How to find your spot on the spectrum

[carisa]

Hello Girls and Friends,

I am struggling with where if fit in on this crazy spectrum of ours and wanted to see if this wonderful forum holds some wisdom. (Which I am actually sure it does ).

So I have considered myself a cross dresser for many years, SO knows but have lately been entertaining thoughts of where all this will lead me. With the current situation and all that grief and loss, I have come to the conclusion that I owe it to myself and my loved ones to fully discover who I am and follow that path. So I am on that journey and excited about it!! I am just curious girls, did anyone have an experience where they did not 100% transition and knew that they have arrived at their spot on the great spectrum between male to female?

Thanks for reading, replying and all the support this sites gives to us all!

Carisa

[docrobbysherry]

Carisa, I'll think you'll find MOST of the members here r crossdressers who do NOT dress as women every day. Altho a number of the most verbal ones do? Most don't!

And, even those haven't had transition surgeries. The fact is, most TS's that live as women r too busy living their lives to bother with us "wannabees"!

U mention "following paths" wondering where they will lead? But, since dressing leads us to a myriad of roads u need to define which ones interest u? Drag? Female costuming/anime? T meet ups? Hanging out in T friendly clubs/bars dressed? Shopping at the mall and eating lunch at Dennys? Or, just expending/improving your fem look in your closet?

[Tracii G]

Trying to figure out where you are on this "spectrum"may be something you will never figure out.
Trying to figure it all out only causes more questions than answers.
We are all different and have different reasons for doing things that we do so there is no 100% solid answer that fits across the board or spectrum.
If you live as a male and dress in clothes of the opposite gender then you are a crossdresser.
It doesn't have to lead to anything and to be honest many people enjoy life being a crossdresser.
Just because you dress does not mean you are gay or that you will eventually transition.
I think you may be having a pink fog moment or a fantasy about living as a woman and what it would be like.
That is all well and good but best to remember its a fantasy and maybe best left as a fantasy.
Your SO's thoughts on all of this are very important how does she feel about you wanting to live as a woman?
She married a man right? You would be shattering her world possibly by transitioning.
Its not all about you and what you want because you are a couple and in a relationship.
Lots to think of and consider and possibly a lot more than you realize.

[michellecd9999]

Also, for most the ?goal line? keeps moving. First it starts just wanting to slip on a pair of panties or hose and take things into your own hands! Then you want heels and bra, then a dress, the a wig, then makeup... I just want to dress for an hour, then two hours, then for a day, then overnight, then for a weekend... I?ll just dress at home, then I?ll just drive around in my car, then oh I?ll take a walk in the park or empty parking lot, then I?ll walk quickly through the mall... to i want to be dressed for days, go out shopping and out to dinner and dancing and ......

[CourtneyJamieson]

Also, for most the ?goal line? keeps moving. First it starts just wanting to slip on a pair of panties or hose and take things into your own hands! Then you want heels and bra, then a dress, the a wig, then makeup... I just want to dress for an hour, then two hours, then for a day, then overnight, then for a weekend... I?ll just dress at home, then I?ll just drive around in my car, then oh I?ll take a walk in the park or empty parking lot, then I?ll walk quickly through the mall... to i want to be dressed for days, go out shopping and out to dinner and dancing and ......

Wow....this explains my journey "EXACTLY"....It was about a 10-year trip but, yes, I am now at the end of this "spectrum"

[Teresa]

Carisa,
How do you find your spot on the spectrum is a very good question . You can only start to answer it when you've really found yourself , at some point you have to disregard if your wife/partner knows or not because what they think and say doesn't always help you find the answers , in fact it can make it hard and sometimes impossible . What label you consider youself may just box you in , I would suggest if you can't find the answers yourself maybe consider counselling . I feel I made the right decisions after getting guidance from counsellors , I admit they can't make the decisions for you but at least they help you see the choices and possibly help with making the painful ones .

I dress full time which has given me the balance I was looking for , I don't see hormones or SRS would change my day to day life very much at all in fact going down that road could undo what I now have .

The biggest hurdle I found was believing in myself , the biggest mindchange is deciding I can do this as an average woman and not as a guy , losing the guy opens your mind , I now feel totally normal as Teresa .

[GaleWarning]

I joined this group at a time when most of us didn't have a clue about all this and were simply happy to discover that there were, indeed, lots of people who were of the same persuasion re the wearing of women's clothing.

Down the years I have read many posts from a wide range of members. Some resonated with me; yes, that sounds like me! Others made little or no sense to me; no, I don't fall into that category! Slowly, I was able to find my niche somewhere along a very broad spectrum.

Along with many others who have been fortunate to find this website and grace it with their musings and experiences, I have meandered down this path on this journey. it has been a very long path from ignorance and self-loathing to knowledge and self-acceptance.

I am a crossdresser plain and simple. Heterosexual male with no desire to transition. I lost my wife due to ignorance. My latest SO was told upfront and, though very anti- to begin with, accepted the challenge and reached a level of comfort which allowed both of us to accommodate the needs and wants of the other. We could not have managed this without the wisdom and support of others on this forum.

Take your time, carisa. Think a lot. Think about everything you've got. There's plenty of time during lockdown and beyond. Read a lot and decide which member's posts accord with your feelings, your aspirations. Learn from these. Engage with your SO, as she already knows you like to crossdress. Take baby steps, let her lead and set boundaries. If, at some point, she expresses extreme aversion to your crossdressing, you may have to decide whether your relationship can continue.

There's a lot to be gained, and a lot to lose. I sincerely hope that you and she will be able to stay the course and stay together. It's going to be a rough ride. Best of luck.
Gale

[Dutchess]

Although Tracii and I do not always see things the same , I have to agree 100% with her post .
Like every word and as a loved one I would like to know why or how you figure we are owed this ?
It could turn out very badly FOR your loved ones .
You are you
Whatever you do , please wait until this is over to do anything more . Everyone is under so much stress right now that it would be unfair to burden your family with this revelation .

[jacques]

hello Carisa,
my advice - take it slowly and you will find your happy place; rush and you could go too far!
luv J

[carisa]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies!

I am for sure taking it slow and keep my loved ones in the loop. It is sometimes easy to not think about my loved ones when the pink fogs comes around strong. Thank you very much for that reminder!

I guess we are all fluid all the time when I think about it, if you crossdress or not.

Also thanks for the point to wait with anything until this mess we are all in is cleared up.

[kimdl93]

Rather than trying to look down the road too much, with all the different twists, turns and diverging paths, why not ask yourself what you want from this now, and how that fits into your present life?

[MarinaTwelve200]

Not ALL of us Crossdress because we identify as women. that is just ONE of many reasons for Crossdressing that can ALSO be stuff like "Humiliation S/M" "tripping taboos", "Escapisim", and MORE.----So a general "spectrum" May be meaningless. Sound and Light waves, for example, have Different spectrums and are entirely different in nature---But they both are waves. There are many diverse REASONS for Crossdressing, but they all only share Dressing up.

[cdkateinboston]

I spent a long time thinking about this and trying to discover myself. It turns out because of my significant other I found where I am on the "spectrum" and I love that I occupy this space, and that she supports me in that space. I am a cit-het male, but I love feminine things. I love my nails painted and wearing cute "womens clothes" like skirts and heels, and she completely supports that side of me when I'm feeling like it. But I found its like wearing my favorite t-shirt to bed, I like to wear it, it makes me feel comfortable, but I don't need to wear it every day. But she supports me on the days that I want to dress and we have discovered a new connectedness over discussing things like nails, makeup and clothing. I have found that some days, for no apparent reasons, I want to feel cute and wearing womens clothing and being feminine help me with that and the fact that I have an encouraging SO has been awesome

[Pumped]

I am just curious girls, did anyone have an experience where they did not 100% transition and knew that they have arrived at their spot on the great spectrum between male to female?
Carisa

I'm there. I love to dress, I love lingerie, kinky clothing, all kinds of frilly clothing, high heels, but I will never go past the point I am at now. I will always be a guy that likes to dress. I like to have my play time and dress up. I wear woman's boots regularly in public, boots that are higher block heels, but not noticeably female. As far as going farther, it won't happen, it just doesn't fit with my lifestyle and job and I am fine with it. I don't see trying to pass, no interest in going public, too much hassle. I have considered buying a wig, shaving and having my wife do what she can for make up, but it is not high on my list.

[Confucius]

So how does one find their spot on the Spectrum? Of course everyone's experience is different and I can only speak for myself.

When I was a youth I went through a period of gender dysphoria. I was also terribly introverted, and had an inferiority complex. Being a boy made me feel unlovable and handicapped. My place on the spectrum would have been a transgender in need of sexual reassignment surgery.
As a teenager I was strongly sexually aroused by the feminine, and especially by females themselves. My crossdressing interests were to become female - but only for a while. At times I preferred to be male. However crossdressing also meant being female.
In my 20's crossdressing meant passing as a female. There was no point in going half-way. I didn't think of myself as being female. I was male, but crossdressing meant looking like a female.
In my 30's and 40's I could no longer pass as a female. However the desire to crossdress didn't end. The fact that I didn't pass wasn't important. The sensations were still there, so I would do the best I could and settle for that. I also got married to a wonderful woman. She tolerated my crossdressing the best she could, but was never really comfortable with it. At this time I also determined that my wife's happiness was very important to me.
In my 50's and 60's I realized that there was no magic with the feminine clothes. It was my brain that made me a crossdresser. When I wear feminine clothes my brain releases a host of feel-good neurotransmitters that produce the sensations I believe I need. Now in my late 60's I find that a pretty dress, a slip, long youthful hair, and other feminine things are mere tools to help release the feel-good neurotransmitters. I don't care so much about how feminine I look. What matters is that crossdressing makes me happy.

I found that my place in the spectrum isn't fixed. Crossdressing is a complicated part of me. For that reason I can only tell you not to rush into anything. If you are thinking of making a MtF transition please seek consult with a good therapist first.

[Paulie Birmingham]

I agree with pumped. I am where I want to be. I don't see myself going much farther.

[Tracii G]

We here have all seen people come here really confused and some jump too far too fast and end up ruining their marriage and sometimes their lives and the lives of their wife and kids.
Some even end up in legal trouble only to really sit down and think about it they realize later they went head long into it with out knowing themselves first.

The thing to remember is we all know how difficult it can be and we have all been in the situation you are in right now.
Some of us are in the "tough love" camp and some like to coddle you and say it will be alright so you will get all kinds of answers but please we all want the best for you even if it seems we are calling you down on things sometimes.

[Joanne86]

I think there is a lot of great advice that can help you piece together the puzzle you are working on. I probably am not the best at giving advice but the best advice I could give is try not to over-think any of it. If you let it get to your head too much you are likely to be blinded to what is already in front of you. Sometimes we spend too much time trying to figure out labels, something I can be guilty of.

[JeanTG]

How to find your spot on the spectrum? I suggest finding a good therapist familiar with gender issues. If you plan to go further down the gender spectrum, beware it is not a DIY project. You will *need* a therapist, especially if you're contemplating any physical changes, be it HRT or surgeries. It took me two years with my therapist (and a second opinion of one of her colleagues) to start me down the transition road, and I am taking it one step at a time. First step HRT. I've consolidated that step after 7 weeks on HRT, and have concluded it was absolutely the correct move as my well-being has improved enormously because of it. The next step will be going full-time when the lock-down ends. That will be a crucial step.

[LilSissyStevie]

Why be on a "spectrum"? Can't you just consider yourself an individual with a unique set of characteristics? Besides, I don't think this "thing" is a one dimensional spectrum. It's a 17 dimensional vector space.*



*after one of my former math professors who wrote his thesis on 17 dimensional vector spaces. Why not 16 or 33? I have no idea.

[SaraLin]

When it comes to finding my place on the gender spectrum, I keep thinking of one of those gadgets they sell in the gift shops.
It's a pendulum that has a magnet on the bottom. In the middle of the base is another magnet that keeps the pendulum's magnet from simply coming to rest at the bottom.
This keeps the arm of the pendulum swinging and bobbing in crazy, unpredictable motions - trying to find a balance between the opposing forces of magnetism and gravity.
Remember these?

For me, I'm the pendulum.
My nature (gravity) would have me settling quietly in the middle (full female).
My magnet would be my physical body (male).
the opposing magnet would be social conventions, inner beliefs, anything that says a person in a male body can't live as a female. It all pushes me toward Male.
So - I don't have a "spot" on the spectrum. I wobble around. I draw near female, only to be pushed back towards male, again and again.

I will admit that I AM in a relatively quiet spot. The wild swings have diminished and I only dance around the edges, in my balance zone. but it doesn't take much to start the arm swinging again.
My latest 'nudge' was reestablishing contact with a friend who has known me as both Sara and "him." I found myself wondering if -just maybe- life could have been different.
And the bouncing continues...

[Stephanie47]

It sounds as if you're looking for a specific point on a spectrum which is where you are between two extreme ends. Personally, I think of this as a moving focal point along a scale. Sort of when you're on the internet and you're dragging the cursor along a line. Internal and external stimuli are going to push the cursor back and forth. For some the cursor will forever travel from left to right. For others the cursor may move back and forth. There also may be more than one spectrum along whatever journey you feel is awaiting you; sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression. I found it somewhat interesting that my state law lists under protected classes those three elements separately and does not lump them all together. Most scholars of the state law place cross dressing in the class of gender expression.

[Tracii G]

Why do you feel you have to find where you are on the scale ?
Just be yourself and remember you don't have to fit in a box or category.

[Krea]

Why do you feel you have to find where you are on the scale ?
Just be yourself and remember you don't have to fit in a box or category.

This is so true!

Carisa: A few months ago i finally stopped worrying about what "category" i was and started being the person i really wanted to be. I've no idea where that is on the TG spectrum and it really doesn't bother me.
I now feel so much happier and far more confident.
Just be you and enjoy it!

[Natalie5004]

Just to be clear. I am a newbe at talking out loud about this CD subject. And I would like to see if others feel like me.
It is very likely that I am a lesbian. I love women and their smell, clothes, make up, and hair. To the point I want to feel the same way. I do not want sex from any man. I am 100% sure of that. And I have had sex with a women while dressed in lingerie (me and them). I loved that too.

Long winded question.... Can a man be a lesbian?

Leslie