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Thread: Meeting with my ex wife

  1. #1
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    Meeting with my ex wife

    My ex-wife and I have been separated/divorced for over 20 years.

    Renee was fully aware of my crossdressing and embraced it. For the most part. She had a love/hate relationship with it. More love than hate. In fact I rarely saw the "hate" part. It disappear for years and then resurface at the oddest times, but only for a little while. Hours at most.

    Renee had an addiction problem, a cheating problem, and a controlling mother. Her mother had three children who all moved out of the state and she worked very hard at breaking up all three marriages to get her children back home and under her thumb. Needless to say it worked.

    Fast forward 23 years. Renee had breast cancer and she recently beat it. We all supported her, including me. Our daughter lives here in town with me, and she and Renee had never really gotten along. Our Granddaughters birthday was a couple of weeks ago and Renee made arrangements to come out here to visit our Granddaughter.

    I pretty much live 24/7 these days, except for work functions, and talked to my daughter Stephanie about it. She never a fan of her Mom's said to just go on like I normally do.

    So Stephanie, I and my Granddaughter all were waiting for her at the airport..in almost matching dresses. Renee took one look at us and a big smile broke out and she came running the last few feet and gave ME a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. I'm not too sure, who was more surprised me or Steph. Of course she gave our grand daughter a big hug and then Steph a bit more subdued hug.

    We did all those things you do when someone comes to town, we took her out to eat and then drove back to our town and to Stephs. When we got there, Renee asked why we didn't go to my house first to drop off her stuff. I asked "Won't your husband be a bit upset?" To which she replied "I really don't care. I haven't been happy in a long time, and everyone knows it. Neither one of us is planning on a divorce. Not because of any love between us, but because neither one of us want to start over. Where I stay is my business, and I have already told him I am staying with you."

    Renee was here for two weeks and she spent time with our Granddaughter and some with Steph. Though I fear those two will never like each other, which has always broke my heart. Still...

    Once our Granddaughter went back to school and Steph back to work ( she is a teacher) Renee and I spent our days shopping and going out to eat and doing touristy things. The whole time as two women. We even went clubbing and dancing a couple of times. It was interesting watching her reactions as the men I knew hit on me/us and bought us drinks and danced with us.

    On the day she had to go back, it was just me taking her to the airport. I dropped her bag off at the outdoor kiosk and we walked in together. She surprised me by taking and holding my hand through the airport. When we got to TSA she gave me a hug and started to tear up a bit. She told me that she had not had that much fun since leaving me and that leaving me was the biggest mistake of her life. Then really surprised me by saying she would gladly go into a lesbian relationship if I came back to California..and her mother be damned ( or words to that affect).

    It's funny. Out here I've built a whole life for me; Michelle. Out there I have sisters and family, and friends and schoolmates, and still living parents. No matter what I do, I'm just not comfortable being "out" in liberal California. I DO go out when I'm home but not in the towns I call home. Out there perhaps five or six people know Michelle. Out here where I live, in the conservative heartland, maybe a dozen people,socially, know my "brother". Sure hundreds of people know my brother through our military service. We keep that professional life totally seperate from my real life.

  2. #2
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Really interesting story. I wish I could be helpful in my comments. I really can't. Sounds as though you both had a great time. Whether that great time would continue if you were both back together and having to settle in again to a daily grind IDK. After 23 years I am sure you have both developed new ways of doing things. Would probably be a lot of changes you would both have to make.
    Just another man in a dress

  3. #3
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    A visit is nice but there was a reason you split in the first place right?
    If she can't be faithful to her present husband what makes you think she would be in a "lesbian"relationship.
    Once a cheater always a cheater.

  4. #4
    Carole carhill2mn's Avatar
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    Thanks for sharing a good-feeling story.
    Hugs, Carole

  5. #5
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Thank you for sharing your relationship story. It really is nice that you have persevered in being you and have your daughter's and granddaughter's approval. That is very heartwarming. I agree with Kitty that after 23 years, all of us have changed. I have a similar relationship with my ex-wife after I came out to everyone as trans (sexual) and am now full time. She was the first to tell me her first gut reaction (surprise, anger, confusion), and then to have have on conversations about it all, while my daughter and son refused to talk about it (son has partially come around and my daughter still refuses to discuss her feelings). Now, though she still does not like the whole "new me" thing, we regularly meet up for dinner, her cooking or me grilling, or out in the city. Our pre-divorce scene was one of extremely poor communication and listening skills.

    After years of therapy, she is now much more communicative, direct and honest with me. Now, we get is a lot of spats (small moments of disagreement or strong emotional outbursts). However, the good thing is that we talk, sometimes apologize for our lack of control and then plan another meal. I probably could never get back together with her because, we have both changed and I don't think I really want to live with her and with her new self. I still love her as a very close person to my life, like a sister and she feels basically the same.

    I have no recommendations because I don't see the need for that and am not even sure you were asking for anything, but were just sharing. My words above is to say that I think I very clearly understand where you are based on my own experience. You will do what you want and/or need to do and I have total faith in you. Enjoy your current place in your life and whatever the future has in store for you. Thank you so much again for sharing because I am living part of your experience.

    Allie

  6. #6
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    Thanks for sharing. Like Allie I did not see anything but sharing. Although I will add that it is very common for a parent, especially a mother, to butt her nose where it does not belong. Some spouses just end up being under that person's thumb. It really has nothing to do with the spouse. My mother tried her best to destroy my marriage. There was a chorus of "Ding dong the witch is dead" when she finally passed.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Tracy Irving's Avatar
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    I enjoyed reading your story. Thank you for sharing it.

  8. #8
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Interesting story, Michelle. Thanks for sharing. Glad you had a nice visit.

    Like the others said, I realize that you were just relaying the story. However, you didn't really share your feelings about your ex-wife (in the present). You indicated how she was in the past, California vs where you live now, the people you know, your professional life being separate, but nothing about what your thoughts are about your ex currently.

    My gut reaction is similar to what Tracii said.

  9. #9
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    On top of what char and Tracii said, you're ex may have said "mother be damned", but my experience with people who come from such a controlling relationship can't change, even when they want to. It's not their fault, their controlling parent knows how to manipulate them.
    Last edited by Robertacd; 01-21-2020 at 07:45 PM.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    As a divorced person, my reaction to your ex wife?s comment in the last paragraph was, I?ll be on my way to California! What a remarkable and heart warming comment. Given her comments about her present marriage, it seems you may have an opportunity that many of us can only dream of.

    I am far less inclined to apply prejudgment against your ex or anyone else. And I really don’t buy into the idea that people cannot change. Of course they can and often people do.

    Easy come, easy go;
    Easy left me long ago...

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    A visit is nice but there was a reason you split in the first place right?
    If she can't be faithful to her present husband what makes you think she would be in a "lesbian"relationship.
    Once a cheater always a cheater.
    You are absolutely correct. Lesbian was her word, not mine. Though I understand how she differentiates in her mind vis a vis my male half.

    I'm not really thinking about it seriously. Too much effort to change my life that drastically. I'm happy where I am. Just pleased it went so well.

  12. #12
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Nice story. Ine thing call my attention to keep talking about "Michelle" as someone different from you.
    How do you define yourself or under which umbrella feel comfortable? Trans, cd...
    See my daily posts and pics on tumblr, just look for @devi-sm
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  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by char GG View Post
    Interesting story, Michelle. Thanks for sharing. Glad you had a nice visit.

    Like the others said, I realize that you were just relaying the story. However, you didn't really share your feelings about your ex-wife (in the present). You indicated how she was in the past, California vs where you live now, the people you know, your professional life being separate, but nothing about what your thoughts are about your ex currently.

    My gut reaction is similar to what Tracii said.
    I loved Renee, very much. And I believe she loved me. She has in fact said so.

    When she left me it was to be a trial separation of a few months; till Christmas. Renee became depressed and hit the drugs pretty hard and one night told her mom about "Michelle". That was all her mom needed. The Mom got her into NA ( which was a good step) and then pushed a real "mans man" onto her, who was also in NA and Renee's brothers roomate.

    Renee became embarrassed by what she had said and how her Mom was telling everyone, near and far. Long story short, she left me for that "mans man".

    I was devastated and came the closest I have ever come to suicide. I hated all three of them...though not my brother in law. He was against her leaving me even after he knew about Michelle. In fact we still talk on occasion. I hated her for leaving. I hated her for taking my children away from me. I hated her for telling me every day of our married life that she loved me and then giving me as the excuse for leaving; "You are a great husband, a great father, a great lover; and I do love you. I just love him more". How do you fight against that?

    For a very long time I hated her. But being wounded in Afghanistan I came to realize that life is too short to hold a grudge. And she was very very good when it came to the children. Visitation of any sort was never an issue. When our oldest daughter wanted to come out to Ohio from California; she never batted an eye.

    After that I started to heal and realized that her life, being married to an alcoholic, sucked. Yes, I admit it made me happy...but I also never said anything to her
    or the kids. For years she would not speak to me and would leave the room when I came for the kids. I just found out that seeing me made her sad.

    Our youngest three children all married in a six month period. So we saw alot of each other a year ago. And with her cancer, I realized that I still loved her. But not as the love of my life, just as a friend. The mother of my children.

    She told me she still loved me, that she had always loved me but was too scared of "peer pressure" to find a way out. I told her that if she really loved me that it would not have mattered. She surprised me by agreeing. She said that she wished she had come out "years and years" ago. Because being with me for just two weeks reminded her of how our life had been and how happy she had been ( though who knows what hindsight that was).

    The bottom line is that I hated her, I healed, and came to understand that she will always be in my heart, but perhaps too much has happened in the mean time for us to get back together. Not the least of which is that both I and our Oldest daughter have established lives here in Ohio. Friendships and connections that now go back over 20 years.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Devi SM View Post
    Nice story. Ine thing call my attention to keep talking about "Michelle" as someone different from you.
    How do you define yourself or under which umbrella feel comfortable? Trans, cd...
    I actually identify as trans. I am Michelle. I just find that it can confuse some people if I don't differentiate. I actually have to think about changing "me" to "Michelle". It is just that I have had people in the past ask me what I meant when I said "me". So I use "Michelle" and "brother" to differentiate who I mean in my writing.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Robertacd View Post
    On top of what char and Tracii said, you're ex may have said "mother be damned", but my experience with people who come from such a controlling relationship can't change, even when they want to. It's not their fault, their controlling parent knows how to manipulate them.
    I would not argue with that. That is my experience as well.

    In this case however; her Mom took the unexpected step of apologizing at our youngest daughters wedding. She, the mother in law, said that breaking us up was a big mistake. She told me she hated the "new" husband and how he had wrecked their life financially....and well every other way.

    I'm fairly sure in these circumstances that she would be supportive of a "coup". I just don't want to do it. I probably would have 10 year ago, but not now.

    Steph and Ryan, her husband, are very happy and are well established out here. My Grand daughter comes over to my place after school and I help her with her homework. We do puzzles and arts and crafts together. Have dinner and hang out till her parents get off work and come get her. It is a good life, and I am loath to do so.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Frannie7's Avatar
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    Michelle, thanks for sharing your story. Although I do not having anything to add or comment on, there is a lot here for us to think about and possibly there are those here for whom this with hit a chord and help.

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    Michelle, thanks for sharing, Time changes people. None of us can predict what is before us over the years. I never expected what my life came to be. She may be staying in a relationship simply because there is no alternative. My mother's two husbands put up with her because it was easier than to go out on their own.

  16. #16
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Michelle, That's a great story.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  17. #17
    Accepting GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    I've thought about this story and I am glad things turned out so well .
    I am with Kim on this that I also know that people can change with time and exp but I think the real issue here would be the MIL .
    I have seen too many mothers for some reason just live to destroy their kids relationships and its a sickness .

    My fiances mom is the main reason we were not married and even at his FUNERAL she was boasting about how quickly she broke up his one very brief marriage 30 YEARS before . Who would brag on such a thing at their kids funeral . It really made an impression and would really steer clear of that woman no matter what she tells you .


    Maybe you and Renee can have some more good visits , maybe even go somewhere together at some point .
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