I don't hate it.....

[Kimberly A.]

Hey y'all! :-) I just had some thoughts to cross my mind..... Anyway, I did go out dressed again this evening, I will make a post complete with pics later.
Anyway, I have seen some you post and say that you hate being in male mode. Well of course, I am not going to bash or talk anyone down about that; the way I see it, your female mode is your normal and I can honestly say that I understand. Now as for me, like so many others here, I was born a male and I've been a male for over 36 years now. My male mode is normal for me and while I am happier in female mode, (which I'm in right now) I don't hate my male mode. I will be perfectly honest, CD'ing is something that I've dreamed of doing for most of my life. All of my life I have loved wearing pantyhose and tights, I have experimented in the past and put on my older sister's clothes when I was alone. Also when I was a teen and home alone one time, my ex-stepmother, (if you will), had bought bags and bags full of feminine clothes, blouses, skirts, dresses, etc. and I tried on a lot of those clothes..... It felt AMAZING! LOL Also, YEARS ago, like back in 2004 or 2005, (this is something else that I have yet to share with y'all), when I was married and in the Air Force, my now ex-wife was having an Avon party at home with some other women, so she had me to leave the house and get a hotel room for the night, which I didn't mind. So, I actually bought some feminine clothes, makeup and a wig, went back to the hotel room and I went out CD'd for a little while..... That was actually the first time I ever did it. Of course, my makeup sucked and so did the cheap wig that I bought, but it felt SO good..... I wish I had pictures of that but I don't. I had wanted to do it again ever since and now like, 14 years or so later I finally can. I later told my now ex-wife about it and boy, was she TICKED?! LOL Yeah, she didn't like it at all and made me get rid of all of the feminine clothes except for my pantyhose. Anyway, it's perfectly normal for me to wear my men's clothes most of the time and I only get to let Kimberly out for a day every two weeks. I do hate that, I wish I could be Kimberly a lot more but with the way my life is, I just can't..... I have a career, my entire life is as a male and I'm just used to that, of course. I just wish I could dress up a lot more often. My male mode is my normal but at this point, I feel like my female mode is my second normal and I do have a VERY strong feminine side.
Anyway, just thought I would share that with y'all. :-)

[Vickie_CDTV]

Your ex-wife's reaction is typical sadly.

Just curious, why did she let you keep the pantyhose? I know a few who had wives who objected to everything but somehow tolerated the pantyhose.

[Tracii G]

Kimberly you need to understand CDing is a choice for you and in that regard you are lucky.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kimberly , I like to think about my dressing as having the best of both worlds. >Orchid ..OO..

[Helen_Highwater]

Kimberley,

Many of us will emphasize with your thoughts. Life has a habit of getting in the way of things we'd like to do.

While being able to dress and go out more often would be something I'd like there are elements of my Male life I wouldn't want to give up.

The trick it seems is in being able to find a balance.

[Crissy 107]

Kimberly, Many of us here can identify with what you are saying, not all that many have SO’s that are all in with our feminine sides. The good thing is you do get to cross dress and enjoy it.

[GretchenM]

I certainly identify with what you are feeling. Whether the masculine or feminine is dominant depends on countless influences in my daily life. Sometimes I like the masculine far more than the feminine and other times it is the other way around. Most of the time pieces and parts are both there.

The fact is most people experience very little of that shifting sensation. For me, it is not the clothes that defines the mode; it is an internal sense that shifts and when it is strong I express it in clothing and in other ways. Thus, the internal sense is what defines the path of the expression. But for some it is the other way around. The clothes triggers a shift in the internal gender identity or sense of self. Whichever way it is the shift is important. And for some their sense of self (gender identity) is completely reversed from what is expected in the traditional and stereotypical way it "should" be. The fact is, there is probably no "should." We are who we are, whether consistent with tradition or not.

My wife once asked, "Why don't you just be yourself?" That means, "Just be a guy for crying out loud!" I then asked her, "What if the blended masculine-feminine is being myself?" The point is there is no perfect model that we all strive to meet perfectly. There is a basic mode that we each follow - it is kind of the home plate for us. And that home plate is not necessarily where it is for everyone else.

It is quite obvious to me that we are all different and we are all different for a reason. Life needs variability so it can adapt to different conditions and circumstances. If we were all the same and there was a huge environmental change that was unfavorable to us there would be no way to go. Humans would quickly go extinct. So, built into the life model is this constant variability and most don't vary much while others vary a great deal - somebody has to be on the wings of the bell shaped curve. Variability rather than consistency is the norm. It is all about survival of the species if the environment makes a hard turn making the traditional and stereotypical mode deadly. It is just the way Nature works, like it or not. She can be cruel sometimes, but change is as inevitable and adaptation is the road to survival. And the variability is not all a choice - sometimes it is just the way it is. And, like everybody else, we have our place on the bell shaped curve - our genetics and our experience put us there.

[Angela1954]

It took me a while to come to grips with my strong feminine side. Societal pressures will do that to you. I still present as male most of the time but clearly my feminine alter ego is stronger. No transition for me so I make due. Luckily I have an understanding wife. As I like to say "you play the hand your dealt"

[Teresa]

Kimberly,
I feel Tracii sums it up well in one line .

In my case now having total freedom to dress as I choose , reverting to male mode happens less and less , eventually to dress as a man feels more like CDing and it does become more uncomfortable .

Gretchen,
Your wife left that wide open if she only realised , to be told , "to just be yourself " . Sorry if I relate that statement to my wife it would possibly imply , " Be what I want you to be !"

It's that basic fact that wives/partners can't or won't grasp , they can't see that living as the gender we were born with is actually stressful and uncomfortable . Just because we've ticked all the boxes as a male doesn't mean to say we enjoyed it .

[Kimberly A.]

Vickie, my ex-wife let me keep my pantyhose only because she just tolerated it, but didn't really like me wearing them..... She even made me stop wearing them and stop shaving my legs for a while, but I was miserable when I did. So, I started back up again and of course while she still didn't like it and didn't understand, she tolerated it. I am sure it's one reason why she wanted other men and one reason we're divorced.

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Oh I do understand that, Tracii and you are so right. LOL But more and more I get the feeling that CD'ing is a necessary part of me now, because for one thing, it allows me to have the freedom that I've dreamed of for so many years and another thing, it's this strong feminine side of me that I just can't shake no matter how hard I try and believe me, I HAVE tried to shake it but the girl inside of me just won't let me and I'm OK with that..... If that makes any sense.

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I totally understand that, Orchid! :-)

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I completely agree and understand that, Helen.

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Very true, Crissy.

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I totally agree, Gretchen..... Those are very good words of wisdom and I very much appreciate your comments. :-)

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Oh I couldn't agree more, Angela. :-)

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I understand that, Teresa and I agree totally.

[Sandi Beech]

Hey Kimberly, I have similar feelings. For example, it would not do much for me to be en femme if I am working on my car and getting my hand all grungy. Still there are many times that I want to play around in partial dress. What really gets me thrilled is being completely dolled up. I just can?t do it except when I have to travel for work. I am curious though that your wife let you keep your pantyhose as someone else asked. My wife took scissors and cut mine into a million pieces and left them on the sofa for me to find. Seems odd she would allow that one thing while getting mad at the other stuff.

Still I am comfortable in either mode. The driving force to be en femme occasionally can be somewhat unpredictable in my case, and I am close to needing a fix soon.

Sandi

[Jean 103]

Sorry and hope you get better and can enjoy live again.

I have recently lost a couple of people that I love very much and it looks like I'm going to lose another. Life is just to short.

I only do guy mode at work. I don't hate it and my guy mode is a bit girly. That and because I'm out it is really not the same as being just a guy. People do slip up and sometimes address me with female pronouns.

The rest of the time I'm Jean female pronouns only no matter how I'm dressed. I have been doing this for years now.

So for me representing female is prefered and has become normal. I don't hate representing male, I just don't like too.

[alwayshave]

Kimberly, I don't hate being a guy as well, but I do wish I got to dress more often. My wife is accepting and encouraging. However, as I type this I am sitting in my living room with my two adult step-daughters. Alas, if they were not here I could dress when ever I wished, not when I go to one of my local meetups at a hotel.