Busted this morning : (

[Sandi Beech]

Good grief i can do the.dumbest of things sometimes when it comes to dressing. I have not been busted with any female clothing since around New Year?s Eve 2017. Anyhow being cooped up, I just had to keep pushing things to the edge and got busted this morning wearing pantyhose and very short white women?s shorts. Also had on breast forms and clinging grey shirt. She normally does not wake up until after 9 but I forgot she was going shopping early. There will be hell to pay for sure. She probably will not say a word to me for at least a week. Maybe longer this time. I don?t know. Maybe I wanted to get caught in a subliminal way to shut it down for a while. It is so frustrating for me as it feels like an addiction and it controls me more so than the other way around. Then after getting caught I go into a depressed state for a while. Sometimes purging things.

I am not looking for any sympathy really, as this was my own stupidity. Try not to follow in my footsteps if you have a zero tolerance wife like I have.

I feel like crying though for what I have done today.

: (

Sandi

[Krisi]

I'm assuming "she" is your wife?

If you're living with someone in the same house and prancing around in women's clothes while that person is in the same house, there's little chance that you won't get caught at some point. Probably sooner, not later.

Your wife knows that you like to wear women's clothes so it's time to sit down with her and talk about it. Come up with some sort of agreement and then stick to it.

[Tracii G]

So you aren't allowed to be happy and content or have a hobby?
I'll bet your wife does whatever she wants to do so why can't you?

[MiniRock]

I tried that Tracii. And I haven't seen my children since 2008 as a result.

[Vicky_Scot]

Sorry to hear that Mini X

[mbmeen12]

My wife is completely locked in on zero tolerance, so I may as well accept it. I just hope I can dig myself out of this hole.

Let me just get to the to what I see should happen. Just be yourself and dress dress dress and let the chips fall where they may.

[Jacke]

Sandi - so sorry to hear about this. Strange how something can seem so reasonable to one partner yet be so unreasonable to another. Perhaps some day she will be a bit more compassionate and allow you to express yourself. I remember what keeping it in can do to you. I do not think you wanted to get caught, but as you said, you were pushing things. This lockdown has us all living on the edge. You are not alone.

[Meg West]

First: Don't purge!

[Sandi Beech]

Ouch it is going to be bad this time. She just got home from the grocery store and the only thing she said is ?get out of my way?. She looks really mad. After 35 years of marriage I understand her quite well. There is no discussion regarding dressing. I could try to force the situation and just do it anyhow, but I know it would land me in a divorce. I really do not want that either. So I just try to find some sort of balance and I just fell off and hit my head so to speak.

I know some people have a hard time understanding why some of us tolerate getting beat up over it, but I connect well with her on other levels, and we have our kids who are grown now. Plus I do like her companionship - at least when she is not mad. It would be nice to have a tolerant spouse like some people have. I can only imagine.

Sandi

[Vicky_Scot]

Sorry Sandi but if I was in your position I would have been gone long ago.

You are only here once and to have lived 35 years living in a relationship where you are
not allowed to do something you enjoy and basically being treated the way she treat you
is not a relationship, its a dictatorship. X

[Jackiefl]

Sounds like your wife gets to wear the pants, you should be able to wear the �� dresses.

[Meeshell]

Sandi,
I'm so sad for you. I know very well how you feel. Oddly enough, my wife was somewhat accepting until I had "the talk" with her. Now things are much worse. I think she is a little more passive aggressive about it than your wife maybe, but the pain is so real, and the depression and urge to purge are so familiar. I, too, have a wonderful relationship, otherwise, with my wife and family that would be devastating to lose, so I live on hope that someday I can find balance between the desires and repercussions. I think we've made some progress, but sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back.

I so wish I had someone to give me a hug at times like your going through. I wish I could be there to give a hug and maybe help you feel like your not so alone.

Big Hugs
Meeshell

[Stephanie47]

I looked at your pictorial posting of your recent trips. You looked nice. Did your wife know of your exploits? Or was it well hidden? If you have been married for 35 years you probably know the tolerance level of your wife for your cross dressing. She may have seen your presentation as an affront to her non-acceptance. A sort of push it in her face attitude. I truly understand "why some of us tolerate being beat up over it." I will not disagree there may have been some element of wanting to get caught to start a conversation or at least clear the air. For those not in a hostile situation you may not understand sometimes a "conversation" may be welcomed in order to break the isolation. My wife and I have an understanding. She has no interest in my cross dressing. Her reaction way back in 1983 was she was not interested, but, if I wanted to join a support group, it was alright with her. Except for the fact she recently had a total knee replacement, because she does not drive, she takes public transportation. If she is out for the day she is in the habit of calling to let me know she is on the way home and is taking a particular bus. I think she does that to let me know, if I am engage in cross dressing activity, that I'll know when her key will hit the front door. She may think I use those opportunities to be en femme to some extent, but, with rare exception I am just doing other things. Most of the time I end up driving to the bus stop to pick her up. I read many times on this forum instances of almost needling a non-accepting wife by doing body modifications; shaving body hair, painting toenails, etc. I think that may be perceived by a wife to be a subtle way to violate DADT. If I were to ask your wife what goes through her mind in these situations I may get the response that she is walking around on egg shells. Can she freely move around the house without the prospect of encountering you somewhat en femme? In some respects a non-accepting spouse also becomes a prisoner of the husband's secret.

Personally, I do not think I could endure the hostility. Being given the cold shoulder is hostility. When I was growing up, whenever my brother and I ran afoul of our mother, she went into the silent treatment for days on end. One reason I ended up hating her.

[GretchenM]

I am so sorry to hear about how it all went sideways so quickly. But as others essentially said, if you do that in front of an intolerant person it is hard to expect another kind of reaction than your wife showed. But I sense more to this than appears on the surface. I sense an issue of broken trust and a lack of empathy for her situation as seen from her point of view.

Often getting caught produces what appear to be irrational reactions that are completely rational when viewed from the point of view of trust and honesty, especially honesty. It is often viewed as being dishonest as to who you really are and hiding a second life of a sort. That often does more damage than the act and getting caught itself.

She has health issues. I don't know how severe or how dependent she is on you, but when you break that connection by acting independently, especially when one adds in the trust and honesty question, she may feel abandoned and having to deal with her health issues all alone which greatly frightens her. So she strikes back.

Are those series of interactions that go negative proper? Not really. You are configured, I suspect, with a lot of strong associations with feminine traits and characteristics that make you feel and identify the way you do. Plus there might be a touch of addiction to the endorphins dressing produces and makes you feel good and supportive of your traits and characteristics. It is a validation. You really can't do a lot about that configuration other than shift it a bit this way or that. Completely overhauling is probably not possible in any reasonable amount of time, if at all.

She is probably embracing the very traditional sex=gender kind of thinking that probably never really existed. So she doesn't understand that gender is one thing and sex is quite another even though there are some tenuous linkages between them.

So, perhaps your situation is a matter of two people with very different views of gender, sex, and gender expression. You have needs; she has needs. But the needs are at odds with each other at a very fundamental level. Compromises are in order, but for now I suggest you just leave it all be and let the anger and adrenaline levels settle down a bit. After there is some stability perhaps talking about compromises would be in order. Those are best made with a third party present to keep things under control and help keep the communication lines open.

It is not hopeless and the damage can be repaired to some extent, but so long as differences exist in the fundamental concepts of gender and no compromise can be reached things are going to be touch and go for a long time because of the broken trust and her view that you are dishonest. The problem in situations like this is the perception defines the reality rather than the facts. That is a tough nut to crack.

[MonicaPVD]

It's apparent that you have let the pink fog get the best of you. It's also apparent that you need to assert yourself for once. At this point, you have very little to lose, as you brought the situation upon yourself, and a lot to gain. Don't wait for her to torture you with silence and dirty looks. Approach her and say, "I understand that you are uncomfortable with my dressing but this is an important part of who I am as a person, the person you married decades ago and the person who has worked hard to be a good husband and provider. I am not going to change at this point in my life. This is who I am. I am not doing anything to publicly embarrass you or risk your reputation. I am simply expressing a part of me, a non-negotiable part."

My sense is that your increased risk taking was a passive way of expediting a confrontation. Well, babe, here you are. Now untuck those ⚽⚽ and assert yourself as the adult that you are. She will probably be shocked into compliance.

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks all. It seems many of you have a really good understanding of my situation.

For Stephanie. To answer your question. No she has never caught me in full attire with wig and makeup. It takes me 1 to 2 hours to fully dress up so I only do that when I am out of town for work. If she knew about how far I have gone with it, it would be a much worse situation. So I better keep my mouth shut. Sadly, now she is aware that I have gone back to dressing and may be suspicious about what I do when traveling. Not cool.

Sandi

[Joni T]

Sandi,
I'm glad you're not looking for sympathy--it saves me from having to tell you where it's found in the dictionary.
Jon

[BTWimRobin]

Hi Sandi,

I am sorry you have to go through this. I don't understand why people see CDing as a bad thing. There are far worse things you could be doing. My wife says she is accepting and supportive; there are times I have my doubts. I wish you all the best. Hugs!

[Amy Lynn3]

This is a support and advise site for the most part and my comments are from that platform. Sandi, you seem to fear a divorce, because of what would happen in a divorce. May I suggest a consultation with a lawyer. Finding out what your rights are will allow you to make a informed decision if a divorce ever comes into the picture. Knowledge takes stress away and erases fears, like you got from being on jury duty. After you learn about dealing with fear of divorce, I think it would easy your mind and set you free in your own home. That fear hanging over you is like an anvil, you feel is ready to fall and that only adds more stress to your situation. You feel trapped in your marriage, due to the feelings of wanting to help an ailing wife and the commitment you made. Talking to a lawyer will allow you to know what the worst that could happen to you in a divorce.

[Dutchess]

What Gretchen said yes but also you do NOT have to apologize for loving or explaining why or wanting to stay with your wife . Good grief , its not like anyone here is going to care when you are alone . No one here knows what your life is like in real life off the forum with her . There are alot of bitter lonely people , that actually don't like women , that would not have an issue with you being bitter or lonely either . You have been a long way with her to toss it over a serious episode of pink fog . There is more to life than dressing .

Let things settle . She may be silent so she doesnt say anything worse or maybe she just does not know WHAT to say at this point .

And against some others wishes here , issueing an ultimatum is NOT going to work , you will look back on that with regret .

[Sallee]

Sounds like the talk is certainly needed and a third party of YOUR choosing, a couples counseling therapist, preferably with experience in gender counseling. But you guys have to talk and it sounds like she won't. The third party is needed and that party is not your peacher, who might just say pray it away. If that doesn't happen you can live in misery with or without a divorce .
Its your choice

[JennyMay]

I just wonder if you need to bring some professional help into this situation. Your marriage is important and you need to protect it. As anyone on this site will tell you (and you know yourself) your need to cross-dress will not go away. Are you able to talk to a trained counsellor together to help you find a way forward? I'm not sure what part of the world you are in, but be certain that the person you talk to together is a professionally trained and accredited and is themselves supervised.

You are not stupid, you are trying to survive and you will. Life can be better.

[Sandi Beech]

Hi JennyMay

I had tried the counseling route the last time I was busted back in 2017. The counselor was nice. I liked her. She gave my wife a homework assignment to research crossdressing on the Internet before our next session. I wanted to laugh at the time but did not. She looked it up alright and said - everyone with this problem gets divorced so I am done and not going back. That ended therapy but not dressing. I went underground and in a big way. She would have been better off with my limited dressing. So therapy may work well for some, but it blew up in my face. My wife is completely locked in on zero tolerance, so I may as well accept it. I just hope I can dig myself out of this hole.

Sandi

[Crissy 107]

Sandi, I hate to say this but you were bound to get caught again eventually. Maybe let the dust settle and try to get her to talk. You are not going to stop so you need to reach some sort of agreement other then a divorce

[GaleWarning]

Lockdown is a stressful situation.
Perhaps you can explain to your wife that you were wearing 'women's clothes' because you needed to relax and calm down.
Talk to her.
Set boundaries.

Good luck.