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Thread: My Elephant has left the room...

  1. #26
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    Hey Rhonda, I'm not trying to be intentionally obtuse. I'm simply figuring out if there is a way to somehow get back on my happy path. I sense that it could happen soon.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  2. #27
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Glad to hear that now that you simplified it. Thanks for your question Rhonda. I didn't know how to phrase one. Good luck Sara, I know you are doing it at your pace and in your way. Your way is the best for you because it is the result of your mature reasoning. If it doesn't work out one way, why not try another. Your life and your plan. Good luck.

    Allie

  3. #28
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    Sara,

    I've missed you both here and at DLV, but know enough to trust you to balance everything properly to fit in your world. I was discussing the "closet" with someone recently and got them to see that the decision to be on one side of the door or the other isn't always just about one's self. We balance our future with the ones we love and care about with those other things that drive us along. I stayed mostly hidden until years after my wife passed away, I was retired and my kids no longer needed to depend on me. Meeting those needs and expectations more than made up for the time I spent not being fully myself.

    Just having you drop in from time to time here lets me know you are safe, sound and moving forward, and that's a good thing.

    Take Care.


    Quote Originally Posted by VeronicaMoonlit View Post
    . . . though the thread reminded me of the absent-from-these-boards Kathi Lake.
    I can tell you that Kathi is well, looking and living just fine these days, just not visiting this forum much. Going over the roll call, I will admit I remain concerned about Karren Hutton and miss her terribly.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  4. #29
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    Hi Sarah, I miss you so much and really appreciate hearing your thoughts. I'm sorry about DLV this year but cancellation is totally a no-brainer. It probably shouldn't have taken so long to come to that conclusion but I can only imagine if one of my DLV years was in jeopardy, I'd have probably lost my mind at the thought of cancellation.

    Needless to say, this year, not so much personally but it doesn't take away from my understanding as to what the event means to so many people, and many friends. I hope to return someday. After all, I need to retake my avatar !!!

    As for Kathi Lake, please send her my love. I'm glad you are still in touch.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  5. #30
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    So I'm thinking I didn't start this thread at the right time.

    But when is the right time? I thought it could be therapeutic in the sense of bringing me back towards who I once was. It didn't despite my hopes. Then this CV thing happened.

    Early this morning, I awoke just before 5:00 a.m. I am one of the lucky ones, fully employed and able to work from home. I don't start until 8:00 a.m. so I had in mind to perhaps put something on. Mornings used to be part of my regimen, the wee hours between 4:30 a.m. and 7:00 a.m.-ish when at least having the opportunity for expression would help me navigate the rest of my day. This has long since been replaced by...nothing.

    Something? Today? No. What was it that dissuaded me?

    Shame.

    Yep. For the first time in probably 20+ years, I allowed a sense of shame to keep me from exercising a method of expression that for many years, 29 days out of every 30, was part of my normal.

    The new normal is a trip. The only consolation during this CV thing is that I'm not pining for anything. No feeling sorry for myself that I cannot express myself. For that I am grateful.

    And confused.

    I hope everyone here is safe. I think about you all daily, believe it or not.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  6. #31
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    Sara, your elephant may have just focused on the reality of mortality. I feel we here live in a "bubble world" where we feel that what goes on with the muggles of the world doesn't, or shouldn't have have anything to do with our needs and wants to do as we please. The sad reality is that the real world is out there and in this case it
    is smacking all of us with a sobering thought. There just might be something out there that even a crossdresser has trouble dealing with.
    Joanne

  7. #32
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sara Jessica View Post
    . . . . .
    Something? Today? No. What was it that dissuaded me?

    Shame.

    Yep. For the first time in probably 20+ years, I allowed a sense of shame to keep me from exercising a method of expression that for many years, 29 days out of every 30, was part of my normal.

    The new normal is a trip. The only consolation during this CV thing is that I'm not pining for anything. No feeling sorry for myself that I cannot express myself. For that I am grateful.

    And confused.

    I hope everyone here is safe. I think about you all daily, believe it or not.
    Sara Jessica,

    Shame sucks as a motivator to do anything, right or wrong. For me it usually means I'm allowing others to define me and how I should be feeling. That's not saying it doesn't work to keep us from upsetting some very important apple carts. But it's worth figuring out how much power you are willing to give to others over your own feelings, needs and choices. I'm still not fulling in control, so don't look to me to lead. But I just wanted to let you, a friend, know I'm walking a similar path and you aren't alone.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  8. #33
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
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    So, you lack the motivation to be motivated? Not so strange. I'm home more than ever, alone, and can find zero motivation to dress, do my makeup, or anything. I'm just not one to dress to stay home. I am TRYING to find some motivation but it's just not there. I really miss it! The motivation, that is. It adds such spice to life! I look forward to it coming back with a vengeance!

    Something else I look forward to is you finally telling this story!!! Sounds like maybe the elephant has not gone far. And what's with this shame you speak of? I know your history on this forum pretty well. Your vocabulary is pretty precise, so I know that's not a throw away term for you. I'm surprised to hear that coming from you. All this mystery is killing me!

  9. #34
    Platinum Member
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    I'm glad some other ladies raised the question of "shame." I have followed the threads of some of the ladies on this forum and that includes you. I never saw any inkling of "shame." It was not too long ago you and Tracii chided me indirectly on a "panty thread." It wasn't too many months ago you seemed to be quite comfortable with yourself.

    Personally, I went through a period of shame, self loathing and disgust which I can only assume a great many cross dressers go through. Some may never overcome these feelings. On the other hand I do acknowledge life may be and would have been a lot easier to never have been a cross dresser. That does not mean I or someone is ashamed. I wish I could share this side of me with, at least, my wife. I suspect there is a lot of self limiting of expression.

    For anyone intent on ridding themselves of this form of expression I hope you're successful.

  10. #35
    Junior Member justnikki's Avatar
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    My dear friend,

    There are no rules, you are in charge of your destiny your life and all that matters is your happiness, family and safety. You taught me so much and we've had so much fun going out over the years. Happy to chat at any time just call me you know the number...

    As we've discussed recently, the world is a different place today, (forget COVID-19), in regard to how one presents themselves. I feel that there is a lot more acceptance today than 1 year or even 6 months ago. As you know I am a walking billboard for that as you know...

    Breathe, be safe, love yourself and don't compromise with your happiness.

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