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Thread: I had to come out to my daughter

  1. #1
    Member Carolina's Avatar
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    I had to come out to my daughter

    My daughter was visiting these past holidays from her college in the US. While looking for some YouTube videos in our new TV she came across my YouTube history. I didn?t realize my account was in the TV! Apparently she saw all my due diligence videos on transitioning, HRT and its effects, full one and a half hour on vaginoplasty, videos on FFS, Breast augmentation, make up for trans women, fashion, etc, etc.

    Needless to say she was in total shock. She told my wife who also saw the headlines of the videos and both were in a state of panic and shock. Although my wife knew about Carolina she was not up to speed on how advanced I am on my transition desires. My wife (who is not supportive at all) didn?t want to be the one to tell her about her dad, and came out with some lame excuse that maybe someone may have hacked my YouTube account.

    After discussing it with my therapist we both agreed that there was no other way out than to confront and tell my daughter. Seeing all those videos on her own (all didactic, but all on transitioning) she could be imagining who knows what.

    So I did. To ease the shock I mentioned that I have always had these issues and was exploring what ifs, but no decision was taken (a white lie), that I was in a stage of doubts. I didn?t have the courage to tell her about my HRT. She struggled with her ideals of a young millennial, accepting all vs the fact that it was her dad who wanted to become her mom. She has all sorts of LGTB friends and has always accepted everyone, but when it is so close to home, the idealism of a college woman begins to shatter. ?I lost my father figure?, ?my life is ruined? or ?who would walk me down the aisle?? were some of the comments she made to my wife during the following days.

    She wants to accept me, but she really cannot. She settled it in her mind that as long as I remain in the stage of doubts she would accept me. However if there was an outward manifestation of my desires she would not be able to cope with it. That means that as long as I keep showing my male side and behave like a dad she would be ok, but if Carolina shows up she would not be able to cope. Unfortunately that is not accepting at all. But she is young, it was a total shock to her and she needs to process the situation in her mind. I suggested to go to a psychologist back at college but she is strong willed and refuses to do it. I am afraid she has parked the situation in her mind to avoid dealing with it. See no evil hear no evil...

    My wife did not help in the initial discussion with my daughter, stating that she would leave me and the country if I transition. Not great...

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member
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    Just one little bit of advice. Tell your daughter that even if you transition you will never be her mother but you will always be her dad. Transitioning doesn't change that fact............................Leanne

  3. #3
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Give it time. After such a shocking revelation, there is likely little that you can do to help your daughter through this, other than to let her no how much you love her and always will. The sad truth is that she may never accept, but if she does, it's going to be because her love allows her to overcome her fear, and that's just not something we can "make" happen.

    Here's hoping that she comes around, and sooner rather than later.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

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  4. #4
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Carolina,

    I am so sorry that your daughter found about you by seeing all that. Unfortunately, that is the risk that most of us face as we test the waters, learn something about ourselves and then, for some of us, keep taking those little or big steps into our new future trying to be our true selves. I think that you handled it correctly and now you will see and experience over time how your daughter digests and understands who you are, what you have gone through in the past and what your future may look like if and when you decide to move forward. She has a lot to understand and that NIMBY (Not In My Backyard) attitude that she has now, hopefully will erode away to a point that she still loves and can demonstrate that love for you, her parent who has loved and cared for her all her life.

    I believe that you and your wife can and will play an important role in your daughter's life to help her understand and trust that you are doing exactly what you need and have to do. On your part, it is important that you remain consistent in your personality and actions with her and in other areas of your life too that are not trans related. Continue to guide her in her life, help her when she needs help, say "NO" when you need to, and just be the same inner unseen but heard and felt parent that you have always been.

    I also strongly recommend that you keep a good line of communication going with her, including about her schooling, her friends, maybe lovers, her future, what is happening at home back in Spain, your life regarding work outings with Mom and any other things that you did in the past or wanted to talk about but never found the courage. Then during one or more of those regular conversation moments look for an opportunity to talk about her current feelings about you. These will be difficult conversations and maybe you need to start small and then work up to a parent and daughter outing for lunch, dinner or "un cafecito", a little coffee, with sugar and serious conversation between both of you, just the two of you. If your wife ever comes around to support you in some way, then maybe she could join one of these serious talking moments because a united family effort is better.

    I offer you this because that was also my plan with my grown adult children. However, since I did not have much of a good conversation process with my son, that was very difficult and took far too long to take place, because after coming out he did not want to talk about it. My daughter was even worse and I was much closer to her. She said almost the same thing your daughter said about, "I lost my father figure?, ?my life is ruined? or ?who would walk me down the aisle??". The "I lost my father figure" being the most important one for her and the deepest to get her to talk about. I had to work with both of them a long time until I finally got my son to tell me his truth of how he felt about me being me. After that quiet dinner in restaurant and then that burst of anger, frustration in words he felt much more relieved and I much more content. After that we went home to watch the playoffs of our local professional basketball team on television, just like a parent and son would do.

    My daughter never would permit herself let out all her anger, frustrations, etc. in a conversation with me. After a serious argument with her, we didn't talk for over 8 months. Then because of the urging of others, including my son, she finally relented at the last moment to invite me to our annual family Thanksgiving always held at her house. We now see each other and she treats almost the same as pre-transition, but never a word about me being me, nor how she feels about it all. I have resigned myself to this almost there unfinished state of affairs and can see and be with her regularly. However, that personal closeness on her side toward me has been lost and it makes me sad and hurt.

    They were thus informed that their father was transgender long before I actually went full time. I was hoping that way would give them time to absorb what I revealed to them, read up on it and then be able to discuss maturely how they felt about all of this. I also only had what I thought was a good relationship with my daughter and so so with my son. It turned out that now my son tolerates me more and is somewhat more talkative and honest with me than my daughter.

    Even with that history, I believe that you can get back to where you were before with a lot of hard work and adult parental strategy on your parts.

    I really do wish you the best of luck and would l0ove to continue to hear how all of you are doing as you move forward,

    Allie

  5. #5
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    My hearts ache after r reading your stories Carolina and Allie. My daughters are not even teenagers but barely remember me before transition. Years and ago, some on this site were saying to me that it maybe best to keep away from kids until they grow but I didn't think so. You stories are another reminder that older kid may have even harder time to deal with trans parents. It doesn't help when wife is not supporting. My wife does support me at this time and it makes a world of difference.
    Sorry I don't have and advice to give but I keel you in my thoughts.
    Hugs,
    Katya

  6. #6
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Wow! Carolina I guess you speak spanish, I do too because I'm originally from Chile, just in case you want to talk with someone here in you're own language.
    Reading your and Allie's story I feel lucky. I have three sons that are now adult, married with their own families but our lives are connected in many ways. One of them, the younger is a captain in a fire station. I came out to him around 4 years ago but I was a crossdresser. He knows everything about me and now living full time as a woman he took a big step, to present me and his mom to his coworkers under his authority. I ask him before if he was sure and taking a deeper breath he said, you're my dad and always be and I proud of who you because I'm who I'm thanks you and mom.
    Later, talking with his wife, she told me that it took a lot of thinking and conversation between both of them about this big step because firefighters are very chauvinist people, at least here in California, and there are no gays less trans people between them and if it would be known about me, they would probably stop him in his career.
    The middle one is more open and has no drama about me with his wife.
    The oldest son is the one with more problems because his wife doesn't know yet and he has done so many efforts to cover me up. He knows that's very uncomfortable for me but I have just to have patience and help him.
    I trust that time fix everything and I'd been extra warm with her and the only grandson we have, her son, 10 years old, so she can value the person on me and no the gender. Unfortunately we carry years of bad relationship with her but to be trans had taught me to be more accepting with others lives.

    I'm lucky because my three sons told me.one day even they could no call me mom because they have just one, my wife that supports, they are thankful of the person I'd been all my life and are happy that now I'm a beat person, for what my wife tells them about our daily life.

    I agree with what the rest say but I want to add my penny, I'm not a believer of God of hos leaders but Juan Pablo II said something beautiful and powerful that has helped me a lot " the love is more powerful" reading your words I'm sure that you love your daughter and she loves you but there are strong feelings and fears in our unconcious mind. One is the shame or embarrassment that our loved one have to face with world on telling that his, her dad is now a woman. Unfortunately, society is not enough educated or informed yet to skip all the chauvinist feelings and attitudes, as my son had to fight in his heart, to realize that ours is not about sex but about the soul.
    We on this time have a hard battle to fight yet and we must be strong for our children and their children so one day, I hope soon, to discuss about LGBTQ be so out of time as to talk today about slavery.
    Do your duty with love because is the only invisible power that can work from one continent to other.and with the time your daughter as your son did will realize that love is stronger too.

    Love,

    Devi
    See my daily posts and pics on tumblr, just look for @sexyvane,
    At Instagram @nessatrans,

    Facebook, Vanessa Grandy from riverside, california.

  7. #7
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    I just want to express my compassion for you, and for all of us! It is a very painful thing to transition at any age. We can lose people that we love, they may never come back. So I ask myself was it worth the risk? YES! Because otherwise I would be living a lie, a secrete life that I would always be afraid that would accidentally be exposed just like what happened to you. I believe that true, genuine love in relationships requires intimacy which requires transparency.(pun intended!) I hope with all my heart that your daughter gets it, she has a lot going for her in the right direction. Your wife, sadly, is a different story.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    After Dorit comment I want to say something about wives, women. We weren't born women so it's hard for men to understand them because additionally to the unconcious norms and belief that society for centuries has written deep in our minds, there's a different chemistry as hormones. For me having, so far 2 years, the hormones level in my body of a woman, had evolve and ipen my mind to be feelings and way of thinking, if I can use that word, because my main finding is that women, generally talking, dont think but feel. By the other hand, men think they are the thinker what is not true because if there's one head they use is the lower head, generally talking, so there's a big differences in motives and reactions for everything.
    Even thought today's evolved feminist norms, there's a search in the unconcious mind of the woman for safety in all the areas in life. There are some proud of the male she decide to live too and one this person shows now the appearance of a women all those feelings are attacked and is hard for them.to stop to think, there's an unconcious reaction for survival that, as we men can explain our sexual motives and reactions, they, women can't control, understand and much less explain their reactions.
    It's the independence of life that's is under attack and they, women, are better survivors than men.
    So give them time and the opportunity to see a new, better person, independent if the gender on us, but it's going to be a really hard task they can overwrite all their deep rooted rules and laws if life.
    Mho

    Devi
    See my daily posts and pics on tumblr, just look for @sexyvane,
    At Instagram @nessatrans,

    Facebook, Vanessa Grandy from riverside, california.

  9. #9
    happy to be her Sarah Charles's Avatar
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    Carolina,
    I hope with time and an open attitude your daughter will come around to respect your needs and choices. Please stay strong and be patient with her and your wife as they process the sudden change in how they see you. But keep your own needs in mind throughout, honesty about that will be your greatest asset moving forward.
    Good luck.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.
    http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001872677630

  10. #10
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Poorly handled all around 1) you were looking into making major life changes that would have SIGNIFICANT impact on your wife in nearly every area of life without consulting her. 2) when your daughter said she wasn?t comfortable with your transition, you basically implied that there was something wrong with her by suggesting she see a psychologist. 3) by having this sprung on them, you?ve basically associated your transition with lies and deceit in their minds.
    Last edited by Micki_Finn; 02-04-2020 at 12:33 PM.

  11. #11
    Member Carolina's Avatar
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    Thank you all

    Allie I feel for you too. I hope your daughter also comes around to accept you properly. I am secretly hoping mine will do too. It was too sudden for her. I want to give her time. It was very interesting to hear about your son too, and how he finally accepted you, congratulations! I am concerned about my own son too. He is working in New York after college. Even though he is extremely smart, rational and even-keeled, I believe this would come as a bigger shock to him. I dread of the time when I have to tell him who I really am, which at some point I should. I really am a father figure to him and I have no idea how he would take it. I always thought my daughter would be the one to be very supportive, but I guess one never knows

    Since this revelation changes my daughter?s life (or so she believes) she should not have to bear this burden on her own. It would be difficult for her to tell her friends about it, and I requested her not to do it since many of them know me as a dad, and most of them also know my son who just graduated from the same college. Nevertheless she needs someone to talk to. I hope she finds that someone, and if she is a professional like a psychologist even better since she would be able to guide her through her own thoughts and understanding.

    Dorit, I agree any sort of acceptance from my wife is looking bleaker by the day... You know that I admire you and everything you have done in a very conservative community. It takes a lot of courage to follow who you are in a society that may not be too open to trans women. You are an inspiration for me.

    Thank you all for your kind words and helpful advice. My daughter knows how much I love her and care for her (in addition to being her wallet through college ), so I am really optimistic that she would come around at some point. I will go to the States this weekend so I will see her even for a few hours (between her schedule and mine, who knows if I will have time for that cafecito (coffee) with her...)

    Micki, I may not have expressed myself properly.

    On 1) I have informed my wife every single step of the way. I told her about my dressing over 20 years ago. She bought me loads of clothes for Carolina over the years. More recently and since I started to experience a stronger gender dysphoria I have told her about that. I told her about my willingness to seek help before I did, and told her about my therapy sessions, inviting her to come with me or even go without me, I tell her every time I plan to go out as Carolina, inviting her to come and telling her what I did whenever I went out. I discussed HRT with her and would not have started it without her knowing everything about it. I love her and cannot nor I want to lie to her. That is why she has been the first to know when I even started to consider any move towards who I really am. When I was a crossdresser she would not like it but accepted it and helped me. When she realized this was no longer a fetish or a hobby, and saw that I believe to be a woman, she hardened her stance and did not tolerate it. She is not a lesbian and she married a man (comments that I guess most wives may have made), she did not choose this (but unfortunately I believe I didn?t either). So no, she was not kept in the dark not for one second, she is part of my life (at least for now) and I will not lie or cheat on her.

    On 2), as mentioned above, the sudden realization that your dad for 20 years wants to become a woman (true, I will always be her dad even if I am a woman), that shock is too big of a burden for my daughter to deal with it by herself. Since she can not talk about it with friends (general difficulty, shame, and risk of leakages to my son and friends), I suggested to talk to someone, whoever, but if it is a professional, a psychologist, even better. Suggesting a Psychiatrist may suggest a problem with her, but psychologists do not necessarily fix problems with people, but help them organize their own thoughts, and in this case at least provide the sounding board that she desperately needs to be able to process this. Luckily she is a very smart young woman who knows what a psychologist does, and did not take it negatively at all. She just thinks she is strong enough to deal with it by herself (which is extremely hard)

    On 3) On the contrary, I wanted to come out in the open. I would not have chosen this particular timing, but since she stumbled on it, I wanted to clarify everything and anything, to avoid any misunderstanding, deceit or lie. I have told her to ask me anything anytime. She needs time to process this...

    Apologies for the length but you are also my avenue (besides my therapist) to share my thoughts and experiences with my early transitioning and I value all your comments and advice

    Thank you

    Carolina

  12. #12
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Carolina,

    Thanks for the reply and added details. They do need time and I think that may might just as well tell your son as soon as possible too, because your daughter probably will, if she hasn't already. After living, working and integrating into the Latin society over 15 years, Ex is from Argentina, I totally understand social status and how they can be super sensitive about things that may somehow relate indirectly to them, especially something that is relatively new in the public eye like being transgender. As far as I know, only one friend of both my Ex and mine knows about me. My EX is concerned what "others" may think, especially when standing up for someone you love can show a stronger and respected attitude than that of shame. We just have to try our best while expecting the worse while hoping for the best, I.e. be prepared to suffer some.

    Good luck and please keep us informed as to how it goes,

    Allie

  13. #13
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Carolina,
    It's most unfortunate you were outed in this way , that is the problem with social media sites if we don't take care .

    As others have said it will take time , please try and not make any more promises you can't keep , most of us know all about white lies but your daughter needs definite assurances not half truths at the moment .

    I am very fortunate that my daughter is totally on board and supportive , she isn't seeing the situation as losing anyone but she sees it more as gaining . . I have been shopping with her , taken in shows and had days out with her daughter , she doesn't see my issues as a problem , .
    The real me ,no going back.

  14. #14
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Devi SM View Post
    After Dorit comment I want to say something about wives, women. We weren't born women so it's hard for men to understand them because additionally to the unconcious norms and belief that society for centuries has written deep in our minds, there's a different chemistry as hormones. For me having, so far 2 years, the hormones level in my body of a woman, had evolve and ipen my mind to be feelings and way of thinking, if I can use that word, because my main finding is that women, generally talking, dont think but feel.
    Devi
    Devi dear, I have to admit that I do not see this at all in my life. I was born a women in soul, emotions, needs, but in the body of a man. That is why I on one hand suffered so much psychological damage and on the other hand got along so well and understand other women, especially my wife. Isn't this what is called transgender? Transitioning for me, HRT and GCS and all did not make me think or feel more as a women, I already did.

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