My mom told me about my fathers crossdressing. (How) do I bring this up with him?

[Curiousdaughter]

Hi there all!

I am a Dutch female (so bear with me if I make any grammar mistakes); I am 30 years old. I have a great relationship with both my mom and dad. Both my mom and dad are quite artistic/love designer clothes/art/furniture. My dad is 73 now and my mom is 70. A few weeks ago, I watched a documentary about crossdressing with my mother by coincidence. After the documentary, my mom and I talked a bit about gender. All the sudden, I asked her: does my dad ever wear female clothes? It was kind of an out of the blue question, and my mother's reaction was hesitation. So I said to her straight away: I guess he does, since you' not answering my question. Then she told me that my dad wears female clothes for over almost 40 years now. He does it when he is alone with her; and she is totally accepting and loving his way of expressing himself. She also told me that some of their friends 'caught' him wearing female clothes, so they know. She also said that they really tried to hide it from me and my brother, because they don't know what the fact of him enjoying wearing female clothes will do with the image we have of him as a father. My brother is quite conservative. I'm not. So my mother was really in doubt if she should tell my brother as well, since I now know this "secret". I told her that it is a very personal thing for my father, and that there is no such thing as the 'right? to know a secret, just because the other kid knows. Anyhow; the thing for me is: my mother told me that my father is the most emphatic, relaxed, reflective character when he wears his female clothes, (way) different than when he wears his male clothes. My mother has told me this, but she doesnt have the nerves to tell my father that I know. Because he doesn't want me to know. How do I deal with this? Are there any one of you out there who talked about this with their childer? Or maybe that your child started the discussion? What whould you do, if you where me? Should I leave it as it is? My deepest desire now is to let my father know that I am completely proud of him and that I admire him for finding his true style and ways of expressing himself. But I guess he would feel very vunerable if I came up with the topic. Still, I have this strong feeling that I want to let him know that it is all okay and that he can wear the clothes when I am around (my mother told me that they had quite a few occasions where I came trough the door and my father rushed upstairs to change - I really would like for him to not feel that stress when I am around). So yeah, I would love to hear from people who shared with their children, or who didn't and why, and what you would like if you where in my dads faboulus high heels right now. Thanks for reading and a lot of love!

[Tracii G]

No reason that you have to tell him.
Just be his daughter and leave it be.Treat him as you always have.
You really aren't doing it to let him know you accept him you are doing it to make yourself feel better.
Sit back and think is your desire to tell him going to actually do any good for him?
Maybe him knowing you know will change everything between you from here on out and make things worse in his mind.
Is that what you want? Kind of selfish of you don't you think?

[Micki_Finn]

You absolutely positively do NOT bring this up. Your mother betrayed his trust by telling you, and you’re throwing her under a bus by letting the cat out of the bag. Maybe sit them both down and tell them that you’re a crossdresser. Maybe your dad will be induced to come out to you, but if not, that’s his secret to keep.
Outing someone against their will is never ok.

[Salley s]

well well well , as life would have it this is my story on this , i have been married 43 years with two kids , my wife is supporting not to just me but all in our group.
we talk about if we should tell the kids and we decided not , they have enough of there own stuff so don't burden them with our stuff unless we have to. in a heated issue with my daughter about things in the room , my lovely wife blurts out thats not all my stuff , you you know your dads a crossdresser. so my daughter
says duh do you think i am stupid. so a few days later my wife says did your daughter talk to you about the other day, i accidentally told her you were a crossdresser.
i said no , so i called her on the phone ( by the way she was 26 years old at the time) and said i hear mom through me under the bus and her comment was dad she didnt just throw you under the bus but she put you under the wheels. i said well what do you think , her answer was so what. she supports me and my group just like her mom, she gone to trans picnic , pride events , ect. she is a happy bubble , i ask her to go to event with me and her and she said / and go see a bunch of grown men in dresses , i am in. hopefully you can see my pitcher of how it happen and its result . not every ones will be the same but it can work out.

oh and one of the best things at xmas my wife always buys salley something special and so dose my daughter now , that makes dad a happy girl.

my response to you is if he doesn't know you know leave it alone he will still fill safe. my opinion and filling safe is golden, happy choice

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Salley,

I would use great caution, "mores? and ?folkways? can carry unprecedented cultural weight to some people. Do you really have to bring it up? If it has been a secret this long, maybe it has been for a reason. Good luck.

Sincerely,

Brenda

[char GG]

Welcome to the forum,

My grown daughter knows about her dad's cding and is fine, totally accepting. My grown son is handicapped and lives next door. He saw his dad leave the house dressed and doesn't like it. For him everything is black and white. He doesn't want to see his dad dressed like a woman.

As far as saying anything to your dad, just my opinion but I do not think you should say anything. If he ever brings it up to you on his own, then you could show your support. For whatever reason that he doesn't want you to know, I think you should respect his wishes.

I must add that I think you are a very kind and empathetic daughter. You sound like a joy. Thanks for joining the forum.

[Dutchess]

Hello ,
Over the years I have met so many people from Nl who crossdress . It is really amazing . Anyway , my ex husband is Dutch , from Zeeland . Our youngest daughter knew when she was 2 and she has known about it all of her life , she is 19 now . My older kids from another marriage were alot older and they were all ok with it. His older kids back in nl are iffy on the whole thing . It was just a regular part of life for us . Dutch guys culturally seem to be much more reserved, shy and even somewhat secretive than other cultures and even though we were both ok about it he has remained very shy with alot of guilt over it ( the shyness and the shame are one of the reasons we are no longer together ) . He hid this from his family and ex wife but I knew something was up right away .

Many of the Dutch CD 'ers I know are this way ( except Fiona of course lol ! ) . Take it easy and slow if you want to bring it up , he may be ok with your mom knowing but no one else . My ex husband refused to ever tell his family including older kids , to the point they thought it was my fault that he dressed and he was ok with that . I mean he refused to give them any info about this at all . They were all a very open minded liberal family too . We all are .
If your dad is shy or reserved you might just want to take some time to really think about it . I m sure he knows you are proud of him anyway .

[Aka_Donna]

I don't think you bring it up directly. What about indirectly? Look at 32 degree polo's. Look male but feel and touch is femine, he may start to feel freer if he hoped you might be open to discussion.

If you decide to bring it up, consider approaching from a side approach such as
-- I saw an interesting historical story about XYZ, and I thought you might have some insights into that shows recounting of history, is it at all accurate.....
-- Start a legacy discussion: what would you like future generations to know about you and what would you like us all to keep hidden?
-- Start a life lessons learned discussion: looking back what went well in family relations and training, and what would I be best to examine to avoid.
-- start a what I've loved about having you around.. but I hate that sometimes I fear you are afraid I would think poorly of you because of something,ie. things out of place, I sometimes feel I am breaking up a good time with mom and I feel bad {so hint know, but spelling it out, so can either way, well I do some times, or keep on burying it}.. then
be sure the final part is good affirmation about joys of life with him.

Hope this may help in some way. I need to bring up the discussion with my sons, and have put it off because of the difficulty, but time is running out and I need to say something...

[Brenda Freeman]

First so nice you have an open mind. My experience: My wife knows the rest of the family does not, I have two Boys well men they are grown. I would feel uncomfortable them knowing about me. I have cousins who are gay my boys grew up knowing their partners and went to their weddings they embrace them and their spouses as family they are very open minded and accepting. Still for me I just do not think they need to know as I have this image such as it is I am Dad. I am so glad my boys and even my dad and mom grew from the experiences of accepting and loving family and their spouses we have come so far. But do not assume your dad would want you to know because you have a loving open mind. he no doubt has a role in life he wishes to represent to his children. So tread light maybe thru conversation over time the door may open.

[Patience]

Why should you bring it up with him? Just because you know? If the dressing was revealed without your father's consent, your mother, rightly or wrongly, betrayed his confidence. Just because your mother couldn?t keep quiet, does that mean you can?t either? They say that daughters turn into their mothers.

Let sleeping dogs lie. You know what curiosity did to the cat.

[Stephanie47]

My wife has secrets. I have secrets. Our son and daughter know none of them. There is no reason for them to know. If either of us want our kids to know, then it is up to us individually to tell our own secrets, not the other's. At this point in time there is nothing you can do to undo what has happened. Now there are three who are party to dad's secret, and, two who share a different secret. Even if dad were to pass away tomorrow it is still not your secret to reveal. You need to take it to the grave with you.

[nvlady]

Don't say anything to him. This is his own personal business.

My two daughters are aware of me, but have never said anything about it, and I prefer it that way.

[Aka_Donna]

This documentary sounds intriguing, is there any way people in the states could see it? is there a name, source or some way we could track it down?

Some have thought your mom went overboard by sharing, but in the context I think it would have been wrong for her not to share. Another approach would be to share your impression of the interesting show you watched with your dad and especially how it effected you, but do not put him on the spot. Just offer how you might think it would be interesting to talk to someone who shared some of the characteristics of the show focus people. Leave it open ended, do not ask him if he knows anyone you might talk to

[wanabe-Leona]

Let me say first of all I don't think your Mom betrayed your dad. You just came up with the right question and put 2 and 2 together she might have said a little after but that was to ease you.
Like others have said you should not bring it up directly but let him know indirectly that what people do, does not bother you 1 way or another. WHAT HE DOES ON HIS OWN IS HIS. If I read between the lines correctly you are a very caring person and I'm sure he knows this.
Welcome to the forum and let us know the of the outcome .

[mbmeen12]

You can start to wear a; Pride pin and maybe, just maybe, he will pick up the no verbal... I wouldn't bring it up until your father does...

Thank you for coming to our site and love to hear more from you...

[Crissy 107]

Interesting post, as I was reading it I was thinking about what you should do. After reading the responses I have to agree with the majority and say to just leave it be. You may now pick up on things he does or things about him that you may have missed in the past.
I feel if he gives you an opening then say something but other then that just let it go.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

A mother having trouble lying to a daughter doesn't sound like a betrayal to me.

My take is if my daughter came to me and said she knew and was accepting it'd be great, but not out to anyone in the family so it's not the same situation.

[Connie D50]

I have two daughter and they both know, however I was the one who told them. I understand to a degree why your mom told you. I think if your dad wanted you to know he would have (or will) told you. I'm going to guess you have always been proud of your dad and you can still be very proud without bring this up.

[DianeT]

Your mother betrayed his trust by telling you, and you’re throwing her under a bus by letting the cat out of the bag.

But if she wanted to not betray her husband's trust she had to lie in the face of her daughter. Asking someone to keep your secret can put her/him in impossible situations. Agree about - possibly - throwing her under the bus, but if the cat is out of the bag at some point the mother shouldn't feel guilty in my opinion, it was a very tough call as she was asked a direct question by her daughter. I don't have kids so I can't advise on the course to take.

[DianaPrince]

I would consider mentioning the documentary, and what you thought of it (without bringing your mom into it).

That leaves him an opening, if he wants to take it.

If he does, great. If he doesn’t, then let it drop.

[Nadia Wren]

If it has been a few weeks since you watched the documentary, you obviously have been investiagating on your own which led you here. There is a lot of good advice given.
My question is, what was the documentary? Was is about CD?s struggling or coping with it? Or some over the top RuPaulish slant on CDing?

[Curiousdaughter]

My question is, what was the documentary? Was is about CD?s struggling or coping with it? Or some over the top RuPaulish slant on CDing?

Hi Nadia, thanks for your kind words and your question. It was a beautiful human interest documentary about a crossdresser from the same part as the Netherlands where my parents are from, a region that is very proud of their own identity and is known for their hard labour and not sharing of emotions. This guy was actually a CD'er for the most of his life, and the makers of the film showed the struggle and route the man and his wife had of accepting each other. It was so beautiful to see the love between these people, coming from this little no-nonsense village, let's say not like Amsterdam and the steriotype that people have of The Netherlands at all. And the man came out now in public onder a new name as well. He was still judging at the local car races, in his new appeareance, and all the people there accepted him. My mother was so overly touched by the documentary, also because these people where from their home region, that it somehow just came to mind that this might be their story. And that's when I knew and accidently put her on the spot.

[Tracii G]

I can see maybe having your Mom mention something to him about all of this but there is a main theme running all through all of what you wrote and that is YOU and what You want.
You seem to want to invade his "sanctuary" of dressing. Its the one thing he does for himself so why not respect that?
The reason so many of of the CDs here say to leave it alone is they are male and they have dealt with just this kind of thing for a lifetime.
Women on the other hand think differently they worry about where "they" fit in a situation with family,they cannot leave things alone.
Please don't get mad at what I say and its not a slam on you personally but what I said has been my experience in life of 67 years.
Basically its a mind your own business kind of thing and if he wants to share it with you he will of his own accord not by you forcing the matter.
I am just trying to get you to sit back and think thru all of this and not do something you might regret later.
The part of the world where you live makes no difference really progressive or not men are men the world over.

[GretchenM]

There is an informal rule on this. Don't tell unless there is a need for them to know. Not everybody observes that, but many do. I suspect your father was of that mind. He is probably a little tormented by desiring people to know, but not telling because of the possible consequences such as the loss of friends and some family members that are important in his life. But like others, I have found the Dutch to generally be a very accepting people when it comes to "weird behavior." But, from your perspective regarding your father this is an assumption as you don't really know what he would prefer. So, it is probably best to assume he does not want you to know because he has not revealed this to you. So, for you, that means keeping his secret that, for you, is no secret now. It is important to respect his desires regarding this, even if it is an assumption that he does not want you to know. I suspect, in a perfect world, he wants you and everyone to know, but it is not a perfect world. So he remains closeted for safety sake and to avoid the terrible pain of revealing the truth to someone who he cares about and having them turn on him. I did that once and it was no fun. Lost a childhood friend.

However, you can show him in an indirect way that you accept the crossdressing behavior as being a personal choice. When opportunities arise, you can make those "Oh, and by the way" type of comments about it being acceptable to you with no reference to him, no little looks that communicate "I know your secret." Just show an acceptance of the behavior. He may come out to you and if he does don't point out that your mother told you as that could get her in trouble. Don't act terribly surprised as that could be read as phony. Just say something like, "So? You are still my father and I think of you as my father no matter what you are wearing. It is fine with me." There is no untruth there.

And welcome to the forum. I hope you can find a lot of things here that will further your understanding. There are other women here that you can share with and most of us who are CDers or transgender of some kind or other would be happy to communicate with you about experiences and feelings. You have already seen the evidence of that in the quick and numerous responses to your concerns. We are a pretty accepting bunch of people and a lot of us prefer communicating with women rather than men. I have been that way all my life.

[Jolene Robertson]

Being in a similar situation as your Dad, (my kids don't know). Now that your Mom has told you, I'll bet at some point she'll tell your Dad that you asked and she told you. So I'd just wait and see what happens. It's remained a secrete this long, no need to broach the subject yourself. I worry about how my daughters would view me if they knew. They both have friends who are gay and are ok with it but knowing it's their Dad might change things.