The Journey Home / Farewell to Lauren

[Lauren Richards]

I have been a crossdresser for over 60 years. Starting at an early age with finding delight in my mother's soft underwear and the transformative look of her one-piece bathing suit complete with breast enhancement forms, I progressed to buying my own clothing and becoming very adept at hiding both the clothing and my crossdressing from my former wife and children. After the end of our marriage, which had little to do with crossdressing and more with my unresolved longing to be with someone else, and likely more basically to be someone else, I was fortunate to have a supportive SO who encouraged me to express myself via crossdressing after I shared with her a dream I had about dressing as a woman. This relationship also ended, and in retrospect it was again my being someone else in trying to please her rather than being open and honest about what I wanted and who I was that lead to the parting.

I have enjoyed being a crossdresser, and have learned much about myself while expressing my feminine nature via crossdressing. As a crossdresser off and on for over 60 years, I became very comfortable with being in public as Lauren. I have flown as Lauren (see my recent post if you wish), shopped for groceries, gone to casinos, and lived as fully as Lauren as possible for long periods.

In my most recent relationship, I told her about Lauren the second time we were together. It was important for me to be up-front about this, and it was never a major issue. I was not active while we were together, and this was by choice. I did not purge, and although I significantly reduced the number of items I kept, there were still several boxes in a storage unit with a tag which read "LR".

I have stepped away from crossdressing for long periods, and have generally gravitated back when both opportunity and stress lead me in that direction.
I have enjoyed crossdressing, and have explored the why's as well as the how's as they relate to me over the years. This forum has allowed me to express some of those explorations, as well as share experiences for over fifteen years. It has been a blessing in my life. I hope you who are still reading this have similar experiences.

Two weeks ago, I spent the weekend in Las Vegas celebrating a very special woman in my life. Lauren Richards. It was not only a celebration of the woman within who I have over much of my lifetime expressed and experiences externally as Lauren, it was also a going-away party celebrating the end of the external expression of the feminine nature within me and the embracing of the integration of all that I have learned into one true expression of self.

I wished to say "thank you and farewell" to Lauren in a manner befitting a long and loving relationship. I planned a weekend in Las Vegas, and spent several weeks preparing. I bought inexpensive feminine luggage. I booked the weekend with my timeshare company, and when they asked if I would attend a sales presentation, I let them know that I would be "Lauren" for the weekend. They were happy to oblige (recent post in photo section for more details on this) and I was called Lauren by everyone for the weekend. I fully immersed myself as Lauren, and had a wonderful weekend. I when to a Van Morrison concert, and had lunch at The Eiffel Tower restaurant. I had open and sharing conversations with people I met. The Lauren in me had a weekend of a lifetime. It was a fond and satisfying farewell.

Why?? What?? Wait!! Farewell??

Yes. Farewell. I have been on this journey all my life, and my journey now continues in a different manner.

There was a critical moment in the minutes approaching midnight on December 31, 2019, where I was broken open by a simple statement made by the woman I love and admire. As we sat discussing our thoughts of the changes we would like to make in the new year, she told me that she could no longer continue our relationship due to the hidden nature of my crossdressing. It was not the crossdressing which had pushed her to this decision, but rather the secretive nature of my crossdressing. I had not actively been crossdressing for over six months, so this came as a complete surprise to me. It should not have been.

In truth, my crossdressing was only a symptom of a larger issue, which was trust and honesty. Not only trust and honesty between us, more fundamentally trust and honesty with myself. Although I had thought I had been honest, ultimately, I had not. I broke open in those moments.

My willingness to put the perceived needs of others ahead of my own in a futile effort to "take care of others", suppressing rather than nurturing my core, and erecting shields to prevent others from knowing me fully, and in doing so not allowing me to fully know myself.. .. these were the issues which came flooding through the breaks. Not crossdressing.

I realized in those moments, and in the days which followed, that I had been living a life where I had coasted rather than engaged the larger issues of my life. For example, I have spoken for years of wanting to be "Healthy at 100", yet continued to eat only mostly well and exercise periodically rather than eating and exercising with purpose. There is a difference. I had allowed myself to take the easy path, the path where procrastination and "I'll get to that tomorrow" were more common than fully committing to my stated goals. It is said that "Talk is cheap." How true. I failed to follow up the talk with action, essentially lying to myself about what life I wished to live.

The blessing of an honestly stated thought, shared in a loving manner, has changed me.

This year I am a different man. Crossdressing has been a part of my life, and that is the part I am primarily sharing with you. It is only a part. There is a much larger shift occurring within me, and I am feeling a freedom and attachment to life which I had only previously glimpsed at from a distance through a clouded lens. I am blessed to have been able to have lived and learned. Doors have opened, and I am walking through with both anticipation and confidence.

Lauren has been like a very caring and thoughtful girlfriend to me. I found that I could no longer carry on this relationship and be truthful in my relationship with the woman I love and the man that I am. The extra woman in these relationships is not healthy for me, nor for us. This is a decision I make for me, not for the woman I love. If I were to do this for her, it would once again be me putting others needs in front of my own, and suppressing my true self. Oh, the false hero I have applauded myself for being. No more.

It is out of respect and admiration and affection for myself, as well as the Lauren in me, that I have ended our relationship. A new relationship is developing. I am in the process of integrating her where she truly matters, where she belongs; into the core of my being, into the fully authentic individual I am becoming. In saying "goodbye", I am also saying "hello." No regrets.

I leave you with a few final photos of Lauren: After the Van Morrison concert (it was everything I could have hoped it to be), walking about Las Vegas after a wonderful lunch "In Paris", getting ready board the flight home, and the last photo of Lauren Richards, happy to be heading home, in every sense of the word.

Blessings to you all. May your journey be one of discovery and joy.

Formerly Lauren.