychologist and 3 months with the specialized psychologist and the endocrinologist for HRT. They all agree with my starting HRT, and my strong willingness to transition. However socially and work wise it is not really possible to transition at the moment.
    I want to go all the way with HRT, but is there a limit with work? Can I lead a double life, as the real me at home but dressed as male at work and socially even with HRT? I?m a transwoman who unfortunately needs to present most of the time as a male for the outside world.
    My wife knows about it but is not supportive at all. She allows me to be me at home as long as nobody else sees me. Unfortunately in no uncertain terms she told me that she would leave me (and the country) if I leave full time as a woman. Not great but I can?t deny any more who I am. I could ?hide? it for the outside world that knows me but I don?t think I can stop my transition.
    I feel to be making progress as the trans woman I am, with my laser treatments, epilating the rest of my body and like having manicured hands (light or transparent matte finish) and toenails (bright pink). Whenever I go the hospital to see the endo I love going as Carolina, among ?muggles? who don?t know me. But then I have to change to my boring suit, remove makeup and any trace of who I am to leave the hospital back to the corporate world.
    I?m fairly thin so with HRT I don?t expect a lot of fat transfer anywhere, nor a lot of breast growth (though I?d love it, but also understand that it could be the end of my ?double life?...). Summer time may become more challenging at the beach with any, however small, breast growth.
    Does it all make sense? Is there a limit to this double life beyond an unlikely potential big breast growth? This is a topic I keep bringing with my counselor, but I don?t get any definitive answer.
    Apologies for the rambling...

  2. #2
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    ”This is a topic I keep bringing with my counselor, but I don?t get any definitive answer.”

    Carolina, if you have a good counselor, you will not get a definitive answer. Rather the counselor will help you find your answer.

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    She allows me to be me at home as long as nobody else sees me.
    Keep working with your wife, doctor/counselor to mitigate the numerous speed bumps (no pun intended) but definitely risks vs rewards. The size will depend on hereditary genetic females in your family.
    I live in CT and love to meet like minded friends....

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member MarieTS's Avatar
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    Carolina, the crossroads you are at create a real challenge for high earners. It is almost a no-win situation. Stay closeted except for nonworking hours and you are essentially a TV. Go fulltime and you lose your job and along with it the means to pay for your transition. You have to have a plan and phase-in your transition over time. Eventually you get to the point where you just say the hell with it and go full time, consequences be damned. That is when you know you have turned the corner and truly transitioned.
    Marie

  5. #5
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    this is now the "cake or eat it" moment. To be true, you will go ahead, and European Law does not allow for discrimination against you, so fight it. Paradoxically, at work you might have to "(wo)man-up" and own it. If you are truly in your own power, there is nowhere for anyone else to go but to accept and move on. It changes nothing on competence.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

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  6. #6
    Member Carolina's Avatar
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    Laura, you are right, my regular counselor who knows me well doesn?t push me on any direction and lets me talk through the issues. She knows the stakes at work and socially. The other counselor at the hospital is much more direct (not knowing my background well) and tells me to come out to my kids asap (they are living and studying abroad), to my sister, and basically come out at work while hiring a divorce lawyer. A bit abrupt for my liking.

    Marie, absolutely, I am not a public figure, but reasonably known and respected in business and social circles. This would be a shock. But I don?t really want to be a closeted CD, I?ve come to the conclusion of who I really am. The issue is how to get there limiting the damage (understanding that there will be damage to my life as I know it and to others). I have thought of the possibility of throwing all out, moving houses, quitting work and moving my life to start fresh on my own. But we are social animals and need some social support as well, my kids will always be my kids, plus we tend to need to work.

    Pamela, I agree, the law is trans friendly and should protect me, but there are ways corporates can fight it. My goal is not to be compensated for letting me go under whichever pretext (it is certainly illegal to fire anyone for being trans). I would love to keep doing my job, or a less client or businessworld facing one, as the woman I am. I came out to one of my best friends (he happens to be gay). He tells me that my resume is still the same and companies would fight for me. That?s what you would expect from a good friend, but the reality of trans women seems to be far more difficult, and the top corporate ladders do not tend to be very trans friendly. I should not have any illusions. I am not aware of any trans woman as member of the board of directors of a public company, although someone has to be the first one.

    Taking the final step I dream about would mean happiness but likely no job, ostracism from social circles, likely divorce which I don?t like, and keeping very few friends. I guess I would not be any different to many trans women on this forum. Thus my desire to cross that bridge whenever I get there after months or years of HRT, while transitioning and coming out to more and more people, even if it is done at a snail pace...

  7. #7
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Carolina View Post
    Taking the final step I dream about would mean happiness but likely no job, ostracism from social circles, likely divorce which I don?t like, and keeping very few friends. I guess I would not be any different to many trans women on this forum. Thus my desire to cross that bridge whenever I get there after months or years of HRT, while transitioning and coming out to more and more people, even if it is done at a snail pace...
    Carolina, I believe this is a pessimistic, worst case scenario. I know you are dealing with fear, but I believe it is fed by such thoughts. We really do not know the future and how our transition will be received. I was surprised; pleasantly by those who accepted me and shockingly by those who rejected me.

    I feel like we are sisters in this, especially that we are at opposite ends of the Mediterranean but very close in our life struggles.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MarieTS View Post
    Carolina, the crossroads you are at create a real challenge for high earners. It is almost a no-win situation. Stay closeted except for nonworking hours and you are essentially a TV. Go fulltime and you lose your job and along with it the means to pay for your transition. You have to have a plan and phase-in your transition over time. Eventually you get to the point where you just say the hell with it and go full time, consequences be damned. That is when you know you have turned the corner and truly transitioned.
    Don't I know it. My transition is, by choice, proceeding slowly. I am one of those "high earners" and simply can't afford to put that at risk. The plan is to take the final steps in transition (social and surgical) at or near retirement in a few years. I say "the plan" because I am not sure if I can make it that far, but that is the aim, because it will be easier.

    All the other stuff, family and friends, is beyond our control once transition is complete, so spend what time and energy you have, Carolina, finding the path that will be the least destructive. Counseling will probably help, but it is likely that some things will inevitably break along the path. Just make sure that you're not one of those things.
    Well, somebody has to make up that base of the bell curve that defines "normal".
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  9. #9
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Carolina, I sort of know where you are at! Not with the wife or friends! My wife died and so many of my friends also! The rest of my friends moved away for whatever reasons! But one day, I finally had enough of my indecision and came out to my office manager and a fellow employee! They were receptive to me coming out! I now am out (with pictures) to everyone but one person at work! Yes, I am out with pictures to the boss/owner of the nursing home! One employee has actually seen Lana Mae out at a restaurant! The staff Christmas party is Thursday Dec. 5 and Lana Mae will attend! I live in very conservative North Carolina and all at work said I have to be me! I have not had anyone speak against me! Sometimes we just have to do it and damn the torpedoes! You will know when, you just will! Lots of good advise here! Best wishes on your journey! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
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  10. #10
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    to answer your original question, yes you can. i?m at 13 months on hrt, a little breast development, some fat redistribution and my face has changed a bit. my facial hair is mostly gone and i?m growing my hair out. no one has said a thing. you can always wear compression t shirts, binders designed for ftm trans people and loose or patterned shirts over the undershirts.
    ?If you're not sure about the transition ... well ... I think what finally helped me sort things out was trying to focus on what future I really would be happy with. Not even happy so much as what I could handle. And I just couldn't handle the idea of the next 20 years pretending I was a guy.?
    -raquel june

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    You can also wear something other than plain white undershirts.

    I have pecs that look exactly like a nice set of 32A boobs.

    If you keep your weight down your body won't have any extra fat to store.

    Marion

  12. #12
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Carolina,
    I'm sure you appreciate this situation isn't going to get any easier .

    I can understand you wanting to progress but I've come to the conclusion it may may not make so much difference to my life , I go out comfortably full time as Teresa without these steps . Being hair free is a pain in the butt but again I accept twenty minutes each day shaving leaves me hair free , hormones aren't magic pills not everyone gets the results they expect .

    Living the double life needs resolving it can tear you apart , my marriage ended through these issues , it's still not perfect but sometimes you may need to stand back and say , " This is as good as it gets , life isn't perfect !"
    Last edited by Teresa; 12-02-2019 at 06:15 PM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  13. #13
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    Hi Carolina,
    I started HRT 2 years ago, thinking I will be leaving double life. I don't anymore. It is not because I can't pull it off. It is because I couldn't mentally do it. The desire to stop pretending was very strong. The more you will see the woman looking back at you, the harder it could be to keep her in the closet / behind closed curtains of the house. Sure, low dosages, compression shirts - I got it all but it is all in the past. Just keep it in mind that dysphoria can get worse from this lifestyle, not less.
    Katya

  14. #14
    Member Kim Young's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Carolina View Post
    I am not aware of any trans woman as member of the board of directors of a public company, although someone has to be the first one.
    The co-founder of SiriusXM, Martine Rothblatt, already beat you to it. I don't know if she still is, but at one time she was the highest paid woman in America. That's great for her but I'm not sure what it says about the glass ceiling for genetic women.

    Whatever you decide, good luck Carolina.

  15. #15
    Senior Member JaytoJillian's Avatar
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    Wow, so many of these comments resonated with me. Kinda in the same boat as the OP. I feel as if I am bursting at the seams sometimes. Y'all remind me that I'm not alone. None of us are.
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  16. #16
    Just can't help myself! Brenda456's Avatar
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    HRT makes me feel much better internally. I can’t explain it, but I know how I feel. Externally, the changes are not profoundly noticeable (at least in my case). My advice is simple. Everyone and their circumstances are different. Do what is best for you.

  17. #17
    Madam Ambassador Heidi Stevens's Avatar
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    I will be 5 years on HRT this coming March and still presenting as a Male 95% of the time. The why is to keep my marriage to the woman I love and still love for over 30 years. I?m happy, she?s happy and no one has questioned my appearance. They have questioned my improved demeanor. Everyone has noticed the improvement on that front.
    We all react different. Supposedly you have 6 months or so after starting HRT to get off and revert back. So if you do try and don?t like the results, you can bail. Good luck.
    Be yourself. Everyone else is taken!

  18. #18
    Senior Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    I live in southern California and when it rains people.ge really call it "bad weather". When They say that I usually answer that as weather was in the days of cowboys when to travel raining was really bad but today is a bless. What I want to tell you? It is that what sounds bad for you today couldn't be so bad tomorrow when circumstances will change the bad things today can be good tomorrow.
    That is my own experience. I couldn't sleep so many nights, for years just for dysphoria, then when I decided to move forward, I had problems thinking the same things as you. Today I'm 19 months on HRT living 99% of the time as who I am, woman (just some weekends I don't go out because I have electrolysis mondays morning and don shave and being a woman with that hated dark shadow of beard or looking as a Male with boobs and other female features doesn't make feel good). My life is better now and I already overpasses a lot of situation without living those bad expectations I had in my mind.
    See my daily posts and pics on tumblr, just look for @sexyvane,
    At Instagram @nessatrans,

    Facebook, Vanessa Grandy from riverside, california.

  19. #19
    Silver Fox Sheren Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim Young View Post
    The co-founder of SiriusXM, Martine Rothblatt, already beat you to it.
    Dr Rothblatt sold Sirius and founded United Therapeutics. I attended her presentation "Moonshots into Earthshots" at Carnegie Science Institute last March.
    Do a internet search to learn of her amazing story. She is truly inspiring.
    CarnegieScience_Mar2019-3.jpg
    Last edited by Sheren Kelly; 12-03-2019 at 08:47 AM.
    Warmly,
    Sheren Kelly

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