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Thread: Six months on HRT

  1. #1
    Member Carolina's Avatar
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    Six months on HRT

    This week will be my sixth month anniversary on HRT! This road is very exciting but also quite frustrating and full of self doubts.

    The main noticeable change is quite a bit of breast growth (I wouldn?t know how to quantify it, but it should be between an A and a B cup). The other not noticeable change is the drop in the urgency of transitioning and the lack of libido (which is fine for me). I?m quite thin so I don?t see redistributing of body fat anywhere (besides the breasts).

    Why is this frustrating? Mainly because I?m not out socially nor at work. At home my wife knows about it (and is completely and openly hostile), and my 20 year old daughter knows about my gender issues but refuses to process them internally. My son, living in NY, doesn?t know but it would kill him if he knew. Our house help doesn?t know oficially but she has to know since there are too many clues lying around. My wife doesn?t want me to come out to our house help since it helps her keep Carolina at bay for longer periods of time. As a result of all of this, I spend most of my time in male mode (with smallish breasts, that is ).

    in confinment Carolina only comes out when talking to my psychologist once a week or with my speech therapist, also once a week, until it finished last week. She told me that until I go full time it is useless to keep the therapy since I spend most of my time speaking in male mode and the muscles keep having difficulty to adjust to my female range. I feel I was fired by my speech therapist! 🙄

    I keep epilating my body but due to the confinment I had to put on hold my laser treatments for my beard (already more than a year with it), chest and armpits. The benefit of the confinment is the ability to keep my nails as long as I want them (over a quarter of an inch) and do my manicure at home once a week. I hide my nails during the constant work videoconferences I have during the week but I don?t hide them at home anymore. My wife hates seeing them in pink and my daughter avoids looking at them. I don?t know what our house help thinks, but they are quite obvious.

    Why self-doubts? Because I can?t come out at work, nor I can do it socially. Adding to that the hostility at home makes me wonder if I?m doing the right thing knowing that Carolina can?t be free at least for a few more years (I have some financial obligations that make quitting my pretty decent job unrealistic). Why HRT then? Why growing boobs now that are going to be difficult to hide while on the beach or pools? On the other hand I believe I?m underestimating the mental help that HRT provides. My psychologist asked me how I would feel about this if my wife were to be supportive (utopia). The truth is that Carolina would be far more present and happier with her transition and it would probably go much faster.

    I also miss the few social gatherings with other CDs/transwomen I managed to attend as Carolina. Between the confinment and my wife who hates it when I dare to go to some of those gatherings, life is tough wihtout some form of support group.

    Oh well, apologies for my blabbering and long post. It had been a while since I found the courage (and the time) to participate in the forum. Hopefully I?m back now.❤️

  2. #2
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    To use a flying analogy, what will need to happen in your life to get you out of the holding pattern and on with your flight to your destination?

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    If your wife is hostile to your HRT and you are hiding it and your feminine leanings from everyone else, I would just wonder why you are continuing with it. Many of the common HRT medicines (the testosterone blockers) have serious side effects that can affect your health.

    At some point you're going to have to make some hard decisions, basically continue with transition and lose your family and career or give it up and remain a traditional male. You can crossdress (like I do) but keep it hidden.

    You need to do some serious thinking and maybe with professional help. Good luck.
    Krisi

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    Carolina,
    My thoughts initially were the same as Krisi but having been through counselling I know the drive is much deeper than just wearing the clothes . You are very brave stepping down this road and would love to see you succeed but I really can't see how you can resolve all the issues you are facing .

    With the current lockdown because of Covid-19 you are lucky to be in a well paid job , maybe think hard about retaining that and perhaps put your transition on the back burner for a while . You're sitting on a house of cards if it all collapses you may have nothing left , no income and possibly no family .

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Hi Carolina! It seems to me that you are letting everyone around you decide about your transition. I know because I was there myself. Years of therapy helped me see that I was internalizing other peoples rejection of what I was doing. I came to the conclusion that I was not going to face old age and eventually die having denied this deep thing in myself because of other peoples attitudes toward it. Years later I have never been more grateful that I found the determination to transition and live my life outwardly as a woman. Yes, it cost me something in relationships, lost family members, lost friends,lost clients, etc; but for me the gift of being able to live openly and without fear of "being found out" has been worth the cost. I do have something precious that I am sad to see that you do not and that is an accepting, supporting wife. You might say that the motto of my post is "To Thine Own Self Be True."

  6. #6
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    Carolina -

    Sorry to hear of your difficulties. You are dealing with some very difficult issues and concerns. Family strife is never easy. With Shelter in Place, family strife is the worst! So, I'm sorry.

    The only thing I really wanted to comment on is how much your speech therapist sucks! That is horrible of them to "fire" you. I work with a speech therapist, and have for some time now off and on. Mine is fabu in that she is very comfortable working with people who identify in a variety of ways. She has no issue even in working with self labeled cross dressers who have no intention of transition and would just occasionally like to sound more with their presented gender. For your speech therapist to tell you that someone can't use different ranges for their voice is just ignorant. The voice is an instrument that can be trained in a variety of ways to create a variety of sounds. My advice, if you want to continue with voice therapy, find a different therapist.

    My best to you in overcoming your hurtles.

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    I totally empathize, Carolina. I'm just over 2 months in with HRT. Changes came on very fast for me. Libido quit within a week (not missed at all), spontaneous erections stopped within about 2 weeks (also not missed), and now two months in there is minor but noticeable breast development, about an inch more circumference. I am also in a hostile situation, stuck in it because of confinement. Everything is on pause. I can only dress in women's jeans and bland women's shirts. I do have pierced ears and wear the studs that went in with the piercing. I grow my nails but only use clear polish for the time being. I have three kids. two (son and trans daughter) are terrifically supportive, one a son, is having a hard time with it. Like Dorit I tent to internalize the rejection of my wife and son. However I cherish the ability to live honestly. As my therapist says, if someone has a problem with what you're doing, it's their problem not yours. I'm now trying to work on a post-confinement life plan to give myself hope. De-confinement is going to come in phases here; being over 60 and diabetic, I won't be in the first wave that's for sure! At least I can get out on my bike to burn off some frustration, it's not prohibited and is in fact encouraged; thus far I'm riding about 160+ km per week, depending on weather. And like Carolina, the HRT has taken away the sense of urgency without killing the desire to move ahead, it just makes me more philosophical about a more relaxed pace and being currently on pause. Moreover since starting HRT I have never felt better physically. There is NO WAY I would stop HRT now. For the record, I'm on a combination of low-dose Androcur and estradiol patches. I have had no serious side effects; a bit of loss of upper body strength, in fact it's what limits my cycling outings to about 70 km max, my shoulders and neck get too sore. My diabetic control (meds, no insulin) remains excellent, and my weight is stable in my optimum body-mass index range.

    I do have some angst about "passing" due to beard shadow. My laser treatments were supposed to begin March 30 but the lock-down put the kibosh on that. Our government is now recommending face masks. I ordered some, and it will be a sneaky way to hide the beard shadow so I can finally go out as a woman without feeling embarrassed! However going out is a trip to the grocery store about every 1-2 weeks, the pharmacy about once a month, and the odd errand to the hardware store or post office.

    Hang in there Carolina, I know what "hostile" is like, it's not fun and often fills us with self-doubt. My wife has developed a passive aggressive response. She likes to surf on her iPad in the dining room which is attached to the kitchen. The minute I enter the kitchen to get something to drink, a snack, or make myself a quick sandwich for lunch to take back to my "cell" (my study where I also have my bed; in this usage "cell" is like a monk's cell, not a prison cell), she gets up, leaves, and locks herself in a bathroom. It's passive-aggressive, it rubs me raw, and it is highly insulting. I will call her on it especially since she wants a non-acrimonious divorce after confinement.

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    Aspiring Member MarieTS's Avatar
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    Carolina, as I hope you know, you came to the right place. All the advice given in these posts is solid. And I hope you see there is a great deal of empathy and a fair share of "I've been there," because all have had to deal with similiar situations. Ultimately you are going to have to make some very unpleasant choices. This isn't easy, we know. But the sooner you establish your priorities and take action the better you will feel. Yes, there will be discomfort. You just have to decide where and how you can best handle that discomfort. At least you have our friendly support to assist in your choices no matter what they may be.
    Think positive!
    Marie

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    JeanTG,
    Not wanting to sidetrack Carolina's thread too far . Do you think your wife is very much like mine in that she's lost or losing control of you ? I agree their attitude appears to be insulting but I guess they are facing a big change in their lives , standing back it doesn't have to be like that . I wonder also if she will be the one with the biggest regrets when your separation / divorce is done and dusted . After two years my wife now rings me regularly , we are more like friends as we know there is no going back , there's no future in it !

    That is the point I would make with you and Carolina that the World doesn't end , no matter what we are not going to change , once we've accepted that for ourselves then everyone else will have to either have to be on board or stay away . At some point you do have to think of yourself and what is right for you .

  10. #10
    Member Carolina's Avatar
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    Thank you all. I love hearing from you all with many truths that are good to read as well. My therapist keeps telling me that this is the first time in my life when I have to make a difficult decision that would imply a significant loss in either case, Carolina vs a very sucessful career, family, money and social status. I keep fooling myself into believing that I could still maintain it all until I retire (a long 14 years from now), when finalizing my transition might be easier.

    Dorit you are far more courageous than I am, but hearing about successful transitions like yours and others gives me hope, and sometimes I wonder if I should throw it all out the window and be true to myself. Then the rational (and coward) in me tells me that it’s better to wait and keep navigating the two worlds as best as I can. Throwing it all out would leave me in a world of no job and no friends. My concern would also be solitude at a time when we are not getting any younger...

    Jean, sorry to hear about your wife’s hostility as well. My wife doesn’t leave the room when I enter, but when she sees my chest she grimaces with an argh and some comment like, those are gross, that many times includes my beautiful and perfectly manicured nails��. I’ve developed thick skin for that.

    As my therapist also tells me the difference with most of her other patients is that my life as a male is a very good one and I have had no major problems (except that it is not the true me). I thought I’ve been leading a pretty happy and great life, but when last year Carolina was able to walk the streets as any other woman I realized what happiness truly meant.

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    Theresa, all I know is that my wife is extremely angry, and calls me despicable because I didn't come clean to her about being trans in my 20s. I did tell her before we married that I was a cross-dresser. I thought I might be trans in my 20s, but figured I wasn't. I wasn't and still am not into men, and back then I figured you had to be into men to be trans. Didn't know that sexual orientation and gender identity were separate things back then. No internet. So I just said "yes it was bad to do what I did" and left it at that. My wife has always been a closed book, no idea what she's really thinking. All I can think of right now is that I need to get out of this situation as soon as possible. It's extremely unhealthy.

  12. #12
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    Several people have posted that their wives are angry with them or make derogatory comments about their physical appearance. Transition, HRT or crossdressing aside, these are signs of a marriage gone bad. Even if you were to quit the transition and go back to the "macho" male that she expects, the damage has been done and it's apparent that she doesn't really love you. Marriage is a compromise of course, but in my opinion, this crosses the line. It's time to consider ending the marriage and living your life the way you want to live it. Life is too short to live it married to someone who doesn't love you and constantly disrespects you.
    Krisi

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    Krisi,
    I'm inclined to agree with you , my wife followed that classic pattern now she's regreting not thinking it through even to the point where she asked me if I was missing her .

    I'm afraid the word " Love " means different things to different people .

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member Eemz's Avatar
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    I have been following your story Carolina and this is a tough situation but I think your therapist is right. I would even say that “the die is cast” ... I don't see how you can all go back to how things were and pretend this all never happened. Best case you can have a fake marriage for 14 years for external appearance and financial gain. I suppose that could work but you would have to figure out a way to have separate lives because this current bs isn’t sustainable for anyone.

    I know that cultures vary so I can’t offer an opinion on your environment and expectations of financial disaster.

    I will just say that in 14 years time you will all either have lived 14 years in a fake and horrible situation, or you will have had 14 years to get over the divorce. Hard choices my friend. I hope that it all works out as well as possible for all of you.
    Last edited by Eemz; 05-04-2020 at 04:09 PM. Reason: Quotes

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    Eemz,
    I'm not sure if calling Carolina's or anyone elses a fake marriage is fair comment , my children and grand children are far from fake , the business I ran with my wife for thirty years wasn't fake . I married because I loved someone , that wasn't fake . Doing all this as a TG also wasn't fake the downside was they were incompatible . Making the right decision in these circumstances isn't easy it hurts because we do care . If Carolina makes the wrong decision she could face a future with no income or family , she admits that herself when it gets to that point taking a U turn isn't possible .
    Last edited by Teresa; 05-04-2020 at 05:52 PM.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member Eemz's Avatar
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    I think you misunderstood me, I was talking about the future not the past. What I’m reading is that the current situation sucks for everybody and one option being considered is we fake it for 14 years until I retire. The only way I can see that working is it if they figure out how to live separate lives while maintaining the appearance. All versions of the story end with I transition and we split up, it’s just a question of when.

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    Teresa, I agree it's not fake. When I think I made the wrong choice marrying my wife (whom I married because I love her), I think of my three kids, who wouldn't exist if we hadn't got together. I tried to tell that to my wife and it was like "so what, I would have had kids with someone else". You have to have ice water in your veins to say that. I replied they wouldn't be OUR kids, three unique individuals that we love. We tried to put together the best lives we could with all the ups and downs that entails. Even when my dressing was in latency (for nearly 20 years), my wife was a difficult person to live with, but hey, I said "I do" to "for better or for worse" and all that. I even multiple times just begged for acceptance and a compromise where I could have had a bit of time alone to be myself. She rejected that out of hand. Then she said it wouldn't solve anything and she wanted out. Well nothing will ever be "solved", I'm just looking for a balance I can live with. Now that I have nothing to lose, I've taken the first step towards transition (HRT).

    Speaking of the meaning of love, right now I would have to say it is very much a verb and not a feeling. Especially after what she said about our kids.

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    Jean,
    Rather ironic in a conversation between my wife and my mother she accused me of being cold and unemotional .

    You could be right that she may have ice in her veins but it maybe more a case of lashing out and hurting where it hurts the most . Our TG issues may have hurt them but it's not intentional , why would we want it to be ? To hurt us back over an issue that for many is tearring us apart is often hard to understand , OK they didn't sign up for it but neither did we but we had little choice , it was something we were dealt with at birth .

    Jean , I really feel your pain , I was very lucky getting it all done and dusted before the coronavirus hit , you have no where to turn for relief apart from your "Cell " , time must be standing still for you at the moment .

    Eemz,
    I understand , I wonder in that case how many are holding on to that dream of retirement ? For many the grass doesn't always turn out to be greener , pensions aren't performing well anymore and some wives/partners maybe blissfully unaware of the bombshell that's about to hit them . I know it's one aspect my wife is both annoyed and upset about , we aren't entering those so called " Golden years " as a couple , I know I can't make up for that but it was one of the reasons why we agreed to split 50-50 , she knew I could still offer a family sized home to the children and grandchildren should they need support at any time .
    Last edited by Teresa; 05-05-2020 at 07:28 AM.

  19. #19
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Carolina,
    For the records I'm now over 2 years on HRT. Living a a woman full time. Our income mostly came from her job, I'm starting my own business, my breast is now impossible to conceal, my face as changed, even without make up people calls me mom or miss. It's impossible for me be David again. Before end of the month I will get orchiectomy. The paperwork for legal name change had just dropped in the court.
    Keep happily married living together after 41 years.

    I can see that you, as many, included myself, tend to be sure about what would happen if, you would killed your son, you would destroy your career, you will loose your wife (at this moment, after reading almost all of the post of this thread, I'm confused with so many rejecting wives) but things not always happen as we had feared for so long.
    One important factor in this wrong view of the future is we see everything happening at the same time but it meant have to be in that way.
    Once we get into hormones something happens in our minds that want us to move forward faster and do thing that we didn't even dream about before. After years or a whole life faking it, living in a sicological jail, the taste of freedom is great and we want everything, we won't be happy with just crumbs.
    After all this said, I would recommend you to keep slowly on what you're doing. This confinment, for your purpose is favorable, so let things go slow.
    Regarding your wife, you must try to get in her shoes and see the things how she does, I correct myself, women don't see, don't think, they feel and react according of feelings (you're like a woman too, just feeling) So try to visualize and understand all the feelings and then the reasons of your wife.
    One of the of problems in women, whenever we can accept it or no, they live for the pattern of being under a man with all that implies and offer, security, safety, status, sex, etc so to have now a husband that's leaving, voluntarily abandoning to be a man is leaving her abandoned and without any foundation in life and they just react instinctively, surviving, there is no reason just pain, desperation and a dark tunnel but, human beings can't see in darkness, that's a myth, after 30 minutes we adapt our vision and will see more, a lot, the same in life, after a while she and you, will see new options, when the fear of the first impressions fade, devanish, new ways will come to your lives.
    So take it easy, go slow, not overthink.
    I just yesterday pierced my ears. Wife's reaction was worse than I expected but I trust and still believing in love, she loves me, I love her. If no love I would left her so long ago and she would kicked me out of the house so long ago too.
    So, do you love your wife? Make concessions, give her time, be patience. If she truly loves you (that word truly is not needed, there's no fake love) she will see things in a different way just let your and her eyes adapt to darkness.
    Mho.
    Devi
    HRT 042018; Full time 032019
    Orchiectomy 062020; gender& name legal changed 102020
    Electrolysis face begins 082019, in genitals for GCS 062021
    Breast augmentation surgery 012022
    GCS 072022; BBL 022023; GCS revision 04203;END TRANSITION

  20. #20
    Member Carolina's Avatar
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    Thanks Devi, I?m taking it as slow as I can because I love and respect my wife. She is a very smart woman (valedictorian in her top engineering school) and we get along quite well as a couple. Since she loved me she put up with my need to dress as a woman over the years and in fact would buy me clothes at any gift giving occasion since that?s what I really wanted. The moment when we both realized this was not just a CD issue but a deeper, gender one the situation changed, and she became openly against it. As many other wives have said, she is not a lesbian nor she signed up for this. I do see her point of view and that?s why I try to tip toe around the issue and try not to be too in her face.

    Having said that, I have been making inroads little by little in the past with going in male mode to facials together, nail salons or pushing the envelope dressing more at home (when our kids were both in the US prior to Covid). As soon as I came out to the ladies at the beauty parlor and went as Carolina, she refused to go with me and told me that Carolina and her have to be in separate worlds. I?m hanging on to a hope (that seems more an utopia) that she could eventually come around for the sake of our marriage, but the reality is that she is openly hostile to Carolina. She grimaces when she sees my breasts or my estrogen patches, and she grimaces when she sees me covering my body with my nightgown (I only use nightgowns) or my nails. Part of me understands that it is not abnormal to have negative reactions seeing the man she married becoming a woman. That?s why my skin is thicker to her derogatory comments and reactions, although my therapist tells me that there should be a limit to those hostile and aggressive comments (I guess I?ve gotten used to them and just brush them off to avoid civil war in the hopes of a brighter future hoding on to the marriage...)

    By the way Devi I envy your long, straight hair. I guess that helps your apperance. I?ve been growing my hair during this confinement but it only grows out like a clown?s hair and am not sure how to make a woman?s style out of that hair mess...

    Krisi, the issue of respect is very important for my wife. She respects my male me, but has zero respect for Carolina. I am the same person (another mantra in our world) but she doesn?t buy it.

    Eemz the rational me agrees with how well you summed it up: the story ends when I transition and we split up, it?s just a matter of when. The irrational in me hopes that with time there is a slightly higher chance of my wife getting used to, and putting up with Carolina and staying together (but even as I see it written I realize it is somehow delusional)

    Jean, I guess I am lucky that when my wife complains that she wouldn?t have married me had she known about my gender issues (that I didn?t know at the time either), at least she buys the argument that our marriage was worth it if only for our kids. She would not have had OUR kids with any other person. I feel for you.

    Thank you all for your comments and advice!

  21. #21
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Carolina,

    I really feel for you and your difficult situation. I do wish you the best as you move forward. As to moving forward and staying together, a thought and compromise on your part may be to make a list of your wife's individual dislikes/trigger points associated how you dress and how often she sees your patches, etc.. those are visual triggers for her that keep jabbing her in her gut. Then look at the list and maybe try to not do some things for a long while to see if that helps your wife realize that your are really, really trying to keep your marriage together and to help her see that maybe she can also try to keep your marriage together.

    Since you also feel strongly that you will eventually have to separate and live your live as yourself, I believe that it is getting close to the time that your children should know about you to give them a chance to better understand what is happening and who you are. They are young and probably have already been exposed to a lot of the trans world in some way, if nothing more than from news reports. They deserve to know and it is better that they know before you determine that it is time to leave. That may also help them not have a really negative view of you as to what they may think that you have done to their mother. They may get very defensive for her and you may suffer some long term issues with the children that you love so much.

    Also, your work situation may get impacted if you decide to try to keep them from knowing about Carolina. Your wife will eventually have to tell someone, if she already hasn't done that. That in itself can start an eventual migration of the truth to many other people, and that may eventually get back to your company. These are just suggestions as food for thought.

    I guess what I am trying to say is, that I, also being an engineer by education and a planner and problem solver and avoider by career, that you should be taking a big picture look at your situation and start planning for the future. You and your family will survive better if you do that, even to the point of getting your wife on your side to maintain your relationship with your children, or your children on your side to help with your wife.

    I do wish you the best of luck.

    Hugs,

    Allie

  22. #22
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Carolina, thanks for your compliment to my long hair. I'm very happy too and yes, it's fundamenta; to pass as a woman, at least for me, I remember a time when people on the street, a begging homeless, a lost woman, anyone could call me mom but when i turn to see them they excuse themselves, I would just laugh.
    Using my long hair as an example of patience and needed time, it didn't grown in few days, even few months. I remember that mine was a mess too, bothering in my face, mouth, etc but with time, around 4 years now, is long and I learned to manage, to care and live with it, it gives you a lot of uncomfortable situations as when it get trapped with the door of the car, or with back of a seat, and lately arranging it I hit my just pierced ears that are so sensitive and felt a lot of pain.
    The same is with transition of a married man, it takes time for a wife to "transition" too. You need to do some concessions, as delay to wear all the time, get dressed in front of her, the nightgown. I'm not telling you to be Hippocratic and do thing on her back but first try to talk with open heart to an open heart with her.
    Try to find a quiet. intimate moment, a sunset on the beach (hard now but not impossible) any place that both enjoy and have the time and tact to open your heart and let her open her heart too, understanding and letting her know that you know what she's feeling but telling her what you feel for her. Your feelings and commitment hasn't changed. All we changed, my wife was very skinny and I love it, without mention that she didn't have gray hair or wrinkles. Everybody change, I know what will say, "but you are changing to be a woman. At this point I remember what you mention about the parlor nail salon. What a woman feels is embarrassment of her husband, a male turning into a woman. This is a stereotype issue that is so rooted in our brains and just time and love can change and destroy.

    Try to be a better person that interest more in her now, after all she can win a better best friend that can understand her better than anybody but that will take time....

    Patience.

    Devi
    HRT 042018; Full time 032019
    Orchiectomy 062020; gender& name legal changed 102020
    Electrolysis face begins 082019, in genitals for GCS 062021
    Breast augmentation surgery 012022
    GCS 072022; BBL 022023; GCS revision 04203;END TRANSITION

  23. #23
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Carolina View Post
    As my therapist also tells me the difference with most of her other patients is that my life as a male is a very good one and I have had no major problems (except that it is not the true me). I thought I’ve been leading a pretty happy and great life, but when last year Carolina was able to walk the streets as any other woman I realized what happiness truly meant.
    This sounds similar to me in some aspects. The main one being that my male life was good enough and I had no major problems happening. A difference is that I only had a small inkling of an idea that my life was wrong once I fully dressed as myself again when I was about 30 or so. That was when I had the terrifying notion that I needed to get out of the closet and start interacting with society as myself. It only took me about 15 years to eventually transition and really begin finding out who I actually am.

    Part of my huge lag time, 15 years, was that I thought my life was not "bad enough." I didn't think I HAD to transition. I had no huge massive problems. I had no huge obvious signs of dysphoria. I had no lifelong innate knowledge that I was living my life appearing as the "wrong" gender. And pretty much every other trans person told me that I should not even consider transition, and in fact not even consider myself as truly transgender unless my life was a wreck and I was ready to kill myself. Some insisted that I should not transition unless I actually had tried to kill myself first. Wow. That was some horrible advise that I unfortunately listened to for far too long.

    I too am about 15 years off from retirement. At one point my wife said she would for sure leave if I transitioned. I am a middle school teacher in a super conservative community that defies California law and openly refuses paying for any type of TG health care, (doctors, therapists, service providers, procedures, medications, surgeries,) my friends and coworkers had all joked about killing TG people in my presence at some point, people who had transitioned kept telling me that all I was was a crossdresser and that I at least needed to attempt to kill myself.

    Despite all of that, something in me held on to a small almost extinguished spark of an idea. I defied all external evidence, listened to that tiny glimmer of hope within myself, got into therapy, changed my hormones, socially transitioned, and found what I had been missing, true happiness.

  24. #24
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    Nadine,
    Some very familiar comments there . I haven't checked statistics recently but it's tragic to sink to those depths to consider how worthless your life is . I console myself that twenty years ago it wasn't premeditated and I lived to tell the tale , no way on this Earth was I going down that road again .

    The timespan you comment on brings my own thoughts of many of us have a twenty year cycle , so many on the forum hit the first biggy by coming out in their forties , and I've noticed that many hit the wall again in their sixties . By the time we hit that age it's obvious something really does have to happen before time runs out , the big surprise for me is the number who still go on hormones and end up with SRS . It appears for some dysphoria doesn't deminish it gets stronger , I feel I'm being realistic rather than a coward , the only real pressure should come from inside us not friends or the forum and inside me I'm now happy and comfortable .

    Carolina,
    Sorry I missed that comment from you therapist . I never had that comment made , there is no reason to make it otherwise you wouldn't be in therapy , you seek their expertise because life as a man isn't working . I feel my male life was like living in a straightjacket , doing what other people expected of me and until I hit my forties I'd never stopped to ask why I had the gut feeling 24/7 , that something wasn't quite right . I was lucky the NHS paid for my counselling and I was also lucky to have people who could help me .
    Last edited by Teresa; 05-10-2020 at 11:35 AM.

  25. #25
    Member barbara gordon's Avatar
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    Aug 2009
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    Following this post. I have been on hrt for 25 months. Still living mostly in male mode. With out writing a huge long response i can say that the drive to transition and even the ?drive?to ?crossdress? diminished almost immediately on starting hrt. The burning curiosity was out quickly for me. One thing that i realized is that there are tons of risks for me also to fully transition socially to fulltime feminine presentation. This is profound to me also. But i do know that transition and femininity became more of an internal thing for me in a good way.
    So my advice/or question to you is this: what if you choose to continue with hrt anyway , yet maintain most of the rest of the other parts of your life? Its a compromise. The physical changes will happen for sure, but so too will the internal and emotional and intellectual changes which in my experience are surprisingly worth more . The outward feminine markers such as long hair nails and clothing can come later when you are ready and when you make others around you aware thatbylu cant wait anylonger.

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