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Thread: Got caughtby my wife

  1. #1
    Senior Member Glenda58's Avatar
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    Got caughtby my wife

    Got caught by my wife the other morning.

    Needed to take my wife in for cataract surgery at 7:30 AM. So I set the alarm for 5:45 AM. I get up to get ready and my wife walks into my room to get the dog. She couldn't sleep at night. We in a DADT relationship. So she see me I my bra and panties and nightee and has a fit. She takes the dog out and I change.

    In the car she starts telling me she might divorce me and she would tell all my friends and family and how would I feel she did. I SAID OK THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO HIDE ANYMORE. Then she went on to say if GOD wanted me to be a woman he would have. I told her stop right that GOD make me this way. I don't have any bad habits and I always take care of her.

    She hasn't said anything tome about it since other than I should get counseling. We just got home from V-Day dinner.
    GLENDA
    I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

  2. #2
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Glenda,

    I am so sorry. I can relate because that is the way my wife has talked to me in the past. She said that I should go to counseling, not we. Anyhow I understand the pain. Our wives sound similar. Usually I lay low for a while and try to avoid arguments when something like this happens. I pretty much gave up and only dress when I go out of town to avoid what happened to you. Best wishes. I hope things go better for you in the coming days.

    Sandi

  3. #3
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Since she suggested counseling, perhaps the next thing should be an invitation that she join you in seeking it. She may be surprised at the results.

    Easy come, easy go;
    Easy left me long ago...

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member
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    I too can relate. My wife says a lot of disparaging things when it comes to me and crossdressing.

  5. #5
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    Sorry to hear this but personally I think your wife needs counselling

  6. #6
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Glenda, reading your thread I can see that several relate with you on being married to an oppressive woman.
    I would never ever accept that my wife treat with embarrased me. Our relationship has always been based on love. The day that love no longer exist, I don't see a reason to keep living together, and go to a Valentines day dinner? What did you guys talk about during the dinner? I'd love to hear the other side of this story.

    I'm sorry but I was born in a different country, any body there dream with one and live here but I never thought that it could be so common that kind of hiprocresy and fear, abuse and powerless attitude. Why do keep living in a lie?

    I'm honest in my opinions, I'm sorry, but my advice wouldn't be received.

    Devi
    Last edited by Devi SM; 02-15-2020 at 01:35 AM.
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  7. #7
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Glenda

    It sounds as if you wife thinks counselling might be a cure.
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  8. #8
    1.#QNaN Lydianne's Avatar
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    I am also sorry about the conflict you both had. I do find it strange, though, that in a DADT, 1) she walks straight into your room ( and/or you didn't/can't bolt it ), and 2) she said this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Glenda58 View Post
    In the car she starts telling me she might divorce me and she would tell all my friends and family and how would I feel she did. I SAID OK THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO HIDE ANYMORE. Then she went on to say if GOD wanted me to be a woman he would have.
    ..in a DADT.


    Doesn't DADT imply that one's partner is already aware it's going on but does not want to see it, hear about it, or experience consequences of it?

    Therefore, that reaction would have made sense coming from a wife who either didn't know, had been given the impression that an effort was being made to quit, or was absolute zero tolerance about it.


    When setting up a DADT, wouldn't there be bounds drawn up? And wouldn't there be a reasonable expectation of the inevitability that, living in the same house, some stuff would occasionally be stumbled upon on both sides?

    So I would have assumed something along the lines of telling you to be more careful to keep it out of sight if you were dressing out of bounds, or an apology if she mistakenly walked in on time or space that had been pre-agreed for you, or a blind eye and deaf ear (?).



    What Stephanie47 has described in the past, I consider that to be a pure DADT:

    An initial talk:
    Link.

    Quote Originally Posted by Stephanie47 View Post
    ..[SNIP].. That incident precipitated "The Talk."

    Followed by a total shut down:
    Link.

    Quote Originally Posted by Stephanie47 View Post
    I wish my wife would say something. Anything sometimes. But, she clammed up several decades ago. Totally ostrich with head in the sand. She knows I wear women's clothing when the opportunity presents itself. I have no idea if she knows the extent of my wardrobe. So, how does one make a confession of a sin of omission when a wife does not want to hear anything or see anything?

    I was also searching for a post where somebody said that when their wife stumbles upon an item of their clothing, she just puts it on the washing machine and says nothing ( the "DA" ). Again, pure DADT, and even quite generous from the wife not to reprimand her partner for not making sure everything had been taken away out of sight ( as obligated by the "DT" ).


    I never made an attempt at family life solely for this reason; so I don't deal with this stuff. I just found the events strange in what I understand by DADT.

    - L.

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    As terrible as it seems, it might actually be a good thing because it increases honesty. Wives often react in a strong way when this is found out. We all have been trained to think that men are men and women are women and crossing over is a sign of something very wrong going on. It is pounded into us as children. Problem is, the reality is very different. Everybody is a blend of masculine and feminine traits and characteristics. Some are more blended than others and the degree of blending affects the behavior exhibited. Many of these traits and characteristics have a genetic foundation and although they can be modified and frequently are in the course of our life, they can't be eliminated and therefore are always operating. It is why in humans there really isn't a normal except mathematically. "Normal" people are exceedingly rare and when you find one they are that way simply because all of the possible variations just happened to land on the normal point when put together into the total person.

    When I came out I went to a gender therapist and my wife joined me once in awhile. But she never fully accepted that aspect of me. Not sure she ever will. Kind of traditional while I am not. Consider doing what she suggests, but go to a therapist who has a good deal of experience in dealing with these conflicts. Tell your wife that you are going, but don't tell her much about what goes on. In time her curiosity may take over and she will join you. Don't make a big deal of going; just tell her that you are doing what she suggested. A family or couples therapist might be best; I am sure most have dealt with this kind of situation many times. It you are not comfortable with the therapist then find someone you are comfortable with. Not all therapists are equal in their abilities. A comfortable and trusting relationship is essential to effective therapy. One of my daughters is a therapist and she has taught Dad a lot about the process and the profession.
    Last edited by GretchenM; 02-15-2020 at 07:28 AM.

  10. #10
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    My wife and I have a similar DADT agreement. We respectfully don't use that or any other things we've brought into our relationship.
    It's always rock throwing cheap shots that are being generated elsewhere but, you're the convenient target of her frustration.
    I just understand that, although I color outside the lines a little, there will always be people who've just switched off any acceptance for such a thing.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  11. #11
    3dxchat User JuliaGirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glenda58 View Post
    In the car she starts telling me she might divorce me and she would tell all my friends and family and how would I feel she did .... Then she went on to say if GOD wanted me to be a woman he would have.
    Hi Glenda,

    I'm not sure I can really offer much as someone who is so deeply closeted that I feel foolish suggesting any life lessons about dressing and relationships. But I have been married 27 years next month, to a lovely and smart Eastern European woman whose temper and moods run to extremes. If I ever told my SO about my dressing it'd wind up being more along the lines of snide remarks, rolled eyes, something she'd "hang" over me, and an unspoken mistrust that I am somehow "less of a man".

    Those two points in your story that I quoted above? That would hurt me to the core. Telling people out of spite because she can't emotionally handle it? Sounds like revenge to me. And even though I'm an atheist I was raised in a christian home and to have the audacity to tell me that you know what god wants? Hmmm. Wow.

    I'm hoping that both those statements were simply an emotional, non-thinking, spur of the moment reaction. And I agree with the others here ... unless you feel some guilt/shame/issue with you as a human who needs to dress, then it's not you who needs counseling to accept and open their mind to have some empathy.

    I am very sorry for you having to experience that level of shaming. Not cool.
    Closeted for 45 years, so please take any advice I might offer with a massive dose of reality.
    Julia xo

  12. #12
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydianne View Post
    I am also sorry about the conflict you both had. I do find it strange, though, that in a DADT, 1) she walks straight into your room ( and/or you didn't/can't bolt it ), and 2) she said this:



    ..in a DADT.


    Doesn't DADT imply that one's partner is already aware it's going on but does not want to see it, hear about it, or experience consequences of it?

    Therefore, that reaction would have made sense coming from a wife who either didn't know, had been given the impression that an effort was being made to quit, or was absolute zero tolerance about it.


    When setting up a DADT, wouldn't there be bounds drawn up? And wouldn't there be a reasonable expectation of the inevitability that, living in the same house, some stuff would occasionally be stumbled upon on both sides?

    So I would have assumed something along the lines of telling you to be more careful to keep it out of sight if you were dressing out of bounds, or an apology if she mistakenly walked in on time or space that had been pre-agreed for you, or a blind eye and deaf ear (?).



    What Stephanie47 has described in the past, I consider that to be a pure DADT:

    An initial talk:
    Link.




    Followed by a total shut down:
    Link.




    I was also searching for a post where somebody said that when their wife stumbles upon an item of their clothing, she just puts it on the washing machine and says nothing ( the "DA" ). Again, pure DADT, and even quite generous from the wife not to reprimand her partner for not making sure everything had been taken away out of sight ( as obligated by the "DT" ).


    I never made an attempt at family life solely for this reason; so I don't deal with this stuff. I just found the events strange in what I understand by DADT.

    - L.

    Lydianne, as I said before I love the way you write because, as a non native english speaker, is very enlightenment for me.

    The reason of my comments is mostly an answer for tour doubts and of course everybody could benefit from it.
    One of the things that be in HRT has taught me is to better understand women. I don't want to expand myself in this making a comparison between men and women and focus just in women.

    Men are rationals, thinkers, subjected to facts (I don't agree with that self definition of men)
    Women do not think too much just inunderstandable just react, without thinking, can be unpredictable and don't play fair, as you say in a DADT relationship. I don't agree either in this definition of women and explain myself.

    Women are mostly emotional creatures, in all order of things they are guided by emotions and feelings, these are the one that guide their reactions and argument, when the argument time comes.
    If you think on how women react in different environments and situation having in mind the above said will help you to understand them and be a more passable croosdresser.
    I already mention here that for a wife to see her husband loosing his masculinity and embracing elements that she always feel something that belongs exclusively to her is very difficult and hard to accept, there's no reasoning about her husband rights or any agreement. They feel deeply hurt in her survival. Now they feel unprotected and that's and react on surviving and is going to grab whatever attitude to defend what belongs to her.
    You can keep analyzing wives reactions from this viewpoint and everything will make sense.

    That's the way my mind works now and that explains the wall that there's between you and me and in general between cds and trans. Cds keep being men that want to be a woman, so dress as a woman but trans are transformed by hormones into a woman physically and emotional. This is a common sideeffect that many trans expres. Being more emotional than before because now are "feeling" more like a woman and to dress doesn't have the same grade of importance than before and others things get control of their minds.
    Mho.

    Devi
    Last edited by Devi SM; 02-15-2020 at 12:16 PM.
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  13. #13
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    when you are married, you are supposed to love and accept each other no matter what. we arent talking about cheating here, were talking about who someone is. Ive been through the "I married a man" argument. my answer is that you married me, a person. How would the wives react if we said I married a woman, you are not allowed to wear pants or do things that men do. There is a big double standard here.

    quick story. my daughter used to make snide remarks whenever i'd dress pretty. she would tell me how boys should not have long hair or wear makeup. So, being the teacher that I am, the next time the house got dirty, me and my son sat and watched tv while I made her clean. She kept saying how it was unfair, but I told her that boys dont cook and clean, that's a womans work. She really did not like that, but it helped her understand that if you want to live in a situation with defined gender roles, you have to be willing to live up to your genders roles. If you want the freedom/right to bend your genders role, you have to allow others to do the same.

  14. #14
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Hosekid, I completely agreed with what you say but its bard to fight against those gender standards.
    Long ago, when I was just a crossdresser, post pics here of me dressed doing "female" shores showing that that would be a tip to show wives that is not just dressing, to all those excuse themselves of having a bigger femenine side.
    The reaction wasn't good but I wasn't wrong.
    Now I'm a trans woman and last two weeks had to assume my wife's role taking her child day care
    business and it was a very satisfactory experience for me where I could use the new acquired female abilities and skills, ir shouldn't say the dormant skills that now were awakes?.

    Devi
    Last edited by Devi SM; 02-16-2020 at 08:55 AM.
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  15. #15
    1.#QNaN Lydianne's Avatar
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    @Devi SM: Thank you for the reply. I was *only* talking about in a DADT.


    In the absence of a DADT, I *do* understand the attempt to protect a marriage with shock and awe. I also understand trying to protect physical attraction with a similar approach:


    Quote Originally Posted by Lydianne View Post
    ...that reaction would have made sense coming from a wife who either didn't know, had been given the impression that an effort was being made to quit, or was absolute zero tolerance about it.

    How that reconciles with a jointly agreed DADT arrangement in place, given that the two approaches work against each other,.... . I made no implications about differences between male and female. I was only talking about a joint arrangement having been made and both sides abiding by it. I am very confident that both men and women are capable of this.


    I can't assess whether a hormone course would make me assess that differently. Maybe. There are things that make me feel different stuff, so it's not impossible.


    Give me your reply, I'll acknowledge having read it, and then I'm going to keep quiet lest I risk derailing the thread.

    - L.

  16. #16
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Glenda, I feel u should take your SO's advice. See a therapist!

    Almost invariably, after a session or 2 your counselor will most likely want to see u together. To mediate your differences. This may be a good way to come a fair compromise and agreement on your dressing!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  17. #17
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Lydianne,
    I think that my answer can be very short with just a popular said:
    "In love and war everything is valid".
    it's obvious that love is a feeling and that's what I'm talking about.
    War is how a woman, on the described situation, feels, even for them is not reasonable, not normal a man in dresses so that's war for them, if it's not like a war why those reactions over passing any agreements?

    Devi.
    See my daily posts and pics on tumblr, just look for @sexyvane,
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  18. #18
    1.#QNaN Lydianne's Avatar
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    Thanks.

    Regards,
    -L.

  19. #19
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    I think counseling might be a good idea but only if both of you go together. It will put things in better perspective for the both of you.

    All the best ❤️

  20. #20
    Member Star01's Avatar
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    Some of the replies appear to assume that DADT is determined by sitting down and talking things out, coming to a mutual agreement and both abiding by said agreement. In my case, and I'm sure this is true of others, it was more like "I don't want to know about it and don't ever want to see it" with the "offended" partner setting the conditions in an angry state of mind. I think a lot of SO's if they're like mine approach it thinking if they put their foot down and shame us we will stop. Hence the anger when we continue to sneak around and get caught unexpectedly.

    Honestly, at times the feeling of being trapped can be overwhelming but we soldier on because we value the relationship more than our personal expression. This can cause a lot of angst for us and it is a struggle but we can't even think about how our life would be without them.

    We seem to be divided into two camps, on the one hand there are those who are driven to be themselves regardless of the cost and those who suppress our desire. I don't think either way is right or wrong and obviously the dysphoria is overwhelming for some while others seem to keep it compartmentalized. So far I am able to suppress my urges but it's been a couple months of no dressing with no opportunity in sight for the foreseeable future.

  21. #21
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    The day I stopped taking abuse from my SO was the best day of my life.
    Why a bunch of you put up with nasty comments is beyond me because you aren't helping the situation.
    Speak up say whats on your mind if it hurts her feelings well then so what because she obviously doesn't care about hurting your feelings.
    Head Executive Chief of the Dept of Redundancy Dept.
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  22. #22
    Aspiring Member JocelynJames's Avatar
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    This is merely a statement and not gloating. I hold my wife?s opinion highly and don?t know I could or would take it if she was nasty about my CDing. On that note, I thank my lucky stars that I have someone that is ok with it and seems to understand and does not degrade or threaten me. For the most part, my limitations are really set by me.
    If you only knew the power of the pink fog! ~Joss

  23. #23
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    My first Wife hated the fact tat I like wearing Girdles under my guy clothes.
    She went and sued for divorce, blabbing all over town that I was a weird person
    wanting to wear girl clothes. I went 15 years being alone until I met a new person
    who I later married. She was OK with my dressing.
    f she is so one sided, You might thing hard on a Divorce. Spending your life being
    worried about her going off the deep end and telling the world about your secret desires,
    it just not worth it.
    Good luck
    Rader

  24. #24
    1.#QNaN Lydianne's Avatar
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    Star01: That would be me . I wouldn't consider that a DADT. A lot has been written about what to do in the situation you describe with the hope of eventually establishing a DADT by people in better positions to administer advice than myself. Whether it works... well, different wives are different. I can understand the negotiating position would be significantly limited if the marriage has already happened.

    It's a situation I didn't take lightly in making the decision to avoid, and I was probably fortunate to have been in a position to do so, even though I was very young when I did. Some here didn't find out about themselves until after they were married. I have sympathy with both sides in those cases.

    - L.

  25. #25
    Aspiring Member Georgina's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear of your situation Glenda. In my case my answer would be simple; I don't want to be a woman, I am a man and we were created naked.

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