Hi,

I am a 30yo ?male?. In my whole life I tried to live as a normal man. But now I cannot suppress my feelings anymore. I feel that I have to write openly about all my feelings, thoughts and the different aspects of my life. I really need your opinion about my situation.

I know that probably is too late for me to become to a passable woman (when I do my make up I do not like the result, because I look like just a transvestite, and not a nice one). But I cannot live anymore as a man. Nobody knows my secret. From outside I am a ? successful and handsome guy?. But I dream about a totally different life.

In the last 6 months my life changed a lot because I moved to a different city where I am alone. And it was also a turning point for me that I turned to 30yo. I thought a lot about my life and my future. I know that the transition takes a lot of effort and time in such age, but I already know that I have to do this.

Now I know almost nothing about how to ?transform? to a woman. Cosmetics, make up, hair, fashion are all new for me. This is also true for the fashion. I tried to be masculine in my whole life and did not take attention for feminine things. But nowadays I am really interested in everything regarding beauty care. I think if I immerse myself in this world I have a chance to be as feminine as possible (I also think about that I should attend to beauty school).
I think I need a professional support to be as feminine as possible without wasting more time. It would be great that this professional was also a transgender herself. I want to find my female version with her.

Hormones after 30.
Do the hormones work after 30 year? I heard that orchiectomy is also a good option. I have heard the maybe both option is the best in such age.

Relationships and sexuality
I had few girlfriends in my life, but to be honest I felt that they were like friends for me.
I am virgin. I tried to have sex with a woman last year (first time), but I felt no sexual feelings and my penis didn?t not got hard. We tried it few times, but nothing happened. After that I tried to question my sexuality. I was too afraid to try with a man...

I do not feel that I am gay. I feel that first I have to be a woman. I only can imagine myself with a guy if I look like and live as a woman. In the last few months I think a lot about guys. I feel that if I start a new life now maybe I have a chance look to like a woman and find a guy. I think I also suppressed my feelings toward guys..

Fetish or Transsexualism
Earlier I thought that this is normal for a teenager, but now I am 30yo. Then I thought that this is just a fetish. But in more and more field of my life I feel that probably I would be happier as a woman. What would you ask me regarding this? I think I tried to convince myself that ?this is just a fetish?, because in that way I does not need to face with the real deal...

The advantages of late transition
What do you think what are the advantages? I always try to see the good things and it would also help me.

I have written all my thoughts. Maybe too openly. But I think I had to do this, to help to solve my situation.

Vivien