Got caughtby my wife

[Amy Lynn3]

Glenda, so very sorry you must live under a threat. I think I know why you continue. You care ! You think with something other than your emotions. However, I do think you alone would benefit from counseling, to help you deal with a controlling person.

On a personal note, you may want to turn the table on your wife. Tell her if you must live under a treat you will be leaving her. She how she likes that. I don't know your age or if you have small children, but if you do I am sure that must be considered before you do as I suggest.

I do have one thought and want to express my disappointment that the gg's here do not step in and give advise on how to deal with your situation.

[Devi SM]

I do have one thought and want to express my disappointment that the gg's here do not step in and give advise on how to deal with your situation.

Amy you can express your concerns to a gg, there is a section here called "ask a GG". They don't have to be monitoring every thread.

[Stephanie47]

Lydianne (#8)...."I was also searching for a post where somebody said that when their wife stumbles upon an item of their clothing, she just puts it on the washing machine and says nothing.......etc"

That was me. You did some heavy searching in the forum to dig up my posts. Yes, on occasion I have failed to pack away a bra or a panty which was found out by my wife. Yes, she put them on top of the washer/dryer, but, did tell me she found them and where she put them. Nothing more said.

And, if you dig some more you'll find a comment that my wife found I had left my Firefox open to this forum. I had stepped away for a minute which grew to all day. She found my browser open to this forum. She minimized it. She told me she found it open and I should be more careful in case someone else came behind me and saw it. Nothing else said.

In no cases has she made rude comments. No judgements. Nothing about God. In other comments you'll she I do absolutely nothing to push cross dressing in her face. I do not modify my body. Fortunately, due to genetics I am almost hairless. Hardly a hair follicle on my legs and nothing at the underarms. She knows since day one in 1971 that is me, no shaving. She has said after nicking herself that my hairless body is "wasted" on a guy which is said with absolutely no hint of a double meaning.

I don't know if there are outward signs of love and affection between us. Many times when we are sitting together on a park bench or at the jetty at Ocean Sores, WA total strangers will comment upon how peaceful we appear together. Frankly, I could not imagine being married to a woman who would badger a husband with constant hostility.

[Lydianne]

That is clinical. In many ways, I admire SOs who do this to this level. I know you also self-suppress as much as humanly possible. With the knowledge of how I feel now after years of expansion, I admire those here who do this too.

I could imagine a CDer who lives with overt non-acceptance from their SO might wish they had this, but I can also understand somebody who has this wishing for an occasional demonstration of emotion from their SO - even if it's one of non-acceptance. ( I can also imagine a CDer who has what they feel to be too overwhelming SO support, musing fleetingly about DADT ).

Neither sounds ideal. One situation sounds tense, the other one sounds lonely. At the end of the day, it's difficult to imagine DADT being a first choice. You go there as a compromise with the hope for both sides to remain functional when supportiveness is beyond one's wife's comfort. However, it sounds like a lonely experience for both.


Stephanie, it sounds as though your wife can compartmentalise airtight. It wouldn't surprise me if you were to tell us that she can otherwise also brighten the mood in an entire room.

- L.

[NancyJ]

Glenda, My heart aches for both of you. I can feel the pain. And sitting across from each other at a Valentine dinner after such a contemptuous exchange? Oh my! My wife also disapproves and, in my view, refuses to understand. I think you know you have been living on the edge of this bomb going off by sleeping en femme in the same house. Tis was not a matter of if, but when. In that way, it probably is a fight you needed to have. One way or another, clear the air on this.

Be honest that you plan to sleep en femme. Why not, since apparently you are not sharing a bedroom? And I agree with others who have suggested that you take her up on her demand that you go to counseling. Of course, she says it like fling to counseling is for sick people.

I understand how hurtful her words were and how disappointing it is that she does not understand or accept your femininity. Sounds like you have many other reasons to stay together. Hope you work this through. Best, Nancy

[char GG]

by Amy Lynn3:

I do have one thought and want to express my disappointment that the gg's here do not step in and give advise on how to deal with your situation.

I'm sure you realize that everyone situation is unique and the GG's here are partners or have been involved with their own SO's in the past, not counselors. We only hear one side of the story here. We don't actually know any of you or your SO's. So your "disappointment" is actually a bit unfair. I wouldn't tell my best friend how to handle her marriage/partner if she didn't specifically ask my opinion.

Devi is correct. If you truly want the GG's here to chime in, there is the "Ask a GG" section. We may give our opinion but we still don't KNOW you or your SO's.

[Star01]

Lydiannne, thanks for your comments. The marriage took place fifty years ago next month and my first dressing experience goes back to around 12 years old. This thing had been laying dormant, hit me pretty hard in my early 50's and came back again a few years ago. I am in therapy and my approach has been to suppress the urge but that has become more difficult as of late. The social and family cost of coming out would be extremely high and I am a needy person for lack of a better description so that kind of loss would be unbearable. I lost my parents as a kid and became an orphan at 13 so I struggle with the thought of losing loved ones over this more than most people as the very thought panics me.

I appreciate all of the suggestions and help on this board but some members are way beyond where some of us closeted CD's are at in their journey. Some have or are in the process of transitioning and are presenting as female 24/7 so their perspective is obviously going to be much different than a person in my situation. It follows that those in that position and someone closeted like myself would be miles apart on how we approach this.

[Teresa]

Glenda,
Obvioulsy not a lot wrong with her eyesight !!

On a more serious note , this inbetween situation is hard to comprehend for a woman , wearing a nightie usually becomes acceptable but why would a guy want to wear a bra when he has very little to put in it ?

Her outburst is illogical but understandable , she wants a divorce and every one to know , actually she doesn't but she didn't stop to think of the implications of her words .

As Gretchen suggests attending counselling is a fix , so you can return to being 100% her husband . As for God's intervention , simple answer to that , most of us were born with a female trait so who do we blame for that ? It is frustrating when we've supported our wife and family , been a good husband and father all that flies out the window , suddenly all that is valueless and insignificant . My wife know she handled it badly , we are shortly to divorce but she knows she's lost out badly but that didn't occur to her until we had separated . Her attitude and behaviour hasn't stopped me , why should it ? I'm happier now than I've been in a long time , all her forecasts have proved false , I have not lost many old friends and made many new ones , I have been openly accepted as Teresa , she's finally realising what my new life means to me .

Lydianne,
For me DADT didn't work , it was a series of short term compromises where the goal posts moved from one day to the next , living a life walking on eggshells just doesn't work . Some say DADT works for them , the fact the subject isn't talked about doesn't make it go away , it just means one person is living a compromised lifestyle and spends their time attempting to appease the partner .

[Dutchess]

I was sort of afraid to butt in really but ....
For one she does not really want a divorce but she was surely angry .

Am I missing something here or did this happen after a night where she got NO sleep directly before SURGERY ,, and on her eyes too , jeez ...
I am afraid you are going to have to cut this woman some slack , I know that wont be a popular opinion but still .
When I have surgery , and I have had ALOT , I am absolutely TRIPPING , just really anxious and really short tempered and don't want to deal with anyone else's issues at the moment . I mean NONE . I am very very anxious and frankly upset before surgery and really not thinking rationally .
She may be bold has &#** an act like she is not afraid but there is stress for sure . I don't know her but I guarantee she was already stressed before she caught OP .
It is what it is , I would not throw away my marriage - IF I love them and they aren't just beating the heck out of me etc etc - over clothing , I just wouldn't . Like Georgina said we are all actually naked under there .
GD or not .
Naked .

I think you go easy here , continue to talk , OP said they went to dinner on Valentines so things have cooled some . Counseling for the both of you would be great if not individual , to work things out . It can be done . This is not the end of OP's world .

I also agree with Lydianne in locking your bedroom door , if you don't want stuff like this to happen .

[tmonsivais]

Glenda, I am sorry you have to be going through this as some of us remaining something similar. What I have learned is to is to also be patient as this is hard on both of you. You have every right to feel and dress the way you want to as she has every right to feel and be who she wants to. Things become difficult when one begins to be abusive and hurtful and allow anger to get the best of them. You have to keep in mind that your wife has every right to want her husband to a certain way, someone who she finds attractive, etc. This does not mean that your not attractive, but to her there is a part of you that she just cannot accept. When my first wife found out about my love for wearing heels, she could not accept it, I felt guiilty, did not like myself. One day I realized that it was okay for her not to like that part of me and even okay for her not to want to be with him. But it was not okay for me to feel the same way she did. I learned to embrace myself and love everything about me even if it meant losing her. I saw that it was okay is she could not apprecaite me, the person, the man that I am. It was her right so we ended up getting a divorce. Fast forward to now, my current wife has been able to see me, the person, the man that I am and appreciate me regardless of what I wear or the way I look. My point in all of this is be patient with her, she may or may not want a divorce but communicate, seek therapy preferably together so that both of you can figure out what is it you want and can do for each other without sacraficing one self.

[alwayshave]

Glenda, My ex-wife was always threatening me when she did not get her way. Though she did not know of my crossdressing, everything else I did came under scrutiny and a threat of I'll divorce you. The best moment of my life was when I stood up and told her no. When I stopped giving in to her and stood up to her, she realized she could not control me and she changed her story. However, by that point I had had enough and just left. I'm not telling you to leave, but standing up to her was probably the best move.

[Marianne S]

Glenda, I'm so sorry this happened to you. And on Valentine's Day, of all days--the day that should be devoted to love! I too would like to know how the conversation went over that Valentine's dinner.

Sadly, what strikes me is that you may, after much thought, be forced to decide which way you need to "jump"!

I do salute the wisdom of many posters here--Gretchen, among others--not just in recommending counseling (which is always wise), but suggesting that even if your wife is not willing to accompany you, going to counseling yourself might be a way to get her "hooked" into joint counseling; to get her educated and get something sorted out between the two of you.

You might be able to mend your marriage, and as a champion of marriage (and a totally unashamed romantic!) myself, I'd love to see that work for you. Or for anyone! So that's the first thing to try; the "conservative" approach. It obeys that famous "law of the physician" attributed to Hippocrates: "First, do no harm!"

However, if that doesn't work, you might be forced to face a decision. And if so, it's best to see it coming earlier rather than later. As Devi has asked with wisdom of her own: "Is it right for you to continue this marriage?"

Up to a point I've been in both places myself, though not as deeply as you are. Decades ago I was in a relationship with a woman that I hoped and expected would become permanent. As I've mentioned here before, that didn't happen--and it was my choice to leave. It was a painful split. None of us with a heart likes to hurt anyone. But it was the right decision. It wasn't all about crossdressing either. Despite the warmth of our relationship--and she was a "good woman" in many ways--we did have incompatibilities that I believe would have eroded any marriage we had in the end. And while I never told her about my crossdressing, from clues I put together I am convinced that she would never have accepted me as Marianne. I'm sure it would have shattered our relationship beyond all hope of repair.

Instead I took up a lovely woman (my sadly late wife) with whom I was thoroughly compatible--we were so similar in many ways--and who did accept and enjoy me as Marianne. As hard as the decision was back then, I never for one moment regretted leaving one woman to join with another. Some things are "not meant to be"--and some things are.

I know your situation is by no means the same as mine. I have always preached that it is a great mistake for any of us to "project" our own personality or circumstances onto anyone else as if they were the same, when they frequently aren't. The best we can do is to ask "Are they comparable in any way?" I don't know the circumstances of your marriage, how long you've been together, whether you have any kids, what it would "cost" you to leave your marriage--emotionally as much as anything else--though at your time of life that must be one heck of a hard decision. Especially in terms of the limited possibility of forming a new and more accepting relationship, if that's what you want.

I have to admit, too, that I may be different from you in terms of my "need" to crossdress. The main thing, I feel, is whether or not we're comfortable enough with staying in a male role, regardless of our wish to be "female" at times. Some are, some aren't. I am, and I'm lucky to that extent. I was always happy to "play the man's role" to my wife. Conversely, while it was fun, I never "needed" to go to bed in a bra and panties every night. How strong is your own need?

So your situation is not much like mine. Painful as it was, that many years ago, I could afford to say "goodby" to a relationship that wasn't yet anchored and bogged down in kids or finance or years of shared memories. And admittedly my relationship with my wife of many glorious years was never threatened by any possibility that I would let her down by abandoning my "masculine side" that she loved as much as the rest of me. But "your mileage may vary," as the saying goes. Are you on the path toward switching genders?

In spite of those many complications, you may have a decision to face. How good is your marriage really? How much do you share with your wife in terms of common interests, common goals, things that you enjoy sharing together? How supportive are you of one another? Do you take mutual support for granted... or not? How often do you laugh togetner! (My wife and I laughed a lot!) Is your life together fun?

Why do you sleep in separate bedrooms? That's "not normal," you know. Possibly for certain members of the "nobility" in times past, but not among the vast majority of married couples today. Are the two of you that far apart already?

In short, is your marriage actually worth preserving in the interest of your own authentic self? (Which is Devi's point of view.)

I can't pretend to know. I'm only asking the question you may have to face. Confronted with conflict, which way will you need to jump?

I have only one thing to add. If you've had a long term marriage, as I did, we have a lot invested in our past: the lives we've built together; the memories we've shared together. It is never more appropriate than on Valentine's Day, above all, to remember these things. None of us would want to toss away an old relationship we've invested so much in over the years, even if it had serious flaws. So anyone can understand why you, or anyone, would be anxious to preserve their marriage.

But the same may be equally true of your wife. If you've shared many years together, some of which at least were enjoyable, she may have a lot invested in the marriage too. And what future would she face if you split now? In her sixties, perhaps? Females have fewer chances than men of finding new partners as they get toward old age--if that's what she wants.

In short, you do have some leverage. All this crap she's spouting about "divorce": does she really mean it, intend to go through with it? Or is she just venting her frustrations about a "problem" she can't solve?

If you can drag, persuade, cajole, seduce, or otherwise manipulate your wife into joint counseling with you, you may find an answer to that question. As reluctant as you may be to abandon a (probably) long-term marriage, your wife may be just as reluctant, for similar reasons, despite her threats of "divorce." Scads of marriages are far from perfect, but are livable with anyway; far better than the alternative. That old "advice columnist" Ann Landers used to ask the question "Are you better off with him (or her)--or without him (or her)?" So I do suggest you "stand your ground," sympathetically of course, resist your wife's bluff (assuming she is bluffing) about divorce, and don't be intimidated. Good luck!

[Eemz]

Maybe we need to cut the woman some slack. She was going in for eye surgery in the morning and hadn't slept. She was hardly in the best frame of mind and obviously went completely off the deep end in the car. Maybe she regrets some of it now for all we know.

I do agree with Lydianne "wouldn't there be a reasonable expectation of the inevitability that, living in the same house, some stuff would occasionally be stumbled upon on both sides?"

Your wife would never be happy about it, but in that unfortunate collision of circumstances she was not able to cope at all. If the arrangement is that she doesn't come into your room unannounced then ok technically she is to "blame" but that's not actually relevant; it doesn't change how she feels after the fact. Maybe it's just an extra large version of a "normal" DADT violation and the dust will take longer to settle? Just a thought.

[JeanTG]

DADT in my case = Divide Assets and Divorce Tranny... so I have to fly very much below the radar.

[Glenda58]

Just a little incite I'm 72 and yes that's me last year. 2 I have been too counselling before 4 times actually. And this is my 3rd marriage. The reason for 2 bedrooms is that I snore and she can sleep with it and gets cranky.

I told my wife before we got married that I was a crossdresser. I did this because I promise my second wife on her death bed to tell who ever I was to marry so they could make the chose of being with me.

Will we had another talk. She still doesn't like and thinks I'm do more which she is right. I told her the reason I told before we got married was to allow this from happening.

[Fran out]

Marianne, very insightful comments that can relate to anyone in a long term marriage. I have asked myself that question a number of times in my marriage..."are you better off with her or without her". The same question I'm sure my wife has also asked. So after 50 years, you can guess our answers.

[Pumped]

I told my wife before we got married that I was a crossdresser.

She knew before you got married?! This changes everything!

She has no argument. She volunteered for it, she knew of your dressing before hand and could have backed out at that time. She is just being evil and controlling.

You have separate bedrooms. You should be able to do what ever you want in your bedroom. She walked into your space, you did not invade hers.

You have no reason to feel badly about any of this. I don't say it often on this forum, but put your foot down. Remind her she knew before. Tell her if she has issues with your dressing to stay out of your bedroom.

[Lydianne]

She has no argument. She volunteered for it, she knew of your dressing before hand and could have backed out at that time. She is just being evil and controlling.

Four years ago, I could have sworn I had no intention of going out, and a prospective SO might have been OK with that at that time. But four years later . . . .

I'm just saying. Progression ( or regression ) can happen on both sides.

So even with the best of intentions, people can change mind .

- L.

[Star01]

Two bedrooms aren't unusual once we become senior citizens and a good night's sleep becomes more important than the "blanket boogie". In our case the fun, fun, stopped due to health concerns and I enjoy my sleeping area in our lower level where I have my home studio, computer and big screen TV (think sports) in the family room. We slept together for two weeks on an overseas vacation not long ago and didn't do each other in so that is a good sign. And yes, we laugh, raised kids, have grandkids and are very comfortable in our current situation. Aside from my secret hobby we are typical senior citizens approaching their 50th. I don't feel compelled to blow that up just so I can sleep in breast forms and strut around the house in a dress. I mean, I'd like to be able to dress freely but when I weigh out the pros and cons there are still way too many cons. Truth be told we have more buying power together as well. I could see me blowing up my home life and ending up just getting by in a small efficiency apartment unable to afford to do the thing I broke us up over in the first place. Anyone pushing 70 who is contemplating breaking up needs to consider the cost and weigh it against how happy they are in their current situation. When the sex comes to an end you're not going to look at your wife the same way, there's still love but without the physical overtones.

[Pumped]

Star, Trust me, I understand, but this is just wrong. It is not like you popped this into the marriage years later, she knew all along. I think she needs to cut you some slack. You two need to sit down and talk. First off she needs to be reminded that she knew all along. Then set some limits. You should be able to dress all you want in your room, or rooms. If she doesn't want to see you dressed, then she doesn't go into your space without asking.

I understand. My dressing popped up after thirty years of marriage. I didn't push the issue when my wife found out. She didn't volunteer to marry a CD husband so I felt it was fair for me to back down. She said no, and i went way back into the closet and dressed when I was in motels, out of town. I didn't push it, but we continued to talk. Luckily for me she has accepted my dressing.

[mylilsecret8]

Glenda, so very sorry this happened and a fear many of us have. Even if your wife knew before you were married it still may have been a shock to see you in your bra and panties. Especially early in the morning, before surgery. Sometimes people say things out of anger they don't really mean so hopefully she won't really tell others.

Hope all works out well and know you have many here wishing you the best and here to support you!

[Krisi]

If you're in a DADT relationship, getting "caught" dressed isn't really the same as it would have been if she didn't know about your dressing. You need to plan when and where you will dress a little better and she needs to realize that you dress and not just "pop in" without notice.

Counselling might help if you both go together, but you would be hoping that the counsellor will convince her that dressing is OK and she would be hoping that the counsellor will convince you to stop.

In any event, remember that folks who give you marital advice on the Internet have no stake in the outcome from following that advice. It's up to you to work this out with your wife one way or the other.

[Kay J]

Krisi I could not of said it any better you are right on!

[Leelou]

She knew before you got married?! This changes everything!

She has no argument. She volunteered for it, she knew of your dressing before hand and could have backed out at that time. She is just being evil and controlling.

You have separate bedrooms. You should be able to do what ever you want in your bedroom. She walked into your space, you did not invade hers.

You have no reason to feel badly about any of this. I don't say it often on this forum, but put your foot down. Remind her she knew before. Tell her if she has issues with your dressing to stay out of your bedroom.

I agree with this. I kind of assumed that the OP came out to her after the marriage. But if she was told before the marriage, it's not fair to change the rules after the fact.

[Crissy 107]

I agree with Leelou and Pumped but women always reserve the right to change their minds. I am not saying I agree with that or it is fair but just the way it is.