Out of control lately

[Sandi Beech]

Jamie , yes I do need to get a hold of myself, but I am not making my wife out to be bad. She just happens to be the type who can not handle it at all.

Sandi

[JenniferMBlack]

Sorry also not the one to talk sense. I started wearing my all the time too even to work. But then I figure what do I have to lose. A job I can replace tomarrow?

[CandaceNichole]

Sandi, dear, please be careful. The wife sounds like she's got a violent streak. Weigh the consequences and stop thinking with your bra!

[Krisi]

I was going to ask if your wife knows and accepts your dressing, but this was answered so here goes:

You will get caught. Unless you have a way to get out of the house and out of the neighborhood, someone will see you and mention it to your wife. And unless your wife is out of town, there's a good chance she will see you herself.

You talk about wearing breast forms in public. Are you otherwise presenting as a woman? Wig, hip and butt pads, women's clothes and shoes? Purse? A guy walking around town with boobs will draw a lot of attention.

My wife knows about my dressing and I am often dressed around here, yet she would be appalled if I walked out the door dressed. To go "out", I underdress and then finish dressing in the car somewhere out of sight. I change back before coming home. And I' as "female" as I can get when I'm out. Never a guy with boobs.

[Ressie]

I'm thinking you're not just getting an adrenaline rush and that sex hormones are also involved. Also, I'd like to know more about how you're attaching the forms as I just insert mine in bra cups. On second thought, I think I would also get addicted to having them attached. How big are your forms?

[Veronica4me]

Trust me. Getting caught can ruin a marriage. The buzz of adrenaline lasts a short while, but divorce is permanent. Don't make the same mistake I did.

[GretchenM]

Hmm. So the therapist approach didn't work. I am sorry to say this, but I think your wife is perhaps a bit dominating and controlling, or at least tries to be that way. There is a difference between accepting, tolerating, compromising, and outright hostility. Her concept of gender is very traditional. My wife is a lot like yours and the coming out was 7 years ago. It was touch and go for a long time, but now we have reached a compromise position that is far from free but is workable. Keep in mind that a therapist cannot tell you what to do; they can only help you discover what to do and understand the process you must go through to reach some kind of resolution. They guide, but you are the one who solves the problem.

That means, as others have emphasized, that it is all the more important that the reveal to her is needed in some form or other. She did let you wear the pantyhose, at least for awhile until something set her off. Think about what set her off so she would cut up your pantyhose and make you clean it up. I see deep anger produced by possibly a deep hurt that anything along the lines of showing a weird dressing pattern sets her off. Not trying to put the blame on her, but it is a problem that perhaps has roots in some fault in the dynamics you two have. She has expectations for you and she seems to be determined to make you meet those expectations. Perhaps you can work out something where only you go to a therapist - one with marital difficulty experience. Perhaps they can find out where the conflict is and help you find a solution. Her behavior seems to me to be irrational, but it could be any number of other unrelated things that trigger her response. To her it is rational because she connects the issues; but it looks irrational to you perhaps because you don't understand or know about the back story that is driving her and making what seems irrational perfectly sensible.

Storing away your clothes and what not and abstaining will work for awhile, but in the end your needs and desires will return and perhaps in a furious fashion. Deprivation will tone things down, but misery will be common along the way until you can't stand it anymore UNLESS the need to dress is not attached to a definable gender identity that is inherent. That happens, but it is not common. In most theories, the trigger to do opposite gender expression comes from a brain that is configured in that way. Not a female brain, but the existence of some factor that has created the brain to function in that way.

In gender mosaic theory we are all a blend of male, female, and intermediate neurological structures and corresponding behaviors. But each person is a unique blend and if cross gender behaviors are inherent or ingrained by repetition then a need will exist. The need can be managed but it cannot be eliminated. Abstinence will reduce the immediate "addiction" but it will do nothing for the long term and more deeply seated need. Coming out helps that, but it has to be gentle and considerate of those that the act of coming out affects. A rock and a hard place. Coming out in some way is needed. A personal therapist might be able to help you find a path to do that without an explosion that does too much damage. The fuse is lit and it is a matter of time before it reaches the box of dynamite, which is what so many of us have essentially said. How to put out the fuse is the problem.

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks for replying everyone and especially Gretchen for the long post. Incidentally, I did not mean to imply I had permission for the pantyhose if I did. To be clear, I have no permission for anything at all which is feminine in nature. It is zero tolerance. I have been caught with hose and underwear - that is mostly it. I have never been caught with the full blown stash I have in the attic or being fully dressed. That would land me in major hot water.

I put my things back in the attic for now, and I will probably buy myself something for one of my other "hobbies" which will distract me for a while. I have done that before and it does help me to focus on something else for a bit. I have been thinking about all the reasons I dress, and for me it is really complicated and has components of almost all the reasons I have read from others ;however, a major component for me is the escape aspect. I won't go into all those reasons I like to escape but there is no way to do anything about those issues which make be worry the most. Although the escape aspect definately is a huge factor for me, during the last 3 years of going out dressed I found new reasons - something which I never expected. One huge factor is the acceptance. It just blows my mind that so many women have come to me to dance, drink, or otherwise just hang out and have stimulating conversations. 40 years ago when I was single and wanted to meet people, I hated going to bars. My success rate was low for a number of reasons, lack of confidence and more or less boyist looks for someone in their twenties. I think I have some residual mental baggage regarding that.

Things are different today, and the attention I have gotten from women is intoxicating. just like Sherry (Doc) mentioned in another post a while back. Of course I do not try to do anything other than hang out and have fun with them. Ongoing relationships of any kind would not be possible, but it has had a huge affect on me. It definately plays a factor into why I do what I do. Maybe someone else can relate. Sometimes I feel like I am different.

For Ressie. I have Breastformstore Platinum Seal size 8 so for my 38 in frame they are about a DD or slightly larger. I also have 2 other forms but I like these the best. They are kind of heavy and some of my bras will let them slide down a bit unless I use a little adhesive. I do not like the doublesided tapes they came with. They are way to hard to remove, and when you do remove them as recommended with baby oil, you can not get the new ones to stick again easily. So I typically use a little hollisters or skin tac in addition to a bra. I have just been experimenting with using tape and ace wrap over the shoulder to see what I could do. It is pretty amazing and comfortable, but will only work with clothes that do not have wide open necks or open backs where you could see the straps.

Sandi

[Ressie]

Sandi, some of my friends also dress in public for the attention it seems. They also tell stories of women dancing with them etc. I don't go out dressed very much at all myself while others I know go out every weekend. But I also enjoy getting good comments regarding my fem persona.

Anyway, you have a lot to deal with and I hope your wife doesn't start nosing around in the attic.