This week will be my sixth month anniversary on HRT! This road is very exciting but also quite frustrating and full of self doubts.

The main noticeable change is quite a bit of breast growth (I wouldn?t know how to quantify it, but it should be between an A and a B cup). The other not noticeable change is the drop in the urgency of transitioning and the lack of libido (which is fine for me). I?m quite thin so I don?t see redistributing of body fat anywhere (besides the breasts).

Why is this frustrating? Mainly because I?m not out socially nor at work. At home my wife knows about it (and is completely and openly hostile), and my 20 year old daughter knows about my gender issues but refuses to process them internally. My son, living in NY, doesn?t know but it would kill him if he knew. Our house help doesn?t know oficially but she has to know since there are too many clues lying around. My wife doesn?t want me to come out to our house help since it helps her keep Carolina at bay for longer periods of time. As a result of all of this, I spend most of my time in male mode (with smallish breasts, that is ).

in confinment Carolina only comes out when talking to my psychologist once a week or with my speech therapist, also once a week, until it finished last week. She told me that until I go full time it is useless to keep the therapy since I spend most of my time speaking in male mode and the muscles keep having difficulty to adjust to my female range. I feel I was fired by my speech therapist! 🙄

I keep epilating my body but due to the confinment I had to put on hold my laser treatments for my beard (already more than a year with it), chest and armpits. The benefit of the confinment is the ability to keep my nails as long as I want them (over a quarter of an inch) and do my manicure at home once a week. I hide my nails during the constant work videoconferences I have during the week but I don?t hide them at home anymore. My wife hates seeing them in pink and my daughter avoids looking at them. I don?t know what our house help thinks, but they are quite obvious.

Why self-doubts? Because I can?t come out at work, nor I can do it socially. Adding to that the hostility at home makes me wonder if I?m doing the right thing knowing that Carolina can?t be free at least for a few more years (I have some financial obligations that make quitting my pretty decent job unrealistic). Why HRT then? Why growing boobs now that are going to be difficult to hide while on the beach or pools? On the other hand I believe I?m underestimating the mental help that HRT provides. My psychologist asked me how I would feel about this if my wife were to be supportive (utopia). The truth is that Carolina would be far more present and happier with her transition and it would probably go much faster.

I also miss the few social gatherings with other CDs/transwomen I managed to attend as Carolina. Between the confinment and my wife who hates it when I dare to go to some of those gatherings, life is tough wihtout some form of support group.

Oh well, apologies for my blabbering and long post. It had been a while since I found the courage (and the time) to participate in the forum. Hopefully I?m back now.❤️