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Thread: So I have found myself in an unusual predicament...

  1. #1
    Member Victoria_Winters's Avatar
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    So I have found myself in an unusual predicament...

    Ok. So I don?t post too often about my personal life beyond the fact I CD and now getting into DRAG (Because I?m a total rock star! Lol) but some of you know I am recently going through a divorce. My C-wife made it clear to me she wasn?t interested in any kind of relationship with a CD while we were married. I tested the waters a few times and she was pretty much hell no so I left it as that.

    But...

    We are still very close. More like friends. She is moved on and is already dating someone else. I have opened up with her a lot more about the whole CD thing and she is the one that gave me the idea of trying to get into doing Drag. She is actually strangely supportive of it. She wants to go to a Drag show with me that?s coming up. I?m not performing in this one. Hell she even has been buying me makeup and provided a cover story to my roommate (I recently got a roommate to help pay rent) when package of stuff like my new boots come in.

    So here is the thing. It?s feels really weird since she had made it very clear she wasn?t into the whole CD thing while we were together but now she is super chill.

    What?s everybody?s thoughts on this?
    “Hatred only breeds more hatred.” -The Invid Regis

    “We are star stuff. We are the universe made manifest... trying to figure itself out”. - Delenn

  2. #2
    Member Marianne S's Avatar
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    You can always be friends and companions sharing common interests, but unfortunately a sexual relationship with a feminine partner doesn't appeal to your wife. Too bad! You have my sympathy.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Victoria,

    Perhaps initially it was the shock of the new but now, having had time to digest and reflect, she's coming to terms with it.

    I'd give it a bit more time but at some point, say after she's seen you in drag, ask why can she support you outside of being married but found it so difficult within.

    Perhaps it might make her reflect upon here early responses.

  4. #4
    Member Jessie Mae's Avatar
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    Just my current working hypothesis...

    When a husband or boyfriend comes out to his SO, it's may not be the actual CD behaviors the guy is presenting that causes so many women problems.
    If the male in the relationship is displaying or presenting feminine characteristics, that can challenge the female to examine her own gender and sexual identity and issues. She may not want to pull back that curtain to see what's hiding behind it. She more afraid of her inner self than she is afraid of the CDing. Her negativity directed at her husband can be a projection of her feeling about herself.

    When she says something like "I can't live with CD you." She really means "I can't live with what I might be."
    Two penguins are standing on an ice floe.
    The first penguin says, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."
    And the second penguin says, "What makes you think I'm not?"

  5. #5
    Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    I'd keep i simple. Just fill in the blank...

    Imagine her saying "I could be friends with a _______, but I wouldn't want to be married to one."

    There are TONS of things that would fit in there. Seems like CD'er (or whatever) is one she'd use.

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    She might have compartmentalized her thoughts and preferences. As a friend she may be able to be quite supportive of your lifestyle and interests that could not be supported for some reason when married. That may be your compartment in her mind. To some women, including my wife, being married to a CD is viewed as a negative effect on the wife in the eyes of her friends and family. She is afraid of losing those really important connections to her and perhaps isn't willing to pay that price for continuing the marital relationship. We have compromised because we both value the love we share and, for us, that solves the problem. Still not ideal for either of us, but better than any alternative.

    There are all kinds of possibilities. Women, just like men, are complex creatures. You could talk to her about it, but I wouldn't suggest that. You aren't married now, you have a friendly relationship with your ex which is a big plus, and she is supportive of the direction that you are going. Graciously accept her acceptance and encouragement, be a good friend, and let the rest go. If it turns out she has decided she wants to return don't do a happy dance. Consider it, but be cautious and in a negotiating mood. Most important question would be, "We split up because of my CDing. So why do you want to come back? Without some good reasons and explanations, I might prefer being your friend rather than your husband and going through all that past pain again. Convince me why it would be any different the second time?"

  7. #7
    Silver Member Elizabeth G's Avatar
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    I think SaraLin nailed it.
    It's just the clothes... isn't it?

  8. #8
    Senior Member Kay J's Avatar
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    How long were you married and did you have kids involved?

  9. #9
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Yeah, as you say, she has moved on and your personal preferences are no longer threatening in any respect. Perhaps this will lead to a different kind of relationship, even a better relationship than in the past. You may even come to appreciate and enjoy each other?s company more than in the past.

    Easy come, easy go;
    Easy left me long ago...

  10. #10
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    There seem to be many things we don't know about Victoria's marriage. For example, was CDing a "once in a while thing", 24/7, or somewhere in between. Just my opinion, but are different level's to a wife's acceptance. Taking CDing beyond what she can handle in a marriage may be ok with an ex-wife who doesn't share a bed with a CDer any longer.

    It sounds like the soon to be ex still cares for Victoria but maybe can't live with whatever level of CDing Victoria needs.

  11. #11
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Victoria, that is interesting. Some of the others comments make sense, but I am guessing you did not have to divide up a lot of assets. I had to sit on jury duty to divide up one million in a divorce. The man got screwed in it all. I doubt he will ever talk to his ex. I guess it party depends on how ugly the divorce went in some cases.

    Sandi

  12. #12
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Simply, she is not against crossdressing, she is against the man she is in a sexual relationship crossdressing. It's hard to find a women who is accepting of their man being a crossdresser. I lucked out in that regard. But, I told her before we moved in together to prevent any issues during marriage.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  13. #13
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    It's a lot easier for her to accept you now that you aren't "involved".
    She can be your friend and doesn't have to be emotionally invested.
    Can you see the REAL Me?

  14. #14
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Victoria,
    It's a little bit like the difference between parents and grandparents , the grandparents only spend a few hours with the children , parents live with them full time . Your separation has taken the pressure off your wife , it's no longer her concern how you behave and live your life . I was going to suggest she maybe like my wife and made it clear she wasn't a lesbian , some feel very strongly about that . Encouraging you to do drag , I would take care with that one , again I'm thinking of my circumstances but my wife might hope I would make a complete fool of myself , so she could say " I told you so , everyone thinks you look stupid !"

    Whatever your current relationship the damage has been done , you know how she feels so being good friends is as good as it gets , it's also a chance for you to move on .
    The real me ,no going back.

  15. #15
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    She’s not a lesbian. That’s my thought. Thought this would be pretty obvious. She still likes you as a person and doesn’t mind being your friend, but she’s not attracted to, and doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with a woman.

  16. #16
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    "NIMBY". You know, now.

  17. #17
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Go for it! Many GGs are OK with the CDing as long as it doesn't impact their romantic/sexual lives. Look at all the helpful and supportive sales persons! They likely wouldn't be as supportive of their own CD husbands if the husbands required them to be in a romantic/sexual relationship.

    I applaud the two of you for being honest about your sexual needs, and especially for you respecting hers! Given that a sexual/romantic relationship is not in your futures and you are both pragmatic about it, why not be friends. Maybe you'll find someone you are more sexually compatible with too!

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessie Mae View Post
    If the male in the relationship is displaying or presenting feminine characteristics, that can challenge the female to examine her own gender and sexual identity and issues. She may not want to pull back that curtain to see what's hiding behind it. She more afraid of her inner self than she is afraid of the CDing. Her negativity directed at her husband can be a projection of her feeling about herself.
    It has nothing to do with fear and negative self-perception and everything to do with sexual preferences. How much introspection is required for a hetero GG to determine she is not attracted to femininity. Likewise, most CDers would not be attracted to butch females!
    Last edited by ReineD; 02-08-2020 at 04:36 PM.
    Reine

  18. #18
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    Being on my third wife now (it seems this one will stick), my advice to you is that nothing good can come with being close or sharing secrets with your ex wife. Keep your distance.
    Krisi

  19. #19
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I tend to side with, Krisi. U ask what WE make of your ex's interests? In the end, what we say doesn't matter.

    I would ask U what u make of it?

    If I were u I wouldn't get too involved with your ex on anything as personal as dressing!

    If u 2 want to do something together? Join a bowling league. Or, something where there r plenty of others around to insulate u!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  20. #20
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    To Krisi and Doc, Victoria is much younger than you are. Different generation, different relationship rules. Just think about how different your relationships have been to your parents' or your grandparents' generation.

    I don't know how accurate a Millennial would say is the following article, but you can get an idea of how things have changed.

    https://www.bustle.com/p/how-millenn...ations-2890555

    If Victoria and ex-wife both decide they can be friends, they can give it a go to see if it will work. If it doesn't, they can each go their separate ways.
    Reine

  21. #21
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    This is easy to explain, it is the "not in my backyard" principle. A GG may be more than happy to be friends with a feminine man... but the vast majority would not be attracted to one. When it is your husband in a dress in your home, it is a completely different dynamic than having a friend who dresses.

    She may also be trying to set you up for something. Men usually get the worst deal in a divorce. Watch your back (and have a pre-nup if you get married again.)

    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    It has nothing to do with fear and negative self-perception and everything to do with sexual preferences. How much introspection is required for a hetero GG to determine she is not attracted to femininity. Likewise, most CDers would not be attracted to butch females!
    While that is true, not many men are attracted to butch women... men also tend to be more flexible than women, especially if they have been alone long enough. Men also tend to be less monolithic in terms of what they find attractive than women, and are less choosy (generally.)

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