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Thread: Friends who wouldn't understand?

  1. #1
    New Member Brianne_M's Avatar
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    Friends who wouldn't understand?

    The hardest part, and most frustrating thing about what I want to do and who I want to be, is "what will my friends think". I know, "if they wont accept you, then are they really your friends?".. I get that.. But I have some bonds with Brothers and Sisters (I was in the Marines), and many other friends, and I wouldn't give them up. I know how a lot of them feel because I see what they post online, and they are more than open about how they feel. This does sadden me, and disgusts me too, because I would accept them no matter what. Knowing where a lot of them stand makes me want to stay quiet and hidden.
    The friend of mine I mentioned in my intro who gave me the idea, and a lot of the courage to find this forum asked me "would you ever want to go out dressed?" I said "of course! but only someplace I wasn't known.." I want to be who I am on the inside, but I feel it would cost me too much in my life to make it known on the outside. I know a lot of the ladies here have overcome that fear, and I commend you for your resolve. It is that level I hope to achieve some day.
    At best, I can just keep doing what I am doing, and rely on those friends who DO know, and also be here with everyone who understands. For that, I thank everyone. I never felt bad about who I am, or thought "am I doing the right thing?". I just felt good doing it, and I wanted to continue doing it. My only thought and hope is/was "will society ever accept me for ME".

    I apologize if I seem to be rambling.. I have a lot of things on my mind and i'm just throwing my thoughts out there. Thank you everyone.

  2. #2
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Hey BryanA, I know what you mean. I have some of the same apprehension because I know how some of my friends and family think. So I chose to basically lead a dual life because it is much easier to have new friends who only know me as Sandi than it is to worry about how people I know will react. That is just my way of dealing with it. That approach may or may not work for you. I just did not know any other safe outlet for me.

    Sandi

  3. #3
    Senior Member Allison Chaynes's Avatar
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    You are far from alone in these thoughts. I don't tell family any more than I feel I have to.
    Life is too short to be boring.

  4. #4
    New Member SirDonna's Avatar
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    Indeed, and even when decide to tell one more of family life seems to get in the way of finding a good time

  5. #5
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    I work in healthcare, where you'd think people would be more open minded. For years I pondered over whether to tell anyone about my past, my crossdressing, or my TG feelings. Then Caitlyn Jenner came out, and I discovered that most of my supposedly tolerant 'friends', weren't so tolerant after all. Most were of the Not In My Back Yard variety; they aren't bothered that we exist, but they still think that we're perverted freaks. Which is why I remain in the closet. Over the years, I've heard many talking about us, and it isn't pretty. If I came out, I'm sure they'd all be pleasant enough, to my face, but I'd know that what was being discussed behind my back wouldn't be nice at all.

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    One way to approach this at this point is to ask yourself, "Who of my friends and family really needs to know?" Keep in mind that this is a personal journey and going out among the muggles should not be a major part of your behavior until you have achieved a solid confidence in who you are. It appears to me there is still some uncertainty that is fading but not really gone and is still limiting you, whether consciously or not. Going public is a risky action with regard to those who you have known for a long time. Many who fully come out and transition realize that not everyone will stick around. And that is a huge burden. But it is really a question of how much do you really want to completely come out. Roomy closets can work fine, but little ones will drive you crazy. Like some here, I have been dealing with this since childhood and at 75 that is a long, long time. I am still pretty closeted and that works for me and only a few people know with a pile more that undoubtedly suspect. It works. It is not a matter of just doing it; it is a matter of matching who you are, whatever that is, with well considered movement toward being public. The world can be very harsh, but on the whole when you do go out, as many will tell you, people will accept or at least tolerate your presence. What they think is not really important. What is important is the match between who you are and the public experience. You will take that step when you are ready, but if there is strong fear and hesitance pay attention to that. Hold off until you are more willing to take that step. Most will tell you that some fear will always be there because it is new, but in time it will pass.

    I recommend finding a gender identity center that holds support group meetings. Larger cities have them. But Texas is a big place and most of it is probably not very well served with support groups or knowledgeable therapists. Meeting and talking with others who are like you and most of which have faced what you are facing can be very helpful, supportive, and loving. I have been to both therapy and support groups and found the support groups were most useful, but both venues together is best.

  7. #7
    Yendis Sidney's Avatar
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    I read here every day but do not comment often. I sort of have a foot on both sides of the fence. I retired from the Army and settled in an area with a high retired military population. A very good friend of mine is a retired LTC who was a counselor in the Air Force and now has her own practice. She knows of my fem side and we have talked about it often. The majority of her clients now are retired and active duty military personell. She tells me over half of her clients, both male and female are somewhere on the trans spectrum. She was surprised wheb she sat down one day and figured this out. I tell you this just to let you know that there are alot more of us in the military than you think. I am out of the closet to some but I am careful who I tell about Sidney
    Just one last thing, my rerired air force LTC friend is a Lesbian.

  8. #8
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    From the OP

    "At best, I can just keep doing what I am doing, and rely on those friends who DO know, and also be here with everyone who understands."

    And that's what we are good at. Your real life priorities command your schedule. Going out and about in short time envelopes takes planning and situational awareness.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  9. #9
    3dxchat User JuliaGirl's Avatar
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    I'll echo what Allison and the others have said. You are not alone in these feelings. Some of us have been scared of the reaction for decades, and have remained in the closet with our needs and desires to dress. That is even though, like you, I have never questioned why or felt guilty about my dressing up ... it's just who I am. If it ever tore me apart, I'd be open about, but right now it's enough to dress when the opportunities present, and let life and the pink fog roll slowly on without worry. The only people who know about Julia are the amazing community here, and a few other online social games where I can present how I feel in a safe way.

    That said, it gets easier to openly acknowledge who I am as time goes by. I have not only posted a portion of my face as my avatar, I posted a full before/after photo in the male/female picture forum. Yikes! But know what? It was okay!

    Plus, I have a transgendered daughter who recently came out who needs my love and support more than I need to add to anyone's burdens announcing Julia to the world. To me, you're not rambling, you've found a great safe space to share here, and have had experiences like so many here. Welcome!
    Closeted for 45 years, so please take any advice I might offer with a massive dose of reality.
    Julia xo

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Bryan,
    First I'm going to say , " Never say never !"

    What you don't mention is if you are married or have a partner or not , you only talk about what your brothers and sisters and friends think about you .

    The question is also do you have dysphoria and if so how strong ? Usually if people say they have a need to go out in the RW they have a degree of dysphoria . The coming out process takes time , maybe the odd evening walk or a drive round , it's a way of building confidence , the more you do it the less bad you feel about it and also the less people appear to be bothered or interested in it , the mountain is inside your head , it's not real .

    Now I'm totally out I've made more friends than I've lost , OK it does weed out the ones who you thought were good friends but were actually just using you , I look back now and wonder what all the fuss was about , I'm living an ordinary life but I will add a much happier one .

    I will add I don't use social media sites , most people on them aren't genuine friends , so why risk being hurt by them ? If they have to resort to those sites to find friends , perhaps they're not making enough effort in the RW .

    As you say keep doing what you're doing , society will accept you there's no question about it , just be patient and will happen .
    Last edited by Teresa; 02-15-2020 at 12:56 PM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  11. #11
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Bryan, I've gone out dressed countless times over the last 10+ years. But, never near where I live so I mite be identified! It's a great compromise that u should consider. Find a T group near u. But, NOT in your home town and start meeting up with them!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  12. #12
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    No need to apologize for rambling Bryana. As you said, you were just putting your thoughts out there. That is a big reason we're here. Many of us have or have had the same questions. I too have a wife that knows, but doesn't care for it. You mentioned that it would cost you too much to make it known. I hope you can find out who you want to be and a balance that works for you. As you go through life, the cost only increases. You have more to lose (family, career, financially) and can also hurt others more.

  13. #13
    New Member Brianne_M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    What you don't mention is if you are married or have a partner or not , you only talk about what your brothers and sisters and friends think about you .
    My apologies, I had mentioned in my short intro that I am married, but not here. I am married, and she does know that I like to dress. She knew before we were married. Over the years though she has become less tolerant, so since maybe 10 years ago I've done it less and less around her. Only recently did I start doing things a little more overtly. What I plan on doing is letting her know whats going on sooner than later. My first step/goal is to get her to understand again that this is who I am and I haven't changed much in 15+ years. I hope she will be as understanding now as she was in 2005 when I dressed as a cheerleader for Halloween and went out to the bar we were frequenting at the time. She did my hair and makeup for me. Once I get over that hurdle, in time, I will consider the next one.

    Having read the responses, there is a lot of great advice there. One thing I didnt think about its the "need to know" factor.. Who needs to know? As of right now, none of them. Will they ever? Probably not. Maybe it needs to stay that way. Going out dressed is a dream, not a priority. I should focus more on just enjoying feeling good.

  14. #14
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Bryan,
    As you say 15 years is a long time to hope changes may have occured , perhaps she thought it was just a one off so coming out will be that much harder . One thing for sure it has to happen , our needs do not stay still , they evolve in the process of finding ourselves .

    I feel you need to get that hurdle jumped before considering the people on your social media sites , they really shouldn't know before your wife is totally in the picture . At some point in the future you will cross the bridge between who needs to know and who doesn't , I have no problems at all in who does know , the net is so wide now I don't have to hide from anyone .
    The real me ,no going back.

  15. #15
    Heisthebride Heisthebride's Avatar
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    To this day I maintain two camps, those who know and those who don?t. Not unlike wives or SO?s, some will be accepting and others not so much. I don?t think my friends would stop being my friends if they knew, they might look at me differently or not understand completely, because they don?t know what it?s like to be me. But they would still be my friends.

    It?s sort of DADT with them but I?m not hiding it either. I perform around town doing burlesque I almost always have shaved legs and have occasionally gone out to lunch dressed walking down my busy downtown street. I have plenty of friends who do know but they don?t really run in the same circles. Ultimately I just do my thing, I don?t have to tell everyone about it but don?t live in fear of being found out either.

    You be you.

  16. #16
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Don’t this the wrong way, but I feel sorry for you. I too had people in my life that I called “friends”. It turned out that I didn’t know what a friend REALLY was until I came out and found people that not only accepted me, but celebrated me.

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member jacques's Avatar
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    hello Bryana,
    My thought - if this was about some other hobby or lifestyle would there be a problem? If it was about playing tennis, or embroidery, or stamp collecting (just some examples) - I would have some friends, family or colleagues that share my hobby or understand my interest in it and some who don't. They are all still my friends and when we talk we talk about our shared interests and I don't bore them with things they are not interested in. My point is that each relationship we have is unique.
    luv J

  18. #18
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    I find this friendship issue to be somewhat odd. Maybe, it's just me, especially when I was a youth and young adult. First, I would never associate with anyone who would denigrate any group of people whether I was part of that group or not. I don't care, if they are war buddies (Army here) or just plain people I encounter. I find it rather restrictive to have only one group of friends. In my younger days I had friends in multiple groups; school, neighborhood, church. In most instances there was no crossover. If you have this strong pull to be out and about en femme, perhaps the answer is to cultivate friendships with people of similar interests.

  19. #19
    love to hear from u missynicole's Avatar
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    I told a "friend" once and unfortunately he was not accepting at all. He told me I needed counseling and that what I was doing was wrong. I thought he would be the most accepting and he turned out to probably be the least accepting. Since then I have been afraid to tell anyone. There are days it hurts because I can't share how I feel with anyone.

  20. #20
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Stepanie,
    Being out as Teresa means I'm going to integrate with the genearl public and not just in my social group and it's working out just fine , being TG should not isolate us .

    MisyNicole,
    That's very sad but not the norm, don't let one person dictate how you truly want to live , maybe he needs counselling !
    The real me ,no going back.

  21. #21
    happy to be her Sarah Charles's Avatar
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    My experience is mine and I can't suggest you might duplicate what has happened in my life.

    Evidently I've lived a life where I've been there for others when they needed me, helped where and when I could and stayed away (when possible) from those who had strong "moral" beliefs that seemed to be reasons to discriminate. That is the stage and players. My wife caught me but after doing her research decided what she loved about me was enhanced by my feminine side. She and I kept it to ourselves except for out of town and to a local support group. She passed away and after a while I came out to my kids rather than stay in the closet. They had known longer than my wife and kept it to themselves until I was ready to share. Within the last couple of years I've started hormone therapy and have been coming out to more family and friends. They may not "Understand" but respect me enough to accept my decisions. There are a few family members I haven't come out to and may not for a while longer because 1) they have demonstrated attitudes I feel threaten their ability to accept me and 2) I really don't see them very often anyway. If they reject me I've already got a core of support that will be just fine.

    Honestly I've been surprised each time I came out, always expecting the worst possible outcome. It suggests I've been more fortunate than I expected, I've chosen my friends well and my self-confidence needn't be so low. I'll know more by this coming fall as I begin the next steps in my transition, some that will be even more difficult to hide. Oh Well, it's time for me to be happy, I've earned it even if I still have trouble accepting it.

    Good luck to you as you move forward.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.
    http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001872677630

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member Karmen's Avatar
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    Lots of us have the same problem and choose to lead double life because of that.

  23. #23
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    i have the same dilemma my circle of friends is small and we are all in the music business
    as musicians .I've known them for 35 years and I'm at the stage i want to come out to them
    but some times at dinner parties some things are said about us that makes me wonder if they
    would accept me. i hope they would .but you never know .this is the fear that i have to overcome
    for myself . fear is hardwired into us from an early age unfortunately as are most of the social
    apparent norms that we have to deal with most of which i think are upside-down. peace and love
    sophia x

  24. #24
    Somewhere in-between. Krea's Avatar
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    BryanA, most of us understand how you feel as we have also been in that situation. It is difficult because the choices seem daunting: risking coming-out, leading a double-life or being isolated.
    I am only out to my wife (and you great people here!) and unfortunately my relatives, work colleagues & my few social aquaintances are mostly not very LGBT sympathetic. Hence why i consider them aquaintances not friends. Over the last few years i have deliberately drifted apart from most of them and have little interest in resuming contact. It means rather a lonely existence, but i would rather be lonely than be "friends" with people who would not accept me for who i am.
    On the positive side, i have contacted a local trans group and hope to meetup with them soon. Maybe i can make some friends amongst people who will accept me as a CDer.
    Last edited by Krea; 02-19-2020 at 11:16 AM. Reason: Added paragraph, to keep to the subject.
    "Welcome to my scene.
    A place that's in-between.
    Where the squares fit the rounds."
    (Lyrics by Queensryche)

  25. #25
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Micki_Finn View Post
    Don’t this the wrong way, but I feel sorry for you. I too had people in my life that I called “friends”. It turned out that I didn’t know what a friend REALLY was until I came out and found people that not only accepted me, but celebrated me.
    This! True friends will remain friends, and your bond may even be deepened for the sharing you will have done.
    My advice is to pursue counseling. You've made some statements that make it sound as if you aren't quite certain "where this is going". That's OK and very common, but it's something you may want to get sorted out before taking actions which will be impossible to take back.

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