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Thread: Planning to come out to wife.

  1. #1
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Planning to come out to wife.

    Until I met my wife I had been somewhat open with friends about being bi and a crossdresser. My last serious relationship prior to my wife my girlfriend knew all about it and also that I was bi. She had no problem with any of it and would dress me up etc. She loved it.

    However, the woman I eventually married, mainly due to me getting her pregnant, I have not told her much of anything. We have been together for almost 7 years and married for 6. She is a wonderful woman, loving, caring and strong. Before we got married I told he of one crossdressing episode when I went to Fairplay in New York for a makeover (would love to go back someday.) She was fine with that. I also told her of a time when dressed when I had sex with a man. She was fine with that.

    Initially I did not think our marriage would last so did not come clean with her about her into how much I enjoy dressing. Of course when I married I again purged Thankfully, our marriage has worked and I would say significantly stronger now than in the beginning.

    She is away on vacation at the moment. I did not want to go as I needed time to think about things. Such as this. I want to tell her, but am afraid. I believe she has a right to know about the CDing. I believe in marriage we remain monogamous.
    You would think that I would have told her this before we married. I knew better than to withhold it. She says is open minded and progressive and would not be upset if your children were gay. So I wonder what she will think about husband who likes dressing. She is 34 years old and a nurse.

    I was thinking of writing it all down or making a recording and giving it to her.

    Something along the lines of.

    I love you. I am glad I am married to you.

    However, I have a couple of things I believe you have a right to know. You may find them shocking. I am a crossdresser. I just feel as you are my wife you have a right to know.

    I am sorry if this upsets you in anywyay. But know that I love you and am glad our marriage has worked.




    Okay girls and guys what do you all think? Any input or suggestions would be welcome.
    Last edited by Kitty Sue; 01-26-2020 at 12:52 AM.
    Just another man in a dress

  2. #2
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    I believe that the way you explained it to us in your post is the way you should explain it to her in person. My opinion is definitely NOT in writing or a recording.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Telling ones wife about cross dressing is in itself a difficult thing to do but then you add being Bi and it becomes even harder. I would talk to her about it and not through a letter. You need to see her reaction and respond to any and all questions. I feel this is one of the toughest things to do, or at least it was for me. I think she deserves a sit down talk and just deal with it.
    I do however know this can be challenging but you will make out ok if she is willing to listen.
    Good luck and let us know how you do.
    Crissy

  4. #4
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by char GG View Post
    I believe that the way you explained it to us in your post is the way you should explain it to her in person. My opinion is definitely NOT in writing or a recording.
    Thanks for your input. Maybe if I write it down and read it to her. Yeah I think are correct about me being there. I will leave the recording out.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Crissy 107 View Post
    Telling ones wife about cross dressing is in itself a difficult thing to do but then you add being Bi and it becomes even harder. I would talk to her about it and not through a letter. You need to see her reaction and respond to any and all questions. I feel this is one of the toughest things to do, or at least it was for me. I think she deserves a sit down talk and just deal with it.
    I do however know this can be challenging but you will make out ok if she is willing to listen.
    Good luck and let us know how you do.
    Yes I believe you are right. I am not sure how she will take it. Part of things negatively. Another part thinks positively and she will not to see me dressed and she will do my makeup. I am a glass half full kind of person most of the time. So if I had to bet I would say negatively. However, as pointed out in my OP she laughed when I told her about having sex while dressed with a guy. She said "I thought you were going to tell me you had a slept with a man before." So I dont think it will be a huge surprise. She will not be back for another 2 weeks. I will absolutely tell you all how it turns out.
    Just another man in a dress

  5. #5
    Seňora Member Robertacd's Avatar
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    Have to agree with char on this one.

    In person, be honest, and tell her everything.

  6. #6
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    It seems to me that you have told her a lot already. Mentioning that premarital cross dressing experience and the m/m encounter really has to have left an impression. That is not something anyone would forget. So, I think its fair to say that she has been told about your inclinations. Now, it is fair for her to know that these have not disappeared, but that you have honored your commitment to her and will continue to do so. At the same time, its reasonable to let her know that you are still the person you were more than seven years ago, and that cross dressing remains an important part of who you are.

    I hope the conversations go well for you both.

    Easy come, easy go;
    Easy left me long ago...

  7. #7
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    I'll say it again... This would have been easier had it been discussed earlier. It will be perceived as the deception it was, and it will be that which must be overcome for things to move forward.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

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  8. #8
    Junior Member vplshowoff's Avatar
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    Some people are tolerant in word only. When things happen to them, they have a not in my backyard response - NIMBY.

  9. #9
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    I don't like it. As far as being bi, if you're not going to act on it I don't see what difference it makes. As far as crossdressing, I favor showing rather than telling... a little at a time. If you want to wear nail polish, suggest that the two of you go get mani-pedis as a couple. Even if she declines, this will open up the conversation. Tell her you'd like to wear nail polish. Let the other aspects of it follow the same pattern. When you hit some resistance, see if it's negotiable. If it's not, you have some decisions to make. You'll figure out pretty quickly how open she is to it. Telling her you're a crossdresser doesn't define anything. Wearing nail polish, shaving your legs, getting your ears pierced, etc. are all definable things. I think this stuff is easier to digest in small doses.

    Not sure I'm one you should be taking advice from, though. I'm 10 years divorced because of it. It was a good run while it lasted!

  10. #10
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I agree with Rhonda Jean. I think U have a bigger issue with being bi than u think. The way u over explained it tipped me off!

    She knows you're bi, u already told her. I think u may have fantasies of dressing and being with men? Otherwise, why do u keep connecting your dressing with being bi? I think u object too much with your promising not to have sex with men. I think u should talk with a therapist before u have the "talk" with your wife!
    Last edited by docrobbysherry; 01-21-2020 at 08:26 PM.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  11. #11
    Senior Member Tracy Irving's Avatar
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    When you do your redraft take out the word "However" (second paragraph, first word).

  12. #12
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robertacd View Post
    Have to agree with char on this one.

    In person, be honest, and tell her everything.
    I shall do my best. Which is part of why I was thinking of writing it down.

    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    It seems to me that you have told her a lot already. Mentioning that premarital cross dressing experience and the m/m encounter really has to have left an impression. That is not something anyone would forget. So, I think its fair to say that she has been told about your inclinations. Now, it is fair for her to know that these have not disappeared, but that you have honored your commitment to her and will continue to do so. At the same time, its reasonable to let her know that you are still the person you were more than seven years ago, and that cross dressing remains an important part of who you are.

    I hope the conversations go well for you both.
    Indeed. Crossdressing is certainly an important part of who I am.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aunt Kelly View Post
    I'll say it again... This would have been easier had it been discussed earlier. It will be perceived as the deception it was, and it will be that which must be overcome for things to move forward.
    You are absolutely correct.

    Quote Originally Posted by vplshowoff View Post
    Some people are tolerant in word only. When things happen to them, they have a not in my backyard response - NIMBY.
    True. That's what I worried about. There are a lot NIMBY types out there. I hope she will not be one of them. Two serious relationships I was in before my wife and both women were very accepting. Would be kind of luck to find the woman I married was not. lol

    Quote Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean View Post
    I don't like it. As far as being bi, if you're not going to act on it I don't see what difference it makes. As far as crossdressing, I favor showing rather than telling... a little at a time. If you want to wear nail polish, suggest that the two of you go get mani-pedis as a couple. Even if she declines, this will open up the conversation. Tell her you'd like to wear nail polish. Let the other aspects of it follow the same pattern. When you hit some resistance, see if it's negotiable. If it's not, you have some decisions to make. You'll figure out pretty quickly how open she is to it. Telling her you're a crossdresser doesn't define anything. Wearing nail polish, shaving your legs, getting your ears pierced, etc. are all definable things. I think this stuff is easier to digest in small doses.

    Not sure I'm one you should be taking advice from, though. I'm 10 years divorced because of it. It was a good run while it lasted!
    Great point about being Bi. I am not going to act on it as that would be cheating. I do not want to cheat on my wife with a woman or a man. Perhaps I will leave that out. As for telling her a little at a time. I disagree with you there. I think I would prefer just to tell her all at once. She would ask why we I wanted to go with her to get nails done anyway.

    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    I agree with Rhonda Jean. I think U have a bigger issue with being bi than u think. The way u over explained it tipped me off!

    She knows you're bi, u already told her. I think u may have fantasies of dressing and being with men? Otherwise, why do u keep connecting your dressing with being bi? I think u object too much with your promising not to have sex with men. I think u should talk with a therapist before u have the "talk" with your wife!
    Good idea. I do have a therapist. I will make an appointment tomorrow.

    As Rhonda Jean said above, if I am not going to act on being bi, why do I need to tell her. I am not going to act on it. So maybe I don't need to tell her that. A couple of years go she called me "straight" and that has really bugged me. I thought how on earth can you call me straight after knowing I had sex with a man. Perhaps I will just leave that out and if she calls me straight again, I will say "do you really think I am straight after having sex with a man before we married. I am more likely bi wouldn't you say?" I don't think that would her that much if I put that way after she called me straight. I think I will leave being bi out of this conversation. She probably realizes it on some level anyway.


    Quote Originally Posted by Tracy Irving View Post
    When you do your redraft take out the word "However" (second paragraph, first word).
    Excellent point! I will indeed leave that out.

    Thanks girls for all the input. It is really appreciated.
    Just another man in a dress

  13. #13
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    It was pointed out in an article I read that one male on male sexual experience does not make a man gay/homosexual. Throw in the fact you told your wife you were en femme and it may seem more remote than declaring bisexuality. One of the issues that can arise by announcing your bisexuality is she may perceive her intimate relationship with you in a different light. When my wife and I had "The Talk" a long time ago she told me not to buy her any more lingerie because she imagined that I was imaging wearing her lingerie when we were intimate. It put a real damper on things for some time. I think a partner is more apt to think her or his partner is daydreaming about a person of the opposite sex who is unattainable than a person of the same sex who may be attainable.

    If I had to take the fallout from revealing anything it would be the cross dressing.

  14. #14
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stephanie47 View Post
    It was pointed out in an article I read that one male on male sexual experience does not make a man gay/homosexual. Throw in the fact you told your wife you were en femme and it may seem more remote than declaring bisexuality. One of the issues that can arise by announcing your bisexuality is she may perceive her intimate relationship with you in a different light. When my wife and I had "The Talk" a long time ago she told me not to buy her any more lingerie because she imagined that I was imaging wearing her lingerie when we were intimate. It put a real damper on things for some time. I think a partner is more apt to think her or his partner is daydreaming about a person of the opposite sex who is unattainable than a person of the same sex who may be attainable.

    If I had to take the fallout from revealing anything it would be the cross dressing.
    Thanks for you input. The more I think about it, and after reading the comments here, the more inclined I am to leave the bisexuality out. I have had several sexual encounters with men, all before getting married. I am pretty confident that I am bi. I don't enjoy being with men as much when not dressed. I certainly have no plans to cheat on my wife with either sex.
    Good point about the lingerie when being intimate. I wonder what my wife will say.
    Just another man in a dress

  15. #15
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    Almost nobody ever agrees with my on the showing instead of telling. I'm probably wrong.

  16. #16
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean View Post
    Almost nobody ever agrees with my on the showing instead of telling. I'm probably wrong.
    Just another man in a dress

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member NancyJ's Avatar
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    I think you are getting some good input here and I will not repeat what others have already said. The point I will make is about saying that you are sorry IF what you tell her is upsetting. That comes across as quite patronizing. OF COURSE, what you have to tell her will be upsetting. A more empathetic approach would be: I have something to tell you that I understand will be upsetting...

  18. #18
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NancyJ View Post
    I think you are getting some good input here and I will not repeat what others have already said. The point I will make is about saying that you are sorry IF what you tell her is upsetting. That comes across as quite patronizing. OF COURSE, what you have to tell her will be upsetting. A more empathetic approach would be: I have something to tell you that I understand will be upsetting...
    Good point.I will leave "sorry" out. Your line is much better. When I have what I am going to say all completed I will again bring it here.
    After she vacation she has to work for 4 days. She is a nurse. An amazing nurse. However, I will wait until she is off work and has had a good night's sleep before I carpet bomb her with this information.
    aunty who is a doctor asked her why she never chose to go become a medical school. My wife says she did not want spend that long i school.
    Just another man in a dress

  19. #19
    New Member Anna Gracie's Avatar
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    Lots recommend to talk face to face. I plan on writing a letter. What must that letter say?
    Of course all people are different and it may not suite everybody but what are The most important things needed to describe to her?

  20. #20
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anna Gracie View Post
    Lots recommend to talk face to face. I plan on writing a letter. What must that letter say?
    Of course all people are different and it may not suite everybody but what are The most important things needed to describe to her?
    Good points. The reason I was going to write a letter is so I would not forget anything. I would write a letter and read it to her face to face. What I may do instead is write down a series of bullet points so that I don't forget anything when I talk to her.
    Thankfully she is only 34 so I am hoping being younger she will be more open. When my niece told us she was gay my wife had no problem at all with that.

    I will tell I realize what i am about to say will be upsetting.
    I will tell her I love her and want to be with her and only her.
    I will apologize for not telling her before we married.
    I will tell her I crossdress and it is an important part of who i am and what makes me me, and have crossdressed since age probably 5. Although it really took off when I was 14.
    I will tell her I am not transsexual. I am happy and like being a man.
    I will tell her I am not gay.
    I will tell her I will not dress in front of children.
    I will let her know I am okay with her speaking with whomever she likes regarding my CDing.
    I will let her know I am fine with her asking me whatever she wants, whenever she wants
    I will let her know that my CDing is always up for discussion whenever she feels the need to talk about it.
    I will let her know there are several support groups in Ohio that we could attend together or separately.
    I will let her know of this website and others.
    Just another man in a dress

  21. #21
    Member HelpMe,Rhonda's Avatar
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    Some things I've jotted down in case I ever decide to come out, some found elsewhere out in the world and copied:

    This Is Not A Choice: Why would anyone choose this life?

    Does this mean lying about other things? Not enough time to have other things to lie about.*

    No one should be made to feel unlovable because of how they were born.

    He dressed before you knew and you are the one he desires.* (He dressed when you knew and you continue to be the one he desires). Dressing makes him who he is and you make him feel loved so does dressing really change that love and commitment you have with each other??

    Treating part of yourself like something separate means you can never be a whole person

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member NancyJ's Avatar
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    KittySue, I like your post #20! Good luck!

  23. #23
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Kitty Sue, As to your original post, haven't you already admitted your a CD and have had past relationships with men. It appears that your concerned with telling her about your on going need to CD.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  24. #24
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    Are you sure you're OK with her telling whoever she likes? If she tells someone, you're out. You may not realize you're out, but there will be a lot of people who know. Maybe everybody.

  25. #25
    New Member Nicole79's Avatar
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    You are very brave. Good luck.

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