Came out to wife. Now overthinking?

[thejuliettecd]

Hi everyone reading this,

I?ve been dressing in secret since I was a teen, and have been married to a wonderful lady for over 10 years now.

I kept my dressing hidden from her, but decided to take the plunge and tell her. Surprisingly (so I thought) she was fine with this news, and was ok about the fact I?d be wearing some feminine items from time to time.

We haven?t talked about it since, and I?m not sure if this is still a sign that it?s ok (she said not to make it a huge deal), or if it?s more out of sight, out of mind kinda thing.

The other issue I have is after ordering my first bunch of clothing. While I understand how much guilt comes with dressing, I figured this would disappear after coming out. Not so. I now feel guiltier than ever, and it?s bumming me out.

Has anyone else had/have had these same feelings in a situation like this?

Juliette
x

[DianeT]

Hi Juliette, it takes a lot of courage to come out after a long time hiding. I was there a few months ago. It took me several attempts before succeeding. I am not in the same situation as you. I came out after 36 years, not 10, and the news really teared my wife apart, although she does her best to recover, learn and accept. My guilt stems from hiding my practice for so long, not trusting my wife with it (while I would otherwise trust her with my life), and realizing (after reading pages and pages in these forums) that I had taken important choices away from her.
It would be interesting for you try to identify where this guilt comes from? Is it the same guilt you had before coming out? Other secrets not yet disclosed?
Be sure to talk as much as you can with your wife. It is very important that she expresses her feelings about it (and feels entitled to do so). I find it very hard to properly assess the level of anxiety of my wife in the matter.
Good luck and keep us posted.

EDIT

My wife suggested: as your wife is taking the news well, maybe guilt from not having told it earlier?

[Pumped]

Funny, I never felt any guilt, but did feel some pressure from my wife when she found out, but never guilt. The few dollars I spend on clothing won't make a dent in our income so that never bothered me. I just felt bad that my wife was upset about it all and pressure to resolve it, which we have.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Look up "False Guilt", you'll find that very interesting.

The important thing is to talk from time to time. Long stretches of silence may give you a sense of false guilt. Just be sensitive to her feelings too.

[Jennifer Slater]

Hi Juliette,
i understand how you feel. I truly do. Please don't make cross dressing the central theme of your marriage. Don't make it a big deal and she probably won't either. It's easy to try and follow her lead thinking how does she really feel about it all. You will drive yourself nuts especially waiting for the other foot to drop, but just be prepared to sit and listen. Most folks are interested in your soul anyway and that is a plus!

[Micki_Finn]

Chances are that SHE doesn’t know what to make if it either. This is all new to her and she’s probably still sorting out her feelings. I’d recommend you don’t push her for answers too soon and keep your dressing... discreet.

[jacques]

hello Juliette,
I came out to my wife about 40 years ago and she had always been accepting (but not always encouraging). I still feel nervous and guilty from time to time (especially if I have not dressed for a while). Perhaps it is because we kept it a secret for so many years.
my advice - take little steps.
luv J

[Natalie5004]

I think Micki has good advice.

[Pumped]

I agree with Micki, except to try keep communication going, don't let it just fade away. If your wife asks "Why?" Tell her what most of us say, that is what we would like to know!

When I was found out by my wife we had days of discussion. It was a tense, but also a wonderful time. We did a ton of research together, lots of tears, lots of laughter. Communication will save it. I have a fully open and accepting wife, but I also give her some balance. As much as I would like to dress every day, I give her a few "guy" days too.

[DTelia]

Hi everyone reading this,

I?ve been dressing in secret since I was a teen, and have been married to a wonderful lady for over 10 years now.

I kept my dressing hidden from her, but decided to take the plunge and tell her. Surprisingly (so I thought) she was fine with this news, and was ok about the fact I?d be wearing some feminine items from time to time.

We haven?t talked about it since, and I?m not sure if this is still a sign that it?s ok (she said not to make it a huge deal), or if it?s more out of sight, out of mind kinda thing.

Juliette
x

GO SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! SLOOOOOOOOOOOW DOWN!

Seriously keep telling yourself that. Step one is done. You told her. Now don’t blow it. I’m generalizing here...Guys get all excited and want to share their world. They’ve waited so long, and now that it’s out they want to go for it. But this is brand spankin new for your wife, and if she’s anything like most women I know...all of their emotions don’t come at once and there are different stages.

If I were you, and you want to make this work...I would seriously not even bring it up again, until she does. And then I wouldn’t say much...only answering her questions. Don’t just give her books, or online material or whatever. Let her figure this out, but just let her know that nothing has changed...you’ve been this way for years and that you love her. This time frame could take awhile...as in months or even years. But, you went 10...so you can do this. Remember your marriage (and your family - assuming you have one) is most important.

This could be come a part of her to that she enjoys, like you.

Good luck!

[Devi SM]

Juliette,
Congratulations for get out of the closet at least with your wife.
I was in your shoes around 4 years ago and in my confession I had another element that worse the situation, I was bisexual.

First thing, DO NOT DO PROMISES TO YOUR WIFE.

Things will change for you and you will find everyday that to dress is just not enough.
Next thing I recommend you is to see a therapist, one that could have experience with crossdressers or trans people.
Hopefully your wife could go to therapy too, to herself and both as a couple.
Today, I'm a happy, fully happy transexual, still married same wife for the last 41 years.

Here you can find a lot of wisdom but your experience is unique, could be similar to others but not the same.

Devi

[Gardener]

Juliette I remember telling my wife. Initially I absolutely and totally regretted it. The anger and disdain it created towards me at the time was unpleasant. Time mellows, sometimes. Time also allows you not to have to grapple with the mechanics of keeping a secret. This has been a huge relief for me. I don?t have to dress all the time, or even very much, but I have acknowledged myself. I am more complete and honest as a person. I have the potential to make choices with greater ease.

[Bruce64]

Hi Juliette, My Story is very similar to yours, I have been wearing women under clothing since I was a late teen then as a young Adult maybe around 25 I starting buying my own is Stores and wearing and hiding and throwing out, I would sometimes go through long times without wearing my prized possession then it would explode again, I was very ashamed if I ever get caught is such acts, many years ago my Wife was away with Relatives for a few weeks and this strong urge came back again like a beast in me and I started wearing he clothes and when she came home I had to tell her this part of me that is not a Girl or want to be a Girl, a person who is a Male that wear Female clothing and she understands it immediately, she is an amazing woman from Wisconsin, and I am a Descendant of Indian born and raised in Guyana and we live in Toronto and I have been reading the History of Indians in the Southern parts of India that we have been dressing like this for Thousands of years. Today I can buy and wear anything at anytime I am scared or ashamed and my Wife is very supportive, and I think this is who I am, your pain will past and you will be free and comfortable tow wear whatever you want where ever you want. I have put on a short film from India from your tube take a look. I do planned to go to India in a couple of years and I will take my Wife too, our Families left that Land over a Hundred and Fifty years ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgw7M-JABMg

[Cacique82]

Juliette
I told my wife after eight years of marriage, we?re on year 11 now. I couldn?t believe her laxed attitude to all of it. The first time we were intimate after I told her I wore garter stocking and some lace panties. She enjoyed it and commented how good my legs looked in them. I couldn?t believe it, it was everything I had hope for. Things went on like this for a while until recently I told her I wanted to start wearing nightgowns and chemises. Of course I?d had these for a while. Again she said she didn?t care. Even if it?s a pink lacy nightgown? I said.
At this point she told me I can wear what I want and we already talked about this. I have yet to debut my nightgowns but have worn a chemise a time or two already and she didn?t say a thing other than they were nice.
I think I have it figured out now that if I keep asking her if it?s ok to wear a certain piece of women?s clothing I?ll get the same response. She said ?it?s fine, if you want to wear some women?s clothes that?s ok?
So my point is don?t keep bringing it up- that may annoy her more than actually wearing it. She may fine with it based on the chill response you seem to have received from her.

[Dressing up]

Juliette,

You are getting much good advice on this thread. Best summed up by Micky and Dtelia, go slowly and keep it discreet until your SO can digest. You have had this on your mind since childhood, she has had a day to process.

So, I agree that you might want to wait until she brings the subject back up. You should anticipate the questions that might come up so you are ready to answer then. I would advise you to be concise and honest. I mean, you might want to use this period to really think about where you think this goes in 5 years, 10 years, or longer term. Think about it, she might already perceive this as a violation of trust. You have been deceitful in your behavior. I failed to be honest with myself and my second wife when I revealed my CD to her. She asked all the typical questions, do you want men? Do you want to be a woman? ecetera. I failed to realize my desire to go out would only get stronger, I think it is how we validate the person we are. I tried to minimize the whole issue, trying to emphasize that it was a temporary need I could satisfy by occasional dressing at home. I see now, that she could see my increasing desire to feminize as a violation of trust.

Really think about what you want for your future and hers, then express it clearly. Do you see you two going out together, do you want the kids to know and what age, do you want to wear makeup, what boundaries do you see, ecetera? Also, wait until she is ready to bring up the subject. I hope you have found a gem of a wife that will allow both of you to be the people you need to be, with trust and communication.

Best wishes

[Teresa]

Juliette,
A little like walking on eggshells , who is going to be the first to bring up the question again and who is avoiding it ? My coming out was at your age was difficult , I have to admit I cried like I never had before or since , it really was like a floodgate opening , a huge weight lifted off my shoulders . I'd actually told someone , I'd admitted for the first time what I was . She was OK for about a couple of weeks but then the DADT wall went up and I felt worse than ever , the only person that knew had rejected me . It's along story which I've told before but looking back that was the moment when we possibly should have called it a day with our marriage , the damage was done , all that had gone before appeared lost .

As for ordering clothing items , maybe take care , I promised my wife it wouldn't cost a fortune , she was always careful what she spent on herself so it would have been very selfish of me to spend money on something she would never approve of and certainly didn't want to see me in them .

Twenty years on and I'm in a great place now and very happy .

[Tracii G]

Its very common for women at first to seem like its no big deal but give them time to sort it all out only to turn around and use it against you or be very upset with you.
Many CDers take their wives no big deal attitude as a green light to buy all kinds of clothes and make up and dive in feet first. That has proven to be the last thing you want to do.
When you think you know how your wife feels about all of this rest assured you will be very wrong.

Reverse roles here for a minute how would you feel if your wife wanted to dress like a man and go out on the town?
Wear mens clothes possibly false facial hair how would you react?

[giuseppina]

I agree with the suggestions to slow down until you know how your wife is coping with your revelation.

If your DSW doesn't broach the subject for two or three months, it may be time for a question about it.