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Thread: Reality check

  1. #1
    Senior Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    Reality check

    If you are interested in the good and the bad, the joys and the frustrations of who we are, you may enjoy the following.

    The truly great: https://kandis328772669.wordpress.co...uly-blessed-2/.

    The frustrating: https://kandis328772669.wordpress.co.../marginalized/.

    Bottom line, it's worth every bit of it, but know what's out there for you.

    Get out, be smart, be appropriate, be confident and be visible!
    Pictures and stories of every time out: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131254150@N06/.

    Google "Kandi's Land" and visit my blog for positive and uplifting posts!

  2. #2
    Vespa Vixen AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    From what I can gather, the second story applies to a lot of quote unquote regular people as well! But I do think we incite a fair amount of do-goodism, people want to go out on a limb to show us/themselves/others how open and accepting they are. However, after the rush has worn off and the dreaded sober second thoughts have settled in, is when the beastly behaviour takes dominance. I like to think the people meant well and truly thought it was a harmless one-off slight, not realising that for girls like us they can accumulate on a weekly basis.

    I think society has, in general, regressed; it has become ruder and self centred, insular and short tempered. It is this that makes me appreciate, beyond words, the friends I have made.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Kandi,
    If you set aside the your trans situation how different would your second entry be ? I was in business for thirty years as a photographer and I could write a book on other people's BS comments and false offers , OK I possibly made a few myself , I don't feel many of us are blameless on that score at times .

    So how different is it now I'm out as Teresa ? On the whole I'm going to say it's improved , I'm more determined to make things happen and I feel people pick up on that , if I tell someone I'll do something at a given time I would try very hard not to let them down , again people appreciate that . If anyone is unreliable it's usually within the trans community , I realise now that something said in the heat of the moment , a meet up , a shopping trip doesn't always happen . It's usually because they have committed themselves to something they can't go through with , I usually console them by saying , " Don't worry there'll be a next time , I'm usually avaiable if you phone again " .

    I do agree there are bad days as well as good , that is the time to get out , be confident , be visible I always return home all the better for it .
    The real me ,no going back.

  4. #4
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    Uhhhhh, Kandi, many of these people are telling you ?no?. When I moved from the East Coast to the Left Coast many years ago, I tripped over some of the different customs and expressions out here. It took awhile and some misunderstandings to become acclimated. One unfortunate way that a Californian politely gives me the brush off is to use an expression like ?let?s do lunch sometime?. They have no intention of ever seeing me again, but our relationship is civil and they are too polite to tell me just to get lost. It appears that this custom is sadly spreading. I am sorry to hear of your frustration. I understand by experience. Your pain is real. Hang in there. There are worse things in life than being a solo cross dresser out in public, as I am.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Abby,
    I love going solo , but then it's my life now so it's just me ( Teresa ) out doing my chores and having some fun with people I meet .

    Angela,
    You may have a point there , so many are now living their social lives through their smartphone , I'm not sure whether to laugh or shake my head when I see people out sharing a coffee all with heads burried in their screens and making no real contact with the people round them , I'm sure it is killing real social contact and the manners and courtesy that goes with it .
    Last edited by Teresa; 01-26-2020 at 06:49 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  6. #6
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    There's a lot of indifference out there now days. It's best not to take anything personally - ever!
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  7. #7
    Life is more fun in heels Genifer Teal's Avatar
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    Not much more I can say about the lack of follow-through other than it's true. Been there done that so many times. Fortunately not expecting plans discussed during an evening out to necessarily happen. But I always try. Can't give up trying. Just learn not to be disappointed rather be surprised if they do happen.

  8. #8
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Lets get together some time .....and variations on that theme... how many times have you heard it or said it. Mostly its a polite way of saying maybe.

    Easy come, easy go;
    Easy left me long ago...

  9. #9
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Heck, guilty as charged. It's something we all do. We say it more as a social nicety than anything else. Add into the pot the fact we all now live busy lives finding time to do these things can be difficult. I don't take it personally, if I did it'd send me doolally with angst and worry. I just get on with life, stay calm and carry on.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  10. #10
    Member Lea's Avatar
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    I enjoy reading your post and always read your blogs.

    I also wish to be treated with common courtesy and honesty. I treat people the way I want to be treated but I don't expect that behavior returned. At then end of the day I know I am better off than others for striving to achieve that. I want to be known as a person of their word. ​

    I am retired now but when I worked I would always contact people back and not ignore their calls. Many co workers would not return calls. Even in situations that I could not help them I would call back and check on them. Now days that is rare.

    Many co workers would say we should get together etc. and never would unless I was in a position to help them.​

    I called five businesses for an estimate for some work on my house. Only three called back and only two of the three came to the house for an estimate. That is sad when you consider that is how they make their living.

    So many people just say the correct things with no intentions of carrying through.​ Then add the crossdressing to it and they don't know which box to check on their structured list to where we fit in. Many people want to be viewed as open and accepting, want to peek into our life but do not want to deal with it. People have misinformation on who we are and do not to take the time to learn or open them selves up to new ideas and opportunities. However they feel better about themselves by saying how open they are. ​

    I think another aspect to this is social media. It is a double edge sword. It opens us up to so many opportunities to learn and socialize. This site has helped me so much. Go to a restaurant or a store and look at how many people are on their cell phones ignoring the people they are with. People just want to make their lives about themselves.

    I was pleasantly surprised the other day. My neighbor that we used to get together with moved about 15 miles away. We would help each other out and I helped him move to his new house. He invited us up to his house warming and then I did not hear from him. I texted him several times but he never got back with me. I just thought he was ignoring me. Turns out he accidently deleted my phone number. He drove to where my wife works got my phone number and texted me. But the way todays society is I just assumed I was blown off because he moved and I could not do anything for him.

    So regardless of how we present people will just say what is correct and not what they intend to do although the crossdressing ups these occurrences.

    We all have ups and downs and it is easier to remember what is negative in our life vs the positives at times. That is normal. I know you focus on the positive but it is natural to feel frustrated.










  11. #11
    Senior Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by abby054 View Post
    I am sorry to hear of your frustration. I understand by experience. Your pain is real. Hang in there. There are worse things in life than being a solo cross dresser out in public, as I am.
    Abby and those who have been kind enough to comment. Please understand I am not hurt by this. It is simply an observation and to anyone who visits the blog regularly knows, we talk about a lot of things, almost always in a very positive and uplifting fashion. I've been out well over 500 times, in thousands of very public and mostly mainstream places, in front of tens of thousands of people, so I do get the opportunity to see quite a bit and read the reaction to me in the world and it is probably 99% positive. But all I want is a simple "nice to meet you" and not a "let's do dinner". But that's me....


    I love a great conversation, thanks all!!

    Please come back to Kandi's Land!
    Pictures and stories of every time out: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131254150@N06/.

    Google "Kandi's Land" and visit my blog for positive and uplifting posts!

  12. #12
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    I feel the very real frustration in your second post. Unfortunately without any details about some of the events or circumstances that lead you to that, it feels a bit like a tempest in a teapot. What’s going on that these people are blowing you off? Are they friends? Acquaintances? Strangers? What are they asking you to do? Did they reach out to you or did you volunteer yourself? I know you weren’t writing for advice, but answering these questions might allow your readers to sympathize with you more.

  13. #13
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    Thanks for providing some stimulating material for me this morning. Your second post resonates with me. I fully understand as your post exemplifies, although people will not speak ill of you (us) face to face, there is marginal acceptance. How many times do I read of this forum "Just do it! Nobody cares!" if you're a man wearing a dress? Yes, that is true if you're content with walking down Main Street, USA or the aisles of Wal-Mart. If you want more, what's a person to do? Sort of "Guess who is coming to dinner! Not!" I suspect there is a lot of NIMBY. Political correctness run amok.

    I also believe so many people are self absorbed to the exclusion of anything else. I had these experiences with a church my wife and I attended for decades. Rah! Rah! Rah! on Sunday. Suggest we act as a group on something. Nope, not enough time. Try to get father's to help coach the boys' baseball team. Nope, leave it to the older fathers twice the age of the young father who sit in their pickup trucks with their beer bellies. Forget about getting a father to help with a daughter's softball team. Worse than the boys. My wife and I do our thing because collectively the masses have not and will not do it. A pat on the back? Usually, but also, "Why the heck do you do it? said in a manner which conveys my wife and I are totally nuts. That's really striking because the recipients of what we do is for their own kids' benefit. Not mine. They are astonished someone would actually fill a void.

    All I can say, Kandi, is put that shoulder to the wheel and push. There are only two you have to answer to. One is yourself, and, the other is the unseen One who guides you.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    Micki, thanks for the prompting. My sole purpose is education, not complaint. I seek no sympathy. While my life as is true with everyone, has its challenges, I am beyond blessed and being a CD is a nonissue for me. It actually creates adventures and opportunities that I would not have otherwise.

    Allow me to set the stage a bit. I volunteer significantly, almost exclusively in mainstream situations. And I am 100% accepted, I have never had a negative experience to my face (I am sure I have rolled eyes behind my back). For many of the organizations I work for, I do so in both genders and no one cares a bit.

    Quote Originally Posted by Micki_Finn View Post
    I feel the very real frustration in your second post. Unfortunately without any details about some of the events or circumstances that lead you to that, it feels a bit like a tempest in a teapot. What?s going on that these people are blowing you off? Are they friends? Acquaintances? Strangers? What are they asking you to do? Did they reach out to you or did you volunteer yourself? I know you weren?t writing for advice, but answering these questions might allow your readers to sympathize with you more.
    In many different circumstances, I get involved in lengthy conversations with all types of people. All referenced here were initially total strangers, all reached out to me. I have been asked to get together for dinner, been told they wanted me to attend an event like a birthday party, offered help seeking employment, received so many different offers. None are ever solicited by me. In many circumstances, I am given their cell number. One fairly recent example: I had one woman with whom I volunteered and talked with for well over an hour, who held bracelet making parties, almost plead with me to attend a party. I gave her my card with my contact information to send me details and never heard from her again. And yes, I do follow up, but now having had this happen so many times, I never expect anything.

    The dialog this has sparked here and on my blog have confirmed this is not at all uncommon. I'd be happy with a "pleasure meeting you", don't need false platitudes. But hey, that's life!
    Pictures and stories of every time out: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131254150@N06/.

    Google "Kandi's Land" and visit my blog for positive and uplifting posts!

  15. #15
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Thank you very much for sharing. I feel much the same way,marginalized as a man, and as a CDerlady. It really hurts I am not wanted either. My only friend here is a dying 95 yr old man, who does not know i CD. My siblings do not respect me either, and despise me, and if they knew i CD, disown me. I am at the bottom socially too. No one really accepts me for who i am, and all try to change me to their religion, or politics. I have never fit in well anywhere. I do help other people when i have the opportunity, and serve others, though. It is good not to have expectations of others, though. This is a dark time we are in , and will get much worse, but a far better time is ahead after the bad times. I know that i have let other people down, and hurt others too.
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 01-27-2020 at 06:58 AM.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN. See my photos and videos on FLICKR - Alice Longstems.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member Michelle Crossfire's Avatar
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    After reading your blogs and posts here, it would seem that you tend to report on the positives that you have encountered and experienced. Having met you in the past, I know you are a rather open person. Your posts have been insightful and interesting to read and think about as well. I know we have had a few conversations about everyday things as well. I think that what you state in your posting has some merit, I don't think it applies only to CDing or CDers. Most people go about their lives only concerned about themselves and their own little world. People making promises with no intention of following thru with them is nothing new, happens all the time. When I go out, usually by myself, I tend not to communicate unless absolutely necessary, to me that makes it more relaxing. If that makes me marginalized, then so be it. When I am with my wife, marginalized, no. With other dressers, I don't think so. We went to Columbus this past weekend with 2 other dressers to a GNO in Columbus. We were welcomed and treated as equals, but at the same time, was made aware of some of the issues faced by CDers. Everyone has their challenges, some of them come from within, others are external in nature. The fact that you are able to focus on the positives certainly provides encouragement. But as you titled your post "Reality Check", also keeps it all in perspective. Hope that makes sense.
    Call me Michelle

  17. #17
    How did that happen ? Samantha2015's Avatar
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    By no means are you marginal Kandi !! People are just jerks, a lot !!!
    See ya soon !!!
    Hugs
    Samantha

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