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Thread: Start the transition or suppress the female side? (at the age of 30)

  1. #1
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    Start the transition or suppress the female side? (at the age of 30)

    Hi,

    I am a 30yo ?male?. In my whole life I tried to live as a normal man. But now I cannot suppress my feelings anymore. I feel that I have to write openly about all my feelings, thoughts and the different aspects of my life. I really need your opinion about my situation.

    I know that probably is too late for me to become to a passable woman (when I do my make up I do not like the result, because I look like just a transvestite, and not a nice one). But I cannot live anymore as a man. Nobody knows my secret. From outside I am a ? successful and handsome guy?. But I dream about a totally different life.

    In the last 6 months my life changed a lot because I moved to a different city where I am alone. And it was also a turning point for me that I turned to 30yo. I thought a lot about my life and my future. I know that the transition takes a lot of effort and time in such age, but I already know that I have to do this.

    Now I know almost nothing about how to ?transform? to a woman. Cosmetics, make up, hair, fashion are all new for me. This is also true for the fashion. I tried to be masculine in my whole life and did not take attention for feminine things. But nowadays I am really interested in everything regarding beauty care. I think if I immerse myself in this world I have a chance to be as feminine as possible (I also think about that I should attend to beauty school).
    I think I need a professional support to be as feminine as possible without wasting more time. It would be great that this professional was also a transgender herself. I want to find my female version with her.

    Hormones after 30.
    Do the hormones work after 30 year? I heard that orchiectomy is also a good option. I have heard the maybe both option is the best in such age.

    Relationships and sexuality
    I had few girlfriends in my life, but to be honest I felt that they were like friends for me.
    I am virgin. I tried to have sex with a woman last year (first time), but I felt no sexual feelings and my penis didn?t not got hard. We tried it few times, but nothing happened. After that I tried to question my sexuality. I was too afraid to try with a man...

    I do not feel that I am gay. I feel that first I have to be a woman. I only can imagine myself with a guy if I look like and live as a woman. In the last few months I think a lot about guys. I feel that if I start a new life now maybe I have a chance look to like a woman and find a guy. I think I also suppressed my feelings toward guys..

    Fetish or Transsexualism
    Earlier I thought that this is normal for a teenager, but now I am 30yo. Then I thought that this is just a fetish. But in more and more field of my life I feel that probably I would be happier as a woman. What would you ask me regarding this? I think I tried to convince myself that ?this is just a fetish?, because in that way I does not need to face with the real deal...

    The advantages of late transition
    What do you think what are the advantages? I always try to see the good things and it would also help me.

    I have written all my thoughts. Maybe too openly. But I think I had to do this, to help to solve my situation.

    Vivien

  2. #2
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Vivien, a lot of us have or will transition at 60+! You have a lot to learn and here is at least one place that that can occur! There is much experience, knowledge and opinion here! First let me say that make up takes a lot of practice! Maybe you should try a transformation first and see if this is really where you want to go! You are definately not too old! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
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  3. #3
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    What Lana Mae said!

    If you look at my avatar and profile pictures... I am 61 and just started HRT yesterday in view of a full transition. My avatar and profile pics were taken 2 years ago. I get called "ma'am" sufficiently often in public to feel encouraged. If you look closely it's more obvious that I'm not a cis-woman and my profile is nowhere near as good as the face-on view. I start facial laser hair removal at the end of the month to help with some of that.

    A couple of thoughts come to mind for us older transsexuals. If you observe the "wildlife" as it were when you're in public, you'll come to the conclusion that the difference between and ugly old man and an ugly old woman isn't all that great. So I have chosen to become the ugly old woman, LOL!

    For makeup. Go to a Mac or Sephora store, be up front with them and tell them you are trans and want help learning how to do makeup. My experience is that these shops are very, very trans friendly (I went to Mac myself). You'll learn valuable tips and the cost of the class is applicable to a purchase, if memory serves.

    For makeup II: while the Mac class was of great help, they do, IMHO, go a bit over the top. For makeup, so that you don't look like a transvestite as you said, less is more. The least you can use and get away with, the better. You'll blend much better that way.

    You're 30 and that is still young! My daughter is transitioning at 25. That's not so far away from 30. At 30, your look is much more malleable than at 61 let me tell you.

    Lastly: I did what you are suggesting as one of your options. I suppressed it. I knew I wanted to be a girl since around 8 or 9 years old. In my mid-20s, I reached the transition fork in the road. Alas, I fell in love with the girl who became my wife and I took that fork. I can't say I regret it as three wonderful kids came out of our union, but what I can say is that you can't suppress it indefinitely. I went nearly 20 years without it. Purged and all. Slowly but surely about 10 years ago the feelings started to come back and by 2016 I was fully crossdressing in secret, but still denying that I was anything more than a mere crossdresser, even though I dreamed constantly about HRT and SRS. Now in 2020, I can no longer suppress it. My wife gave me "permission" as it were to go ahead, even though, as she said, she can't support me from within a marriage. It's tough at the moment because she's going through all the stages of grief, and I've elected to not be "in your face" about it until she retires in a month. At which point one of us will stay in this house and the other will stay in our other home, until we figure out a more permanent solution. At that time, a mere month away, I will be going full time and seeking my surgery within a year. One of my reasons for hesitation in my mid-20s was that I tried sex with a man, 3 times, and it was an utter failure each time. I figured if you weren't turned on by men, you couldn't be trans. No internet back then. If there was, I would have discovered that sexual orientation and gender identity are separate issues. It's OK to be a trans woman and lesbian. That's how I identify. I look forward to sex with a woman some day, but as a woman, not with my male apparatus. At the moment I have zero desire for penetrative sex but I do fantasize about lesbian sex a lot.

    It's a tough row to hoe, but I can't see any way out other than transition. Trust me if you are free of attachments at 30, it is far far better to do it at 30 than at 60. As for HRT, YMMV and not everyone responds in the same way, but almost every one of us feels better on HRT. Practice makes perfect and as you gain confidence and finally can to out as your true self, you'll begin to be confident that you can pull it off.

    God bless, go forth and be her if that's the pull you are feeling. If it's a true deep feeling, all the bits and pieces will fall into place over time.
    Last edited by JeanTG; 02-28-2020 at 10:16 AM.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    You are not too old if this is what you want. You will receive a lot of advice here but you need a few sessions with a therapist experienced in gender issues to help get your thoughts organized and make a plan.

  5. #5
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Vivien,
    I appreciate that you direct your questions and open your heart to us.
    Someone already said that here there's too much wisdom (when I say here I mean transexual sections, on just crossdressers you will find a completely different kind of experience)l, before the Rubicon)
    I don't want you feel insulted calling you an ignorant because we ignore so many things in life and that doesn't make us a retarded or something similar (you for sure are finding my english weird but doing my best to a swer and help you) so I will say that you lack a lot of knowledge about transexualism, transition and had already preconceptualize ideas are not true.

    I won't go in details but some very relevant dots:
    Age, you're a baby, I start in HRT almost 2 years ago and now I'm 60 (Lana Mae mention about age too) so cha ges are not too big but today people don't longer misgender me because hormones, more than the external changes, give you a grade of growing confidence, (if you visit my instagram will see a lot if mature and young followers that every day I have to reject, in real life the same happens)

    Make up, if I you could go back in my early post here, around 2015, before I would even learn I'm trans, you will see me, many times, dressed and naked up as a *****.

    Sexuality, this is a very important point, if you are not clear let the life, after counseling, leads you for the right path. On my case, I wrongly laid with more guys than women thinking I was bisexual, today I still happily married to my wife and I'm more lesbian than bi.

    Finally, Vivien, we don't know which country you're so no help about what law or the system requires you for HRT (hormones replacement therapy) or surgeries, so no timeframes, but no worries, YOU ARE YOUNG ENOUGH, to became a beautiful woman, accepted for the world, but all that just after you get into counseling, not just general counseling or therapy but gender therapist. This is the most important step for you and of course, ask here, so much wisdom just for personal experience.
    I cam to this web looking hook up another crossdresser to have fun and I ended being happy, making great and good friends, even i have never met them but writing g you can read an honest person, now I live my real honest life and I'm not alone, I have my wife, three married kids, one grandson and a lot of friends.
    We're not alone, just yesterday I came out to a long time friend that we usually meet just for races season and he congrats me and introduce his husband, he's gay. We're not alone and we need more and more people like you be free and show others your support because the world needs to learn we are good people.
    My best wishes, and mho.

    Devi
    I wish you the best
    See my daily posts and pics on tumblr, just look for @devi-sm
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    Facebook, Vanessa Grandy from riverside, california.

  6. #6
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Hi Vivien!

    I had to laugh when I read your post. I transitioned at 70 years of age! I am a beautiful, feminine woman. I also "pass." It seems that we are all infected with what I may call "ageism." There are beautiful, feminine woman of every age, not just young ones. I would add that something as deep and life changing as transition has to come from within , and not the desire to be beautiful. One question you might ask yourself is do you feel that you are a woman in heart and soul and that you have to express it outwardly? I hope this helps.

  7. #7
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    My thought is, if you're going to transition, there's no good reason to put it off. There is a lot of expense and a lot of pain so the sooner you do it, the more years you get out of it.

    My other thought is, while it's OK to ask strangers on the Internet for advice, this is a really big step and I think you need personal, one on one counselling from at least one trained, experienced professional who specializes in these things.

    Best of luck.
    Krisi

  8. #8
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Vivien,
    Sorry I don't agree with Krisi , it is not something you rush into but it's also not something you are not allowed to rush into for very good reasons . Also you will need the guidance of qualified counsellors but asking for thoughts in this section can do no harm , many members here have taken those steps and are well worth listening to .

    I would suggest you get to know other TG people maybe find a social or help group , you have so many basic questions which you will find answers to once you meet up . Also forget the age question , there is no right or wrong time , you do it when you feels it's right to do so . Also take care not to feel pressurised , living as a TG and not a TS is OK , I'm full time in my new home town . I go out regularly with a good TS friend but I may not fully transition , I've found a balance with social transition and I'm happy , that's the bottom line !!.
    The real me ,no going back.

  9. #9
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    I do essentially agree with Krisi but also with Teresa. Read everything you can, here. Ask all of the questions you need answers to, here. But, you will soon need to see a professional for help. You are alone in the big city. Are you employed, and if yes, does your employer support LGBT? If yes, have you considered living and working as a woman? You will need to do so eventually. Do you have (are you saving) funds, thousands, to cover the high cost of HRT and the eventual surgery? There's a lot more than just wanting in your heart to be a female. You must plan every step of the way. Wishing or wanting isn't planning. Good fortune to you!

  10. #10
    happy to be her Sarah Charles's Avatar
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    It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and could use more than just an on-line forum to sort it all out. See a counselor in your area. It's important to find and resolve each thread with the appropriate tools and choices. Sometimes it's too easy to think gender identity is the cause of anxiety when it's something else entirely, so working through all those things before you make an irreversible choice is a very good idea. I'd also suggest you find a local support group where you can meet and talk with others on this journey. That face to face interaction can be critical in how you deal with your own experience and expectations.
    As far as age goes, I'm in the group that started transition closer to 70 than to 30, so don't let the artificial nature of time be your determining factor. Things happen better in their own time. Good luck.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.
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  11. #11
    Member SarahBJackson's Avatar
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    Vivian, I was 38 when the first time I wanted to be Fabulous. I'm 46 now, and I can tell you, it only gets harder. Find a counselor and discuss your issue. Good luck!

  12. #12
    Member Anne Elizabeth's Avatar
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    At 62 I can attest for me hrt and spiro has work very well. Been on them for a year and four months.
    No they won't change bone structure and I wish some of the changes would move faster but I can say living full-time, a year and month, I have never been happier in my life.
    My recommendation is lots of counseling. I probably spent 4to 5 years in counseling, I read a ton of books, and listened to another ton. All this before I said I have to do this. Now living full-time I am learning that counseling is more important after going fulltime than before. There are lots of things to learn and think about , for me, about being and living a woman. Just learning about interaction with others like your final gender as well as learning how to deal with the other sex. I get looks and smiles from guys and women are no longer afraid to give me eye contact and smiles. It has been fantastic for me.

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    I can back Anne Elizabeth about the hormones (Androcur and Estradiol patches). I'm coming up to my first full month on hormones and the impact has been tremendous on reducing frustration levels and instilling a sense of serenity; the physical changes have been less dramatic but still noticeable, and the loss of libido most welcome as it was a distraction before. Right now my transition is in a COVID-19 induced pause due to the need to isolate myself (diabetic) and still living with a hostile wife until we can work something out... without the hormones I don't think I'd be able to cope.
    Last edited by JeanTG; 03-21-2020 at 09:26 AM.

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member OCCarly's Avatar
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    My goodness how I wish I could have transitioned at 30! I tried when I was 26 but that was 1989 and transition would have meant the loss of my newly acquired bar card.

    I made another attempt when I was 35 (1998). That still would have ended my legal career.

    I finally transitioned at 53 and the hormones were absolute magic!

    I’ve also had a bit of facial feminization surgery and I’m planning more.

    My only regret is that I couldn’t transition earlier. Society just wasn’t ready.

    Carpe Diem, my dear. Life is yours to live.

    Hugs, Carly
    Carries a spray bottle of "pink fog" around with her in her purse at all times.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vivien View Post
    Hi,

    I am a 30yo ?male?. In my whole life I tried to live as a normal man. But now I cannot suppress my feelings anymore. I feel that I have to write openly about all my feelings, thoughts and the different aspects of my life. I really need your opinion about my situation.

    I know that probably is too late for me to become to a passable woman (when I do my make up I do not like the result, because I look like just a transvestite, and not a nice one). But I cannot live anymore as a man. Nobody knows my secret. From outside I am a ? successful and handsome guy?. But I dream about a totally different life.

    In the last 6 months my life changed a lot because I moved to a different city where I am alone. And it was also a turning point for me that I turned to 30yo. I thought a lot about my life and my future. I know that the transition takes a lot of effort and time in such age, but I already know that I have to do this.

    Now I know almost nothing about how to ?transform? to a woman. Cosmetics, make up, hair, fashion are all new for me. This is also true for the fashion. I tried to be masculine in my whole life and did not take attention for feminine things. But nowadays I am really interested in everything regarding beauty care. I think if I immerse myself in this world I have a chance to be as feminine as possible (I also think about that I should attend to beauty school).
    I think I need a professional support to be as feminine as possible without wasting more time. It would be great that this professional was also a transgender herself. I want to find my female version with her.

    Hormones after 30.
    Do the hormones work after 30 year? I heard that orchiectomy is also a good option. I have heard the maybe both option is the best in such age.

    Relationships and sexuality
    I had few girlfriends in my life, but to be honest I felt that they were like friends for me.
    I am virgin. I tried to have sex with a woman last year (first time), but I felt no sexual feelings and my penis didn?t not got hard. We tried it few times, but nothing happened. After that I tried to question my sexuality. I was too afraid to try with a man...

    I do not feel that I am gay. I feel that first I have to be a woman. I only can imagine myself with a guy if I look like and live as a woman. In the last few months I think a lot about guys. I feel that if I start a new life now maybe I have a chance look to like a woman and find a guy. I think I also suppressed my feelings toward guys..

    Fetish or Transsexualism
    Earlier I thought that this is normal for a teenager, but now I am 30yo. Then I thought that this is just a fetish. But in more and more field of my life I feel that probably I would be happier as a woman. What would you ask me regarding this? I think I tried to convince myself that ?this is just a fetish?, because in that way I does not need to face with the real deal...

    The advantages of late transition
    What do you think what are the advantages? I always try to see the good things and it would also help me.

    I have written all my thoughts. Maybe too openly. But I think I had to do this, to help to solve my situation.

    Vivien
    Thank you for sharing this. And thank you to LANA MAE for summing it up so perfectly. If you think it's for you, you can always try before you buy. A lot of fluid individuals have been harshly judged by some trans persons for being halfway in/halfway out. But the ultimate decision to live as a woman full-time forever is not made lightly. Do it on your terms.

    I've been through many of the phases you described and myself have settled into a generally heteronormative lifestyle as (mostly) a guy who enjoys sometimes thinking as and feeling as a woman and I'm thankful to have supportive female friends who are happy to let me be whoever I need or just want to be on a given day. I like that you know the person need to help you with everything and I hope you find her. As for your age, Girl, please. You're never too old to make the move!

  16. #16
    Rotten 80's child Nicole Erin's Avatar
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    At first things may be rough but as you live more and more as your chosen gender, life becomes just normal.
    I am not ugly but am visibly trans and life is normal. I am not discriminated at my job, people treat me just like anyone else, I don't catch hell when I am out.

    I guess my advice to anyone wanting to live this who doesn't pass well enough to just blend in is - find a company or line of work where gender isn't discriminated. At my job, there is plenty of advancement opportunity if someone is career driven. However, I am personally not the career-type.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  17. #17
    Senior Member rachael.davis's Avatar
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    If you do nothing a year from now you will be 31, and still spinning your wheels.
    who you are isn't going to go away if you ignore it tomorrow any more than it did in any of the last thousands of days you've tried to walk away, and live as a man,
    Put the rock down, you live in a greenhouse.

  18. #18
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    As you can see, there is no easy answer.

    I think you could carefully look at each answer and get as much info as possible
    and you have to get really serious about how you think...how you think about the world, how you think about yourself and try your best to answer these questions from a good mindset that reflects your true feelings..
    and think both short and long term.. Put yourself out there 10 yrs...20 yrs...

    is it better to try at least to "stick it out" ?? perhaps it is... perhaps it will give you valuable information about what is right for you..
    or perhaps you are just looking for confirmation of what you already know?? my advice on that is dont do that~~~!!!! LOL... this is your life
    I am real

  19. #19
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Kaitlyn, I mostly agree with you but talking about future, next 10 years, next 20?...I wouldn't do that because, in a normal life, we don't know what is hide for us in the future, being trans that's more real. We are stepping in a really unknown land. If I would do that, I would never ever imagine where I am today, who I am, how I do look and what I like. Just to mention something, I read here most of trans marriage end soon, in my case things had been very different, we keep daily learning and transitioning day by day. Wife is slowly adapting to me and I'm adapting to myself too but slow.
    I think that more to give advice, what we can do is share our experience, our journey, it sometimes is similar to others but there can be huge differences and everything is writing on water, no rules....
    Mho...

    Devi
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  20. #20
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    I hear you. Let me be clear..

    its a thought exercise.. it helped me alot...

    I looked out 20 years... thought of me as a guy...thought about 30 years..maybe im critically ill...how would I feel??? I could really internalize the feeling of wasting my life in that way... I could go to that moment and feel the feeling of regret I would have if I got to 70 and had not lived one moment as myself....I had the terrifying thought..."I will have literally wasted my life".

    see what im saying?? so yes I 100 percent agree with the sentiment but I actually think that's the whole point of looking ahead... can you. look ahead and be ok with yourself...
    todays events are a good example of what you are saying and how im looking at it...

    I really like your comment that you could have never imagined what you'd look like or what it would be like to transition... I think that's a helpful reminder...I think most of us are really surprised

    its important to say that was me and my experience and this is you and your experience...

    .. that's why its helpful to be open minded and ask everybody... take the risk and listen to haters and cheerleaders and see how you feel... there will just as many opinions and reactions day to day...

    that's the only thing would add by the way.... I cant stress enough that I learned transition is EVERY DAY....say it again...EVERY DAY.... you gotta be ready for that because when you are confused and thinking about the future...its a very high intensity feeling... if you transition its a high energy exhausting journey (gosh I hate that word but its apt)... and then its a year in... la dee fricking day... time for an electrolysis appt... I hate the way I look... sometimes I feel like everybody is looking at me...ugh my voice is awful... my sister still hates me... my friends that 'support me" didnt invite me to the golf outing... my cousin told my parents she wont come to thanksgiving because of me... time to dilate again (or if you dont go that way..time to tuck in the little guy...ouch)..... after all that you still have to say....im glad I did what I did...

    for me personally my comfort comes from KNOWING with total certainty that I HAD TO.... it took me about 3 solid years of 24/7 obsession and loss of any ability to really feel alive... so I had too... that idea is so powerful and many trans people that got to their 30s and older before transitioning have felt that way... its too strong to say dont transition until you have to...that can be confusing and doesnt apply to everybody... but I do think its a good way to think of it if you are sputtering along not sure what to do...it may be that have to wait for that moment of realization before mustering up the courage and energy and to do something..

    actually that was kinda cathartic to type that out...


    Vivien what you think...you can see how open we are.. I hope you are getting some value and its a good practice for you to keep writing and thinking even if you are confused and uncertain...
    I am real

  21. #21
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    When I was in Guadalajara for FFS and BA several years ago I asked Vicente, my host and after-caretaker, if I was the oldest person that has had surgery there. I was 67. He said that the previous year there was an 80 year old trans woman there for surgery. She said that one day as living as herself would make it all worth it.

    I try to look to the future, as Kaitlyn describes, I try to look back to where I left off pretending to be someone else. For me there is no way I could have continued being someone I pretended to be. Also, there is no way that I can be anything but what I am, inside and out, now or in the future.

    I do not like the word journey either. It is an experience, necessary, lonely, exciting, frightening, rewarding, costly, painful . . .

  22. #22
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Vivien,

    If I'm reading (between the lines) your post correctly you have little experience in actually presenting enfemme in the real world. Before you give real consideration to transitioning you need to spend some considerable time living full time as a female. You need to know, to experience that which GG's experience in the daily lives. I can't see a reputable physician considering you for transition therapy if you've not spent significant time dressed and out in the real world.

    If you haven't been following Teresa's posts then I recommend you do some homework. You need to be mirroring how she lives day to day. Anything less is asking for trouble further down the line. You need to fully know what your life will become. There are no shortcuts.

    If my interpretation of your post, of your lifestyle is wrong, off the mark then, of course I'll stand corrected.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vivien View Post
    Hi,
    Relationships and sexuality
    I had few girlfriends in my life, but to be honest I felt that they were like friends for me.
    I am virgin. I tried to have sex with a woman last year (first time), but I felt no sexual feelings and my penis didn?t not got hard. We tried it few times, but nothing happened. After that I tried to question my sexuality. I was too afraid to try with a man...
    You were probably just nervous. It does not mean you are gay. It happens to many men their first time. You were also denied affection for a very very long time, and physical touch and being close to someone is new experience, it may take some time for you to be used to and condition yourself to respond to a partner.

    Transsexualism is a long and painful road in the best cases. Don't be so eager to go down it. I hope you are not a TS, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Talk to a professional.

  24. #24
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    well...this OP is one of those join a forum then never log in again posts...at least for now..
    all talking to each other..LOL
    I am real

  25. #25
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Houston
    Posts
    1,285
    LOL. Kaitlyn you are correct as usual. But hey, it was good to get together.

    With that lets consider this thread closed.

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