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Thread: Out of control lately

  1. #1
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Out of control lately

    Good grief I do not know what has gotten into me this week. I have been going out in public wearing my breast forms everywhere, except around my wife. It is a huge adrenaline rush but I am going to get busted for sure by my wife or someone close to me. I had been experimenting with new ways to attach my forms so I can go braless with a clingy shirt. I have such a great bounce with my setup that I just can not get enough of it, and I feel like I am about to have a train wreck over it. Somebody talk some sense into me. Ugh.

    Sandi

  2. #2
    Junior Member MaryAnn1963's Avatar
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    Sorry, I cannot talk some sense into you... because I just too jealous.

  3. #3
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    My wife would absolutely blow a gasket over it. I almost think that somewhere in the depths of my subconscious that I want to get caught, but the logic side of my brain tells me it would go VERY badly. I keep doing it practically under her nose. It is very high risk and causing my stress to spiral out of control. Darn good thing she can not figure out how to operate the security cams.

    Sandi

  4. #4
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    Sandi, I do understand the feelings. I also understand the risks, as you certainly Do. Risk taking may yield an adrenaline rush, but you have to ask yourself if that momentary high is worth the risk. So, for a moment, consider those risks. Before you go out next time and indulge yourself, make a deal with yourself: Do not go out again until you have advised your wife of your intentions. If you cannot bring yourself to tell her, then do not go.

    Think of it like going out drinking. Yes, there is the alcohol induce euphoria, but is it worth the risk of a DUI?

    Easy come, easy go;
    Easy left me long ago...

  5. #5
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Of course you are right Kim. I guess I am having withdrawals because I have not had a business trip since I got back from Vegas on Feb 1. I have had no opportunity to dress fully since then. Sometimes my creativity gets me in trouble. What I did was figure out how to use gorilla tape to attach the the back of my form. Then the tape only sticks to a band of ace bandage which goes over my shoulder and is taped at the end to my waist clincher on my back. It is actually quite comfortable and very strong. I use a dab of skin tac to keep limit the bouncing , but gee is it fun. The amount of movement is amazing. I went and had lunch at Applebee?s dressed using that under my shirt. No one said anything. Hopefully now that the thrill is lessened a bit my rationale will return to normal, sigh.

    Sandi

  6. #6
    Silver Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Sandi, Slow down girl, as much as you are enjoying this I am pretty sure it is not worth the problems you will incur when your wife eventually finds out.
    Crissy

  7. #7
    Honesty Is Not A Sin Vicky_Scot's Avatar
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    Sandi get a bloody grip of yourself lassie
    Don't Take Life To Serious, It's Only Temporary

    CHOICE
    It is often wrongly assumed that a person chooses to be transgender and one day decides they want to live the remainder of their life as transgender .This couldn't be further from the truth. Transgender is established sometime during pregnancy, probably in the first three months and certainly well before an individual is able to make a choice.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    The thrill, whether from the exhibitionism or the threat of being "caught", or both, is the reward in your case. Take it from me, a lifelong adrenaline junkie, you might want to sort out the TG feelings and the adrenaline rush. They're not quite the same thing, and indulging both at the same time may not be a good long-term plan. Have you considered rock climbing or bungee jumping?
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

    https://groups.io/g/gno-houston

  9. #9
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Right you all are. It is difficult when you do not feel like you have any real friends you can talk to about this stuff. I suppose that is why I came here in the first place like so many of you. It is easier when semi anonymous for those of us who live with secrets. Just kind of sad feeling today. I guess the stress of this pink fog has caused a break in the dam of emotions today.

    Sandi

  10. #10
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    I empathize with you Sandi Beech, and I'm sorry you have to deal with such frustration and self-doubt. I know it all too well. Since I've been working out early each morning, (today is day 48!!, yea for me), I've been adavancing my dressing a little more and more. Can't help it. Too much fun. Started with some underdressng (sports bra and yoga pants). I've bought more things, and now it's my whole workout outfit. Yoga top, forms, a sweet velor hoody sweatsuit outfit that is perfectly snug to show my shape. Girl sneakers, hats, pink gloves or these adorable gloves with a cheetah print on the end. With a colorful scarf I love seeing my shadows as I pass under the street lights. Makes my workout amazing. Never really planned how much I'd look forward to working out.

    But the risk is very high, too. If the wife gets out of bed, if a neighbor stops or recognized me. God forbid I slip on some ice and fall and get hurt.

    My advise is prepare yourself. If you take such risks, you will be found out, one way or another.

    Is there another way you can get your thrills and lower the risk? For me by starting out at 4:30 or 5:00 am, it's pretty quiet out there. And that actually allows me to enjoy the activity even more - with lower risk. It's quelled some of the pressure when I can't dress.

    Good luck. Keep us informed how you are progressing. As we tell the kids, "Make good decisions."
    Kathleen

  11. #11
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Thanks Kathleen and others who responded. Much appreciated. Taking it one day at a time.

    Sandi

  12. #12
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    I learned a l-o-n-g time ago that if you have to sneak around to do some thing, you probably shouldn't do it. How's Momma gonna' react when (and it's WHEN, NOT IF) she discovers this charade? Which is more important IN THE L-O-N-G RUN--the immediate self-gratification, or keeping your relationship intact?
    Just sayin'.......
    Jon

  13. #13
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Sandi,

    Clarify something for me please. You say, " I have been going out in public wearing my breast forms everywhere". So are we talking fully enfemme or in drab or something halfway? When I first read the post I assumed you were wearing your forms under non femme clothing which pushes the envelope even further.

    If it is the case that this is you dressed enfemme then doing so with forms is the logical thing to do but from what you've written it doesn't sound as this is the case.

    Having that bounce is a sensation those who wear forms get to experience. It makes inanimate objects feel as if they're part of us and being drawn to it is something many will understand. Remember, one of the reasons GG's wear bras is to at least limit if not stop such motion. It's one of those things were enough is as good as a feast. A modicum of movement is by far more realistic than having a pair of "Bouncing Betty's" announcing your arrival.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  14. #14
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    High Helen. I did not make it all that clear. I had been experimenting with the forms when my wife was out shopping. Once I got the results I liked, I started wearing them under my clothes in drab mode except a couple of times I wore women?s white shorts and pantyhose, but most of the time just men?s clothes. I was wearing a men?s shirt that is very light material so the shape was quite obvious. Our weather is mild in the daytime so it was just a shirt. I wore them into stores 6 days in a row. Pharmacy, grocery, and even a restaurant today. I thought I had my life in balance though somewhat fragile. I was doing this mostly when my wife was asleep in the morning. She does not sleep well and sets her alarm for 9:30 am. All it would have taken is someone to ring the phone and wake her up to see me walking in the house dressed like that. That is why I said - out of control. Talk about risky behavior. Sometimes I do not understand myself.

    Sandi

  15. #15
    Member Taylor Dame's Avatar
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    Sounds like you really want to get caught, especially since you are wearing men's shirts made of light material. If your wife doesn't know about your dressing, you are likely playing with fire.
    "When you come to a fork in the road, Take it!" - Yogi Berra
    I guess I did!

  16. #16
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Taylor , she knows I like wearing pantyhose but that is about it. The last time I got busted was 3 years ago and she threw her yogurt across the room and it went all over the furniture and carpet. Then she cut up my hose into a million little pieces and left them for me to clean up. So thanks for making me remember why I do NOT want to get caught in reality. I should know by now, but that dang ping fog blurs the mind sometimes.

    Got to keep saying to myself - don?t be stupid Sandi

  17. #17
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Sandi,

    Thanks for clarifying things. Geeezz, talk about playing with fire. If you haven't already, stop! If wearing hose generated such strong reaction then I'd make sure she can't get at anything sharp when she finds out as it might be you she wants to cut up.

    We all understand how these desires can overwhelm us. One of the skills we have to acquire is patience. Knowing when it's the time and place for us to do something that we'd rather not have others know about.

    Time for a deep breath and admit this is a step too far and end it before it ends your marriage.

  18. #18
    Silver Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Helen_Highwater View Post

    We all understand how these desires can overwhelm us. One of the skills we have to acquire is patience.
    This is a very true statement and something most of us need to learn.
    Crissy

  19. #19
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Thanks Helen and Crissy. I was thinking about it a lot as I was going to sleep last night and came to the realization that I am not trying to get caught, I just do not want to have to take them off because I am enjoying them so much. That is why I have been pushing the limit to wear them as much as possible. One thing I have never mentioned is that I have fairly large breasts naturally, and I got where I like how they look when suntanning. So around 2018 I went to a female plastic surgeon to talk about breast augmentation. The cost was going to be $6000 and I actually went as far as setting a date but chickened out realizing that showing up at home with implants would cause an instant divorce. That was the last time the pink fog sent me out in left field. Fortunately I came around. For the most part I am a pretty normal person, but this stuff just makes me crazy sometimes.

    Sandi

  20. #20
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    As you have found it is very hard when you get into this state of mind. Been there, done that. It is my impression that perhaps it is the pleasure, the high, you feel when doing this. It has a firms and deep grip on you and you are perhaps addicted to the endorphins that are released with the behavior. But, quite frankly, I think you have lost control of yourself and your feelings and may be consumed by self. Thus consequences are thrown aside in favor of the feelings of pleasure you get.

    Large boobs (advanced gynecomastia) with male expression is not a common thing, but with some cancer treatments that happens, but most men try to obscure it rather than enhance it. However, it is always very embarrassing for them. With you there is part of a feminine gender factor involved which complicates things considerable.

    But you are also married, have seen how your wife reacts, and yet continue to push the limit. You are out of control if you are willing to sacrifice your marriage for pleasure. You can stop, but it takes tons of self discipline to do it and a lot of jaw clenching effort. I think you might consider seeking therapeutic help. If your wife asks what you are doing tell her you are dealing with a personal problem that you will share with her at some point. Then through the therapist introduce the problem to your wife so it is revealed to her in a neutral environment moderated by the therapist. It is worth considering this route because it shows her that you are willing to face the facts and are considering her needs in it all. Otherwise, unless you can dredge up a huge amount of self discipline to stop doing what you are doing and pulling back, you are in a bit of a self made trap. But no matter what happens, the reveal needs to happen under controlled conditions. There are many ways to develop an agreement where you are allowed to be yourself under certain conditions. But understanding by her and some degree of acceptance is needed first.

    Keep in mind secretive behavior is seen as being untrustworthy by your mate and that expands into many other areas of your relationship. Without a controlled release she will not trust you again for years, if ever, unless she is one of those special women where love seeks resolution and acceptance. Based on past behavior she does not seem to be one of those. Action time is now before the worst possible thing happens.

  21. #21
    Junior Member MaryAnn1963's Avatar
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    Sounds to me like you are covering yourself in gas and playing with fire...please be careful and watch you step.

  22. #22
    Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Gretchen. I can understand what you are saying but not so sure it would work for me. 3 years or so ago when I got busted with the pantyhose, we went to a female therapist and I kind of liked her. She gave my wife a homework assignment of reading up on crossdressing. She may have even come to this web site. I do not recall , but I had looked at her web cache to see what all she read at the time. She declared that everyone with this problem, as she put it, ends up divorced. She declared she was never going back to the therapist , and all discussion stopped at that point. I was upset and went on a shopping binge for women?s clothing and that is how I ended up where I am today. Deeply closeted with the wife. Anyhow I have totally given up on any level of acceptance with her history of reactions to dressing.

    FYI, I toned it down today. I am going to put my stuff back in the attic for a while. Hopefully. I do think you are pretty accurate with the description of the highs I am getting from it. It is never enough so I keep escalating it to try to attain the same level of the fix

    Sandi

  23. #23
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    If the wife catches you she might glue the forms on so you can't take them off.

  24. #24
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sandi Beech View Post
    Thanks Helen and Crissy. I was thinking about it a lot as I was going to sleep last night and came to the realization that I am not trying to get caught, I just do not want to have to take them off because I am enjoying them so much. That is why I have been pushing the limit to wear them as much as possible. One thing I have never mentioned is that I have fairly large breasts naturally, and I got where I like how they look when suntanning. So around 2018 I went to a female plastic surgeon to talk about breast augmentation. The cost was going to be $6000 and I actually went as far as setting a date but chickened out realizing that showing up at home with implants would cause an instant divorce. That was the last time the pink fog sent me out in left field. Fortunately I came around. For the most part I am a pretty normal person, but this stuff just makes me crazy sometimes.

    Sandi
    To me, this sounds like it may be a bit more than "pink fog". Have you given any thought to seriously pursing counseling to sort things out?
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

    https://groups.io/g/gno-houston

  25. #25
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Sandi, You should really get a hold of yourself with regard to this. It sounds like you want to have a confrontation with your wife where you perceive her as the bad guy.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

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