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Thread: Planning to come out to wife.

  1. #26
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NancyJ View Post
    KittySue, I like your post #20! Good luck!
    Thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by alwayshave View Post
    Kitty Sue, As to your original post, haven't you already admitted your a CD and have had past relationships with men. It appears that your concerned with telling her about your on going need to CD.
    I think you are right. I am more concerned about my ongoing need to CD.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean View Post
    Are you sure you're OK with her telling whoever she likes? If she tells someone, you're out. You may not realize you're out, but there will be a lot of people who know. Maybe everybody.
    I am. I don't believe in telling my partner who they can or cannot speak with. I hope and trust they have enough sense to choose wisely the people they will speak with.


    Quote Originally Posted by Nicole79 View Post
    You are very brave. Good luck.
    I wish I were brave. One of the things I discovered half way through last year was that my wife had not been honest with me with how much debt show owed before we were married. She said 30k in student loans. I discovered on our credit report from bank when we bought a new home it was 50. I also found 2,500 dollars and an unknown credit card.

    I was not angry at her. I was sad. That she was lying just like I have been. I don't want a marriage like that. Obviously we both have trust issues with one another. So I believe I need to tell her. I also believe the truth always wins in the end.
    Just another man in a dress

  2. #27
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    All I can say, is the best of luck. My ex was also a 34 y/o nurse, very tolerant and accepting of other people being gay, TS, whatever gender they wanted to be. She was also very much a tomboy, so I thought that she would understand that gender isn't necessarily a completely rigid concept. I had done everything I could to be the perfect husband in every other way, and in every thought of coming out to her, I was absolutely sure that all the good things about me would surely be enough for her to forgive this one thing. Nope. She was okay with crossdressers, but that didn't include me. It was just another NIMBY situation, to the extreme. We divorced a few years later, with her blackmailing me for everything we had, or she would expose me to work, family, friends, and she had tricked me into letting her take pictures of me dressed up (a neat little subterfuge where she had appeared to change her mind, and even bought me some girl clothes to wear), which she also planned to distribute if I didn't agree to her demands.
    AFAIK, she held up her end of the bargain, but then I never saw any of her family/friends again, so I can never be sure.
    I, too, wrote my wife a loving letter, but to no avail. She wanted none of it. The fury at finding out that I 'wasn't the man she thought she married', was intense. Since you have the benefit of having told her of some of your previous dressing up and bisexual experiences weighs in your favor. However, there's always the possibility that she may have believed that those experiences were just youthful indiscretions, simple experimentation that didn't reflect and wasn't representitive of the adult you grew into, and who she married.

    I understand your desire to tell her about yourself. However, consider the worst possible outcome, and if you are okay with that, then proceed. Because myself and thousands of others have experienced that worst possibility, and for me, at least, it felt like my life was over. Seeing that you now have a child, you may wish to move a bit more slowly to see how she takes it. Perhaps wait until Halloween and see if she's okay with you dressing up again, and watch her carefully to see if there's any concern on her face when you do it, and then maybe ask if she's okay with the two of you going out together as a girl's night out. As long as it's only the two of you, it may go over better that way.
    Regarding her debt, remember that women reserve the right for deception, for themselves. They insist on complete honesty from their mates, though.

    My own theory of why it is so upsetting to our SO's is that I believe that we don't fall in love with the person, we fall in love with the person that we believe them to be, based on everything that we think we know about them. The sudden change from being sexually attracted to a masculine male, to a feminine UNmasculine one, can potentially destroy the sexual attraction for her, and once that's gone, away too can go the romantic love. And once that's gone, a woman will want to replace that to feel loved and sexually desired BY A 'REAL MAN', and if that happens it just might be someone else instead of you. Then the marriage is all but over, and potentially the thoughts of realization that her whole life up to that point was all just one big lie.
    I'm not saying all this will definitely happen, but it can.
    Tread carefully. You can't un-ring a bell.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 01-25-2020 at 07:34 AM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  3. #28
    Aspiring Member Eemz's Avatar
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    Being bi and being monogamous are completely separate things. If you’re in a monogamous relationship you will still find other people attractive from time to time, but you won’t do anything about it. That’s what monogamous means, right? If you’re bi then some of the people you find attractive will be men, but that’s neither here nor there.

    I’m bi and my definition of cheating is if the other person thinks they’re in a monogamous relationship and they’re not. The sex or gender of the people involved is irrelevant.

    By all means tell her you’re bi in the interests of full disclosure. But it’s just background so she knows more about who you are, right? If she asks why didn’t tell her before I would be honest that you felt the marriage was fragile enough at the time and this was kind of irrelevant because you are in a monogamous relationship so what does it matter who you are attracted to.

    As long as all that monogamy talk is true of course. Which I’m not sure about from the OP to be honest.
    Last edited by Eemz; 01-25-2020 at 08:16 AM. Reason: Question mark

  4. #29
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post
    All I can say, is the best of luck. My ex was also a 34 y/o nurse, very tolerant and accepting of other people being gay, TS, whatever gender they wanted to be. She was also very much a tomboy, so I thought that she would understand that gender isn't necessarily a completely rigid concept. I had done everything I could to be the perfect husband in every other way, and in every thought of coming out to her, I was absolutely sure that all the good things about me would surely be enough for her to forgive this one thing. Nope. She was okay with crossdressers, but that didn't include me. It was just another NIMBY situation, to the extreme. We divorced a few years later, with her blackmailing me for everything we had, or she would expose me to work, family, friends, and she had tricked me into letting her take pictures of me dressed up (a neat little subterfuge where she had appeared to change her mind, and even bought me some girl clothes to wear), which she also planned to distribute if I didn't agree to her demands.
    AFAIK, she held up her end of the bargain, but then I never saw any of her family/friends again, so I can never be sure.
    I, too, wrote my wife a loving letter, but to no avail. She wanted none of it. The fury at finding out that I 'wasn't the man she thought she married', was intense. Since you have the benefit of having told her of some of your previous dressing up and bisexual experiences weighs in your favor. However, there's always the possibility that she may have believed that those experiences were just youthful indiscretions, simple experimentation that didn't reflect and wasn't representitive of the adult you grew into, and who she married.

    I understand your desire to tell her about yourself. However, consider the worst possible outcome, and if you are okay with that, then proceed. Because myself and thousands of others have experienced that worst possibility, and for me, at least, it felt like my life was over. Seeing that you now have a child, you may wish to move a bit more slowly to see how she takes it. Perhaps wait until Halloween and see if she's okay with you dressing up again, and watch her carefully to see if there's any concern on her face when you do it, and then maybe ask if she's okay with the two of you going out together as a girl's night out. As long as it's only the two of you, it may go over better that way.
    Regarding her debt, remember that women reserve the right for deception, for themselves. They insist on complete honesty from their mates, though.

    My own theory of why it is so upsetting to our SO's is that I believe that we don't fall in love with the person, we fall in love with the person that we believe them to be, based on everything that we think we know about them. The sudden change from being sexually attracted to a masculine male, to a feminine UNmasculine one, can potentially destroy the sexual attraction for her, and once that's gone, away too can go the romantic love. And once that's gone, a woman will want to replace that to feel loved and sexually desired BY A 'REAL MAN', and if that happens it just might be someone else instead of you. Then the marriage is all but over, and potentially the thoughts of realization that her whole life up to that point was all just one big lie.
    I'm not saying all this will definitely happen, but it can.
    Tread carefully. You can't un-ring a bell.
    Wow, it sounds like your ex could be my wife now. I could very easily see my wife being a major NIMBY. Thanks so much for your input.
    I am doing this, really, for selfish reasons. I am sick of the lying and the deception. I want to at least clear my side of the street. You are right there are all kinds of risks. However, IMO if she leaves then it is an opportunity for me to meet somebody else who will accept me for the way I am. I have 2 women in the past who did, so such women do exist. We just have to find them
    Not seeing my children every day would be crushing. However, not being honest with my wife will not lead to happiness either IMO and want my children to see that my wife and I are honest with one another and happy.

    So I will take this risk. You are correct it is a big one. If my wife was angry she could very well be the one showing photos. Thankfully a lot of my friends already know and my family would not really care and I am now retired from the military.
    Thankyou so much for your input you have given me a lot to consider.
    Last edited by Kitty Sue; 01-25-2020 at 08:44 AM.
    Just another man in a dress

  5. #30
    Member DianaPrince's Avatar
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    Hugs to you, Kitty Sue. Wish you all the best.

  6. #31
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    sometimes_miss, My situation is about the same as yours, my wife is very tolerant and understanding of the LBTGQ spectrum except when it come to me. Very low tolerance for my crossdressing. I'm sure that if I was to really push the envelope it would be the end of our marriage (46 years). And I am sure that she would out me to everyone that would listen.

  7. #32
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eemz View Post
    Being bi and being monogamous are completely separate things. If you’re in a monogamous relationship you will still find other people attractive from time to time, but you won’t do anything about it. That’s what monogamous means, right? If you’re bi then some of the people you find attractive will be men, but that’s neither here nor there.

    I’m bi and my definition of cheating is if the other person thinks they’re in a monogamous relationship and they’re not. The sex or gender of the people involved is irrelevant.

    By all means tell her you’re bi in the interests of full disclosure. But it’s just background so she knows more about who you are, right? If she asks why didn’t tell her before I would be honest that you felt the marriage was fragile enough at the time and this was kind of irrelevant because you are in a monogamous relationship so what does it matter who you are attracted to.

    As long as all that monogamy talk is true of course. Which I’m not sure about from the OP to be honest.
    Great points. I don't know anymore if I will tell her I am bi or not. Initially I thought yes, not I am not sure. I am not sleeping with other men and not planning on it. So I don't know if I should tell her not. I am serious about monogamy that was the decision when we married. You are absolutely right about the marriage being fragile when we started. The day of the marriage I had not written my wedding speech and did not know what to say as all I wanted do do was run. I even told my brother, the best man that. However, my wife was pregnant so I felt that I had to. I am glad I did. At the time different story.
    Quote Originally Posted by DianaPrince View Post
    Hugs to you, Kitty Sue. Wish you all the best.
    Thankyou

    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria1 View Post
    sometimes_miss, My situation is about the same as yours, my wife is very tolerant and understanding of the LBTGQ spectrum except when it come to me. Very low tolerance for my crossdressing. I'm sure that if I was to really push the envelope it would be the end of our marriage (46 years). And I am sure that she would out me to everyone that would listen.
    This could be my situation. I hope not though.
    Just another man in a dress

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