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Thread: Here I go again

  1. #1
    Finally feeling happy simoneisatg's Avatar
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    Here I go again

    Oh god

    My family are away for a few days and I've been dressing intensely. I can feel it all building again, just when I thought I had my life under control

    You see, the problem is that while my wife knows, she is scared about where it can lead. And so am I to be perfectly honest. If I was to be clear about where my head is with her, she would be horribly affected, and while the desire to dress is immense for me, my desire to protect my beautiful wife from pain is stronger. This leaves me in a no-win hell. My head is splitting.

    I don't know what to do.

    I was in a space where the balance was right. I'd dress occasionally, with her blessing, and that seemed enough. But these past days I've been in girl mode 100% and the pink fog is descending rapidly.

    This post isn't seeking advice, as I've heard it all before. It's more cathartic, if anything.

    Best
    Simone

  2. #2
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    I can empathize. My religion condemns crossdressing, and i am torn inside out with conflict and guilt all my life. Sometimes, us in great conflict and torn inside out need to just vent our sorrows or die!
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 12-31-2019 at 05:53 PM.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN. See my photos and videos on FLICKR - Alice Longstems.

  3. #3
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Hi Simone, I have a lot of the same feelings. I know my wife will never cave in on the dressing. I don?t push my luck because I don?t want to hurt her and don?t want the fights it would bring on if I forced the issue, so I choose to dress in secret. I have a very long introduction that goes into the details. My only take on it is that you are not alone, and I can sympathize with your situation.

    Best wishes for the new year

    Sandi

  4. #4
    Princess Candice candykowal's Avatar
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    Oh, please don't do any New Years resolutions like giving up and purging, that is just hopeless.
    Be thankful you can be happy and enjoy these times you are alone.
    So many people have a hard time occupying free time by themselves and go into a depression.
    We have the ability to uplift our spirits in a euphoric, playful experience, not normally perceived when in the company of others.
    It is a gift to cherish and embrace....enjoy these times...and Happy new Year!

  5. #5
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    Simone, I am in the same situation as you. Yes, my wife knows, but, she in no way offers any encouragement. Total silence. I can understand having the pink fog roll in and loosing any sense to balance. If my wife gave me her blessings I'd be ecstatic. I've had my episodes of 24/7 when my wife went to visit her cousin out of state for more than a week. With her full retirement there is no balance anymore. The seesaw is weighted against me.

    Tonight my wife is babysitting overnight for our daughter and son-in-law. Yep, I am fully en femme and feel terrific. It is raining which I love when I am out for an evening stroll. Fewer people out. Umbrella to help conceal my maleness.

    I know you said you are not seeking advice. I wish my wife was open to discussing my needs so I could not be so frustrated. When I am unable to be myself I resort to retail therapy. When selecting my outfit for this evening I looked at the wardrobe and thought to myself, "This is nuts!"

  6. #6
    Member rhonda's Avatar
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    Hi Simone

    I believe candykowal gave us all good advice H N Y

  7. #7
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    U only have so much time, Simone. Only u know if you're happy?

    If you're not? You're going to be even more frustrated and very angry with yourself for wasting your life a few years down the road!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  8. #8
    Finally feeling happy simoneisatg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    U only have so much time, Simone. Only u know if you're happy?

    If you're not? You're going to be even more frustrated and very angry with yourself for wasting your life a few years down the road!
    I truly don't know what to do with this Sherry. Selfishly playing this out leads me down an irreversible path. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that, despite my intense regret at hiding myself for all these years.

    With my hand on my heart I'd like to go further. I want to pierce my ears, shave my legs / arms / body; get my nails done; pluck my eyebrows; sport a pixie cut; and go out fully dressed and made up.

    I'm not sure I ever will though, and it's truly torture. I don't know how I can stay sane.

  9. #9
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Sounds like you are venting and asking for help even tho' you said you weren't looking for help.
    You are the one putting all the stress on yourself so why don't you do something to relieve the stress?
    Your wife have something to worry about where it is all leading?
    It doesn't have to lead anywhere if you don't want it to but I assume you already know that because you said you have heard it all before.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.
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  10. #10
    Silver Member Leslie Mary S's Avatar
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    Simone you are riding on a sign wave. At the moment you are on a peak of a "Pink Fog Wave". We all ride these intensity driven wavea. When the wife comes home you will return to a normal situation and might even drop down into a negative valley for a while. Just ride out the pink fog wave and keep loving your wife.
    Leslie Mary Shy
    A Southern Belle.

    "For a lump of coal to become a diamond, it takes a lot of pressure, heat, and time."
    "The question is, can I, as a lump of poor coal, survive that heat, pressure, and time."

  11. #11
    Silver Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    I think Leslie Mary just nailed it!
    Crissy

  12. #12
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Simone,
    It is a tough one , how to find a balance when you feel your head is splitting !

    I know you say you don't need advice but I'm sure you also know it can't go on like this , your health is also important , all I can say is don't let it get to the point where you cease to function as I did .

    If I may ask one question , have you had counselling ? At least your wife is on board to a point so she may welcome the fact you are seeking help and professional advice . Where it leads no one can truly answer but even though I'm now separated I haven't lost as much as I thought , the World does not end for any of us .

    Going out in the RW may sound like Utopia and at times it is but it's not something to be scared about , the point is you are in a position to finally see some balance in your life , I don't feel I need to go further , hormones and surgery may not change my life that much on a daily basis . Sadly to most wives/ partners stepping out as a woman may be a step too far but even my wife now accepts me even if she still chooses not to see me but she is coming round to dealing with that .
    Last edited by Teresa; 01-01-2020 at 06:21 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  13. #13
    Member Brandiaztv's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simoneisatg View Post
    I truly don't know what to do with this Sherry. Selfishly playing this out leads me down an irreversible path. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that, despite my intense regret at hiding myself for all these years.

    With my hand on my heart I'd like to go further. I want to pierce my ears, shave my legs / arms / body; get my nails done; pluck my eyebrows; sport a pixie cut; and go out fully dressed and made up.

    I'm not sure I ever will though, and it's truly torture. I don't know how I can stay sane.
    Wow, change 'Sherry' to 'Brandi' and you just described my life, I'm in exactly the same boat, sneaking my dressing when I can and am afraid I will look back (As I have looked back on the person I almost became 20 years ago) with regret, but I just can't make that sacrifice. Seeing a therapist has helped in that I accept who I am, but that is a two edged sword...
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  14. #14
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Brandiaztv,
    I agree it is a , " Two edged sword !" My wife expected counselling to be some sort of cure but instead I came to terms with ME and my NEEDS ! So followed the debate for sometime who is the selfish one ?
    The real me ,no going back.

  15. #15
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Simone,

    I re-read your post and upon reflection I came to the conclusion that your angst is born of the intensity of your current full-on dressing. I suspect that if allowed a longer time that intensity would begin to ebb away somewhat. You're overwhelmed by the freedom you suddenly have.

    I think it's wrong to assume that because you're feeling that strong desire now that is all of the story. Upon your SO's return you'll feel it even more. The sudden loss will impact as strongly if not more so that the start. That's not to say that you can't return to some point of equilibrium, a point you've said you'd attained with the occasional dressing.

    We all go through periods when we think it's getting out of control but then life and common sense takes over. As you do dress with your SO's approval perhaps a compromise way forward is to seek her agreement to up the frequency, a little at a time, to find out just where her comfort zone stretches to.

    If you've convinced yourself that transitioning or at least going full time is the only way you're going to satisfy your desires then you have hard choices to make. If you goal is to dress more and with greater freedom then it seems to me you're part way there, it just needs careful and respectful dialogue.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  16. #16
    Finally feeling happy simoneisatg's Avatar
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    Hi Helen,

    That was an exceptionally thoughtful, and ultimately helpful post. I really appreciate it.

    Sim

  17. #17
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    Hi Simone , fellow Qld'er , stay strong , maybe come out one night in Brisbane?

  18. #18
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
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    Welcome to most of our lives. When I would get a few days to myself I remember my wife calling me and I would be venting on her about how I was already disappointed of when they were coming home and I had to pack it up. I remember my wife telling me to enjoy this time instead of thinking when it was going end and everything else to be patient and take it one day at a time. It is very sad when it does end but I always appropriated the opportunity was there. We have to be patient and hopefully better days are coming. 35 yrs and still being patient, but we there are small steps going on.

  19. #19
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Simone, Enjoy the dressing while you can and enjoy your wife the rest of the time. My situation is different. My wife accepts, but her adult daughters live with us, so I cannot dress at home. I go out to local meetups, but always dress at a hotel.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  20. #20
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Sounds like an episode of thick pink fog. I get that way occasionally. It sometimes feels like you are getting overwhelmed with uncontrollable thoughts and desires. It is a bit irrational. Try to step back and examine what is happening and try to tweak it into a more rational direction. But don't actively fight it as fighting it simply provides more energy to the irrational aspects and the fog will get thicker. So, when I get that way I simply refuse to give it everything that it wants and the intensity declines a bit and becomes a bit more rational. These high intensity feelings are common in most of us. Two solutions seem to be common. 1 - ride it out and 2 - ignore it to a limited extent but not completely.

    It is very good that you are trying to control it to some extent to "protect my beautiful wife from pain..." That is a noble cause, but it is also limiting your own ability to express yourself. The fear of where it might lead is very real and can be devastating to a wife who married what she thought was a man (traditional concept) but turned out to be a bit of a girl at times. The problem is we really don't know where it will lead either. So, in some ways, you are entering a dangerous country.

    The solution my wife and I tried with some success was to go to special therapists. I went to a gender therapist; she went to a therapist at the same place that specialized in helping loved ones of people who show transgender characteristics. It worked pretty well - more for me than for her. I was mulling over transitioning, but on further exploration discovered that it was not a good fit for my transgender characteristics. Transition is not a natural outcome of the progression through this world. Sometimes it is just a matter of learning to regulate your feelings and keep it in a rational mode. I have been very happy for several years in that mode, but my wife still doesn't want to participate or even see me that way. So, we find compromises that work. It is not just my way or her way.

    It looks like a no-win situation, but it is not. That said, it takes a lot of effort, exploration, and experimentation and, most important, avoiding the trap of feeling like, "If I don't answer all of its needs I will go crazy and do crazy things." Not true and it is a selfish mode brought on by the intensity and irrationality of some of the feelings. There are always other options and with thought and a willingness to discuss it all with an objective person (such as a therapist who is proficient in transgender issues), as well as your wife, you can find a middle ground without you or your wife giving up and head toward the black hole of separation and divorce. It is not easy, but many times it does work. Be aware though that sometimes it does not work and transition really is the way you need to go. Just don't assume that is true because it might not be.

  21. #21
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Gretchen, Your post is very good advice, to anyone who feels the overwhelming pink fog. I am single, but also have to not let it take over . It needs regulation, and control, and you give great ideas and sound advice. Riding it out is a good way to say it. It will subside some. I know coffee and caffeine can boost the fog and make it tons stronger, but it will subside, if i ride it out. I am a very emotional man, more so than many women, and i have to not let them rule me. Emotions are fickle and deceive us a lot. One lady i knew, who was in recovery, said emotions are like a horse, that needs to be bridled, or the horse can go crazy and run wild, taking us on a rough ride.
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 01-02-2020 at 02:45 PM.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN. See my photos and videos on FLICKR - Alice Longstems.

  22. #22
    Member Star01's Avatar
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    I just went through a similar thing where I was dressing a lot and having the same type of thoughts. I'm still planning on getting counseling but a couple of family crisis including my 89 y/o mother-in-law being diagnosed with cancer and a mid 40's daughter coming out as a lesbian are holding me back. I have been shaving my legs for going on 20 years but have added other little touches like plucked eyebrows and underdressing as a result of this latest fog. There were a lot of opportunities to dress and in retrospect I think it feeds on itself and makes the fog worse and the letdown is much greater when the fog lifts. Last night I watched the movie Normal from 2003 (free on you tube) and though therapy was glossed over there were a lot of parts of the movie that resonated. My biggest takeaway was that regardless of my issues my wife has too much on her plate for me to be adding more onto her plate right now. Seeing that movie and looking relatives who are macho hunters in the eye and imagine my meek little self standing up to them over this beat the fog out of me for the time being with wearing panties 24/7, shaved forearms and plucked eyebrows being the only reminders of how I was feeling a couple weeks ago.

    The clothes are all staying locked up in my cabinet because I know that the fog will roll in again after the holidays. So far I have been fortunate in that I have been able to compartmentalize my two personas but it's getting more and more difficult to push Star back into the closet. I'm pretty much in a very situation as you are so don't hesitate to message me. Right now I'm hoping that I can keep this thing at arms length because I'd make a damn ugly woman and can't imagine coming out to family and friends about something like this.

  23. #23
    Finally feeling happy simoneisatg's Avatar
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    Hey Miss Sixties, how do I do that?! Very excited to be able to, please let me know how!

  24. #24
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    Simone, your wife knows about you being Trans. How did she learn about it? Is she supportive to some extent? It was OK to dress like you described, and you changed dramatically. Did she have any inkling of the change? You wanted to vent, but if you take to heart what's being said, Your sisters can help you. Give it a try.

  25. #25
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    I know how you feel.
    This sneaking around makes me sad but, dressing up is such a high!
    Being a CDer is an interesting dilemma to be in.

    Every time I went Christmas shopping all I wanted was to look at woman's clothing! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

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