Worked at the lake home last weekend

[Star01]

Disclaimer, I'm not depressed or suicidal and have always charted my own course. I am merely pointing some things out about myself and am not going to do anything rash. I plan on getting some therapy after the first of the year for the first time in my life. I have thought through and worked through traumatic events but they were nowhere near as complicated as my crossdressing which will require some help.

I spent two days working at a family shared lake home and spending both nights there alone. It's located near the end of a dead end road in Wisconsin and is the last winterized home surrounded by seasonal cabins. It's not far from civilization but still very quiet around the lake this time of year.

After being there for a few hours I decided to do some shopping as I needed hand lotion and body lotion. I made the rounds and purchased a three pack of a brand of ladies bikini panties I have grown fond of at one store then got lotion and two pairs of women's black tights at another (black skin tight tights are awesome). Next up was a stop at the thrift store where I took my boldest shopping step to date and purchased three necklaces and two dresses which is a first for me. I had dresses years ago but they had been culled from bags of clothing left in my garage after a garage sale that were destined for thrift store donation. It wasn't crowded and buying dresses was surprisingly much easier than I had imagined at the thrift store. The shopping ice has been broken and I'm going to do it again, and again, and...

The internet isn't connected, the television wasn't accessible due to our project and my phone data signal cut out in the afternoon and never came back. Seeing as I was destined to spend the night in deafening silence I poured myself a glass of wine, got dressed and setup to take photos. After taking photos I found myself staring out the window at the the snow covered lake and thinking about my recent return to dressing and doubling down on feminizing my presentation. I have been going up there for fifty years and have had some epiphanies as the silence and lack of electronics forces one to look inside. As I sat there thinking about how good everything felt something came over me and I got caught up in the emotions of the moment and cried. After I regained my composure I had to laugh at myself sitting there with a glass of wine in my hand crying. I only had two glasses, the first with dinner and I sipped half of the second while taking photos so the cry was a genuine emotion and not induced by alcohol. The reason I found the situation funny was that I have done guy things such as fishing and sighting in bows there and now here I was dressed like a proper lady holding a half full glass of wine crying.

The peace and quiet led me to think back to my childhood, about being a crossdresser and how everything else throughout my life ties back to that secret. I thought about how my parents had only been married for several years before I was born in 1951 and recalled hearing the stories about my mother?s miscarriages before I came along. My mother died in August of 1961 from a cancerous tumor on her pituitary gland that the doctors surmised had been there for years and had caused her miscarriages. Out of curiosity I revisited that recently and looked up the function of the pituitary in pregnancy. I found out that the pituitary is connected to the development of sexual organs and to my surprise it secretes two specific hormones that are thought to influence gender identity in the unborn fetus. According to the website endocrinologyadvisor.com the tumor would likely have affected levels of the LH and FSH hormones which I believe affected me in the womb. If anyone is interested you can google ?Prenatal endocrine influences on sexual orientation and on sexually differentiated childhood behavior? published on the US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health website. If gender dysphoria can be traced to a physical cause I can't imagine many more examples of a possible cause than mine.


My mother's death was followed by the death of a stepmother and two-day old baby half brother. My step mother died from toxemia and the step brother was a blue baby and didn't survive. We had sold our house and moved into my step mother?s home. After she died and some time went by I discovered her clothes in the attic and that was the beginning of my crossdressing. I had stumbled across my dad's porn magazines around that time and was going through puberty so that had to have an effect on me. My father ended up having a massive heart attack one morning in April of 1965. I tried to revive him but as a kid who didn't have a clue what CPR even was (they didn't teach it in schools in those days) I was unsuccessful and it took me a few decades to work through the guilt from that. That ended my early dressing as I was shipped off to live with my paternal grandparents who must have saw something about me that concerned them as they kept trying to immerse me in manly things the whole time I lived there. In 1969 I was advised that the money my grandparents got from the state would expire on my eighteenth birthday and I needed to find another place to live. That turned out to be working on a catapult crew launching planes off an aircraft carrier, a very dangerous job that would be one of several dangerous things I did. In retrospect I always knew in the back of my mind that part of me doing those extreme things was to prove my manliness which was always an elusive thing for me. I won't go any further into my past but when I approach it while holding it up to my crossdressing I can see common threads.

Recently after posting a few times in the crossdressers section something caused me to check out the transsexual section and I was shocked by how so many of the posts resonated with me. I'm not saying that I fall into that category as that is something I would not wish for but if it's what I am it's something I won't be able to change and will need to learn how to cope with it or evaluate the other choices. When I mention my angst it's simply a constant feeling that something about me isn't the same as other men. I have daydreamed many times throughout my life about being a woman instead of a man but never attempted self harm or anything like that. I found that for every thought and experience I have had that there were several posts from others who experienced the same things as me. The similarities are getting my attention and I'm only up to page 117 in that forum section.

I have mentioned charting my own path through the years so here is my plan regarding my crossdressing and other concerns. Don't rock the boat right before the holidays as there's too much going on for my wife to deal with this. Lineup a therapist and tell my wife I need to deal with some stress without letting on about the details. She has suggested therapy in the past so If I'm cool about telling her it should buy me some time to sort things out before I have to have "the" conversation. I don't want to tell her any details until I know what my situation is. I see that there are different degrees of dysphoria that require different treatment options so there will be a lot to digest.

Thanks for your patience reading this long post.black-dress-standing.jpg