First, I should say, I've had a few drinks.
I haven't been able to dress since August. I'm really missing it.
I had a few hours alone today. I just put on some lipstick. My wife comes home and asks why my lips look so pink.
I just said they were chapped and dry.
I hate having to hide. I feel so lonely.
Sorry. I just had to get this out.
Hi Nicole. I can relate. My wife has zero tolerance for even the slightest feminine things for me. I hate being dishonest as well, but after careful thought, my only way out is secrecy. I read your bio, your wife sounds similar to mine. I do not fault her, but dressing is something I need to do like so many others, and I do not want any more fights. I just have to dress when I am out of town for work. It is my only outlet. Not everyone is able to do that so I consider myself lucky.
Sandi
Part of the reason I told my wife I dress was to avoid having to hide things or lie to her
Same for me plus it was causing me mental health issues lying to her. Best thing I did and was lucky to have a loving and accepting wife. xOriginally Posted by bridget thronton
Hi Nicole, sorry you have to hide (my wife doesn't like me dressing but understands how it helps me)
Hope you get some "out of town" time or similar soon.
I have a kayak, so wife doesn't mind if I disappear for half a day or so (I'm usually up with the sun rise, hours before she wakes up on weekends)
See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz
Sorry for your situation Nicole. Like you, I can only really dress when I am home alone, which doesn't happen very often. I know the frustration that is often an integral part of this life style.
I know the feeling. I hid my dressing for almost 60 years until I had to come out and admit that I did that. My wife was not happy having had this kept from her for over 40 years. She was more hurt about the secret than the behavior of dressing in some way or other or as she put it, "Dressing like a woman." ("Dressing like my other self," is a lot more accepting; the other is derogatory.) But that passed and now she accepts that I do it at times but doesn't want to see it or participate in it. I can live with that because she accepts the fact that there is something about me that creates the feelings that produce that behavior. She understands that the feminine identity sense precedes the expression of those feelings in the form of needing to have something feminine present in the way I look so at least other people can have a chance to recognize that I am not just another guy. It does make you feel lonely though. If you can get her to accept you going to a support group of people like us that will help alleviate the loneliness, but it can also produce suspicions in her that there is more to this "support" than you are letting on. You kept one secret; how many more are there? Recognize that is likely to be her thought about it. And it goes along with the suspicion that you might be gay or bi which, in her eyes, drives you deeper into the unacceptable category.
I take it your wife doesn't know the full extent of your behavior or needs. It helps to be out to her and deal with all the possible disapproval, but doing that can be risky. Sadly, hiding might be better than revealing. Only you can decide that. Revealing could be a final straw and leave you even more lonely or it could open up a new world. Very hard to say and even harder to do if you are unsure of her reaction. Is she a woman who expresses a lot of empathy and sympathy toward others? If so, that is a plus, but no guarantee. Some women are very accepting of this behavior in others but not in their husband. Others can surprise you. If she is not that way toward others that are different you will likely have a big problem. The reaction to pink lips seemed a bit harsh, but telling her the truth about something little like that might give you a better clue as to how she might react to a larger reveal. Just discuss it in a kind and gentle way and you might open a door just a crack. Don't be a dominant masculine with her on that as the image and the behavior clash and won't be received well. It is a big mistake to make a reveal in male mode (been there, done that, doesn't work).
Do a lot of searching here. You will find lots of posts and discussions on this subject which might give you some ideas about how to reveal the truth if you decide to go that route.
I am in a similar situation and have not been able to dress fully since December. It's frustrating, lonely and sets our SO's up as "gatekeepers" of our femininity. I am dealing with it in therapy going into only my second session later this week. It's particularly frustrating because my wife is unable to be intimate due to health problems. Between her preventing me from dressing and no intimacy. She comes from a generation that wasn't as open to alternative methods of sexual expression so it's either vanilla sex or nothing. The combination of gatekeeping my dressing and ending our intimate life somewhat prematurely makes her appear more like an annoying roommate than lover and makes her gatekeeping all that much more stressful.
I can relate to so much as my wife is not supportive and as we are oth retired and she does not go out very much on her own my dressing is very limited, but our happiness together has to come first, Hidey
The only possible solution to the "hiding" thing is to bring this out into the open. Talk to your wife about it and see if you can come to some sort of agreement or compromise.
Obviously, we are all in different situations so maybe you've tried this already or maybe you haven't.
Krisi
“Have to” is relative isn’t it? You have to if you want to maintain your marriage. But if that marriage is putting you in a situation where you are depressed and “lonely” then why are you married? Isn’t the point of marriage so that we WON’T be lonely? Just food for thought.
To add to Micki's post. If in your marriage u have to hide things that r important to u from your spouse?
Maybe it's NOT a good marriage.
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
"The combination of gatekeeping my dressing and ending our intimate life somewhat prematurely makes her appear more like an annoying roommate than lover and makes her gatekeeping all that much more stressful."
This really hit home with me. My wife has no interest in me sexually anymore yet still wants me to play the traditional male role. I am coming to the conclusion that the one and only problem she has with me dressing is how it reflects on her.
Last edited by Hannah_; 02-03-2020 at 10:52 PM. Reason: Typo
That would be true in my case. My wife has participated in a grand total of two conversations regarding my crossdressing. Incident one was when I was caught in the mid 80's and shunned by the religion I was involved in at that time as a result of my wife making it known. We were both involved in it at that time and I'm not angry because that was her obligation as part of that organization which we haven't been a part of since 1999. Our second conversation came as a result of me shaving my legs, growing my hair long and getting my ears pierced in the early 00's. Her reaction was to ridicule me and "put me in my place" and saying she didn't want to see me dressed or know about it. That has been our arrangement ever since but I suspect we'll be revisiting the talk again. The odd thing is that my wife is super liberal about LGBTQ issues and watches a lot of shows that deal with it. Our oldest daughter recently came out as a lesbian in her mid 40's and divorced and my wife has been supportive, sometimes throwing digs at me as her perception is that I am not as accepting as I should be...if she only knew.
Ours is a DADT arrangement but there is a large portion of NIMBY (not in my back yard) as well. My wife is a wonderful woman but in spite of her meek exterior is a take charge person who often molds the narrative to her liking. Everyone has their personality and the way we each deal with things so I don't get angry but I do get frustrated at times.
Nicole, i really sympathise with your situation, but Krisi is right. The only hope you have for improvement is to somehow try and talk this over with her to find a working compromise and maybe consider counselling together.
I know it is a daunting task, but if you continue to dress in secret you are surely gonna get caught. If she discovers that you have begun dressing again it will be far, far worse than if you tell her yourself.
Best wishes for progress.
Last edited by Krea; 02-04-2020 at 01:03 PM. Reason: Clarification.
"The only way is onward. There is no turning back."
Just for the record. Nicole's long dissertation on her bio page indicates her wife is aware of her cross dressing and did participate to some extent in the past. Nicole has also been in counseling and has appeared en femme before her counselor. If Nicole has not tried to draw her wife into joint couples counseling sessions, she should. At a bare minimum her wife needs to get educated and not form opinions based on ignorance. Does that means she'll say it is alright for Nicole to sit down on the couch totally en femme, wig and makeup, and watch a "chick flick" together? No, but, perhaps a compromise can be worked out. Yes, perhaps divorce is in the future, but, was everything done to work out differences. My mother-in-law and father-in-law were divorced, and, she still says perhaps their marriage would have survived if "they had just talked more about their differences!"
Hiding something sounds like we are doing something wrong.i don't feel like i'm doing anything wrong and i'm tired of hiding.
I would certaintly agree that it makes sense to try to talk things out first, but at some point it becomes futile as in my case. Looking at Nicole's bio, I see there was a huge blow up over a discussion of painting toenails - something that can be hidden easily by slipping on some shoes. If that will not fly, nothing is likely to ever be permissable - same as my case. Some will never give in, and I am not being judgemental. I just see it as a fact that some wives can never accept it. (Consider yourself lucky if you do have an accepting wife, as some like mine have gone to the extent of name calling which I will not repeat here)
So if there is a zero tolerance, AND you still want to maintain your marriage, you have to make a decisiion. You either have to stop (not so easy), or do it in secret (which is what I do).
The hard part about secretive dressing is finding a balance. How much is enough to keep you statified? I am lucky because I have to travel a lot. I get some freedom in dressing while away from everyone I know. I have more or less found a very fragile balance, which has worked for me a couple of years now. It could all come crashing down for me in a moment, but for now it is working.
Good luck, Nicole. I hope it works out for you and you can find your "balance".
Sandi
It sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat. In my case, back in the 70's, I told my wife about it when our relationship got serious. She stuck with me and we both tried to make it work. I saw a therapist which was no help, (of course) and she tried to accept - but eventually couldn't. Since then its been DADT. I used to get a few Bethany days here and there but now our living
situation has changed and she rarely leaves home. I know Bethany is going to have to start taking some trips out of town to get a little time - can't think of an alternative. Life can be miserable and risky when the pink fog rolls in and you don't have an outlet for it!
When I confronted my situation the primary issues that had to be confronted was explaining who I am, and, why my wife wanted nothing to do with my cross dressing. On both of our parts there was ignorance. My wife did not understand, along with myself, why I wanted or needed to do the things I wanted to do. There was a serious conversation which lasted for sometimes. I was forthright with my answers. Yes, there is a long laundry list any wife is going to have; the gay issue, the transitioning issue. There was also "I do not know why I feel the need to do what I do!" No BS about my "inner woman." No BS about how certain garments felt. All those really are nothing more to a woman than a smoke screen to confront the issue.
My wife had some serious issues growing up as a child and as a young adult. Knowing what I know I can accept why she has declined to participate. Does she go "ape shit" over it? No. She has found a bra or panty out. Pseudo breast enhancements (water balloons) in the kitchen sink. A hint of eye makeup not removed. If we had gone to a therapist decades ago perhaps, just perhaps, we would have reached the same outcome. Respect him. Respect her. All based on getting past the ignorance issue.
Is there a reasonable accommodation able to be reached? Sure. My wife has not mention one iota about my cross dressing since the early 1980's. I also have not thrown anything in her face either. Maybe, it is the longevity of our marriage. We have reached the level of oneness where we know each other. We know what will aggravate the other. Or make us laugh. I'm sure my wife knew I was en femme when she was still working. In retirement mode now. How does that work? She has volunteered one night a month to stay overnight at our daughter's apartment to babysit our grandson, so his parents do not have to shell out $15-$20 an hour. I suspect it is a ruse to give me my much needed femme time.
It comes down to her realizing her husband is the guy she married, and, a little bit more. However, there has never been anything done to negate the person's both of us married.
Another thing that seems to be evident in failed marriages is the unreasonable expectation there is the ideal man or woman out there for each of us. A man or woman without a fault. Marriage is not reality television.
I wish I could have had the expectation of finding an ideal person when I was young. Some of us don't have anyone out there for us, even if they are far less than ideal.
If I had to choose between dressing and a wife, I would choose a wife, hands down.
Vickie, I agree with you 100%. 65, still alone here.
Even with a wife that allows me to dress as I please around the house but male mode around town. I still hate having to hide part time.
I dressed for years hiding it from my wife. One time it was a very hot day and I got her to give me one of her skirts wear. it has grown from there. Now I dress every day and she even helps and buys thing for angie.
Angie
Nicole,
I'm past all that now but I haven't forgotten what it's like to be hiding something we are made to feel ashamed of . I hindsight there's never a right time to come out , it can go either way and once sonething has been said it can't be retracted , in my case it proved that there was no going back from that point .
No matter how often you dress we usually push for more , whatever drives that is very powerful and eventually can't be denied , at some point the hiding will have to stop . Usually it comes to the point of saying something before you get caught , best of luck .
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